Well, nothing in Ponyville stays the same.
Given that Twilight is now officially the "Princess of Friendship" in the same vein as Cadance being the Princess of Love, she's decided that the time has come for her to open up an official School of Friendship to teach friendship.
I mean, she'd probably get similar successes by teaching a few classes a week at the local high school's gym, but what do I know? I'm not royalty. Still, in my experience, ninety percent of friendship can be boiled down to "don't be a dick, and actually care about the other person." Though upon reflection, some people would need classes to teach them that.
In any case, the two things that had caused a big stir around the local watering hole was that creatures from all over the world would be coming to learn at her school. Not just ponies, but griffins, yaks, storm creatures, a species called seaponies that the public was made aware of after the whole kerfuffle with the Storm King, and, oddly enough, changelings.
Yeah, they were reformed now. Or most of them. The freemind ones were. Something something something friendship mission with Twilight and her buddies, something something something changeling colony, something something something reformed to, shall we say... mixed visual results.
But Cheerilee and I were just sort of doing our thing around Ponyville, so we didn't get involved with any of that. Wouldn't have even if they asked.
The other big thing was that teachers from all around would be coming to Ponyville, and that included locally. Twilight had offered Cheerilee a post, with a promise of increased pay, but she politely turned her down, stating that she liked where she was. Others like Comet's debate teacher Ms. Cozy Glow had hopped on immediately.
So yes, our little town was becoming not so little anymore. It had majorly expanded in the last year or two to accommodate Twilight's evil plans. She still worked super hard to make sure that Ponyville kept its quaint small town aesthetic, but the fact remained that the population had doubled in the last two years.
But for now, it was still near the end of summer break, meaning Comet had a couple of weeks before she had to go back for her senior year of college.
When did my little filly grow up so much?
Ugh.
In any case, the day had just started, and that meant breakfast for the four of us, plus Blizzard, who spent a fair portion of any school breaks down here in Ponyville.
I was just waiting for him to ask permission to propose.
"So, any fun plans for the last few days of freedom before going back?" I ask Comet as she finishes her eggs up.
She shrugs. "Eh. You know. Just hanging out. I'll probably go to Twilight's school's grand opening just to see what all of the fuss is about. I've heard that she'll talk with anypony who will listen about how top-of-the-line her school is. Seems kind of big-headed to me."
I shrug and push my empty plate aside. "Eh, if it was somebody other than Twilight I can see how you'd make that argument, but as someone who has known her for twenty-six years, I can confidently say that she's just excited about all of it."
"Yeah, yeah," Comet replies, waving her hoof. "It's just how many times can you hear her preen about the movie theater and top-of-the-line-no-expense-spared dormitories?"
"To be fair, they sound better than our resident halls," Blizzard points out. "I mean, I might have missed it, but I don't recall my room having its own radio, nor do I recall the front desk having a film projector to rent for the night."
"Well a few donations from me could fix that," I muse.
Comet rolls her eyes at that. "Yeah, sure, Dad. You'd donate ten thousand bits, and they'd definitely use it for film projectors and not some other thing. You know how colleges work, right? You'd be better off just donating for a new wing in the science hall."
I shrug. "Could do that, though I think you'd die of embarrassment if you had to have a class in 'Powell Hall' a few times a year."
Comet smirks and bumps my arm. "You know me so well."
"I do have to admit that it is impressive," Cheerilee says as she finishes her own eggs. "Twilight gave me a tour of the place a few days ago to butter me up for the job offer. I think she's trying to make it like Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, but I've never been there, so I can't be completely sure about that."
"It would make sense," I say. "Even after three years or so of being a princess herself, she can't quite get over her hero worship of Celestia. At least she's not trying to make the interior of her castle as ornate as Celestia's."
"Not sure how she could," Comet replies, taking another slice of toast for herself. "I mean, Celestia has a big castle and Twilight has a sparkly tree. Literally. And she also still wants to use it as a library."
"Though I did hear that she wants to make a bunch of copies of the books in her library for her school's," Blizzard chimes in. "I can't imagine that will be a small cost."
"Eh, she can afford it with Canterlot's treasury behind her." I decide that Comet's toast looks good, so I grab a slice for myself. "Either way, she's really putting her all into this." I glance over at Cheerilee. "Hey, did your boss tell you that you're getting any new students in your class from the other families moving to Ponyville?"
