Twilight took a deep breath as she looked at the gathering of alicorns before her. The air was tense, and there was a certain sense of urgency despite the coordination being a few days off. But the coordination was not why this meeting had been put together so hastily.
“Alright, thank you all for coming. We all know why we’re here,” said Twilight.
“Indeed. Your ascension, well deserved and praiseworth as it is, will inevitably result in the formation of another cult. Considering how the previous three have been operating, we really, really need to find a way to stop this one,” declared Celestia.
“I still can’t believe how often my cult attempts to slip ponies love poison these days. Ever since I became the Princess of Love, it’s been one horrible attempt at forced romance after another,” groaned Cadance.
“And mine own has sparked an outright civil war among the population, limited in scope though it may be. Not a single day passes without at least one cultist from both of our sides being hospitalized, cursed, brainwashed, or some combination thereof,” added Luna.
“And I need not go into the grievances mine has caused me over the past millennium. The last few years have seen the number of cults in this nation triple, and the destruction has nearly tripled in turn. I doubt Equestria will be able to survive a fourth. Something must be done,” said Celestia.
“And something is going to be done. I have a plan,” declared Twilight.
The other alicorns looked at her in surprise. Twilight looked back at them for a moment before rolling her eyes.
“You do remember that my parents are the current heads of the Solar Witnesses, right?” reminded Twilight.
There was a round of facehooves as the other Princess remembered that little detail.
“Or at least, they were. I’m not sure if they’ll opt to discard lifetimes of blind devotion because their daughter is now ‘divine.’ But the point is that I am well aware of how these ponies think, and I’ve been putting together a plan to deal with them long before I ascended. True, I wasn’t expecting to use them for my own cult, but it should still work just fine,” answered Twilight.
“You’ve been making plans to fight your parents for years? I’m impressed, Twilight. You’ve certainly come a long way from the blindly devoted filly I took on as my student,” noted Celestia.
“Yes, and I will be forever grateful to you for helping me break out of that mindset all those years ago,” declared Twilight.
“I’d like to think I helped with that too,” grumbled Cadance.
“You did, but you complaining about your cultists to Shining Armor was nowhere near as impactful as watching ‘the embodiment of happiness’ break down into tears when she heard my parents had… well, they did a lot of things that day. I honestly can’t remember if it was the glowing underwear or the bacon shrine that pushed you over the edge,” admitted Twilight.
“The bacon, for the record. Especially after they set it on fire. Who in their right mind would deliberately charcoal perfectly good bacon? Also, ‘embodiment of happiness?’ I’m starting to think I should drop my fake smile and let them see what I really think of them,” grumbled Celestia.
“I seem to recall you mentioning why you stopped doing that centuries ago. Something about salt, I believe. But I think we’ve run aside long enough. Tell us, Twilight. What exactly is your plan, and why are you so certain it will succeed where all of our efforts have failed?” asked Luna.
And so Twilight told them. While the others didn’t outright reject the idea, which said volumes unto itself, it was clear they had their doubts.
“That’s… risky. Very risky. If it doesn’t work, it could double the size of your cult,” said Celesia.
“Not to mention what it could cause the more sane residents of your hometown to think of you,” added Luna.
“And what about your friends? I doubt any of them would be in favor of it,” finished Cadance.
“I am perfectly aware of the risks, but the way I see it, we’re doomed anyway if we just let this cult form naturally, so we might as well give it a shot. And if there’s a single sane pony in Ponyville, I have yet to meet them despite living there for three years,” deadpanned Twilight.
“Pardon me, but your choice of words seems to imply…” started Celesita.
“Yes, it does. I think we can all agree I’m not exactly the pinnacle of mental health. As for my friends, they’re the ones who helped me come up with it. Pinkie and Rainbow see it as a big prank, Rarity’s treating it like performing in a play, Fluttershy’s just happy something is being done to stop the cult, and Applejack volunteered to help set up the props,” said Twilight.
“Really? The Element of Honesty is in support of this idea?” asked Luna in surprise.
“The Apple Family has a deep, bitter history with the Solar Witnesses. If I recall correctly, it was sparked by an incident involving apples being labeled as ‘heresy’ for a few years. I don’t believe the family has ever forgiven them for it,” commented Celestia.
“Why the buck would they… on second thought, I don’t want to know. The orange incident was bad enough. And I have to admit it sounds like a better plan than mine was. But there’s one thing that still bothers me. After the Hearth Warming pageant I know you’re a skilled actor, but this is going to be far more difficult. Are you sure you can play the overblown ham?” asked Cadance.
