//------------------------------// // This isn’t Cannon 5(Twilight Dies?) // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// Ugh… my head. I have a fucking hangover. What happened again? I remember drinking a lot after closing at McDonalds, walking out of McDonalds onto a highway and everything went black after something went ‘thud’ against my body. Well, whatever happened, I don’t know, I don’t care. I woke up and now I’m falling out of the sky. I don’t have hands or feet anymore by the way. In fact, while I am falling, let me describe to you how badly I am hallucinating because of this hangover. So I have hooves, I have a horse, and I have an unyielding urge to find grass and eat it. Now, I could, I could just go take a shower, but I’m stuck and suspended in the sky while gravity decides to fucking work for once. Sir Issac Newton didn’t prepare me for ‘haha, you got fucking smashed and you’re completely out of it, mate’.  Oh cool, a pretty castle! Wait… what? I crashed through the ceiling and came completely unharmed because I landed on a bed! I mean, the bed was completely shattered and torn to pieces(and on fire), but it broke my fall! There was a nice, emphasis on was, a dangerously fireplace in front of the bed, and I had slammed into said bed. Some of the pieces of the bed kinda broke the fireplace, and the whole room is on fire. Anyways, I left that to burn to the ground, because I need some fucking water and a toilet. Especially the toilet. I’m about to throw up, I need to piss, and I feel about ready to take a dump. What’s the worst that can happen? Somebody gets mad and kills me? Like I would rather get murdered because this headache fucking sucks shit, dude. “That sounded like it came from my bedroom!” Some woman shouted as a bunch of hooves made muffled, but echoey hoof step sounds. I cannot wait to experience what I am about to holy shit, there are eight horses. Three of them had flowing manes, wings, and horns. One had just a horn. Two had wings. Two had neither wings or a horn. One of the non winged, non horned fuckers look like they had coccaine flowing through their veins instead of coccaine. “Wow! Nugget27 must be really running out of ideas to start these bonus chapters!” Pinkie Pie shouted. Hey, pink bitch, only I am allowed to point that sort of shit out. “Shut up, Fruit Punch, you do not mess with my Pinkie sense!” Everybody blinked a present blinked at little bickering until a chicken nugget came down. One flash- what was happening? Oh, horses. Right. The white horse came to a stop at the front of the little… herd? Would that be the right term here? In another life, that word meant ‘harem’, so I’m probably wrong. What other life? I dunno, but I’m about to get hitched to a bug horse, which is pretty weird, but I suppose being able to date a bug horse at all is better than dying sad and alone. The white horse stared down at me, and blinked a couple of times. “How did this stallion get past the guards?” The white one asked nobody in particular. “In fact, my little pony, what are you doing in my palace, just outside my bedroom?” She continued. “And why is the hallway leading to it, not only on fire, but caved in as you get closer and closer to my bedroom?” She glared down at me. “Tell me, my little pony, did you commit this act of terrorism?” “Hey now, don’t blame me for what happened there! I didn’t mean to fall out of the sky at terminal speeds into your bedroom! Like all I remember is getting hit by a semi truck going seventy after drinking too much, and my head hurt a lot. The next thing I know, I’m a goddamn pretty pony that any six year old girl would want to have as a pet, and then I slam into a castle, land safely on a bed, and accidentally destroy the entire room by falling?” I scratched the back of my head. “How the shit did I do that without fingers? Or hands?” I stared at my hooves while contemplating if I could pick my nose still. “What in Tartarus are you even talking about?” The purple one asked.  “I was once a hairless monkey, now I am a horse. I fell out of the sky, and now I’m here being accused of active terrorism,” I said while bashing my head into a wall. Because blunt force trauma is how you overcome a migraine. “So if you’re gonna cut my head off-” I was glowing purple. Why the fuck am I glowing purple? “Oh sick, I can fly?”  “Princess Celestia, do you have any idea as to what this stallion is saying? I think he might be clinically insane.” “Hey now, my horrible ADHD and clinically stupid ass… completely agrees with you. How the hell I haven’t ended up in any mental institute yet is a mystery to me.” “Can you shut up?” I nodded, before taking out another can of beer, and downing the whole thing. Where I kept that can, I don’t know, but it made my migraine disappear. So At least I know the solution to a hangover:m alcohol poisoning! The horses all began discussing what to do with me. The pink one suggested a party, while the others suggested reasonable stuff for my act of terrorism on what I accidentally did. The stupid, white, curly maned one suggest keeping me so she could have her way with me- wait what the fuck? The Purple one then turned to me, and lowered me so I was staring her in the eyes. “Tell me, do you have a name?” “Yeah, my name…” Fuck, I am so drunk and hungover that I forgot my name. “FruityB, nice to meet ya!” Wow, I am very close to that snoot, and I can boop it. I want to boop it. Booping the snoot will be very fun, very satisfying, and that snoot looks very boopable. So I reached out and to boop the snoot. “Boop!” The purple one went cross eyed while explaining to me the ramifications of what I had just done, but I don’t care. I just booped a purple pony with wings and a horn. Anyways I made a thump against the wall. I groaned and rolled onto my stomach, I’m still a horse, but now there’s a ring on my head penis. Why? I dunno. Before me, sat the purple horse I had booped. I wanna- “So, FruityB, whatever that stands for.” “Fruity Bitch.” In another life I chose the dumb name ‘Fruit Punch’. Like what kinda dumbass name is that? Fruit punch isn’t even all that good unless there’s alcohol in it. “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, or the Princess of Friendship?” I cocked my head and blinked. “What? Are you not not up to date with modern Equestria?” “Why the fuck is there a Princess specifically for friendship?” I asked. “To help friendship problems of course!” I… huh? Don’t those get solved when both individuals are mature and settle their differences civilally? Like what the fresh shit, dude? I… actually humanity could use a friendship princess. We can be very immature when it comes to disagreements. Especially over dumb, small stuff like pineapple on pizza. People who think pineapple belongs on pizza should stop thinking. Because they’re wrong. “So judging from half of the things you were saying, Fruit, you aren’t from Equestria. Am I correct?” Twilight asked. “The fuck is Equestria?” “That answers that question!” Twilight said cheerily. For the next seven and a half hours, I was being asked dumb shit about Earth, which should be common sense, what I actually am, what I was, and how the hell I fell from the sky and into Princess Celestia’s bedroom. I think I want to murder this horse, because she won’t stop. It’s been seven hours, almost eight, and she still has shit to ask me! Like lady, I want to go home, not talk to your stupid ass. I grabbed my chair, which was surprisingly easy to do, and whacked the Princess of Friendship over the head with it while she was reading over a checklist with fifty seven hundred things on said checklist. That was only one page, one page, of shit she was going to ask me. Anyways, like a man that was hit on the head with a chair, the purple horse was hit on the head with a chair. And like a man that was hit in the head with a chair, the purple horse was hit in the head with a chair and knocked the fuck out.  Or I would have, but it turns out this horse was very sleep deprived, as her face planted into the table and started snoring… okay, that is adorable, I can’t kill that! I can’t hate that! Twilight snores like a little puppy, and it’s cute! Aight, I’m taking her and gonna stick her in an actual bed and just leave. Perhaps I can go find a random forest to go live in. it would be perfect since I have zero survival or self preservation skills. I threw the Princess onto my back and trotted out of the room, just casually whistling, happily wandering around the castle- up until I ran into the same group of ‘ponies’ from earlier. What makes them different from horses? I don’t know, you ask me. Apparently ponies can have wings and horns, but horses can’t, I don’t fucking know!  “What the hay are you doing with Twilight?” the cyan one asked. “Your friend… fell asleep?” I took off running, somehow Twilight Sparkle hasn’t fallen off of my back yet, so that's really cool. Because now I have a hostage. Why do I need a hostage? I don’t know. Fucker, a dead end.  “Your reign of terror ends here, demon,” the dark blue, horny and winged one said. Ah, the only one to catch up to me. Wha? How incompetent were the members of the group? Do they just rely on the power of friendship or something? “It is a shame too, because it seems you have taken on the form of a lovely looking stallion, and you choose to try and kidnap a Princess after knocking her out. “You think I wanted to fucking kidnap her? I was just gonna stick her in some guest room, not fucking John F. Kennedy this nerd. Like, I am tempted to, but even I’m above killing somebody over something stupid like them questioning me for eight hours straight, with at least ninety two hours of shit to ask me. I wanted to go the fuck home, and instead I fell from the sky, into your sister’s room, and then I get put in jail for intentional terrorism. A yawn from behind me made me jump, Twilight just nuzzled deeper into my… neck. Great, good job you fucking Nugget, you were supposed to kill this pony, and instead, you made me want to keep her. Good job. I fucking hate you, you can’t write for shit. You’re a fucking idiot with keyboard and a mental illness.  A small smile formed on my face as I laid my chin on the back of her head. “What the…” “What?” “You just treated Princess Twilight as if she were your lover just now,” Luna said. “Shit. Look, I wasn’t a pony originally, I don’t know if what I’m doing is considered romantic-” “Well, carrying a sleeping mare on your back is a common trope in most romance novels I have read.” “Unhoof Twilight-” the Cyan one came to a stop, as I was now laying on the ground, holding Twilight in a supposedly romantic way, thinking of a way to just kill myself and get this over with. Twilight herself had just opened her eyes, but hadn’t moved yet, as she was still trying to wake up. “Twilight, you were supposed to interrogate this guy, not try to sleep with him,” the Cyan one said. “Wha… Gah!” Twilight jumped when she realized what she was laying on, and I groaned.  I pulled out a can of beer and started drinking it. I need adult sleep juice right now, or I am not going to- Twilight just laid back down on my side. “Why.”  “This feels… nice.” Twilight said. I got up and walked over to the nearest window, and started pounding my head into it. Eventually you will break, really strong, conveniently strong window, and I will kill myself. It shattered after a series of hoofsteps filled the hall and I poked my head outside the castle. Yeah, what a view, I can see a small little town here that looks quaint and cool… There's a city made of clouds! Alright, never mind, I wanna go to that city. “So Twilight has a new coltfriend!” The Cyan One, or Rainbow Dash was currently teasing her friend as she recalled the whole whatever the fuck just happened. I brought my head back in, and the same mares from earlier, and a few guards were standing next to Twilight. All of them were staring at me. A new pink one was grinning ear to ear, while her eyes darted from me to Twilight constantly. “Fruit, may I ask why we found you carrying Princess Twilight?” Celestia, the tall white one asked. “She fell asleep mid interrogation and left the cell open. So I was gonna find a bed, leave Twilight there, and go.” “Were you plotting to do… unspeakable things to her?” “Yeah, I was tempted to draw cat whiskers on her face, but I don’t think my hooves have the dexterity to do that. So I was just gonna leave her and go.” “No… forced mating?” Celestia asked. “Wha? I wasn’t going to rape somebody, Sunbutt.” You know, the broken window behind me seems tempting. “You know Princess Celestia, I believe we can take Fruit back to Ponyville, and ‘reform’ him,” Twilight suggested. “You just want to keep your coltfriend-” “FruityB is not my coltfriend!” Twilight yelled. “What… does…” Oh. Oh. Oh fuck. I stuck my head out the window and blinked a couple of times. “Well, I feel sad, lonely, and two feet tall. So… Princess Twilight, it’s been a blast. You snore like a cute little puppy, I carried you around, you drove me mentally insane. I’d say we’re a very compatible couple. Unfortunately, I have done some research, and it appears that the laws of gravity and I have a date!” “Wait… laws of gravity? The one thing nopony has managed to-” I threw myself out the window. And thus, why Fruit Punch x Twilight Sparkle wouldn’t work.