//------------------------------// // Sherwood Forest // Story: Cinematic Adventures: Shrek // by extremeenigma02 //------------------------------// The rays of the morning sun shined upon the cliff side as Princess Fiona finally emerged from the cave she inhabited the night before. Walking out of that very cave, the princess glanced toward the entire group who were still sleeping. Deciding to let them sleep in, she wandered off into the woods (a la Maria in ‘The Sound of Music’). She made her way Snow White-like through the forest, marveling at the nature that surrounded her and began to sing. During the song, a blue bird flew toward a nearby branch to join in her song. The bluebird proceeded to whistle about, as the princess smiled and waltzed over belting ‘Hooray’ at a higher note. As the princess hit higher and higher notes, the bird twitted back struggling to not only keep up with her but mimicked her tune. Every challenging note, the bird strained to tweet higher. So overjoyed, Fiona sang louder and higher, holding that last horrible note. The bird trembled, its eyes bulged, it started to shake and convulse, while Fiona held her note… *POP!* The bird exploded in little blue feathers, nothing but its little legs perched upon the branch. Fiona was startled at first, eyeing guiltily toward the eggs the bird left behind in the nest. But then she shrugged and carefully picked up the three eggs, placing them in her basket. She only turned around very briefly when she noticed a deer, a buck, nibbling on some berries. She flitted over to it and sung. Fiona twirled the deer right off a cliff (‘Oops!’). Having accidentally ripped off his antlers, she ditched them off the side. Suddenly, a rat scurried past Fiona from her left toward her right (‘Huh.’). Intrigued, she spied another rat flying across (‘Hmm…’). And just then, Pinkie Pie skipped on playing a pipe flute. Eventually, she collapsed along the ground completely exhausted. “Hoo-wee… I got to lay off the sweets!” Pinkie sighed. “Why, good morning Pinkie Pie!” Fiona greeted. “Oh, good morning princess!” “What are you doing?” “I saw a bunch of rats following this Pied Piper guy a few nights ago when we first got here. I’m trying to get them to follow me, but… I can’t quite get the tune right.” “I think you may need to change your tune,” Fiona suggested, offering her hand. “May I have a try?” “Well, okay!” Pinkie replied, handing the flute. “But I should tell you it took me years and years of practice before I was able to—” But of course, Fiona played the flute expertly. Pinkie Pie watched this in disbelief as soon the forest was suddenly swarmed by a whole line of rats. Delighted, Fiona proceeded to join the dancing vermin as a big tap break took place between the princess and the rats. At one point, Pinkie Pie proceeded to put on some funky 3D film glasses and the whole world transformed around Fiona and the rats. From Pinkie’s perspective, the rats were shifted into man-sized forms in hats and coattails. Fiona danced along with them, as Pinkie Pie was taken aback. But soon, Fiona’s teaching Pinkie the correct tune, which she caught on and soon even the party pony was dancing with the rats. The Ever After High girls soon wandered on, watching all the insanity and completely agog. They stood silently as Pinkie Pie lead the rats out over the following verses… Fiona held her arms outstretched, soaking up the sun and the glorious morning as Pinkie Pie returned and put the flute deep in her mane. It was then they finally saw the stunned Ever After High girls. “Oh, why good morning, girls!” Fiona smiled. “Mornin’,” Madeline answered, slightly concerned. “Princess, did you by any chance eat a few of those funny little mushrooms by the stream?” Ashlynn asked. “Of course not,” Fiona chuckled. “I’m just happy that it’s a new day, full of promise and fresh starts!” The girls exchanged looks, then turned toward Pinkie Pie, who merely eyed the girls and just gave a sheepish shrug. “And the first thing I’d like to do is apologize for my behavior yesterday,” Fiona added, regretfully. “We obviously got off on the wrong foot, and I’d like to make it up to you.” “You would?” Apple raised her brow. “How?” Raven asked skeptically. “Well…” Fiona began nervously. <> A short while later… Fiona was now frying the bird eggs over the campfire using a rock skillet to heat them up. The Ever After High girls helped with the additional arrangements, and just as the rest of the group slowly stirred away. The smell of the food aroused their senses, the majority taking note of Fiona. Meanwhile, some muttering drew the ponies to look at Donkey, who apparently was talking in his sleep. “Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that,” Donkey spoke drowsily. “Come on, baby. I said I like it…” Everyone and every pony else eyed him strangely for a moment. “What kind of dream is he having?” Rainbow asked, quirking an