Twilight's Deadly Limerick: Death and Resurrection – by Twifight Sparkill
It was a long, quiet walk from Ponyville's hospital, where Twilight Sparkle and her friends had left Rainbow Dash in the capable care of bonafide professionals – having succumbed to some mysterious ailment that'd left her unconscious, none of the group could do anything else save wait until Dash had improved – it was decided they should all remain together until receiving further news on their companion's condition, save for the workaholic Applejack who had farmwork that required completion.
Thus the remaining four trundled down the dirt road back towards the library, keeping each other in careful consideration – Twilight was especially monitored, since she'd not uttered a word since remarking on a jibe dealt by Rarity. Despite being in complete jest, the awkward quiet had regrettably remained. Even in the company of Pinkie Pie – who would've likely spoken if it weren't for the wad of chewed mushy candies stuck in her mouth; she still couldn't properly break it down despite remaining doggedly determined, awful wet chewing noises permeating throughout – there prevailed a disquieting quiescence.
Finally it was left for Fluttershy to infringe upon the saturninity for clearing her throat, snapping everyone to attention. It was enough to make all accounted turn to regard the noise, which made the yellow pegasus stop walking altogether for being uncomfortably scrutinized.
"Um, er... hi there," she began, regaining her step once recovered from the unwanted stares. "I was just going to say, I sure hope Rainbow Dash will be okay."
"Of course she'll be okay dear," Rarity noted, once suitably reoccupied with the timed march they'd surreptitiously engaged in. "All she needs is a good rest and before you know it she'll be back to being her usual vulgar self. There's nothing to be concerned about, I'm quite sure. We simply need to be patient and let her recover from whatever has caused all this, mm? Don't worry too much about it – she's in good hooves."
Fluttershy nodded, managing an anemic, placating smile despite her doubts. "... do you have any thoughts, Twilight?" she inquired quietly, hoping for a semblance of sanity to quell her otherwise interminable fears.
The unicorn librarian seemed to not hear, walking at the same pace she'd timed since vacating the waiting room. It was obvious from the occupied frown she wore that something was clearly weighing heavily on her mind, yet she'd said nothing of the matter.
"At least she's in a Ponyville hospital," Rarity mentioned calmly. "In griffon facilities, I've heard they eat anyone who can't defend themselves. Talk about your poor bedside manners!"
"All depends on the placement of their forks and knives," Pinkie spoke between chews. "At least they have a good wine list available at their emergency wards, last I checked. I mean heard! Definitely heard."
Fluttershy emitted a short whine. Twilight Sparkle, in the meanwhile, remained quietly disgruntled.
"Twilight dear," Rarity hummed beneath her enormous sun hat, "I really wish you wouldn't continue to sulk; it adds worry lines about the eyes you know. Very unattractive at such a young age! Mind, I do have a few creams that would liven up the skin – takes years off a pony, hm? You'd look like that fresh-faced, bright-eyed student Princess Celestia appointed as her personal protégé again! I have them at the shoppe, I'll bring them by afterwards if you like?"
A low growl answered the offer.
"Everything is just dandy," Twilight finally quipped, apparently registering nothing in particular anypony had said. "Let's get to the library and figure this out."
In a few quiet minutes the quartet found themselves upon the Golden Oaks library. Following Twilight, each filed in without fanfare. Rarity, at least mindful enough to wipe her hooves before entering, then searched for the devoted purple dragon that normally tended the troupe. "Spikey-Wikey dear!" Rarity lilted, looking about for the young drake. "Tea and cookies for the company would be splendid, thank you! Chop chop!"
"Spike is in Canterlot," Twilight remarked, taking a seat by the central desk where her limerick lay. "He's collecting a shipment of old textbooks from the universities there during... something we'd planned. What was that again? Whatever. If you want tea, I'll have to go and prepare it."
"It's fine girls," Fluttershy murmured. "I can go and brew us tea, since I'm still up... um, if that's okay with you Twilight."
Twilight didn't respond, simply staring at the subsequent cause of the entire debauchle.