"Not of the other races, no," Cheerilee replies. "A big influx of other ponies, though. Not enough that it's a huge overload for me, but still enough that I've needed to work a little bit harder to keep up." She sighed and rubbed her temple. "And it's not like I'm getting any younger either."
"Bah, you're not that old; early middle aged for a pony. Me on the other hand..."
"Oh you two," Comet chimes in with a roll of her eyes.
"Well, even though we get older by the second, I offered to help Twilight finalize some things around the school," I say as I stand up to start putting dishes in the sink for washing. "I may be a fabulously wealthy author, but I still find it worth it to work with my hands every now and again, and Twilight said that she'd need a few hooves, or hands in this case, to finish getting the classrooms ready. I don't think there's much left for us to do. It's more details at this point." I walk over to the nearby hallway closet and get my tool kit out. Feel free to join."
"I probably will in a few hours," Cheerilee says. "I need to finalize some lesson plans for the beginning of the year."
"Yeah, and Bliz and I are gonna spend a little time together. Watch a movie, or something like that," Comet says.
I shrug. "Suit yourself. Blizzard, just make sure you two aren't so loud that you're bothering Cheers, and use protection."
Blizzard "eeps" in a way that reminds me of Fluttershy and goes beet red while Comet sighs and rolls her eyes. "Luna dammit, Dad," she grumbles.
"N-no, Comet and I... we don't... I mean... I just..." Blizzard gives Comet a helpless look. "Comet, tell your dad... I mean..."
"He's joking, Bliz," Comet says, shooting me a brief glare and patting Blizzard on the head.
Too easy.
I sling my tool kit over my shoulder and head on out toward Twilight's school. The increase in the town's population meant an increase in the size of the town's market, and the din from the vendors and shoppers reminds me that we need to go shopping in the next few days here. We're running low on a few things, and it would be good to make a nice dinner for Comet and Blizzard before they head off to that final year of college.
Or, at least, their final year of undergrad. Both of them are going for their masters degrees, then probably their doctorates. I quietly sigh to myself. How did the small, snarky profane filly we met in that Canterlot orphanage become a grown mare going for her masters, then doctorate?
I mean, she's still super snarky and occasionally profane, but the point stands.
In any case, Twilight's school is one of the larger buildings of Ponyville, so it's easy to spot at a distance. As I get closer, I see lots of craftsponies and builders and scores of others that Twilight has hired to make every dream about her school come true. I do have to admit that it's kind of impressive. I never would have imagined that Ponyville would become this back when I first arrived in Equestria.
But that was almost thirty years ago, so what did I expect?
I enter the school and see Twilight standing in the main hall next to a builder. The two of them are looking over some blueprints.
"Okay, so you've finished up the science room and nine of the twelve study rooms," Twilight says to the pony.
The builder nods. "Yeah, w'r almost done with tha book room 'n stuff. Jos' gotta put the desks and whatnot in the last three rooms and do some finishin' up with tha shitters, then we'll be pretty set. Should only take a few more hours."
An almost imperceptible grimace crosses Twilight's face as she jots a few things down. "Right. Study halls and... bathrooms. Let me know when you've gotten those done, and I'll give you your next assignments." The pony salutes and flies off. Twilight rolls her eyes and mutters something about decorum before looking over at me and smiling. "Oh, hello, TD. Glad you could make it."
"Well, the more help you have, the sooner we can get this school open." I take my took kit off of my shoulder and look around. "What's a good place for me to start. I warn you that I'm not going to do any work on shitters."
Twilight groans and rubs her temple. "I know I tell ponies that I want to be treated like a normal pony, but I still like to think that I'm polite company." She shakes her head and waves her hoof. "Anyway, the kindness class still needs to have its desks set up, so that's probably one of the biggest things that I don't have somepony assigned to."
"Well, if that's the biggest one left, you are almost done here."
Twilight smiles again and looks around the room with a happy sigh. "I knew that this was going to be a big undertaking when I proposed it to Princess Celestia, but it's still turning out better than I imagined! Every idea that I had about building the school has come true and then some, and that's not even counting that we have children from other races coming here! That's the best part."
"That is an impressive achievement," I agree. "I'm looking forward to seeing what it looks like when it gets in full swing."
"Me too. With the progress that we've been making, we should be ahead of schedule for the opening next week," Twilight says. "I've had ponies double and triple checking the dorms, and we've gotten all of the RAs hired, so if nothing else we're ready for residents to start moving in this weekend."