“Don’t worry. I’ve been taking lessons from an expert,” replied Twilight.
“I am the Great and Powerful Twilight!”
“No, you are not! You’re speaking too softly, your tone suggests you don’t believe a word you just said, and worst of all, you are merely copying Trixie! How can you convince the audience of anything if you merely put forth ideas stolen from others?”
“Isn’t that kind of the point?”
“And that mindset, dear ‘Princess,’ is why you will never be as Great and Powerful as Trixie. Now, again! And this time let Trixie hear your conviction!”
Twilight peeked through the curtain, and felt the butterflies in her stomach get even more proactive.
“That’s… a lot more ponies than I expected,” she mumbled to herself.
“Yeah, but I bet a lot of them are just here for the show. I doubt anypony who lives in Ponyville would ever regard you as a goddess. Between the parasprites, the want-it-need-it spell, the future Twilight incident…” recited Spike.
“I get it, Spike. I can even see a few familiar faces in the crowd with manure-eating grins. But even taking that into consideration, this is far more than I… oh. I think I just spotted why. My parents are in the audience, and they’ve swapped their traditional white robes for violet ones. I’m not sure if I should be relieved by this or horrified,” said Twilight.
“Both? I mean, it’s kind of creepy that your parents have decided to start worshiping their own daughter, but at least you don’t have to worry about being poisoned every time you go visit them?” suggested Spike.
“They’ll try to poison me anyway. You know what they’re like, Spike. But I think that’s enough complaining about my parents. We need to get started,” said Twilight.
“Alright. Break a leg, Twilight,” said Spike as he dashed onto the stage.
The crowd grew quiet in eager anticipation.
“And now, presenting her newly appointed Highness, Welder of the Element of Magic, Ruler of the Central Districts, Fastest Egghead on the Continent, four times savior of Equestria, Creator of All Modern Languages…” said Spike.
Most of the titles were, of course, completely made up. Twilight figured there was no way to stop such titles from emerging from the crowd, but they might as well be titles she approved of, were silly inside jokes among her friends, or were so ridiculous that no one outside the cult would ever believe them.
Except for the Ruler of the Central Districts. That one was real, though her domain consisted of pretty much just Ponyville. That bit of legislation had been necessary for her to continue living there.
“...Rightful Ruler of both Sun and Moon, and Mistress of the Written Word: Princess Twilight Sparkle,” declared Spike.
Taking a deep breath, Twilight braced herself. She had one shot at this. The fate of Equestria depended on her once again, but this time it would come down to her acting skills. She got into the proper mindset, changed her expression into a confident smirk, and stepped forward onto the stage.
Immediately, the crowd went wild. They start changing, yelling, and reciting the numerous titles they’d just heard. Twilight didn’t say anything for a minute or two, simply appearing to bask in the adoration of her followers. Finally, she spread her wings and began to speak.
“Greetings, oh faithful ones! I, the newly ascended goddess, thank you for diligence and praise! You, and you alone, recognize me as the rightful successor of the false goddesses who sit upon their thrones! And once my plans are put into motion, you shall be rewarded as I usher in a new era under my benevolent rule!” Twilight declared.
The crowd roared with approval. Twilight cast her gaze across the crowd, and found it very easy to spot the Ponyville residents that were merely watching the performance. It was amazing how many shapes a pony’s face can take when struggling not to laugh. Twilight fought to keep her annoyance from showing, and continued.
“However, there is much to be done before that day arrives. And while I am certain you all have many ingenious plans to aid me, there is but one matter I require your assistance. A duty so vital, that I must implore all present to focus their efforts toward this singular goal, and no other, until I declare it complete,” announced Twilight.
This time, the crowd seemed somewhat divided. Many ponies seem delighted to be given a mission by their goddess directly, but others seem rather concerned. Twilight had anticipated this, though.
“Make no mistake, there will come a time when I will require you all to go and spread the word of my divine nature to others. But before that can be attempted, there is a genuine threat to my rule that must be dealt with. For should my influence grow too great too soon, this threat will become active, and place you, my most devoted followers, in grave danger! You all stand here as true believers. Believe me now when I say this problem cannot wait!” declared Twilight.
“We shall do as you say, oh rightful ruler of the sun and moon! We, your humble servants, shall fight in your name to our last breath!” cried an unknown pony in the back.
