//------------------------------// // A bath, a pegasus, and my ugly mug lands me in the slammer // Story: Sorry, But Your Princess is in Another Dimension // by Mr AJ //------------------------------// Chapter 3 Oh, God! It's here! "No! You know what? Not just no, HELL NO!" I shouted at the green unicorn as I sat next to the tub in the bathroom holding a scrub brush. Apparently, she wanted me in the bath with her, that was why she had been so perky since I had offered to clean her up. At first I had thought it would be no different than giving my dog a bath, and so it was. To an extent. Up to the point where she had asked me to join her. The girl started on me with the sad puppy dog eyes. I'm beginning to suspect all ponies have this as a secret weapon. "Why in the world do you want me in there with you? I barely know you." I asked the mare, averting my eyes from the S.P.D.E. Lyra shifted nervously in the bubble filled tub It wasn't that the water was dirty, we had changed it three times already. I wanted to know what she was thinking. She pulled a hoof up and watched the water drip off. "I guess I'm just used to having Bon-Bon with me. At home we usually bathe together. I probably just used to having her in with me. Please?" She pleaded, upping the power of her sad face a few billion notches. Why me God, why me? "No, Lyra. It'd be too weird for me to-ahhh, dammit." I muttered, resigning myself to the fate put before me. "Anyway, I didn't want to say so earlier, but you need one too. You smell funny." She said, sticking out her tongue. *sigh* So, there I am getting out of my pants, when my phone fell out of my pocket and landed between my feet. Shocked beyond belief, I fell to my knees with my shorts around my ankles. I could call home, I could let someone know where I was. That is, if my luck was like a normal person's. *gasp*"What is that funny looking thing?" Lyra shouted, pointing with a hoof. I looked at her. "That' right, you never seen one before." "No. It's really shiny. Do you polish it?" "Polish it? No, but I do-" "Can I play with it?" "Wait, we are still talking about this right?" I asked holding up the phone. She blinked and tilted her head to one side. "Huh? What did you think I was talking about? She asked evidently completely confused. "Nothing, don't worry about it. But this is a smart phone. It's main function is to talk to people over great distances. However, they also take pictures and play music, depending on the model." I explained. I pressed the button at the top to see how bad it was really damaged. i could see a crack in the screen going all the way across. Pleasepleasepleaseohpleasework. The screen lit up, showing the lock screen, date and time, seventy-five percent power, annnnnd no service. Looks like my luck was holding steady at least. "You said it takes pictures, do you have pictures of other humans on there? she asked, moving next to me as I sat down in the water. i went into my pictures and showed her a large group of people apparently arguing over something. I explained what was going on. "This is the last family reunion I went to. I forget what exactly was being discussed, but I wasn't asked back to another." I said with a grin creeping up on me. "And I'm not the least bit sad about it." "Why? Don't you miss seeing your family?" she asked, clearly a little confused. "A little, but my family is extremely stubborn and opinionated. While I said I don't recall what was being discussed, I do remember that I wouldn't take sides in the matter and was basically shunned from then on except by my parents and a cousin or two." I thumbed over a couple more til I found another I liked. "Here, this is one of my best friends. his name is Claudius, but everyone calls him Andy. We've known each other since we were little." I told her. "He looks a little like you, are you related?" she asked. *sigh*" No, but I hear that a lot. I just don't see it personally." I said, wondering if I would ever get to see any of them again. I must have looked a little sad, judging by Lyra's worried expression. "Right, on to happier things then. This also plays music, remember? Would you like to hear some from my world?" I asked the blinking unicorn. "Uh, sure. I play an instrument too actually, the lyre. I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself." she said getting a little smug. "Well, I'm afraid I don't have anything with a lyre in it, but this one here's pretty good. Tell me what you think." I told her as I picked a song that has been with me since I was a toddler. The song ended and Lyra was stunned. "You want some more don't you?" I asked. She weakly nodded. I played two more to see what her reaction would be. Oh, she reacted all right. She leaned over and tried to snatch it with her... magic? That crap still creeps me out. Anyway, I say tried, because she succeeded only in dropping it into the tub. Well, shit. I glared at her. "Just had to grab it didn't you? Couldn't just, oh I don't know ASK?!" I shouted just below a roar. I must have shocked pretty good with that display because she looked ready to cry. For real this time. