What If...

by TheMajorTechie


Luna promoted a new brand of cheese?

"HUZZAH!" Luna burst through the wall of Canterlot Castle's grand dining hall. "I HAVE ACQUIRED A TASTE FOR THE LATEST IN CHEESEMAKING."

"Luna, please." Celestia facehoofed, hiding her face from the merchant she had been writing a contract with. "My apologies. My sister is an imbecile."

The merchant rubbed his chin. "The latest in cheesemaking, you say? From where have you sourced this cheese?"

Celestia groaned.

"IT COMES FROM THINE MOTHER!" Luna boomed. "THINE MOTHER IS A CHEESERY THAT HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED AMONG THE FOOTHILLS OF MOUNT CANTERHORN. THEY MAKE EXCELLENT CHEESES AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THEIR EXISTENCE."

The merchant looked between Princess Luna and the half-completed trade agreement laying on the table. He then turned his gaze to Celestia, who was muttering something under her breath.

"I'm afraid I must pull out of this contract for Royal Equestrian-brand teacakes, Princess. Your sister has a far more enticing offer--Thine Mother's cheeses! I can already smell them from where I sit, and they seem simply delectable!"


"BEHOLD, THINE MOTHER CHEESERY!" Luna gestured at the cottage and its attached shop nestled beneath the shade of a towering pine. "THINE MOTHER IS SO OLD, IT IS SAID THAT THINE MOTHER EXISTED BEFORE THE INVENTION OF CHEESE."

"Excellent, excellent!" the merchant clapped his hooves. "May I request an immediate meeting with the owner of this establishment?"

"I SHALL GRANT YOU SUCH A MEETING WITH THE BIG CHEESE."

"Big... chee--"


"SALUTATIONS. WE HAVE COME TO REQUEST AN AUDIENCE WITH THE BIG CHEESE." Princess Luna kicked down the door. She gently shut it behind her to the best of her abilities.

The aging mare looked up from her comically large vat of cheese. "Oh my!" she creaked, adjusting her glasses. She leaned over the vat, almost to the point of falling into its frothing contents. "You've come back!"

The merchant's eyes grew wide. "Mother? B-but I thought, when father passed, you... but the debt!"

"PAID IN FULL WITH CHEESE." Princess Luna beamed.

"And the cheesery!" the merchant gazed about the room. "How is it that I was unaware of its existence?"

The old mare's expression grew solemn for a moment. "Your great-grandmother was the great-great-great granddaughter of the inventor of cheese, son. She passed only a few years ago, and with your grandmother having vanished in the war, I was the inheritor of this establishment. Come, sit, sit!" her mood lightened a little as she beckoned. "Tea for you, Princess?"

"A BAG OF CHEETOS SHALL SUFFICE."

The old mare turned a knob beneath the vat and stepped away. "What about you, son?" she wiped her hooves on an old rag hanging nearby before retrieving a bag of Cheetos from the pantry. "Have you heard your cousin adopted a little colt? Said that the poor lad wouldn't stop staring after she gave 'em a visit. Lucky foal, that one. 'Tis a shame that there are so many orphaned little fillies and colts still awaiting for caring eyes to come."

"Uh."

She set the Cheeto bag on the table in front of Luna, and a platter of cheese and crackers in front of the merchant. "Don't have any of those cute lil' lunch packs in store right now, but I believe making food fresh always beats the store-bought sorts."

The merchant kept his gaze low. "But... why? You didn't even like cheese. You had a whole business of your own, too! And you gave it up... for cheese?"

"Aye. Figured my travelin' days were over after the war. Still don't like cheese, but it's more bearable if it's the sort I make myself."

"I... suppose that makes sense. I do have one more question to ask, however. Through all the places I have traveled, I have met a great number of cheesemakers. Yet, none of them have ever told me where they source their ingredients. If it doesn't inconvenience you, may you please shine a light on this mystery?"

Luna slammed her Cheeto dust-covered hoof on the table, crushing the now-empty bag. "WHO GOT MILKED FOR THIS CHEESE?"

"They really refuse to speak?" the old mare snorted. Her eyes darted between her son and Princess Luna. "Follow me."


"See, the secret is, none of us really know where the milk comes from." The old mare opened a hatch in the floor behind the vat and climbed down. "But every night, a mysterious carriage comes at the witching hour, its innards filled entirely with jugs of milk. They never ask for payment. They never say a word. You take three, no more, no less."

"How come?" the merchant finally reached the bottom behind her. Luna teleported down beside him.

"They hiss if you take more, and if you take less, they will leave a jug behind regardless of your wants. There is no tunnel into this basement, nor is there any tunnel out. I do not know how they traverse."

A low rumbling began to rock the ground beneath them.

"Another delivery? At this time?" the old mare craned her neck, peering into the darkness at the end of the corridor.

A blinding flash bathed them momentarily in light, dying away again as a carriage recklessly rumbled into view. It skid to a halt in front of Luna, slamming the door open on her muzzle. The old mare reached out, taking hold of a crate--three jugs, no more and no less.

"Princess!" the merchant rushed to Luna's side, helping her to her hooves. "Wait!" he shouted as the door slammed shut again. "I must ask you a question!"

"She needs some milk!" the old mare pointed a hoof at the unconscious princess.

The carriage creaked as if a tremendous weight had shifted within. Slowly, the door began to open again. It was entirely dark within, save for a pair of narrowed eyes.

"Get away!" the old mare shouted at her son. "One should never speak to the milk-eyes!"

Luna groaned, sitting up from the impact. She immediately scrunched her muzzle. "Celly?"

The narrowed eyes froze.

"Sister, you know how much I hate that perfume you use." Luna rubbed her face, stepping around the door this time and peering deep inside.

"Wh--" the merchant shot confused glances between his mother and Luna, who continued to berate the figure in the carriage for their scent. "Wait, it was Celestia the entire time, delivering milk not only to you, but to cheesemakers all across the world?"

Celestia poked her head out from the carriage. "Yes, and if you spread the word that I am The Milkmare, then I shall have you banished to the sun."

"But why, sister?" Luna sounded equally astonished. "Do you not have other duties to attend to?"

"I did have other duties, but you keep ruining them all with your interrupting about cheese!" Celestia shot a scathing glare at her sister. "This is how I keep Equestria's trade deals intact. To ensure that we get the deal no matter what, all milk production is controlled by me personally, and delivered on a cost-free, tax-free basis to incentivize cheesemaking. All so that you don't drive this country into the ground with your rampant nagging about silly things such as microtransactions and new cheeses."

She turned her attention back to the old mare and the merchant. "I apologize for the scene I have made. I will take my leave."

The door slammed shut, hitting Luna across the face a second time as The Milkmare sped off into the darkness again before disappearing in another flash.