//------------------------------// // The Mother#$@king Applebucking Season // Story: MLP: FML // by Maniac92 //------------------------------// "So run that by me again..." said Applejack. "Ya hurt yer what doin' what?" It had been a few days since the tickets arrived and almost all of the ponies could not stop thinking about the Gala. Almost all of them, that is, except for Applejack. She couldn't simply stop focusing on work just cause of some fancy frou-frou Gala! She had apples to buck! And it was the start of the busiest time at Sweet Apple Acres: Applebuck season. All of the trees would be loaded down with apples and it was her job to harvest all of them. Fortunately, Applejack would normally have her big brother, Big Macintosh, to help her out. Unfortunately... "Ah told ya." said Big Mac, "Ah broke three ribs when that branch fell on me the other day, my appendix has ruptured, and I'm bleedin' from the eyes." "But that's never stopped ya before!" said Applejack. "And Ah think Ah pulled something when Ah I had ta prance around in Granny's thong." Big Mac said as he glared at his little sister. "Hey, Ah won our little bet fair and square." said Applejack. "Besides, you're the one that insisted that you had ta wear it if ya lost." Applejack paused and looked at her brother in confusion. "Why did you insist that you had ta wear it if ya lost?" Big Mac shrugged and said, "Sometimes a man has just gotta feel pretty. And if he has ta wear a sparkly G-string ta do it, then by damn, he's gonna wear a sparkly G-string." "Ah'm gonna pretend like Ah didn't hear that." said Applejack. She looked at the massive orchard and said, "Well, it looks like Ah got mah work cut out for me. I best get started." "Hang on," said Big Mac, "That's way too much work for one pony." "ARE YOU SAYIN' THAT AH CAN'T DO IT?!" screamed Applejack. "No!" said Big Macintosh. "Well...yeah." "AH'LL SHOW YOU! AH'LL BUCK THESE APPLES BETTER THAN YOU EVER COULD!" Applejack ran off and yelled back, "YOU'LL SEE!" Big Macintosh stared after his little sister for a moment. Then he shrugged and walked off, saying, "Ah think I need ta go feel pretty again. Where's Granny's old cocktail dress?" Applejack muttered to herself as she walked over to a tree. "Stupid crossdressin' know-it-all...What does he know? Ah can get all these apples down in no time!" "And don't forget to take Winona for a walk!" yelled Big Mac. "Why do Ah always have to take her for a walk?!" screamed back Applejack. "Don't sass me! Just do it!" hollered Big Mac. "...Dammit..." muttered Applejack. Meanwhile A rumbling noise could be heard all throughout Ponyville as the ground began to shake. Rainbow Dash, having been woken from her third mid-morning nap, flew up into the air to see what the deal was. "This better be important..." she muttered to herself. "I was having that dream where the entire Wonderbolts team arrives in my bedroom and we all-" "Rainbow Dash!" yelled Twilight from the ground. "What do your Pegasus eyes see?" "The orcs are taking the hobbits to Isengard!" shouted Rainbow Dash. "...Really?" "No, not really! I can't see anything!" Rainbow Dash squinted and tried to spot what was causing the ground to shake. "It's just the same old, same old. The same trees, the same fields, the same giant dust cloud, the same strip joint..." "Wait, what?!" asked Twilight. "Yeah, it's called Stripsie's. It's a decent place, but I always get kinda shit-faced whenever I go there..." "NO!" yelled Twilight. "What about the giant dust cloud?" "Oh!" said Rainbow Dash. "There's a giant dust cloud headed right for us. It's probably a stampede." Dash was silent for a few moments. "...A stampede's bad, right?" "STAMPEDE!" yelled Twilight. Rainbow Dash squinted her eyes and said, "I think it's a bunch of cows." "COW STAMPEDE!" yelled Twilight. The ponies of Ponyville began to panic and started to do what they normally do in times of crisis: Run home, rush upstairs, and dive under the bed until the crisis is over. Pinkie Pie, oblivious to the panicking ponies surrounding her, said, "I haven't felt shaking this hard since Mr. and Mrs. Cake had their anniversary." "Pinkie," began Twilight, "What are you talking about?" "Well, it was late at night and Mr. Cake was like, 'If the room starts rockin', don't come a-knockin'.' and then he grabbed the whipped cream and headed upstairs and-" "I get it!" yelled Twilight. The Mayor walked into the center of town