"Please be a dear and bring us some," Rarity crooned, wiping her glistening brow dry once casting her large sunhat upon the rack at the foyer. "I'm sure we could all use a cup after all that walking. I am frightfully parched, nevermind exhausted for running all the way to the hospital upon hearing about poor Rainbow. At least we can relax until they get the dear girl back on her hooves, hm?"
Fluttershy smiled and nodded, trotting into the kitchen whilst Rarity settled adjacent to Twilight upon a couple of sitting cushions about the main library desk.
In between the unicorns lay an obvious scroll, which the alabaster pony noted almost immediately. It remained a heavy weight for moments that felt like terrible tormenting years – each onlooking opponent knew full well the gravity of the issue, but neither could subsequently manage the movement required to begin the obvious inquiries to come.
Finally, one of them had to crack – no surprise it was the most eager of the two.
"So, is that it then?" queried Rarity, indicating the unraveled stationary, leaning over to possibly sneak a look if possible.
"Can I have just a little peek, Twilight? Ple-eeease?"
"Don't you dare!" Twilight gasped, ripping the scroll from the desk with a swirling lavendar magic, clutching the collected parchment to her chest protectively. "Nopony can ever see this dastardly diatribe again! Haven't any of you been listening to a word I've said all day? If this maniacal manuscript temporarily triggered torpidity in Rainbow Dash, who knows what horrendous harm it could do to you? Stay back, Rarity, lest it lay you leaden!"
Rarity groaned, rubbing her head for a pained throb beginning at her left temple. "... hmpf, fine then. If you actually believe you've somehow bewitched our poor Dash with a silly bit of poetry, be my guest – just please stop talking like that, would you? It's beginning to breed a beleaguering burn behind my... oh drat, now you have me doing it! Honestly!"
"I don't know what to think," Twilight grimaced, looking over the beloved scripture in her forelimbs. "I was so convinced that I'd written something hilarious, yet... yet all of you seem to think I'm not even remotely funny! What if I'm right and this is hazardous, hm? What if I've defied your cruel odds and made something so side-splitting that it's able to render the onlooker null and void? What should I do then? Just pretend that I'm not capable of writing something gaily gelastic?"
A muffled cry could be heard from the kitchen as the two friends considered their options.
"Well I guess we should at least give it a chance considering how upset it's made you," Rarity hummed. "Mayhaps it's just a matter of letting more sophisticated tastes have a look at it, yes? I'm more than willing to give you a proper critique – how bad could it be?"
Twilight's lower lip began to quiver.
"I mean, er... I'm sure it's very good, of course!" Rarity corrected herself, trying not to smirk.
Fluttershy arrived with a tea service in her mouth, placing it between the tense unicorns. "Please be careful," she warned, "it's quite hot. I should know, as I've burned most of the roof of my mouth on the kettle. Sorry for screaming earlier."
Rarity channeled her magic, fixing each of the three their usual preference amidst a blue glow. "Thank you ever so much Fluttershy, you've got perfect timing. Twilight was just about to show us what Rainbow Dash read before fainting – won't that be fun?"
"Um," Fluttershy shivered, appearing completely against the idea. "Sure, whatever you say Rarity."
Twilight stood from her pillow, marched over to her filing cabinet, and mixed the scroll in amongst her casual papers and notes. "No means no!" she snarled. "You two, of all ponies, should know that when I put my hoof down, I mean it! Now, just sit there whilst I go and gather some books from my personal collection – I can prove that I'm jocular and that this is a dangerous situation! Just sit there and wait a few minutes! Okay?"
Rarity and Fluttershy nodded, sipping their respective teas. "If you say so, Twilight," Rarity avowed. "We will obey your wishes as the dutiful friends we are. You can count on us."
Convinced, Twilight marched upstairs to collect her various charts and references – damn them all, she was riotously risible and there was viable proof to present such!
Once the hoofsteps had faded, Rarity slyly considered her comrade with a rueful grin.
"Okay," Rarity whispered between sips of tea. "She's gone – let's have a look at this supposed suicide joke, Fluttershy!"
"I... don't know if we should," Fluttershy warned. "Twilight seemed awfully serious, and you know how mad she can get. Wouldn't it be best if we waited for her return? She had charts to show or something. Won't that be fun?"
