Bros in Equestria

by Mandroid


Pot to Kettle.

Year 2 in Equestria.

Hour 3 in Canterlot.
"How about this one?" Lotus asks.
You look the building over. "It's kind of big for a spa, don't you think?"
Lotus trots up to you. "Dear, half of our current spa is underground."
"And most of this towers above the street. The old spa worked fine with one story, why does this one need two?" you ask.
Lotus huffs and walks down the street. "You just don't want to have to walk up stairs."
You follow Lotus. "My sloth aside, isn't a two story spa a bit extravagant for our second location?"
Lotus stops in the street and turns to you. "We have to make our mark here. We need something that these big Canterlot spas can't compete with."
You raise your arms and silently flex your fingers.
"Something else dear." she says.
"Oh, I see how it is. You've had your fill of my awesome fingers, so now we have to buy a building."
"We need something, some sort of hook, to get p0nies to come to our spa. You're good, but you're not -that- good." Lotus says.
You throw your hands behind your head. "I blame my teacher."
"Yes, this is clearly her fault." she harrumphs.
"If she had spent less time with her tongue down my throat, I could compete with these heavy hitters."
Lotus stops in her tracks and glares at you.
Might have taken this a bit too far...
You roll your eyes. "Sorry."
Lotus silently turns back and continues down the street.
Great...
Silent treatment...
You followed Lotus a few feet back as she continued not talking to you.
"I thought this move was a long while away, why are we here now?"
Nothing.
"You're acting like a filly."
Lotus continued to stare straight ahead.
"I find your mother attractive."
Lotus stops in the street and stares at you.
That got her.
"Can we talk now?" you ask.
Lotus's eyes narrow. "No."
She then continues trotting down the road.
Goddamnit.
"Babe. This is ridiculous."
Lotus mumbles something as she puts distance between the two of you.
"What?"
"I said I don't care and to stop following me!" Lotus shouts from down the road.
What!?
What is this?
Is she-?
She's ditching us here!
You were more than a bit annoyed, this was stupid.
You cup your hands around your mouth. "Those fritters you ate on the train are going to your ass!"
Lotus flicks her tail at you as she turns onto another street.
You stand there for a moment before you notice that you are surrounded by ponies staring at you.
"What!?" you shout.
The ponies snap back to their own business and continue walking.
That's what you thought...

You stomped through Canterlot, ignoring the looks you were getting. Eventually, you decided the take a seat on a park bench.
Why'd she leave like that?
She's probably PMS'ing, ponies do that, right?
Makes the most sense.
It's not like we lied or anything.
We didn't! If we had spent less time making out, we'd be better at massages!
You sit and stew for a little while. You're still trying to wrap your head around what you did. You were always a bit rude, but that had never bothered Lotus before.
You weren't acting any differe-
"Alone in the park?" A voice asks.
"GAH WHAT THE FUCK."
A shrill laugh resonates from behind a nearby tree as an enormous stark white p0ny steps out from behind it.
"Cunting hell, Celestia. Do you just stalk Canterlot in the off chance that I show up? The citizens are going to talk." you jide.
The monarch recomposes herself and speaks. "I happened to be taking a stroll through the city when what did I hear but my favorite human shouting about fritters and rear ends."
Fuck your life, she heard that.
You turn your head away as she continues. "I decided to follow you to see if I could gather any clues, but I'm afraid I came up emptyhoofed."
You dismissively wave a hand and walk down the path out of the park. "Good. Stay out of my damn business."
The clinking of golden horseshoes tells you that isn't going to happen. "Oh come now, Mous. I have been alive for over a thousand years, you couldn't ask for better advice."
"I could ask somepony who isn't trying to stick her nose in my damn business.
Celestia trots up next to you. "That doesn't sound like you telling me what happened~." she sings out.
You sigh. Can't hurt...
"Okay, what happened was..."

