Sunset didn't think that horses were going to bother her this much.
She hadn't given much thought to the equines that resided on Earth before, accepting them as a strange parallel to her species populating her home world.
Hanging out with her friends the night before had introduced her to the startling reality of seeing a horse in person.
Applejack had spent the weekend taking care of one of her aunts’ horse ranch while she was out of town, and had invited the girls to spend the night there to experience the farm lifestyle that AJ held so dear; an opportunity which they all- excluding Rarity, had jumped on quite enthusiastically. Sunset had to jump out of the way of Fluttershy's excited flailing at the prospect of meeting a horse, something that the city-dwelling girl had not yet had the opportunity to do. Sunset recognizes the irony of that, though she doesn't bring it up.
Applejack talks the horse up. Apparently, he’s a real sweetheart, really good with kids. She told them this as she led them across the ranch and to his paddock. They had all walked into the fenced-off field laughing at a joke that Pinkie Pie had told, though Sunset's mirth was caught in her throat as her eyes fell upon the white, mud-flecked horse that stands before them. Her friends began to giggle as Sunset stared open-mouthed at the creature.
It's beautiful. It's completely horrifying. It's a twisted, almost nightmare version of a face she knows. A face that she had.
Her friends' laughter nervously trails off when the ex- equestrian’s shock does not fade.
"Sunset, dearie, are you all right?" Rarity asks, putting a hand on her shoulder and wrenching Sunset's attention away from the horse.
"They're gentle giants, Sunset." Fluttershy assures softly. Sunset returns her gentle smile, keeping her eyes far from the horse’s own.
“I know, I'm not scared. " Sunset reassures. "It's just… weird? "
There's a beat of silence.
“Oh my God. You're from Princess Twilight's world. " Rainbow blurts. Sunset blinks.
“...Yeah?” She says slowly.
“If Princess Twilight used to be a pony-”
“Then you would have been one too!” Pinkie finishes excitedly. Sunset flushes a little. While she had never talked about her life in Equestria with her friends, she had assumed that her previous existence a pony was kind of an understood thing.
“Ah shoot Sunset, if ah’ had known about you bein’ a horse I woulda’ given you a better warnin’. Sorry if I startled ya.” Applejack says, dipping her head in apology.
“I'm not startled. And I wasn't a horse." Sunset defends. "I was a pony. Horses live closer to the middle east, near Saddle Arabia."
Twilight slowly mouths ‘Saddle Arabia’ in disbelief, which Sunset neatly ignores.
"Did you like being a pony?" Fluttershy asks sweetly from where she is feeding Harper a sugar cube. Sunset doesn't want to think about why the sight makes her stomach swoop uncomfortably.
"...I did." Sunset says softly, not taking her eyes from the horse, afraid to catch her friend's eyes during one of her rare moments of genuine emotional expression. Let alone actually talking about her old life in Equestria. "There was magic, and the air was clean, and the ponies were kind. I… grew up there, you know?"
There is a moment of weighted silence. Sunset clears her throat awkwardly, waiting for someone else to jump in and change the subject.
"Didya' have a family back home?" Applejack asks somberly. Sunset frowns, not that any of them can see her face. Of course AJ would be the one to ask.
"Nah. Well. Sort of." Sunset says, shrugging. She started to wind a braid into the horse's main. He doesn't seem to mind. “I had people who looked out for me."
"As in…?" Rainbow prompts, clearly growing tired of all the stalling. Sunset braces herself. She hasn't had to face the gush of platitudes and pity in years.
"I grew up on one of those homes for fillies, " Sunset says, falsely casual. None of her friends speak for several seconds.
"So… like an orphanage?" Rainbow asks slowly, earning an elbow to the ribs from Rarity.
"Yeah, I guess." Sunset says with a shrug "It was for wards of the Crown. It was in Canterlot, so don't go imagining any Little Orphan Annie crap, but, you know." Sunset breathes out a soft sigh, pursing her lips a little as she waits to hear what her friends are going to say.
"So.. you don't have parents?” Pinkie Pie says slowly, her hair slightly deflated. Sunset huffs out a deep breath and forces a smile before turning back to her friends.
"Guys! It was fine. Equestria isn't like here, the orphanage was more like a fancy boarding school than anything else."