"Cool cool. Well then, I'll start making some desks, then. I'll let you know when I'm done."
"Sounds great! Thank you so much, TD. It really does mean a lot to me," Twilight says.
"Not a problem."
I head in the direction where I'm pretty sure the kindness classroom is, and find it on my first try. Ha, I guess my memory isn't that bad yet. I open the door and see a giant pile of unmade desks on the floor. They're all wrapped in plastic, so they have all of the pieces together. I grab one and find an empty spot on the floor before opening up my tool kit and selecting the correct screwdriver.
"Ah, good morning, Mr. Powell," a voice from my left says. I look over and see Cozy Glow sitting at the teacher's desk doing some paperwork. I nod in her direction.
"Cozy. Good morning to you as well. Getting ready for next week?"
Cozy grins and vigorously nods, causing her Shirley Temple curls to bounce. "Oh, definitely. I'm super duper glad that Princess Twilight hired me for her school. I'm so excited!"
"I'll bet. Whatcha working on there?"
Cozy's grin somehow widens. "Right now I'm reviewing some lesson plans. I was thinking of starting off with how you can still have a kind, respectful debate when you agree with your friend that doesn't devolve into something that makes you strain your friendship."
"That would be a good lesson to learn," I reply as I finish screwing the legs onto the desk I'm working on.
"I know! Princess Twilight was really happy with that idea, too. It should tie in nicely with some lesson plans about honesty. It has to be a balance between giving your opinion about some issue without being mean about it."
"Sounds good."
"Gosh, yeah, I think so too. It's too bad that Comet is a little old to enroll in the school. I think she'd like it here."
I shrug. "Yeah, but hey, if Twilight installs a medical wing to the school that maybe her and Blizzard can get jobs here." Which, even if Twilight would do that, and it's highly doubtful, Comet and Blizzard will probably stay in Canterlot or some other large city, which is unfortunate. It would be kind of nice to have Comet working at Ponyville General so that she'd be close, but if she's happy...
"Maybe she will," Cozy replies. "If there's one thing I've learned about this place in my time being here, it's that if you truly tap into everything that it has to offer, you come out a much... stronger pony. Opportunities open up. I mean, we're close to the Tree of Harmony itself, so the very ground is magical."
"Yeah, I am curious hear how graduating from this school helps with things like job applications and stuff like that," I say. "I have to imagine that it'll be a fantastic thing to have on your resume, just like Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns."
"Golly, it'll be awesome to see the full potential of this school come out," Cozy agrees. "Leadership roles, unification, diplomacy... there are all kinds of things one could do."
"True that."
I keep working at the desks, chatting with Cozy for a little bit more before she needs to give more focus on what she's doing. It's late afternoon by the time I finish putting the desks together and arranging them. Cozy is still working on her lesson plans, so I leave her to that. I find Twilight, who gives me a few more odd jobs to do. I work until about eight before calling it a day and heading home, graciously accepting the praise and thanks from Twilight.
Cheerilee, Comet and Blizzard are just finishing up dinner by the time I get back home. There's enough left that I grab a plate for myself and finish the food that Cheerilee made. We swap stories about what we've been up to all day, which is always nice. Cheerilee finished her lesson plans, Comet and Blizzard had a relaxing day, and I'll probably head back to Twilight's school the next day to help some more. So far, everything seems pretty chill.
* * * *
The day arrives for the grand opening of Twilight's school. It's a few days before Ponyville and Canterlot U's normal opening school days, so Cheerilee is able to be there, as are Comet and Blizzard. Oswald is off regenerating, otherwise he'd be there, too. Hundreds of creatures of every race flood into the school, parents, students, and even random ponies who just want to see what all of this hard work has created. Of course, Luna and Celestia are there, as is Discord of all people. I'm going to gather that Fluttershy had something to do with that. I'm also going to gather that he's going to be on his best behavior as a result.
We all file into the main hall that will serve as a dining room and meeting hall as needed. Right now it's filled with chairs of various sizes to accommodate the sizes of the various creatures attending the opening ceremonies. There's a long table at the far end of the hall where Twilight and the other staff of the school are sitting. Kind of reminds me of the teacher's dining table at Hogwarts, actually. Twilight is chatting happily with, of all ponies, Starlight Glimmer, who has taken a role as the school's guidance councilor of all things. Something about a unique perspective since she used to be evil, or something like that. Eh, it was Twilight's school.
"If the crowd here is any indication, Twilight's school is going to be pretty successful," I say to Cheerilee.