and shouted, "Everyone remain calm! This is no time to panic!" Rarity walked up to the Mayor and asked, "What should we do, Mayor?" "I don't know! I'm panicking!" shouted the Mayor. "LOOK!" Shouted Rainbow Dash. "WHAT, WHAT IS IT?" Yelled the Mayor. "...The quills and sofas place is having a 'Buy One, Get One Free' sale." said Rainbow Dash. "Oh yeah, and Applejack is running with the cows." "She what?" asked everyone as they turned to look. Applejack and her dog Winona were running side-by-side with the stampede. Applejack shouted, "Look at that bull over there!" The cows suddenly stopped and looked around for the imaginary bull. "That was anticlimactic." observed Pinkie Pie. "What in the name of Alan Jackson's mustache are you idiots doin'?!" Applejack yelled at the cows. One of the cows cleared her throat and said, "Sorry Applejack, but we saw a snake!" The other cows nodded in agreement. "A snake." repeated Applejack. "A snake made you start a stampede." "It was scary!" said the cow. "It was just lying there, without a head, and spitting water at us!" "...Are ya sure it wasn't a garden hose?" asked Applejack. "Oh..." said the cow in realization. "Oops." "Just git outta here." said Applejack. "Ok, ok." said the cow. "Come on, girls! Let's head to that McDonald's place! I have a hankering for another hamburger!" She paused and said, "I wonder what those are made out of?" "Maybe we'll track down Mootilda." said another cow. "No one's seen her since we went there last week." As the cows went off to unknowingly become cannibals, Applejack headed back to Sweet Apple Acres. "That was awesome!" said Pinkie Pie. "We should give Applejack a prize!" "That's not a bad idea." said the Mayor. "We should have her become mayor!" continued Pinkie Pie. "That is a bad idea and you should never suggest that EVER again!" replied the Mayor. "But what can we do to show Applejack our gratitude?" "I know!" said Pinkie. "A party?" asked Rainbow Dash. "I was going to say 'cash prizes', but sure, I guess a party could work." said Pinkie. About a week later Town Hall was decked out in streamers, balloons, and various other party decorations. Twilight and Spike walked over to Rarity, who was tying a ribbon on a tree. "We done?" asked Twilight. "What do you mean, 'we'?" asked Rarity. "You have been lounging in the shade, while I've been doing all the work!" "So?" asked Twilight. "So it's supposed to be me who's lounging in the shade!" Rarity sighed dramatically. "Oh, is an artist's work never done? Am I to slave my life away for the gratification of others without giving thought to my own desires? Am I-" "Rarity, are you done with decorating for the party?" Twilight interrupted. "Oh! I still have one more thing." said Rarity. She used her magic to lift a banner up and hang it from Town Hall. "What do you think?" she asked. Twilight looked at the banner and read the words on it, "'Congratulations, It's A Boy'?" "It was the only banner I could find." explained Rarity. "Oh well." said Twilight. "Is Applejack here?" "I don't know." said Rarity. "Ask Rainbow Dash." "DID SOMEBODY SAY 'RAINBOW DASH'?!" yelled Dash as she knocked Rarity aside. "Have you seen Applejack?" asked Twilight. "I actually haven't seen her all week." admitted Rainbow Dash. "But don't worry, Applejack is never late!" Two hours later "WHERE THE FUCK IS APPLEJACK?!" screamed Rainbow Dash. She paced back and forth. "We could look for her at Sweet Apple Acres..." suggested Fluttershy. "Hey hey hey!" said Rainbow Dash. "Who's in charge here?" "Y-you are sir! I mean ma'am!" "We don't have time to go all the way to Sweet Apple Acres!" Rainbow Dash turned around and pointed a hoof at Town Hall, where most of Ponyville had gathered. "Twilight's going to start her speech soon!" "So what should we do?" asked Fluttershy. "I guess we wait and see if Applejack shows up during the speech." said Rainbow Dash. The two Pegasi flew back into the crowd of ponies and watched as Twilight got on stage. Twilight, once she reached the podium, used her magic to grab a stack of note cards. She cleared her throat and said, "Welcome everypony! We are gathered here today to witness the union of two ponies in the bonds of holy matrimony-" Spike ran across the stage and whispered in Twilight's ear. "What do you mean, it's not a wedding?" said Twilight. "It's the speech about Applejack." explained Spike. "Oh. Well, alright then." Twilight cleared her throat