"But who took care of you?" Twilight asks, her brows furrowed.
"The school." Sunset says stiffly, trying to keep her growing irritation from showing in her voice. "Look, we came here to see some horses, so let's look at the fucking horse!”
She's aware that she's yelling a little, and she knows she shouldn't swear at her friends. She shouldn't yell at them. She shouldn't have told them about the school in the first place.
"...right. Well, this here is Harper, he's been living on my aunt's farm for about ten years," Applejack says. Sunset listens to AJ’s speech about Harper, though it slowly dissolves into static as Sunset's attention is eaten up by watching the multiple of expressions that flit across the horse's face. Expressions that the girls are likely not well versed enough in equine emotion to pick up on.
Annoyance, boredom, amusement, excitement, affection.
She doesn't join in on their conversation.
She doesn't see their worried glances.
And now it is Sunday.
Sunset had spent the remainder of that sleepover doing her absolute damnedest to avoid anything to do with horses, which- as it turns out, is like trying to avoid apple themed paraphernalia in the Apple household. Over the top, farm-specific decor seems to run in the family.
She left in the morning before anyone else woke up.
And here she stands before her mirror, running her fingers through her hair, trying to press her stubborn forelock back into place.
Her hair falls differently without her horn and ears getting in the way. She can't wear her hair the same way she used to no matter how hard she tries and it stings. The body she had grown up in is gone. The Sunset Shimmer of Canterlot's Home for Fillies is dead and gone.
What she has done, with the way that she had spat in the face of the only person who had ever loved her… there is no going back. She has no plans to return to Equestria.
This form is more than just a temporary part of a bigger plan. This is more than something to suffer through as she waits to be given what she's owed. This is her body now. This is what she is. She is a human.
She has no choice but to live with that now.
Her hands are soft. Warm and delicate, suited for the making of things without the aid of magic. They are pressed flat on the cool porcelain of her bathroom sink. She taps them against it. The soft slap of flesh on tile. No clacking. No tapping.
She is no longer able to clop out the beat to the music in her head, the noisy comforting sound of tapping hooves replaced with the icy clicking of her nails. She runs a hand over her face, shuts her eyes, and lets herself miss what it was like to be a pony.
And not just that.
She misses the food. The ponies she swore she was only ever annoyed with. She misses running at full speed- something she can now only hope to mimic on her bike. She misses Princess Celestia. Sunset has not spoken to her mentor since she fled Equestria. She has not even tried.
She knows that her grief for her former teacher is part of the reason that seeing Harper had upset her so much. Although, in all honesty, Princess Celestia did not look at all like Applejack’s aunt's horse. Not only in the face and in his obvious lack of a set of wings or horn, but in the fact that Sunset has had a hard time imagining the Princess with even a fleck of dirt on her eternally spotless white coat.
The teenager sighs, slinking out of her small, dimly lit bathroom and to her bed. She collapses on top, frowning as she pulls the covers around herself. She opens her laptop and sets it on her chest, typing ‘horse documentary’ into the Netflix search bar and clicking the first one she sees. She lets the soothing drone of the horse scientist buzz in her ears as warm white noise.
‘Horses are one of North America’s most majestic creatures, powerful and fast, they are as dangerous as they are beautiful.’
Sunset walks down the long, hedge-lined pathway of the Canterlot Gardens, enjoying the feeling of the cool, shady grass beneath her hooves. She's carrying a book with her to read. It's Oliver Twist. Then it's the Study of Dragon Economics. Then it's Charlotte's Web. Then it's the full account of Gryphon History.
Sunset sits down by the babbling brook she had splashed in as a filly and reads, though she is barely even able to open the book before a shadow falls over the pages.
"Hello Celestia." Sunset says without looking up. No one else would come up to her while she was reading, after all.
"Sunset?" Says the shadow, one that Sunset realizes too late is far too small to be the princess. Sunset turns her gaze upward to see none other than Twilight Sparkle, her glasses pushed up her muzzle. Sunset smiles warmly. How silly is she? Of course it's only Twilight.
"Were you still going to join me and the girls for lunch?” The bespectacled pony asks, making Sunset perk up and slot a bookmark between her pages.