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Can you fix it? You built it didn't you?" She asked, wiping her eyes. The laugh I let out next scared her a second time. "Fix it? No. Build it? I don't even know how it works. I might be able to save it if I can open it up and dry it out in-" I tried to say as a piece of the screen floated by my knee. "-time. Or not, I guess. Well, it's gone and there's not much I can do about it, so it's best not to worry with it. Let's get out now, the water's gone cold. I also saw it was pretty late on the phone's clock so, I'll walk you home. Sound good?" I asked. "Yeah, good idea. It is getting pretty late and ol' "Bonnie's" probably getting worried." She said, getting out of the tub and shaking off. "Let's get a move on!" She shouted. "Okay, okay I'm coming. Hold your horses." I told her. Wait. And I burst out laughing at what I just said. She just stood there looking at me like I had lost it. Until I stood up that is. She started snickering this time. I reached for a towel and started drying my face. "What's so funny?" I asked. "Oh, not much. I just didn't know that humans got so shriveled and wrinkly in the water." she was bursting at the sides trying not to laugh. Oh, so that was her game. "Well, Ms. Lyra. There is something else you should know about humans...." i took my towel by the opposite corners and twirled it a few times. She stopped laughing to watch me. "Never laugh at one with a rolled up wet towel." "Ooooooh, whatcha gonna do? Wrinkle my fur-KA-SNAP!-YIPE!" "ENOUGH!" ================================================================================ Lyra's left flank now sported a small, red welt to the right of her harp. We were on our way to her home where as luck would have it I was now spending the night. Twilight had gotten tired of the racket and thrown the both of us out. (after I had gotten dressed thankfully) "So with all that music on your phone thingy, can you sing at all?" she asked. I cringed at the question. "No Lyra, I can't. The last time I tried the dog tucked his tail between his legs and ran from the room screaming. I know how to take a hint." I replied, Poor dog was never the same again. We both laughed at the thought. From there on, she decided to tell me what she knew about humans. She was about to tell me about the few recorded human sightings that had been reported recently, but made a *shush* noise as we neared the house that she and Bon-Bon lived in. "All the lights are out so she's probably gone to bed already. Just be quiet and try not to wake her." She said, quietly unlocking the door. Wait, where did that key come from? No matter, I had something else on my mind. 'So, I'm curious, you and Bon-Bon. Are you two just roommates or are you-" I was interrupted as the door burst open and a VERY angry looking mare with curlers in her mane stuck her head out. "Wake wh-OHGOODCELESTIAHE'SREAL!" I knelt, so as to be more at eye level with her. "Hi! You must be Bon-Bon. Nice to meet (*KLUNK*) you.... Uh, does she usually faint like this?" ================================================================================ After I'd helped carry the unconscious earth mare to their bedroom, Lyra brought me a couple of pillows and a blanket. "Sorry we don't have an extra bed, but you can use the couch if you want." "Thank-you Lyra, you're being more than generous." I said and spread the blanket out on the couch. She gave me a funny look as I settled down on top of it. "You're not gonna cover up with it?" "Nope. Never have liked sleeping under one." "Well, suit yourself. The bathroom is across the hall from the bedroom if you need it. Goodnight, human." She said and turned back down the hall. I smacked my face. Of course! I hadn't even introduced myself! "Sorry. My name is Anthony. I have a nickname I go by, but, it sounds pretty generic. Maybe I'll tell you some other time. Again, I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier." I apologized. "Hmm, Anthony. It fits you." She said and shut the door. I lay back