Twilight was both greatly annoyed at the interruption and greatly delighted to see that the pony who had spoken had united the crowd in favor of listening to her. If nothing else went right, it could be said she had gotten further with these ponies than any other Princess.
“Your loyalty shall serve you well, for this threat shall test your faith. I speak of none other than the vile non-believers who have sworn loyalty to my rivals: the Solar Witnesses, the Dark Legion, and even the pitiful Pink Parade!” announced Twilight.
The room was instantly filled with boos and hisses, some more enthusiastic than others. It was obvious that Twilight’s parents were a bit hesitant to jeer their former colleagues. But, much to Twilight’s delight, it seemed a number of Ponyville residents had figured out what her plan was and were no longer laughing.
“Indeed. Their wretched efforts to spread their misguided faith are a thorn in my side that must be removed. Should I strike at the false goddesses before these traitors are eliminated, they will regard their fallen idols as martyrs, and they will never stop challenging my rule. They must be destroyed before I rise to dominance!” declared Twilight.
“You would have us strike down the non-believers?” asked a pony from the crowd.
“Pah. The fools are harder to eradicate than cockroaches. Eliminate one and three more will take their place. No, this calls for a proper poison. I have a plan to deal with the non-believers, but first we must diminish their numbers. Their efforts to assimilate the masses to their rakes must be stopped. Their acts of loyalty must be foiled. And above all else, their devotion must not be allowed to be expressed. I believe you all realize what I am asking,” said Twilight.
“Yes, our beloved goddess! We will go forth and sabotage their efforts! Their celebrations will be brought low! Their recruitment will be denied! The false goddesses will never hear of their follower’s loyalty!” cried a pony in the crowd.
There was a loud cheer as everypony, cultist and citizen alike, let out cries of joy. Twilight didn’t even bother hiding her smirk. So far, so good. It would be impossible to tell if the plan had actually worked until the reports of their antics rolled in, but this was exactly the reaction Twilight had been aiming for.
For the most part. She quickly spotted a hitch in the plan...
Twilight sipped her tea, giving the others a confident grin as she read the newspaper in front of her.
“... and while the parties responsible have not been identified, all can agree that the efforts of the mysterious renegades were of immense help in preventing the Solar Witnesses from destroying the facility,” she finished.
Luna’s jaw was down to the floor. Cadance was struggling to form words. And Celsetia, poor dear Celestia who had lost all hope centuries ago, was outright crying tears of joy. For the first time since she took the crown, a single day had passed where she didn’t have any incidents to address due to the cult.
“Now, I can’t say this is a perfect solution. My cult isn’t going to catch everything that the others do, but I feel this is a major step forward in the right direction,” said Twilight.
The room was silent for a moment as the others regained their senses.
“I… I don’t believe it. After all this time…” mumbled Celestia.
“This changes everything! If we all take similar measures, we might be able to get the cults to do nothing but sabotage each other! Even if other alicorns ascend, we’ll be ready for it!” exclaimed Cadance.
“Indeed! Young Twilight, we must have copies of your speech! It has been too long since I last performed on stage, this will be the perfect opportunity to return!” declared Luna.
Rather than sharing in their enthusiasm, Twilight let out a cough and blushed.
“Well… I’d recommend you don’t copy mine word for word. There was a small hiccup with the plan. I made sure the cult wouldn’t leak it to the public, but considering how many Ponyville residents were at the meeting, I’m going to be outed for it sooner or later,” admitted Twilight.
“And that would be?” asked Celestia.
“Outliers. There were far too many ponies who were skeptical about my claims that the other cults were the true threat. To keep them from forming a second cult, I had to take drastic measures. And by drastic measures, I mean I had to give into one of their more… extreme demands. And now...” explained Twilight.
“Excuse me, oh Mistress of the Written Word, but we are ready to begin,” said a violet clothed stallion who appeared seemingly out of nowhere.
The other Princesses looked at the stallion in surprise and dawning realization. The stallion wasn’t wearing a robe. He was wearing a very revealing outfit that they recognized instantly.
“Er… yes. I’ll be right there,” said Twilight as her face turned a deeper red.
The stallion nodded, gave a none-too-subtle glare at the other Princesses, and trotted off. Meanwhile, everypony else looked at Twilight in disbelief and disgust.
“Look, it was either the harem or letting them steal magic from other ponies to give it to me. Which would you choose?” said Twilight before she got up and followed after the stallion, her face burning red.
The room was silent for a moment, before Cadance let out a sigh of resignation.
“Well, it wasn’t like she was ever going to get some tail otherwise,” she declared.