eyebrow. “Quite frankly, I don’t wish to know,” Rarity answered disgusted. “You’re probably right,” Rainbow nodded. “I’ve had similar dreams about me and A.J., like this one dream… uh, never mind.” “Donkey, wake up,” Shrek shook Donkey. “Huh? What?” Donkey groaned tiredly. “Time to wake up, Donkey,” Fluttershy added gently. Donkey slowly woke up, stretching his tired limbs before finally acknowledging everything going on around him. “Good morning!” Fiona greeted kindly. “Umm… how do you like your eggs?” “Oh, good morning, Princess!” Donkey greeted happily. “What’s all this about?” Shrek asked. “Yeah, I mean no offense or anything, but yesterday you were kind of a brat,” Spike voiced his honesty. “Kind of?” Applejack chuckled. “Not the time guys!” Twilight scolded, facing Fiona. “However, I do somewhat agree, Fiona. What brought about this change?” “You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you,” Fiona responded. “I mean, after all, you did rescue me.” Fiona got up and set the eggs in front of the three boys. “Uh, thanks,” Shrek thanked awkwardly. Donkey sniffed the eggs and licked his lips. “They do look pretty tasty,” Spike admitted. “And for the rest of you,” Fiona continued. “I’ve gathered a basket of berries for the trip, and I made you each a daisy chain!” Fiona proceeded to present the ponies and Spike with their daisy chains. “Oh my, look at these!” Rarity marveled. “They’re beautiful, princess. Aren’t they beautiful, Rainbow Dash?” “Uhhh… ihhhhh…” Rainbow cringed. Rainbow Dash wasn’t alone with this scenario. Shrek was also given a daisy chain, and from the looks of his face, he wasn’t entirely sure what to do with it. “You’ll grow to love ‘em, hun,” Applejack assured. “And to make sure you don’t go hungry, we all pitched in and made blueberry pancakes,” Apple announced, presenting the dishes. “Wait… Fiona cooked ‘three’ eggs for the boys,” Twilight pointed out. “How were you able to make the pancakes?” Raven merely quirked her eye toward the alicorn princess and gestured with a hand as dark magic sprouted like an ignited flame. “Oh… right,” Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Well, eat up,” Fiona told them. “We’ve got a big day ahead of us.” Fiona walked off, seemingly in a better mood than yesterday. Everyone else couldn’t help but eye one another with confusion. “Is she on some new happy medication or something?” Raven asked. “I’m not really sure,” Apple responded. “But she’s more pleasant, that’s for sure.” “If it’s not Joy medication, maybe she really needed a good night’s sleep for once,” Pinkie smiled. “Whenever I get super sleepy, I’m a real grumpy pants and my family speaks from experience. Either that…or I wasn’t eating enough sugar. Speaking of which, I’ll definitely need some after finishing these pancakes.” “I can help with that!” Maddie piped in. Maddie picked up her little purse and proceeded to pull out an entire tea table. She then took off her tiny hat and pulled out her tea set and a series of miniature cakes and scones. She proceeded to pour two cups of tea and Pinkie happily hopped over to join her for tea.” “Seriously, how do they do stuff like that?” Spike asked. “Probably best we don’t know,” Briar responded. <> Later that day, the group departed from the cliff side and now made their way through a forest en route to Duloc. Shrek proceeded to release a large belch, much to the disgust of most of the group. “Shrek!” Donkey scolded loudly. “Honestly darling, must you be so uncouth constantly?” Rarity cringed in disgust. “What? It’s a compliment,” Shrek reasoned. “Better out than in, I always say.” This caused him to chuckle, while the others merely shook their heads. “Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess!” Donkey scolded quietly. “Much less a group of young ladies,” Ashlynn added. “I burp all the time back at school,” Cerise shrugged. “Don’t know what you guys are complaining about.” “You’re a different kind of young lady, Cerise,” Raven chuckled. All of a sudden, Fiona released a large belch of her own. The whole group stopped in their tracks, staring at her in shock. “Thanks,” Fiona smiled, before walking on. “Well… that was certainly unexpected,” Fluttershy spoke, in shock. “She’s as nasty as you are,” Donkey commented to Shrek. “And certainly not what you’d expect from a princess,” Twilight nodded. “Come on, Twi, I’m sure even Princess Celestia has her moments like this,” Rainbow protested. Twilight couldn’t even begin to imagine Princess Celestia ever doing something un-princess like. However, there was at least one moment Twilight ‘did’ remember… <> Canterlot Castle… Twilight Sparkle was invited to share dinner with Princess Celestia. Then all of a sudden, Celestia made a face prior to her last bite. “Could you please excuse me, Twilight,” Celestia spoke. Before Twilight knew it, she watched as her teacher excused herself to another room and the pupil sat wondering for