"Of course!" Sunset says excitedly, getting to her hooves and tucking her book into her bag. "I can't believe I forgot that was today! Thank you for coming to get me."
"Of course! " Twilight responds cheerfully, falling into place beside Sunset as they start the side-by-side walk to the cafe where she and her friends had agreed to meet for lunch. I know what it's like to get caught up in your studies. Besides, it wouldn't be the same without you! "
Sunset pretends to examine a street sign and she hides her smile at the sweet sentiment. She still has a little bit of a reputation to uphold after all.
"Thanks Twi." Sunset says warmly as they trot into the cafe and take their seats at the table seating all of their friends.
"Hey girls!” Sunset greets at large as she sits down, sipping her tea. She smacks her lips at the lack of flavor, frowning and setting it down. "How have your weeks been? "
"Pretty good! We're scheduled for a huge rainstorm this week, so I'll have my work cut out for me." Rainbow says with a grin, never one to back down from a challenge, especially where her job as a weather-pony was concerned.
"Ah ‘m glad to hear that," Applejack interjects. "Mah crops could use some rain after this dry spell we've been having."
Sunset lets the easy conversation flow around her, soothed by the presence of her friends.
"Hey Sunset?" Pinkie pie asks, cutting through the din of conversation.
"Hm?" Sunset hums, opening her eyes.
“Don't you wish this could have been the way it was?" She asks. Sunset blinks. The conversation has halted around the table. None of the girls are saying anything. A sense of dread overtakes Sunset.
"You're not where you're supposed to be," Twilight points out around a mouthful of oats. "But you are with who you're supposed to be with. "
“Quite the conundrum dear." Rarity says delicately, sipping her tea.
"You're stuck!" Rainbow says.
"Trapped." Applejack agrees.
"You miss what you used to be and you're guilty about that," Fluttershy says, leaning across the table to put her hoof across Sunset's. "Because the person you used to be hurt so many people."
"Oh my gosh- guys! Look, can we just eat our lunch, please-”
Something grabs her by the back of her mane, making her yelp in fear and pain as she is yanked backward.
"HELP!" She screams, but none of her friends move it all. "PLEASE! HELP ME!"
A pair of feathery wings rustle on Twilight’s back, and when she glances over her shoulder at Sunset she is missing her glasses.
"Sorry girls." She says to Sunset's friends, each of them fixing her with a look of pity. "That's Sunset Shimmer. You girls look like her friends, that’s all. Don't mind her."
"No…" Sunset sobs, twisting and kicking out at her attacker, who shakes her roughly to stop her.
"Hush, Sunset Shimmer." Says the person dragging her. Sunset turns to see her face, though there is no need. There is no mistaking that voice.
"You no longer have a place in this world. " Celestia says, her magic still being used to drag Sunset backward, towards a swirling white portal.
"No, no!" Sunset gasps, still trying to twist herself free from her mentor's hold. "Please- I want to- let me go - "
"You're not a pony anymore." Celestia says calmly, completely sure of herself, as she always is.
"But- but I grew up here! " Sunset pleads. Her friends - Twilight’s friends don't look at her. They sit frozen. Completely unmoving. "It was my home!"
"And now Equestria is safer without you in it." Celestia says coldly.
"Celestia, please! I’ve changed! Whatever I have to do to prove it to you- I just want- can we talk about it- please DON'T!"
The look on the Princess's face as Sunset is thrown through the portal is one that she has never seen before on her mentor's face.
Cold, utter hatred.
"CELESTIA!" Sunset shrieks she snaps awake, flailing aggressively and tangling herself in her sweat-soaked bedding before plummeting to the floor in a heap of alien limbs and red-and-yellow hair. She lays there for a while, her breathing wheezing as she tries to do breathing exercises while feeling like she’s being strangled. Once she manages to get her breathing under control and finally gotten it into her head that it was a nightmare, and nothing more, she angrily wipes away her tears and hauls herself back into bed.
"Stupid." She breathes, checking her phone for the time. It's nearing five AM. She’ll have to be getting up for school soon anyway. There’s no point in going back to bed.
No point risking another nightmare.
Besides she already knows she won't be falling back asleep with her mentor’s furious gaze burned onto the backs of her eyelids.