"Definitely," she replies with a nod. "I can definitely tell that she had quite the budget to work with."
"That's for sure." I look over to Comet, who's leaning her head on Blizzard's shoulder. "What do you think, Comet? You think like this is a good place for Blizzard and my little filly to get your Masters degrees?"
Comet raises her head just enough to give me a sideways glance. "Dad, I'm twenty-two. I'm not a little filly anymore."
"He knows that," Cheerilee says, smirking and poking my side. "Besides, I don't think this place has a Masters program."
"If it did, then what?" Blizzard chimes in. "A Masters degree in Friendship Studies? Not to bash everything that Twilight has done, but that seems like kind of a useless degree."
"Maybe, but I've heard that the classes focused on honesty and kindness and whatever are first year things. They get tied into other subjects as the students take more advanced classes," I say.
We keep chatting on like that for a few more minutes before Twilight loudly clears her throat and stands up. The quiet chatter of the hall slowly dies down as everybody gives Twilight their attention. Twilight's smile becomes slightly more strained now that she has a few hundred pairs of eyes trained on her. She still has a few things to work on when it comes to being perfectly comfortable with public speaking.
"Hello everycreature," she begins. "As you all know, my name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, and this is my friendship school. Uh..." She glances over to Celestia, who gives her an encouraging smile and nod. She returns it with a small smile of her own before turning back to the group. "If there's one thing I've learned in my time here in Ponyville it's that friendship is magic. Without friendship, my friends and I wouldn't have overcome..." She glances over at Luna and Discord. "Uh... several things that have come our way."
Luna facehooves while Discord blows her a raspberry.
"Ehe. Anyway, as the Princess of Friendship, it's my responsibility to share that magic with the world!" she continues. "With the bonds of friendship that we can forge both in and out of this school, we can connect and bring harmony to this world like we've never seen before! Historic relationships can be created between our nations the likes of which we couldn't have dreamed possible!"
I have to admit, when Twilight really gets passionate about a subject, she can really get going. Her little speech is kind of getting all of us pumped a bit. Maybe if we're all friends then I won't have to fight all of these threats. If we're all friends, hopefully there won't be more scheming griffin emperors and minotaur warlords that I have to fight anymore. I mean, it's been over twenty years since I've had to deal with that stuff, but the point stands. As much as I've joked about all of this, maybe Twilight's school could actually make a big difference!
Although...
I lean in close to Cheerilee. "Uh... why is Cozy Glow... glowing?"
Cheerilee frowns and shakes her head. "I don't know. Do you think something is wrong?"
Cozy's evil smile keeps widening, and something underneath the cloak that she's inexplicably wearing is starting to shine brightly enough that her whole body is glowing. I'm not the only person who's noticing it either. I can hear several other uneasy mutters around me, but Twilight isn't noticing. She's really into her speech. Celestia and Luna have noticed, though. They're both standing up, which is what breaks Twilight's momentum. She frowns, then looks back at Cozy, her eyes widening.
Is it too late to go home and not deal with this like that one time a few years ago?
Cozy chuckles and begins clapping before slowly standing up. "Oh, what wonderful sentiments, Twilight. I can see why you were chosen for your role."
Twilight tilts hear head. "Uh... Professor Cozy? What... what are you doing?" She takes a half step back and slowly morphs in what could become a combat stance.
"Why, I'm merely tapping into the full potential of the magic of friendship, Your Highness," she says, almost spitting out the last two words. "What I've never understood about you and the other alicorns is that you never take it far enough! You could have the powers to rule like gods over the entire world, and you just throw it away! Do you think the Storm King would have invaded if you tapped into the full potential of the power you can wield! Everycreature would do what you want, nobody would rise up, everything would be perfect, and you'd be at the top of the food chain!"
Twilight's look of confusion hardens into a glare, and she lights her horn while Celestia and Luna do the same. "Cozy, ruling like that isn't power, it's madness! I won't let you--"
Cozy lets out an evil maniac laugh and waves her hoof, causing the magic of the three alicorns to wink out. "Let me? How could you stop me?!" With another wave of her hoof, she freezes Celestia, Luna, Twilight, Discord, Starlight and the other Elements in place and wraps a band of magic around the horns. Celestia's eyes widen as each attempt at magic instantly winks out.
"H-how?!" she wheezes.