You walked with Celestia for a while as you both recanted what had happened and answered any of her inane questions. "Was she annoyed when you came here?" "Did you actually call her fat?" "Did she catch you looking at other mares?"
Eventually you reach your admittedly short limit. "No. I did not piss her off and home, or call her fat, and stop projecting your problems on me."
Celestia chuckles. "Then it sounds like she simply got tired of you being an ass."
"What? I wasn't being an ass!" you shout.
"Mous, you always act like an ass."
"Fuck you. I am not."
Celestia cocks an eyebrow. "Yes. Clearly."
"That's because I'm annoyed right now!"
You turn away and lean on a nearby wall.
Celestia walks up to you. "It's true Mous."
"Then why has nopony said anything?" you ask.
"Perhaps they have. Mous, think to yourself, how many friends do you have?" she says.
You turn to face the monarch. "What is this?"
"Answer the question." she says.
This is stupid.
"Anon, Lotus, You, Rainbow...Derpy, Aloe?, Uhh...Applejack...Twilight...Blueblood..." you recount.
"You don't sound too sure about some of those." she says.
"Piss off, I'm sure about the first four."
"So, your best friend, his wife, your special somepony, and me. We are all the friends you have?"
"Have you never wondered why?" Celestia asks as she orbits around you.
"I'm not a pony person."
"That aside, it's because you're an ass. You have four friends because you're a horrible jackass." she lectures.
"Then why they hell has nobody ever said anything?"
Celestia sighs in exasperation. "I told you. because they're either your best friend, his wife, or your special somepony."
You glance at her. "And you?"
Celestia chuckles. "I am incredibly old and incredibly patient, I can tolerate some rudeness."
Tch.
"You forgot to mention humble."
Celestia releases a laugh. "Especially when that rudeness is entertaining."

You stood outside the hotel room you were staying at.
"This is a bad idea." you say.
Celestia nudges you forward. "That's never stopped you."
"She's probably not even here."
"You won't know until you check."
You have your hand on the door knob.
"You should talk to-
A flash of light and a popping sound interrupts you. You look back to see Celestia has made herself scarce.
"...You bitch."
You take a deep breath the open the door. Lotus turns to look at you as you silently stomp into the room, drop yourself onto the couch, and cross your arms.
Lotus glares at you for a moment before returning to what appears to be her choice of spa locations.
"So..." you start.
Lotus remains facing forward. "So...
That's good. At least she's talking to you.
"So, I talked to a friend."
"Anypony I know?"
"Uh...an older one."
Lotus silently nods. "And?"
You throw our arms into the air and lean back on the couch. "And I found out that I'm apparently a gigantic asshole all the time and that you should probably break up with me."
Lotus turns to you. "You found out exactly that?"
You look at her out of the corner of your eye. "I may be paraphrasing."
She goes back to her list. "It's true, you are an asshole."
You snap your fingers. "See? I knew it."
"Almost all the time."
"Preach."
"Your constant complaining is one of the most grating things I've ever experienced." she says.
"It makes sense."
"And any mare with more than half a brain would leave you in the dust."
"I always knew you were smarter tha-oof!"
You lean forward to see Lotus's head in your lap.
Uhh...
"Am I missing something?" you ask.
Lotus turns her head to you. "I'm a twin, sweetheart. I had to split a brain."
"So...you're not mad at me?"
Lotus stretches in your lap. "Oh, I'm still mad. But you'd be amazed at how much having to walk around an unfamiliar city all day looking a buildings makes you long for some company."
Your hand falls from the couch and runs through Lotus's mane.
"Sorry...That I was an asshole."
"Anything less wouldn't be you." she says.
"Wouldn't that be better?"
Lotus giggles. "Dear, you're an incredible amount of fun to be around. It just has to be in doses sometimes."
Doses?
"Uhh...I can work on that, if you want."
Lotus looks up at you. "All for me?"
Your eyes dart around the room. "Yes?"
Lotus pulls herself up and rests her head on your shoulder. "I'd like that..."
Your arms loop themselves around her. "How much of a reduction were you looking for?
"A you who is half as much an asshole would be spectacular."
Hmm...
"I can give you 25%"
Baby steps.