Twilight's hooves hit the ground in rhythmically sharp galloping, and Fluttershy pushed herself to keep up. “Twilight!” Fluttershy insisted from behind her as she struggled to flap her large wings fast enough. “Twilight, please just stop for one second!”
But Twilight wouldn’t have considered it even if she had registered Fluttershy’s aching call. She had her head tucked against the wind and her eyes set firmly on the showroom exit. All she could think about was getting to Princess Celestia. Twilight needed the princess then more than ever, and she didn't intend to stop until she could talk to her. As she slammed through the tall oak doors, they swung back and hit Fluttershy who trailed bitterly behind as quickly as she could. Fluttershy fell hard onto the ground. It was then that she ceased the chase and stayed momentarily motionless, continuing to cry. She hadn’t been able to stop since this all started.
Fluttershy was too afraid to stay in the showroom, so as soon as the initial pain from the doors wore off she scrambled through them and ran half-way to the tree that Rainbow Dash and Applejack just watched Twilight flee from. They were still staring in Twilight’s direction with frightened silence even though she was no longer visible, obscured by the distance she made between them.
When they heard Fluttershy collapse on the now empty field, they both jolted and started towards her with haste.
“Fluttershy…” Applejack’s sweet southern-fried voice sounded apologetic and sorrowful. Rainbow Dash wanted to ask what happened but didn’t know how. After her last interaction with Twilight, she had been stunned with emotions and too confused to make any decisions. After all that Twilight said, she was questioning her own values. The three ponies sat there quietly, none with any comforting thoughts to offer one another because there were none felt. They were all devastated and what made it worse was that they still had no clue what was happening. Fluttershy didn’t want to tell them what she saw in the showroom, she didn’t want to speak at all. So, she didn’t.
-
Twilight ran. She ran out of breath and kept running. It confused her when she saw that everything was just as it had been before the party. Everything was somehow exactly the same, but for Twilight everything had changed. Although everypony was locked in their homes and all of the businesses were closed in Ponyville, Twilight still felt like the world around her did not represent itself properly. The same peonies dotted patches of grass around the mailboxes on Marespring Street, the same dry hay covered the roofs of the houses she ran by, the same barrels lined the hills rolling at Applejack’s orchard. In fact, many of the apples in those barrels were just collected that morning. Spike saw those apples himself. Spike could have eaten those apples. Twilight started to feel woozy as her breathing picked up in pace and depth. It felt like she couldn’t get enough air in her lungs as she forced her gaskins to keep pushing her forward. Her muscles and joints ached.
How quickly everything was ruined. Just like that, nothing would ever be the same. The way circumstances added up to this final moment for Twilight felt like a sick joke. How could she spend all of her time protecting her friends and meticulously devoting every second to keeping everypony safe, only for this. And, she thought, she didn’t even know what happened. Twilight felt the guilt consume her. She felt useless and so lost. The abruptness of the shift she was experiencing stripped her of her own identity, and she didn't even feel like a pony as she sped through the streets. She felt like an unknowable monster. This pain was completely new to Twilight. Her new perspective was not even comparable to the way she was seeing the world that morning. Her head spun at the idea that she would never feel that way again. She felt so much regret taking it all for granted. Maybe if she just would’ve been more realistic… Maybe if she allowed herself to be just a little bit more suspicious…
Twilight collapsed. She hadn’t realized until her muzzle slid through the dirt, but she was crying. Hard. She was wailing pitifully at the top of her overworked lungs and it was burning.
No, she didn't feel like a monster. She felt like nothing. As if her destined purpose was a farce. She questioned if destiny even existed. She let go of herself and started to scream into the dirt, not caring who saw and figuring nopony would anyway. She couldn’t stop the vivid reel of Spike playing on loop in her head. Spike sleeping in a ball on the floor after a long day of running Twilight’s errands, Spike hanging onto Rarity’s every word with sparkles in his eyes, Spike staying up to read until dawn broke and rubbing his groggy eyes every few minutes in the morning, Spike hunched softly over with his gray face smushed into his own blood-ridden puke and dull crooked eyes.
Spike, dead. Spike was just a baby. Spike was poisoned by the jewels at Pinkie Pie’s party.