"With this!" She tears off her cape, revealing a strange necklace that I don't recognize. It has several small gems around it, which glow with bright white lights that occasionally swirled with red. "I got the idea from Starlight's stupid fake stick. She said that it was one of Mage Meadowbrook's enchanted items. When I heard about the other eight real ones, I began searching for this."
Twilight's eyes widen. "Cozy, that's the Necklace of Absorption! It's Mage Meadowbrook's least talked about artifact for a reason! The magical overload could kill you! You don't know what you're dealing with!"
"Oh, but I do," Cozy says, wrapping a band of magic around Twilight's muzzle, as well as those of the other Elements when they tried to come to Twilight's defense. "I'm well aware of the risks involved."
Oh, fun. One of those "I got this powerful thing that has risks but it's okay because I know the risks" kind of morons. Well, hopefully this didn't end with all of us dying a horrible death.
"I've been searching for this for years," Cozy chuckles, poking Discord's forehead as he desperately tried to struggle out of the magic Cozy had trapped him into. "Any hint, any whisper, and I was there. Finally, I found it in the Storm Kingdom of all places. This thing has had quite the journey, let me tell you, but now it's back in Equestria. My Equestria!"
With that, the necklace glows so brightly that I almost needed to shield my eyes. Cozy turns on Celestia and begins draining the magic out of her. Celestia cries out in pain as more and more magic is sucked out of her, only able to wriggle her head. Luna cries out in rage, but Cozy wraps her muzzle in magic. Finally Celestia goes limp, and Cozy removes the magic around her. Celestia wobbles for a moment before collapsing on the ground.
Cozy chuckles and puts her hoof on Celestia's head. "So what was more embarrassing for you, Celestia, that or Chrysalis?"
I'm not sure who snaps out of shock first, but I hear a cry of panic behind me, and that was all it takes for most of the creatures in the room to storm toward any exit that they could find. Cozy giggles and waves her hoof again. Just as the first creatures reach the doors, they begin vanishing as the walls around them covered every possible exit, including the windows. There's was no way out. Cheerilee whimpers and wraps her forelegs around me, while Comet clamps onto Blizzard.
"For fuck's sake, I never would have pegged Miss Cozy Glow as a bigger psycho bitch than my Ponish Four teacher," Comet says.
Cozy's ears perk up slightly, and she whips her head around to see who spoke. Her eyes land on Comet, and a nasty grin crosses her face as she flies up to us. "Ah, Miss Screech. So glad to see you here. You were always one of my favorite students." Blizzard shoots up and gets between her and Comet, flaring his wings out. "Oh, how adorable. The brave coltfriend to the rescue!" Cozy cackles. "While chivalrous, it's useless, Snow Cone. You might as well step aside. I promise I won't hurt her too much for her insolence."
"Bring it on," Blizzard growls, baring his fangs at her.
Cozy shrugs. "Hm. Well, if you insist. Somepony get a mop. We're going to see if he's albino on the inside, too. So sorry, Miss Screech, but there are other, smarter birds in the air."
Comet shrieks and tries to stand up, but I'm just a hair faster. Given that she's not focused on me at all, I manage to grab her by the throat. Her eyes widen and her hoof begins to glow, but she can't get the spell off before I transform my arm into an eagle claw and slash her across the throat. She fires her spell off, and I'm blasted onto the ground as everything around me goes white and I just hear ringing. My eyesight returns after a quick moment, and shoot to my feet.
Cozy, for her part, is holding onto her throat, trying to stem the bleeding, but I've cut her deep, and blood is pouring out of her throat quickly enough that I know she's not going to last too long. Unfortunately, the necklace glows brightly, and seems to cauterize the wound I've made. Of course.
Even with the hole closed, the amount of blood around her tells me that I hit something important. Maybe not enough to completely sever the artery, but nick it at least. Cozy wobbles on her hooves, no doubt lightheaded from the blood lost.
"What the shit?!" she gurgles, rubbing her throat. She's dazed enough that she forgets that I'm not out of the fight. I capitalize on her mistake and tackle her, grabbing her mane and slamming her head on the floor as we fall. I raise my eagle claw again and slash her throat again, putting as much force into the blow as I can. She tries to scream, but it just comes out as a bloody gurgle. I hit her again. Then again. As I raise my arm for a fourth slice, I realize that she's not even twitching. I lower my arm and examine my handiwork. Yeah, I don't need to get a degree like Comet's to figure out that she's dead.