what purpose. Then, all of a sudden, a massive belch echoed back toward the dining room and the ground shook beneath her hooves. <> Present time… “Like I said…” Twilight cleared her throat. “Not what you’d expect at all.” “Right…” Raven smirked, then faced Fiona. “So, Princess, do you often frolic with rats?” “Wait, what?” Fluttershy lifted her brows. “And what if I do?” Fiona replied. “Well, I don’t know how else to say it, Princess,” Apple piped in, uncertain. “You know – germ-infested vermin – not exactly what any of us expected.” “Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them,” Fiona smiled knowingly, walking off. “Huh…” Spike nodded impressed. “You know… you say that only because deep down you’re more than just that traditional fairy tale princess you’re trying to make yourself out to be.” “Definitely no Disney princess, that’s for sure,” Pinkie joked. “Alright, yuck it up,” Fiona smiled, nodding. “Doesn’t bother me. Not today. After a lifetime of misery, things are finally going my way.” “Oh, a lifetime of misery, right,” Shrek chuckled. “Okay—” But even as they continued to stroll alone, Fiona wasn’t letting the exchange go. “You chuckled,” Fiona spoke bluntly. “I’m sorry?” Twilight apologized with confusion. “Not you… him. When I said, ‘lifetime of misery’, he chuckled.” “Did I?” Shrek asked coyly. “Yes.” “Look, before we start anything, I’m sure it was very difficult living in a dragon-guarded tower,” Apple reassured. “My friends and I understand what that’s like.” “It was.” “We’re positive,” Raven added. “Alright then,” Fiona spoke, turning to go. “Although, it must’ve been nice to have a roof, and a cozy bed,” Shrek voiced his opinion. “Which is more than I had when I left home.” “You’re not actually comparing yourself to what I endured?” Fiona questioned intensely. “I’m just saying you don’t corner the market on unhappy childhoods.” “There are things you don’t know, ya know,” Fiona argued defensively. “About me. About how rough I had it!” *Stop at 3:20… please* “La liberte! HEY!” Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swung down and swooped Fiona away. “Princess!” Shrek exclaimed in shock. “What the hex was that?” Raven asked. The princess and the unknown man landed upon a limb high in the trees. The man was none other than Monsieur Hood, also known as… Robin Hood. The man in green tights himself. Fiona broke away from Hood, who’s hand was around her waist. “Oh! Wait, wait – what are you doing?!” Fiona exclaimed. “Be still, mon Cherie, for I am your savior!” Monsieur Hood boasted. “And I am rescuing you from this green…” Hood brought Fiona’s hand to his chest, then carpeted Fiona’s arms with kisses as she pulled back in disgust. “… beast.” From down below, the Ever After girls looked at each other. “Is it just me or does he remind you of Sparrow?” Ashlynn asked. “If I’m guessing correctly, he’s supposed to be this realm’s Robin Hood,” Raven replied. “So, that would make him Sparrow’s… father?” “Well, he certainly shares Sparrow’s cockiness and arrogance,” Cerise spoke truthfully. “I personally think he’s more like Daring,” Briar added. “So egotistical, so conceited, very full of himself… but still… a Charming…” Monsieur Hood’s smile was met only with annoyance from Fiona, much to his confusion. “Hey!” Shrek yelled. “That’s my princess! Go find your own!” “Please, monster!” Monsieur Hood yelled back. “Can’t you see I’m a little busy here?” Fiona gave Hood a one-handed push, jamming her finger into his chest. “Look, pal, I don’t know who you think you are!” She said angrily. “Oh! Of course!” Monsieur Hood smiled. “Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself.” He cupped his hands and called to the woods: “Oh, Merry Men!” Down below, Pinkie once more felt a rather familiar sensation. “Ooh… shaky legs!” She smiled brightly. “That’s three musical numbers in this whole chapter!” “Oh great…” Rainbow groaned. Suddenly, accordion music began to play… not from a certain party honey with the funniest haircut, but rather Friar Tuck on a swing. Out from the bushes popped the Merry Men themselves, the ‘literal’ Men in Tights. And they began to sing along with Monsieur Hood. The Merry Men jump into some form of river-dance, Irish step, dance break of sorts while Monsieur Hood poses for a rather disturbed group. Fiona, still up in the tree, looked down toward a musical sequence slowly turning dark. Her expression shifted from confusion to horror in a matter of seconds, as the Equestrians and Ever After the girls stepped in Shrek’s defense as Monsieur Hood pulled out his dagger by the final verse. *BAM!