Just as Rarity began to trot towards the drawer where the manuscript lay, completely ignoring Fluttershy's counsel, a thunderous voice froze her in place. "Hold on there!"
From nowhere anypony could discern, Pinkie Pie jumped into the fray – where had she gone, anyway? Nevertheless, she stood between the encroaching unicorn and the chest where the limerick lay, looking a mess of curly committed guardian pink.
"You two better not read that silly thingie Twilight wrote!" Pinkie admonished, pointing an accusing hoof. "You both promised – you know what happens when you break a promise, right? You'll both regret it! Forever!"
"Pfft," Rarity raspberried. "Are you telling us that you, of all ponies, aren't the least bit curious about this supposed rhyme? The one that's apparently so funny it can knock a pony out simply from reading it?"
"Well..." Pinkie paused, looking thoughtful. "I guess there's a part of me that wonders if it's possible to kill a pony with a joke." she mused. "A part of me I keep buried deep in my subconscious, where it'll stay until the day I die. Or others do!"
The yellow pegasus emitted another whine, similar to the one from previous.
"Please stop being so dreadfully dramatic – you're scaring Fluttershy," Rarity muttered with a roll of her eyes, "So, getting back to the point, that means you do want to see it as well, right? I mean, to be truthful, you're the most qualified of all of us as a reader considering your extensive pranking tendencies. What do you say?"
"Okay, you sold me Rarity!" Pinkie grinned, hopping in place. "I don't think anyone actually said they promised anyway – I just assumed that by giving your word it was a binding verbal agreement, but what do I know? I'm just an innocent baker trying to circumvent her own beliefs so as to gain an empty, temporary acceptance amongst her peers! Or something!"
There was a flurry of disruptive yellow activity.
"I don't think this is a good idea," Fluttershy interrupted, stepping between the others and the filing cabinet. "Can't we please just enjoy our scalding hot tea in peace until Twilight gets back? She might let us see afterwards... isn't that a better idea? I think so." she nodded, trying to corral the girls back to their seats.
"Perhaps," Rarity considered, eyeing the drawer where the subject lay, and then Pinkie. "However, we could actually be doing her a favor, Fluttershy."
Both Pinkie and the pegasus looked to the white unicorn acquisitively.
"Well, think about it – Twilight is convinced her joke has hurt someone," Rarity continued. "Besides being the most preposterous of ideas, I'm sure you can both see that it's driving her mad with grief – not to mention she seems to think she actually has a sense of humor – so wouldn't it be best as good friends to try and alieviate these ill feelings by proving once and for all her joke isn't deadly?"
"I wholeheartedly agree!" Pinkie bounced about joyously. "With whatever you just said – ooh, can we look now? Can we can we can we?"
"Please don't!" Fluttershy begged, pulling at them haplessly.
---
Twilight rummaged through the piles of books amassed around her personal bookshelf, trying to locate all the notable notations she'd written and inserted inamongst the appropriate pages. Within remained graphs, equasions, abbreviations and explanations. "Okay..." she huffed. "This will prove to them once and for all that I am in fact funny. Do you hear me? I am funny!" She grumbled, shaking a hoof at the sky.
Suddenly, she heard a commotion downstairs – as if three coconuts had impacted together, followed by several bangs and the tinkling of china breaking on the floor.
"Girls?" Twilight yelled, running down the stairs. "What are you doing? What broke? You better not be reading..."
The sight caused her to blanche – strewn about the filing cabinet were the bodies of her best friends, and in the hooves of Pinkie Pie was ... the limerick!
"No... oh Celestia, no!" she shrieked. "My tea service!"
---
Applejack raced towards the Ponyville hospital, galloping with fervor for having heard her other friends had ended up incapacitated as well - the message was delivered by Ponyville's local grey mail mare, and she wasn't terribly forthcoming with information. "Okay, your friends are in the hospital," the pegasus had reported. "Twilight Sparkle told me to tell you, um... to go there, because she's hilarious?"
Horeseapples!" Applejack groused, leaving the farm far behind in a frantic haste. "You'd figure ah'd know to expect this sorta craziness by now, seein' as it happens every durn Saturday 'round ten inna mornin', goldarnit ta heck... here we go again!"
To Be Continued.