and started over, "We are here today to honor a pony we can always count on! That pony is, of course, Applej-" "APPLEJACK IS AWESOME!" yelled Rainbow Dash. She flew up to the stage and pushed Twilight out of the way. "She's gonna help me with my stunts and it's...gonna be...SO AWESOME!" Rainbow Dash pushed her cheeks together and puckered her lips. "Rainbow Dash?" asked Twilight. "What the hell is with your face?" "I...can't...stop..." said Dash. "I think...my face...is...frozen." "Great." said Twilight as she kicked Rainbow Dash off the stage. "Now then, Applejack is-" "I get to run Sugar Cube Corner for the first time!" interrupted Pinkie Pie. "Pinkie, what the hell does that have to do with Applejack?" asked Twilight. "Who?" asked Pinkie. "Oh yeah! Applejack is going to help me! She is the best baker in Ponyville." "BULLSHIT!" screamed Mrs. Cake from the crowd. "Everything Applejack makes is great!" continued Pinkie. "Free samples for everyone!" The crowd cheered as Mr. Cake shouted, "That's right! It's free...with a payment of 15 bits!" "That is fantastic." said Twilight as she slammed Pinkie's face into the podium and threw her back into the crowd. "Now, does anyone have anymore stupid, inane announcements?" "Excuse me? Twilight?" came a soft voice. Fluttershy slunk over to the podium and stared up at Twilight. Twilight sighed and said, "Make it quick." "Sorry, but Applejack is also helping me!" said Fluttershy. "She's helping me with the Bunny Census this week." "Ok, you're done." said Twilight, approaching Fluttershy. "Bitch, you try to throw me off stage and I will fucking cut you." growled Fluttershy. She walked offstage. "Ok, anyone else?" asked Twilight. No one rushed up on stage. "Anyone? How 'bout you, Rarity? You keep eyeballing me. Is Applejack helping you sew apples on your dresses?" "Oh, darling!" laughed Rarity. "Bananas are what's in this season. Apples were so 2 months ago." "Ok. Great. Fantastic. Now..." Twilight looked over her notes. "We are here today-" "YOU'RE DONE!!!" screamed the Mayor. She ran up and smacked Twilight in the face and threw her off stage. The Mayor adjusted her glasses, cleared her throat, and said, "Without further ado, it is my privilege to present this giant trophy to our guest of honor! Ponyville's most dependable, reliable, slightly smelly friend: Applejack!" There was silence as Ponyville waited for Applejack to come up on stage. "Applejack!" repeated the Mayor. More silence. "Where the hell is she?" asked the Mayor. "Ah'm here!" yelled a voice. Ponyville's collective heads turned to see a very tired looking Applejack stumble her way to the stage. "Hi, Mayor!" greeted Applejack as she reached the podium. She grabbed the Mayor's face and kissed her. She broke the kiss and said, "It's always good to see ya." She stumbled over to the trophy and said, "Thanks for this award thing. It's bitchin'!" She yawned and pressed her face against the trophy. "Ah'm gonna marry this thing and make little trophy babies." "I don't think that marriage is legal in this town." whispered Spike to Twilight. "It's so bright and shiny..." said a loopy Applejack. She looked at the trophy and screamed, "AHH, MONSTER!" She blinked and took a closer look. "Oh, it's just me! God, Ah look weird in this thing! It's like...like...like..." She tried to think of a word to describe her reflection. "...Aw, fuck it. Watch me everyone!" She moved her head back and forth. "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo..." Pinkie came up on stage and copied Applejack. "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!" Applejack looked over at Pinkie and said, "Whoo." Pinkie replied, "Whoo." "Whoo?" asked Applejack. "Whoo!" answered Pinkie Pie. The two mares turned back to the trophy and started moving their heads back and forth in unison. "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!" Twilight shook her head and walked up to Applejack. "Thanks for saving us from the stampede, Applejack." Applejack yawned and said, "Thanks, Rarity. Ah like helpin' folks out with their bullshit." "I'm Twilight." said Twilight Sparkle. "That's nice." yawned Applejack. She walked over the trophy and said, "Now, Ah'm just gonna take this trophy and back home. Later sluts!" She grabbed the trophy's handle and dragged it offstage. "What the hell is wrong with Applejack?" asked Twilight. "I don't know, Rarity." replied Pinkie. "I'M TWILIGHT!" yelled "Rarity".