on the couch and drifted off to sleep, wondering if I would ever get home again, or if I really wanted to. Sure my family and friends were there, but, this was an opportunity for something nobody else had done before. To see a new world. Meet new lifeforms see new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before. Dear God, I was paraphrasing Star Trek. I guess I needed sleep worse than I thought. I slept like a rock. Or at least felt like I was sleeping under one. I woke up extra early the next morning. Not because of some noise, or a bomb going off or anything remotely pleasant. A lone bright beam of sun came through a part in the curtains and right into my eyes. Cursing the weapons grade sunshine, I staggered to the bathroom. Seeing that my two hosts weren't up yet and deciding that it might put Bon-Bon in a better mood, i went into the kitchen to make some breakfast. The kitchen was surprisingly well equipped. All the appliances looked like they were really well taken care of. The stove, fridge microwave, wall-eyed pegasus, even a well stocked pant-. Pegasus? I turned and looked next to the refrigerator and yep, sure enough, a grey, wall-eyed pegasus. It's too early in the morning for shenanigans. I face-palmed. Way too early. "Ms. Pegasus, What are you doing in Lyra's kitchen? When did you even get here?" I asked. She blinked and grinned. "My name is Derpy Hooves, and I'm here for breakfast! Oh, and I spent the night." she said "Ohhhhhkayyyyy, then where did you sleep? My name is Anthony, by the way" "The couch." The couch. Right........ Wait. "Ms. Derpy, I slept on the couch" "I know. I slept on your back and you didn't even notice! You're a really heavy sleeper!" She said with the same grin as before. I just stood there in utter disbelief. I had absolutely no way to come back on that one. I shook my self from my stupor. "Well, as long as you're here, you're gonna help! I'm afixing to start cooking." I asked her. She snapped to attention. "FOR MUFFINS!" She shouted. "FOR COFFEE!" I answered. We both spun, ending up side by side at the stove. "FOR BREAKFAST!" We both shouted, raising a fist and hoof in the air respectively. We held the pose until we heard a slow applause coming from the doorway. There stood Lyra and Bon-Bon, both looking more than a little annoyed. "Nice show, you two should go on tour." The cream colored pony said sarcastically. I felt my face flush while Derpy just stood there bowing to our "audience". "If you're taking requests though, how about Muffins and fried apples?" Sounded good to me. Derpy thought for a minute. "I don't know that one. Can you hum a few bars?" She asked. And here I thought I was good for a groaner or two. Bon-Bon just shook her head. "She actually does this pretty often. But here's some bits to go and get some apples." she said and handed me a small pouch full of coins. Naturally, I opened it. "HOLY F*#KING SHIT! IT'S GOLD!" I hollered. I had never seen so much. All three mares looked at me like I was now certifiably insane. I looked up. "What? This bag weighs at least three pounds. Considering what gold was going for when I left ($1752.54 per ounce for those wondering), this is a couple years pay for me! I'm allowed to be a little shocked." I said matter-of-factually. "Huh." was all any of them had to say on it. Bon-Bon continued. "We usually just send Derpy, but last time she came back with all muffins." "Well, they were apple-cinnamon." Lyra admitted. Bon-Bon shot her a stare that made her shut up with a small "eep!" of fear. Definitely not roommates. "DON'T. DEFEND. HER." she growled. I was glad I had already used the bathroom. She turned back to me, smiling like nothing had ever happened. "Just get some apples and muffins and try not to draw too much attention to yourselves." she said. I put the bag on my belt and offered my arm to Derpy. "Shall we be off, Ms. Hooves?" I asked. She put her wing around my arm. "Yes, Let's" She answered as we shut the door behind us. the other two mares just looked at each other. "Oh, no. Now there are two of them!" Lyra muttered. ================================================================================ Luckily, it was still pretty early, so there weren't many ponies about. The few that did see me gave us a wide berth. Derpy and I just smiled and waved. It didn't take us long to find a nice looking apple cart not to far way from the weirdest looking bakery I'd ever seen. It reminded me of Hansel and Gretel's story. I knew that story. It was one of my favorites growing up. Now way in hell was I going in that