* Fiona swung down from the tree limb and kicked Monsieur Hood, sending his head colliding with a rock and knocked him unconscious. She landed with a back flip before the stunned group. “What-the-WHAT?!” Rainbow’s eyes widened. “Man, that was annoying!” Fiona sighed, agitated. But while Shrek looked on in admiration, with everyone else staring in shock, the Merry Men were furious. “Why, you little—” One of the Merry Men fired his arrow toward Fiona, who quickly ducked out of the way. The arrow, along with several others, flew past few and towards the group. Donkey leapt into Shrek’s arms to get out of the way, while the rest ducked for cover, though the arrows pierced Applejack and Maddie’s hats toward a tree. Fiona, meanwhile, displayed her martial arts skills as she barreled toward the archer. Before the Merry Man could retrieve another arrow, Fiona rammed him with a series of quick fists he could neither block nor dodge until one slam of her fist sent him flying. Another Merry Man tried to ambush from behind, only for Fiona to deliver a few back hands to the chest, then the head, and then whipped her ponytail, knocking him down. Two of the Merry Men, one of whom possibly ‘Little John’, tried to either leap forward to grab her or ram her with a quarter staff. As Fiona took to the air to counter, time seemed to stand still with everyone frozen and the forest spinning about… but soon as Fiona adjusted her hair, she sent the men back with a split kick knocking them back. Upon landing, she immediately took off as Friar Tuck pursued her, while he was still playing the accordion. Fiona ran up a tree and leapt over the Friar. She charged as the friar desperately tried to hide behind his instrument. *BAM!* Fiona’s fist broke through Tuck’s instrument and straight to face, knocking him out cold. The last of the Merry Men charged with a roar behind Fiona, but she easily defeated him with a leaping kick knocking him out. By the end, one Princess was left standing while all the Merry Men, Monsieur Hood included, were left lying flat on the ground groaning in pain. Fiona walked away, stomping on one Merry Men, as she straightened out her dress and regained her composure. “Uh, shall we?” She asked. As the princess walked away, everyone else just stared after her. Shocked, with awe plastered on their faces, for a moment they were at a loss for words. “Did… she just… kick Robin Hood and the Merry Men’s butts single-hoofedly?” Rainbow asked in disbelief. “Eeyup!” Applejack nodded, drawing her hat back. “That… was… so… AWESOME!” The shock proved to be so great, Rainbow Dash nearly fainted before Applejack caught her. “Sweet Celestia…” She sighed. “Note to self: Never get on Fiona’s bad side,” Rarity declared. “Agreed,” Pinkie nodded. “Also, I totally caught that ‘Matrix’ reference.” “What?” Rainbow questioned. “Nothing!” “What?!” Apple exclaimed in shock. “But… how?! I thought princesses we’re supposed to be damsels in distress?” “Probably should change the rulebook about fairy tales,” Raven replied. Meanwhile, Maddie plucked the arrow off the tree and regained her tiny hat, frowning at the hole on the side. “Aw… this was my favorite hat.” Sighing, Maddie drew her hand toward the inside of her hat and pulled the material from the inside out… and her hat shifted to it’s original presentation minus the hole. “Oh well, I suppose this will have to do,” Maddie smiled. “Hold the phone,” Shrek spoke bewildered. Taken aback, Shrek dropped Donkey and raced after Fiona. “Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Shrek called after her. “Hold on now. Where did that come from?” “What?” Fiona asked. “That!” Shrek emphasized. “Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?” Hearing such praise for her fighting skills, Fiona couldn’t hide the blush spreading along her face. “Well…” Fiona chuckled. “When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a… there’s an arrow in your butt!” All eyes turned as Fiona pointed downward, toward a small arrow jutting out of Shrek’s… behind. “What?” Shrek checked himself. “Oh, would you look at that?” “How are you so calm about this?!” Twilight flipped out. “Oh, no,” Fiona groaned. “This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.” Shrek lightly tugged at the arrow but stopped. Trying to pry the arrow only made him winced in pain. Eventually, Donkey caught up to the group. “Why? What’s wrong?” Donkey asked rapidly. “Now Donkey, don’t freak out,” Spike spoke slowly. “But Shrek’s… he’s hurt.” “Shrek’s hurt! Shrek’s hurt?!” Donkey, frantically, began scampering around hysterically. “Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die!” “Donkey, I’m okay,” Shrek reassured. “You can’t do this to me, Shrek,” Donkey rambled. “I’m too young for you to die! Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?!” Fiona grabbed Donkey’s head and pulled it down to her. “Donkey! Calm down!” Fiona spoke. “If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.” “Blue flower, red thorns,” Donkey memorized. “Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek.” Donkey began heading in one random direction deep into the forest but hadn’t gone very far. “And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!” “Donkey!” The group shouted. “Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns…” Donkey marched off, still chanting, until he was well out of earshot. “Girls, Spike, can you go and make sure Donkey doesn’t get himself too lost?” Fiona asked politely. “Sure, we’ll keep an eye on ‘em,” Applejack nodded. “Just one question: What’re the flowers for?” “For getting rid of Donkey.” “… Then, why would ya go an—” “OOH…” Rainbow butted in. “Yeah, we’ll totally keep Donkey busy. Let’s leave these two to their… ‘business’. Come on, every pony!” Rainbow wrapped a wing around Applejack’s shoulder and carted her away, as the rest of her friends followed suit. Once the whole group were gone, Fiona and Shrek were truly left alone. The ogre’s initial confusion slowly turned into a big grin. “Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out,” Fiona instructed. The princess reached to grab ahold of the arrow and began to pry. Shrek yelped and leapt away. “Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’!” Shrek shouted. “I’m sorry, but it has to come out.” “No, it’s tender.” They rambled back and forth as Fiona kept reaching out to grab the arrow with Shrek dodging every attempt. “Now, hold on,” Fiona groaned. “What you’re doing is the opposite of help,” Shrek warned. “Don’t move.” “Look, time out.” Shrek placed his entire hand over Fiona’s face, stopping her in her tracks. “Would you…” Fiona stopped, realizing the ridiculousness of this scenario. Patiently, she took Shrek’s hand off her face. “Okay. What do you propose we do?” <> Meanwhile, deeper in the woods, the Equestrians and Ever After girls had finally caught up with Donkey. By now, they watched as he hurriedly searched for the flower that supposedly could save their friend. They could barely keep it together due to the irony of the situation. “Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns,” Donkey chanted. “Blue flower, red thorns – this would be so much easier if I wasn’t color blind!” “Oh, then you definitely don’t want ‘that’ one,” Spike called out. “It’s a yellow flower, with red thorns.” “Oh thanks Spike, you’re a pal,” Donkey spoke. “That would’ve been a disaster. Blue flower, red thorns—” “Why’re we plum doin’ this to Donkey,” Applejack groaned. “It don’t feel right.” “Aw, come on, hun,” Rainbow teased. “No one’s actually getting hurt.” “Besides, I want to see how long he can keep this up,” Spike replied. “I can always count on you for mischief, can I Spike?” Twilight smirked. “You bet.” Suddenly, they heard a loud ‘Oww!” as Shrek yelled from far away. “Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’!” Donkey called out. Donkey ripped a flower off a nearby bush, which just happened to be the blue flower with red thorns. The entire gang took off running, following Donkey’s trail back to their friends. <> Back in the clearing, Shrek laid upon the ground assuming the facedown position. Fiona stood over him, using both hands in an effort to remove the arrow as best as she can without hurting him. “Ow! Not good,” Shrek groaned, in annoyance. “Okay,” Fiona groaned. “N—Okay. I can nearly see it… it’s just about…” Shrek cried out in pain and rolled over, knocking Fiona off her feet and caused her to land on top of him. For a moment, they stared into each other’s eyes and were seemingly lost in the moment. “Ahem.” Startled by Donkey’s interruption, the princess and the ogre looked up. The rest of the group, with the flower dropped at their feet, gave them a suggestive look. “Why Shrek, you sly ogre you!” Pinkie giggled. “Didn’t think you had it in you, big guy,” Rainbow smirked. “Nothing happened,” Shrek assured, pushing Fiona off. “We were just, uh…” “Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?” Donkey smiled mischievously. “We would completely understand,” Maddie nodded. “After all, the horntail would never ease unless you scratch its belly with a toothbrush.” Everyone looked at the deranged teenage hatter before shaking their heads and turned back toward the scene. “On, come on!” Shrek argued. “That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just—UGGGHHH!!!” Fiona quickly ripped the arrow out of Shrek’s butt with one great pull, sending the ogre groaning in pain. The Equestrians and the Ever After girls cringed at the reaction. He slowly turned toward Fiona, who playfully shook the arrow back and forth with a coy smile. “Ow!” Shrek uttered quietly. “Hey, what’s that?” Donkey chuckled nervously. “That’s… is that blood?” And Donkey fainted, falling into a pile of leaves. Shrek casually picked him up and threw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. The three, along with their allies, continued their journey toward the kingdom of Duloc. Unbeknownst to the group, hidden within the shadow of the trees, Uncle Howdy’s dark figure (Along with his shadowy cohorts) watched after them. “Oh my dearest Maddie, would they still love you… if they knew the truth?”