After a few moments, the necklace glows again, and magic begins flying out of it, much of it dissipating into the air, but much of it flowing back to Celestia. The walls and windows reappear, and the main characters that Cozy trapped are freed. Even once that's finished, everybody just stares silently at me. I vaguely consider that Twilight might need to hire some more therapists for her school, if it's even going to open now. It's Cheerilee who breaks the silence.
"Your ear."
I slowly raise my hand up to my left ear and flinch back not just from the pain, but the fact that I can only feel about half of it. The pain on my face tells me that she probably got some of that too. I take a deep breath and say the only appropriate thing.
"Fucking. Hell."
Okay, so maybe not appropriate, but certainly the only thing that I can think of. I bare my teeth and slowly push myself to my feet. "Cheerilee... Comet... why precisely does this keep happening to me?" I squeeze my eyes shut and pinch my temples. "I don't want any of this shit, but it keeps happening to me all the same." I glare at nothing in particular, and my voice begins rising. "Minotaur warlords, griffin emperors, Chrysalis, Tirek, and now this fucking bitch! Why?! Can't I just have a normal life?!"
"If you want one of those, I think we have to move," Comet mutters behind me.
"Quiet life! Quiet. Life!" I roar, ignoring her little comment. "None of this bad magical shit that I have to deal with every few years! Why do I have to deal with a lot of this stuff! TD wants to be left alone but noooooo we can't have that! He's going to be a magnet for everything that could be out there! Well fuck it, then! Let it all happen! All hail TD, the one who deals with a lot of Equestria's shit! Hallelujah! I..." I growl and begin stomping toward the door. "I'm going to go get cleaned off."
Nobody stops me as I slam the doors open and stomp off in the direction of the bathroom. "Seriously, why?" I growl. "And the weirdest person, too. 'Oh, hello Miss Cozy Glow. How is Comet doing? Great? Oh, it's wonderful to hear that. Yes we are very proud of her. She's worked very heard. Yes, that is wonderful. Also, funny story, in a few years you'll try to take over Equestria with a magical artifact, and to protect Comet and her future boyfriend I'll turn my hand into a claw and just about decapitate you! Ha ha. Yes, I told you it was a funny story. See you then.'"
I pull the bathroom door open and groan as I turn the sink on. There's... a lot of blood. Thankfully I'm not particularly attached to this particular set of clothes, because there is no salvaging them. The water runs red as I scrub my hands, pausing every few seconds to squeeze more soap into my hands. Ugh. Maybe I should have gone to one of the showers. I seem to have gotten six gallons of Cozy Glow's blood all over me. I should probably take my shirt off and at least wring it out so that I drip less blood all over the place. Yeah, it's still probably a good idea to hit one of the showers.
"Hello, Mister Powell!"
I cry out in shock and whirl around to see Twilight standing behind me with a fond grin on her face. I'm about to ask her what the bloody hell she's doing when I notice that she's shimmering, and her smile just... doesn't quite look right. Great. Juuuust great. Some magical something or whatever.
"The hell are you supposed to be?"
"I am a manifestation of the Tree of Harmony, here to discuss the recent events."
"I'll pick my own therapist, thanks, though I don't know of one who would even have an inkling of where to begin with me."
Tree Twilight giggles and shakes her head. "No, no, Mr. Powell. I'm referring to your service to Equestria. You've done a great thing."
I sigh and start looking for paper towels. Unfortunately there aren't any, so the only thing to wipe my hands off on is my bloody shirt. Great.
"Yeah, yeah," I grumble. "Fill out a comment card and I'll get to it in a few months or whatever."
Tree Twilight giggles again. I don't like it. It doesn't sound right. "Mr. Powell, what you have done for Equestria both today and in the past shows the content of your character. Your actions today were the final piece of the puzzle. You saved all of Equestria."
I sigh. "What puzzle exactly?"
"Why, you were saying it yourself mere minutes ago! You expressed your newfound willingness to fulfill your destiny as Equestria's protector."
It had really not be going where I think it's going. "I was being sarcas--
"The time has come to fulfill your destiny, Mr. Powell!" it says, unfurling its wings as epic music begins playing in the background. "You are ready to ascend to alicornhood to rule at the side of the others as the Prince Protector! You will spend your days protecting Equestria from its many threats, ruling justly and being beloved by all!"
I...
Uh...
Well... that was... news to me. I close my eyes, take a long, deep breath, open them again, then give it the only correct response.
"Fuck. That."
With that, I walk out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.