Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
The Return of Harmony, Part 2
Dear Princess Celestia,
Um...okay, maybe, maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I mean, I don't know where it all went wrong. My friends were so much better once Discord messed with their heads or whatever. Rarity kept on trying to keep the others away from her rock...I mean, her 'gem', while Fluttershy kept poking at it, and for some reason, Applejack was trying to hump it. But, as amusing as it was at first, it began to get a little annoying. Especially with Discord laughing in all our faces. I suppose somewhere in this mess is the lesson of being careful what you wish for. On the way back to Ponyville, Discord decided he wanted to see Ponies on Ice, and turned the dirt roads into soap. Fluttershy even began abusing Fax Machine when we all went back to the library. It would've been funny, but then Rarity forced me to break the front door with 'Tom', seriously, she's named the damn thing now, and Fluttershy then slammed the empty mop bucket down on my head. Needless to say, I was starting to get a little pissed. So I whipped out the Elements of Harmony to undo the chaos I had unleashed. Rainbow was nowhere to be seen, so I decided to see if Fax Machine could finally make himself useful for once. Discord was all like 'come at me bro', and for good reason, because our attempt was pretty useless. But I don't know why! When we used them to battle Nightmare Moon, I found these friends of mine just as annoying! What's different?
Then, something happened. Something terrible. When everypony went their separate ways, something inside snapped. I felt...regret. Loneliness. I actually felt SORRY for how I had treated everypony! What the hell is up with that?!? That's not who I am! So I go back up to the library, hoping I wasn't turning over a new leaf, and found Fax Machine regurgitating all the letters I sent to you, which can mean only one thing.
You haven't gotten a SINGLE one of these letters! He's been keeping them inside his fat ass for all these months! So essentially, I've been here for no fucking reason at all! But then, I began to read them, and again realized what I had come here for. I wanted to come here and show Ponyville how much better I was than all of them. I came here to help them live a better life through my vastly superior knowledge, to point out their flaws and turn them into new ponies. I needed my friends back to the way they were, so I can feel like myself again!
First I went to get Applejack, then me and her went and bonded with Fluttershy. Okay, okay, we tried to have a bondage session with Fluttershy. Then we finally convinced Rarity to break up with Tom. I mean, the relationship was going nowhere. We're not quite sure what happened to Pinkie, but we found her in a wagon, laughing her ass off, so we just went along with it. Last but not least was the cheating whore. After Fluttershy asked very politely for permission to rape her, we eventually caught up to her, tied her down, and restored her memories. What, you were expecting me to go somewhere else with that?
So we found Discord lobbing chocolate milk grenades, and we at last were able to clean up my mess. We gave Discord a hard-on that will, quite frankly, last forever. So you can have him back. So then you decided to throw this huge celebration for us in the throne room. I mean, damn, you'd have thought we blew up the moon or something.
Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S.
Hey Princess, I know that with the letters you returned, you were just trying to show Twilight just how much of a bitch she is, and try to change her behavior, but I have to say, it didn't really work. She thought I had kept them all along, and you didn't get a single one. So I'd say it's probably safer to let her live in her own little fantasy world, treat her friends badly and let them deal with her. I mean, why should we get involved? I'm a dragon and you're an alicorn. She's gonna die long before we do, either of natural causes or because one of her friends finally decided to shut her the fuck up. So just let her do her thing. It'll be much easier for us that way. -Spike