//------------------------------// // Lesson Zero // Story: Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student // by milesprower06 //------------------------------// Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student by milesprower06 Lesson Zero Dear Princess Celestia, First things first; please ignore that first 'Princess-has-to-come-and-save-the-day problem' letter you got from all of us, it was a ruse. Sorry, but Twilight was in the room when that one was written. So now that she's gone up to bed, the rest of us have gathered in the basement to write you our real letter. So I guess we'll get right to the point; we are fully ready to admit that a secret war has been waged between Canterlot and Ponyville; for one single reason: Neither town wants to harbor Twilight Sparkle. We Ponyvillians sort of have the disadvantage, seeing as how Canterlot is the residence of the snobs and the gods, but we were willing to try. We had it planned to the last detail. We bribed the Cakes to put so much damn frosting on her order of cupcakes that she would freak out, and with her attention to detail, waste time as the day began. Then, we had Spike conveniently not remind Twilight about her weekly letter to you until the very last minute. We figured this way, our motives would stay under wraps, and Twilight could go back to magic kindergarten where she belongs. Yeah, she's that immature. To keep up appearances, Spike convinced her time and again that such a possibility was preposterous. So she set out to find a friendship problem that she could solve. We figured that she would come to one of us first, so we all had our individual scenarios planned out. First up was Rarity. Initially, we were skeptical about her planned scenario; come on, how is helping finding a lost ribbon a lesson in friendship? But Twilight was not going to get the opportunity to help. That was the goal here; everypony was going to be able to solve their own problems, so Twilight would fail her assignment, and she could get her high-and-mighty unicorn ass out of our town. Rarity also added the perfect touch; “Isn't it always in the last place you look?” That was hilarious. I have never seen anypony go “Yeah I found my ribbon but I'm still looking for it!” We knew with Twilight, that no matter how well planned our game was, that no plan would ever fully survive her antics. So Rainbow Dash and Applejack went along with their planned barn demolition, and what does Twilight do? She goes all therapist on Rainbow! What the fuck? Did you know that she's possibly been giving unlicensed therapeutic advice? Isn't that illegal? Throw her ass in the dungeon, then she's NOPONY'S problem! Then, she ran into Fluttershy. While pretending it was a rather extreme massage to relieve a bear's shoulder tension, it was in fact, Harry, who had come by to find out why she and Rainbow Dash hadn't arrived to house sit for him a few weeks ago. So she gave him the smackdown he deserved, because apparently he didn't hear the part about payments up front for the house sitting service. No money, no house sitting, so it wasn't their fault his place was broken into. We had all planned a picnic for the middle of the day, so Twilight would have even more on her schedule, and even less time to find a lesson on friendship. Turns out, she's really good at wasting time even with a get-together planned. Spike told us she spent a good hour on a park bench muttering something along the lines of “my precious” or some shit. Now came the picnic. We were all looking forward to this, as we wanted to see how our efforts had paid off thus far. To be honest, we could barely contain our glee. It was considerably difficult to keep our act together. She came to us all freaked out and anxious, and we acted all concerned up to the point where she mentioned the letter, then we just blew it off, saying she was overreacting. By the way, did you know what was going on? Because that was a simply AWESOME troll you did with the sun. Making it tick like a clock, priceless! Spike tells us that by that point, Twilight was really beginning to lose it, as in if she can't find a friendship problem, she'd make a friendship problem. No, really? Like she hasn't been making friendship problems for the past year? She went into the meadows by the schoolhouse, and starting pestering Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, trying to get them to play with her doll. When they saw that it was just a raggedy piece of shit, they tried to get her to go away or shove it onto each other. Then Twilight had to bring magic into the picture. Ah yes, the 'Want It Need It' spell. This truly perplexes us. Did you know how sexually frustrated she's been ever since she got here? Why the fuck wouldn't she just use the Want It Need It Spell on herself, and then just watch as she got violated by every mare and stallion in town? But no. Instead, she saves it for now, and conveniently forgot how to turn the spell off when it came time to lecture the fillies. So it slowly spread, and pretty soon the whole fucking town is fighting over this doll. Twilight manages to keep our eyes off of it long enough for the sun to go down and for you to show up and negate the spell. By the way, Big Mac has some issues he should probably address. Seriously, that's fucked up. So we all wanted to be there in the library for when she was sent back to kindergarten, and then you hit us with the most unexpected twist ever; not only are you going to make HER continue to write letters, but now you want US to as well? You know Princess, we really, REALLY fucking hate to admit it, but Twilight has a point. You are a troll. I mean here we were, about to get Twilight out of town, and then you make us do the same useless thing she's been doing. Do you know what that means? There are six of us in this sorry little group. Which means there is a 16.6% chance that we'd have to write a letter about her. Kinda...kinda like we did just now. Heh, who knew? But at least you said to report the findings on the magic of friendship only when we discover them. So I think we can all agree that it may be awhile before you get another letter from any of us. Because, face it, as long as Twilight's here, it's only going to continue going downhill. Your faithful subjects, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Flutershy, Rainbow Dash, and Spike