place. Derpy dug some bits out of the pouch and trotted merrily to (I figured) her doom. She was already too far away to stop. I shed a tear. Alas, fair Derpy. I knew ye not well. I went about browsing the apple selection and quickly found my favorites, honey-crisp. They were right next to what seemed to be rainbow painted apples. Not sure of what kind they actually were, I was deciding to go with standard red delicious when I heard running and a woman yell. "Get away from mah apples ya ugly looking critter!" the pony yelled. I looked up' "Huh?" KA-RACK! ================================================================================ I don't recall much of what happened after that. That is until I woke up in a small, dark, room several hours later. I came to on a cot staring at a low, bare ceiling. I shifted and hit the floor. I saw iron bars on the way down. After picking my sorry butt up off the floor and bumping my head on the low ceiling. I was starting to wonder if these ponies had built a special prison for midget ponies. "Great, just great my first trip to a new world and I get tossed in midget jail." I muttered to myself. A snort of suppressed laughter brought my attention to the cell door. A new pony was there. She looked to be about a few inches shorter than me, not counting the horn she sported. Her coat was a sort of royal blue with a flowing mane of a darker shade that seemed to be dotted with twinkling stars. She noticed me staring and nervously shuffled her wings. I remembered something the pink one had told me. Let's see; blue, wings, horn, slightly larger...... "Princess Luna I presume?" She seemed a little shocked that I called her name. "Y-yes. My sister and I were notified when a strange creature was brought to our dungeon. Shortly there after, a rather strange mailmare dropped in through one of our windows ranting about an Anthony being locked up by mistake. do you know her? I've seen her here and there before but never actually spoke to her." The princess said. I sat down on the floor. "Yes ma'am, i do know her. Her name is Derpy. Due to her eyes I think. But, yeah she's sort of a friend I guess." I explained. "Why do you ask? She's not in trouble, is she?" The princess was a little taken aback. "NO! No, not at all. Once my sister heard your name, she put two and two together and figured out it was you in here. She then sent me to retrieve you. are you quite ready?" Luna asked. She opened the door and I stepped out, finally able to stretch. My back popped several times, and my knees, neck shoulders followed suit. Man, i sound like a bowl of a certain breakfast cereal when I get up. I rubbed my face feeling for a bruise from that pony that nailed me. Yep! there was a hoof shaped one on my forehead. I grumbled. "Let's go, your highness." ==================Slightly Earlier================================================= AppleJack was in the middle of cleaning up the overturned baskets from the problem earlier. She felt pretty proud of herself. "Ah bet that varmint thinks twice 'fore showing his face 'round here again." She said to herself. She righted an upturned basket and saw a frantic looking pegasus flying erratically. "Hey there Derpy! Lose somethin"? The grey blur landed and focused both eyes on the farmer. "Hiya AppleJack! I did! Uh, actually somepony. Bon-Bon sent the two of us out earlier to get breakfast and now I can't find him anywhere. Have you seen him?" She asked hopefully. "Naw. Ah ain't seen nothing since that monster critter attacked mah apple cart earlier." The orange pony said. Derpy was stunned. she hadn't heard anything about a monster. "Were you scared? What did you do? What did it look like?" she asked busy mare. AppleJack put the last apple back in place and turned to her friend. "He weren't scary at all. He's a might tall though, walked on two legs and had some nasty looking fangs on him. Ah bucked him right in the face and he went down pretty quick. Then Ah found a couple of guards in town an got 'em ta haul him back to the princess's dungeon." She told the pegasus. AppleJack walked around to pick up her hat from the other side of the cart. "Hey Derpy? Would you like a zap apple? It's on the-" She looked around but the other mare was gone. "-house." =============================Meanwhile.....========================================= "Where could those two be? I'm STARVING!" A pink and blue maned earth pony moaned. Her companion poured another cup of coffee and slurped loudly. The green unicorn trudged back to the table and plopped her head down. "No idea Bonnie, No. Idea."