//------------------------------// // Chapter Eleven, Trapped Inside My Mind // Story: Dancing Flames, Cooling Ember // by Tamara Bloodhoof //------------------------------// Chapter 11, Trapped Inside My Mind I could feel nothing at all, almost as if I had left my body. I felt as if I was underwater and nothing was moving around me for miles. There wasn’t light, there wasn’t darkness. Only a void, impenetrable, irascible, and unbelievable. I just lay, if you could call it that, there in the void, and it seemed as if time no longer held meaning. After what seemed like a second, but was more likely an eternity, I could hear a voice faintly, its words broken and meaningless. “……er…em....mbe…….emb…...mber……embe……” it said, the words slowly becoming more sensible. The voice sounded familiar, high and pure, the intonation sweet and clear. Where had I heard that before? Surely I could remember that, couldn’t I? “……lo……t……me……ber….” it said. It sounded as if it was asking me to do something, but I couldn’t seem to summon the strength needed to respond. I felt so tired………why? Did I do something terribly difficult? Did I pick up something heavy? Did dad and I argue again? Why did we always fight anyways? “EMBER!” shouted the voice, suddenly strong. I startled and the void around me seemed to shatter, my body falling down through the non-existence. It was like falling down, yet at the same time it wasn’t. A voice seemed to echo all around me as I fell, it’s voice low and rumbling, almost like someone I knew………CoalHeart? “Yo…..ne…..you……..ifu…….o…..use.” I could hear it say. Even with its speech being mostly unintelligible, it still brought shivers down my spine. It didn’t seem evil, yet I could feel the power it held just through those few syllables. I finally slammed into something hard; a few of my plates cracked upon impact and I could hear what sounded like the shards skittering across the ground. I tried to look at myself, but I still couldn’t see. If I was still disembodied, then how did I feel this pain? All I know is that there was warmth that was spreading from where the plates cracked. Blood……..always blood………. “Ember.” said the melodious voice, no longer broken or intermittent, but strong and clear. I tried to look at the person, but my eyes, traitorous as ever, continued to fail me. I did, however, feel something traveling along my neck and cheeks, slowly touching my eyelids. How could I feel this if I still didn’t have a body? As if it could read my mind, the voice whispered one word to me and then the feeling on my eyes disappeared. What did it mean? Should I trust it? Was there any point in not doing so? And most of all, what the fuck was going on? I calmed myself with a quick rhyme my mother taught me, corny as anything yet still worth remembering. The wounds from events seems painful today, but come the morrow the pain fades away. ‘Thank you, mom.’ I think, and then I follow the voices instructions. At first nothing happens, but little by little I can slowly open my eyes. At least, I believe I am doing so, but with only pure black around me it’s hard to tell. The voice spoke yet again, this time seemingly from behind me, and I tried to slowly turn my head. As my neck spun around a surprising picture came into view. It looked like me, but instead of scales black as night they were instead a deep purple, almost a plum in color. She (or was it I?......No, no, definitely she) sat inside an old Victorian reading chair, her legs crossed and her face smiling. “Told you so.” she said, her smile growing smug as she stared at what I must assume is my body. “Or rather I just reminded you, whichever way you take it, you still owe me.” She stood up and extended a clawed hand to me, seemingly offering to help me stand up. It seemed to take, but I slowly stood to my feet, pushing on the arm as if it was a crutch. Actually, I guess it is, nevermind. I looked at the girl standing in front of me and slowly rasped out, “Gemina……is that…..you?” She laughed so hard I’m surprised she didn’t send me flying. The merry sound bounced around the room for what seemed like forever, causing my ears to send thousands of messages to my brain, none pretty. A couple of seconds later she collected herself, and said to me, still giggling. “What do you think dimwit?” That cinched it, only Gemina would say something like that while surrounded by a void. As I slowly turned, looking around, trying to find a chink in the darkness, she kept talking. “I didn’t expect you to take that long. What happened? You get lost in your own mind or something?” I continued to study our surroundings while I answered, my voice slowly losing its new raspy quality. “Maybe. I don’t know. I met two voices in there, yours, and what sounded like CoalHeart's.” I could tell a deadpan line was coming on, and, not one to disappoint, Gemina said coolly, “Hearing voices in your head is one of the first signs of madness.” “So what does that make you?” I shot back, indulging myself in a small smile. “It makes me exactly what I sad, mad; but at least I’m not a floating pair of fangs, broken scales, and blood.” she said in a monotone. Now it makes sense. I had no body to begin with, but my mind had strict concepts of reality. I hit a floor, and in my mind hitting a floor=injuries, so I broke some scales. I know that to rip open my skin makes blood come, so I bled. I even smiled, and since I know my fangs show while I smile, I have a floating smile. If what I think influences how look, then I guess I can make create my body with my mind. I turn around and look at Gemina, drinking in every detail of her appearance, noticing every crevice of our body, every curve or quirk, and then close my eyes. It takes a few minutes, but when I open my eyes again and look down I can see what looks like a replica of Gemina, only my scales are a deep crimson; the color of blood. As I looked at the color sudden images started filling my mind, rushing in at an unnatural speed. I staggered and clutched at my head, Gemina just looking at me with pity in her eyes. “Did we…….did I do that?” I ask quietly, my voice almost inaudible. *Plip**Plip**Plip* go my teardrops as they land on the floor, the saltwater running down my face. I just stand there, crying, praying that her answer will be something other than what I expect. I do not get my wish. “…………………………..yes.” she replies, staring at me. My head slowly falls down, my eyes unable to meet hers. I know she’s telling the truth. She would joke about many things, but this was too far, even for her. I know that now, it happened before. I remember all those kids hurt, my knuckles and feet covered in their blood, me licking my hands as if they were covered in the sweetest of honeys. I had promised myself that I would never commit such an atrocity again. How could I have let myself do this yet again? Gemina slowly walked towards me and, once she reached me, gave me a hug, whispering into my ear. “It’s okay Ember. It’s okay.” I collapse. I’ve done and felt so much since I came here. I fall into Gemina’s arms and start to cry in earnest, my cheeks now slick with my tears. My father dead, dishonored by a Griffin. Me castrating Grim, the massacre, killing. Killing. No matter how bad things had gotten back home I had never thought of that, even when I had fallen into one of my rages. Even when things had reached their worst, I was still In control, still able to tell myself when to back off. I hadn’t here. Oh god, what have I done? Gemina kept stroking the back of my head, softly speaking words of hope and love. “It’s okay Keiko, it’s not the end. We did something bad, but it’s not like the world has ended. Just let it out.” After I finished crying, which had admittedly taken over half an hour, I looked at her, wiping away the rest of my tears. I hug her again and say, quietly, “Thanks big sis.” She laughs at me. “Hey, what else would I be for?" I grimaced and pushed away from her, standing on my own once again. Facing the fact that I had committed such atrocities hurt, but I had finally reached the point where we could talk about it rather than have to deal with me denying what happened. “Why did we do this…….they didn’t deserve it……..” Gemina sighs herself as she rubbed the back of her head, looking like the spitting image of Axel after he’s been caught lying. Shifting her weight from foot to foot she responds, “No they didn’t. They did deserve to be beaten, but death was a little too far, and what we did was absolutely way too fucking far.” I half laugh half sob out my next words. “I killed one of them with a French kiss……” Gemina chuckled, smiling slightly. “Guess you did. I did always say that you’d be giving a dog your first kiss.” Gemina said, leaning over, her face inches from my own. “Shut up, you know you didn’t mean that kind of dog.” She leaned back and shrugged, her face breaking into a sly smile. “Just because it’s not the version I meant doesn’t mean that I’m wrong now does it?” “I suppose not…………….” I say, my voice slowly trailing away to nothing. ‘But why are we even talking about this? Shouldn’t we be talking about what just happened.’ “I can already tell what you want to say.” Gemina sighs, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes at me. My eyes shoot up and lock onto hers. ‘Wha…bu..hu…ho….how!?’ I splutter internally. My face must be comical because Gemina’s literally groaning at me. “Okay, now you’re just being stupid. I mean really, how do I know? Is it that difficult to just answer it yourself?” she groans, pulling a claw out and face-clawing. “Just think back to the last sixteen years and you’ll remember exactly how. I sat there for a few seconds and then started spinning on the spot looking around me. ‘Hello there everyone.’ I thought, and suddenly a horde of mouths appeared in the void, all of them speaking, “Hello there everyone.” in time with my thoughts. I swallowed the knot quickly forming inside my throat and turned to Gemina. “Is this…..my……” “Mind? Yep, it is.” Gemina said, looking at the mouths that still adorned the void. “Been here for a while this time around. As you called it many times before, this is the ‘dreamscape’.” “Dream….scape?” “Hey, don’t ask me, you’re the one who named this thing.” “Is it always this……dark?” I asked, my voice shaking. “Excluding the millions of mouths that is?” “Oh yeah.” I mutter, and, picturing the mouths slowly closing into black slits, the many orifices closed and vanished from sight. “That’s better, and nah, it’s just this time around. Well, it was also this dark about ten years ago, but that’s another story.” Gemina responded. “Can you guess why it’s so dark?” “I……I…….think………I don’t know.” I said, stuttering. “Okay, one hint, it was also this dark when you fought the kids.” “Does…….it signify…….defeat?” I queried. “You’re partially right about that. This actually signifies you believing that you can no longer fight back the darkness in your heart. Last few times I’ve come the darkness has only filled a small part of this area.” “So I’ve given up hope?” “No, you’ve stopped believing.” My head cocked sideways, my mouth slightly ajar. “How is that any different?” Gemina started stroking her chin and looked towards the (sky?). After a minute of pondering, she responded, “Well, it’s like this. Hope is irrational, usually going against all sense. Believing is a conscious choice. Therefore, you’ve decided to stop believing you can fight, but you still hope that you can. Got it memorized?" Gemina said, tapping her head with her right index finger. After staring at me for a few seconds she exclaimed, "What?” My head jerked upright, my mouth snapping shut. I had zoned out for a second, my brain refusing to believe that Gemina could actually come up with something so philosophical. “Ember, stop thinking or learn to not be such a blabbermouth please.” Gemina deadpanned. ‘Right, right, she can hear m…’ “Still can Keiko.” ‘Shut it for a second will you!’ “And now you’re screaming at me with your mind. Are you sure you’re not insane?” ‘You’re insufferable.’ “You’re just jealous.” ‘Of what?’ “Of everything.” Gemina said, doing a little pirouette. ‘I swear, if you’re going on about that whole idea that if you were the one with the body you’d have had bigger boobs than me, I’m going to smack you.’ “Oooooooo, kinky!” Gemina said, bending over, her claws furled in fists at her hips, wiggling her bum provocatively. ‘GEMINA!’ “Feeling better now?” Gemina said, her face already broken into a smile yet again. ‘Bwah?’ Gemina started to burst out laughing, her claws clutching her sides. I just looked at her, my face still a picture of puzzlement, and Gemina lost it. She fell down and started to roll on the ground, tears streaming down her face. “What’s so funny!” I shouted, finally finding my voice again. “Dear lord…….you’re…….so easy….to……….mess with!” she gasped. “What?” She finally seemed to be giggled out, as she flopped out, her body spread eagled on the ground. “Are you feeling better.” she said, her voice raspy. “How?” “Are you less pained now?” she asked. “How am I pained?” I said. I had started to feel absolutely confused by her queries a while ago. Did she only talk in riddles when I had a question for her? Gemina rolled her eyes and looked straight at me. “Fine then, cut to the chase, are you feeling better about killing the dogs?” I shuddered, the room suddenly feeling cold. “No………but that’s going to be the answer even in a couple of years. I have to get over it, even if I don’t like it.” Suddenly the void shifted, the place now being filled with stars. Each one glowed crimson, making it look like I was surrounded by millions of floating blood droplets. My feet suddenly had no purchase on what had been the floor, but I wasn’t falling, rather, I was floating. Gemina did a flip, her body going through what had been the floor seconds before, slowly revolving upright. “You’re believing again?” she asked, what would have been her right eyebrow raised slightly. “Yes. I know I have no good reason to do so, but I do.” I said, conviction running through every syllable I said. “Then it’s time to wake up.” Gemina said. As she spoke my vision quickly faded to black, the world around me sinking into waves of darkness yet again.