Twilight could tell her memories of him were not exactly as he existed in the moment, they weren't accurate. She agonized because she knew they would only get foggier. In her mind now, this fake Spike was almost tangible. In those memories, she could've spoken to him -- reached out and touched his scales at any moment... It made everything worse knowing she would never have the opportunity to replace those memories of him. She spiraled trying to grasp all of the memories and permanently bind them to her mind, but no matter what she did she felt helpless. It was like she was already forgetting… Except for the last memory she made. She feared that memory would be just as excruciating and graphic for the rest of her immortal life.
“Twilight,” A cool voice commanded. Twilight knew it was Princess Celestia before she even shocked the wailing into sudden silence. “I’ve been trying to reach you.”
“Princess, I’m sorry. I was on my way to you but I- I-” Twilight wanted to explain herself properly but she couldn’t push herself through the sentence.
“What happened, Twilight Sparkle? You haven’t been answering me and I thought you might’ve been one of the ponies who disappeared from Pinkie Pie’s party.”
“Disappeared…?”
“Yes, Twilight. Pinkie Pie herself was one of them. Were you in attendance? Is that why you’re so distraught?”
Twilight did not respond. Her chin was gently hanging and her eyes wide.
Princess Celestia tried again. “Please tell me what you saw.”
Twilight shook her head. No. The princess sat quietly for a moment, feeling uneasy about the trembling, disheveled pony’s hesitance. Hesitance was not characteristic of Twilight.
“Come with me, sweet filly.”
Princess Celestia used her magic to set Twilight Sparkle snugly between her wings and Twilight clung to her soft, warm hide. She took them both through the clouds and to a clearing on a tall, green hill. In flight, Twilight numbly took the clouds in, noticed the trees and houses shrinking beneath them. It felt like she was in a dream as they pierced smoothly through the air.
When they came to the ground, it was a slow and steady landing. Twilight was very carefully placed down and she didn’t make eye contact with Princess Celestia. She stared at one distant spot and didn’t say a word. The princess sternly looked into her, but with as much love as she could possibly muster – which was a lot, especially for sweet Twilight Sparkle. She didn’t say a word either, this time she waited for Twilight to speak first.
Eventually, she did.
“Princess, I’m so sorry…” More tears started to fall. This idly surprised Twilight because she thought she didn't have any left.
The apology startled the Princess, but she didn’t show that. Sorry? All Celestia did was give Twilight a curious expression in hopes of encouraging her to speak.
Twilight sighed faintly and started again. “Spike is dead.” It was all she could think about, so it’s all she said.
The princess felt dread wash over her, which was rare, but... “Did you…?”
“No! No, I wouldn’t. I saw him… There were these sounds and I just-” Twilight was becoming intense and tearful. “I fled, I barely even talked to anyone. I saw him lying there, I can still see him there. He was so different from usual. He was so happy and he was wearing his little tie because he was so excited!” She kept sputtering and her breaths were so labored that they punctuated her sentences unnaturally. She was becoming shrill and speaking almost too fast for the princess to understand. “The booming made my ears go quiet for so long I didn’t hear the stampede coming! I wanted to run but I couldn’t move and Fluttershy dragged me out of there by my scruff but I didn’t get Spike! I just left him in there! He was just a baby! It’s all my fault! Everything is ruined! Spike is gone! Spike is gone forever! Spike is gone! My friends hate me! I forced Fluttershy to come with me! She had to see him first! Why Fluttershy!? WHY SPIKE??? He’s gone forever… Why, princess? Please… I can’t do this. I can’t.”
Princess Celestia was completely dumbfounded, now understanding why Twilight wasn’t answering her. Understanding everything. She gazed at Twilight with intense worry for her well-being, but Twilight took it as pity and felt so ashamed. She couldn’t stop crying, though, despite this.
“Twilight, you can’t do this to yourself. It is not your fault. To me, your self-blame seems like survivor's guilt more than anything, and I truly believe you are too smart -- too logical to allow yourself to believe it. You had nothing to do with this tragedy. I know it. Your friends know it. Your friends still love you, and I can promise you that. Maybe you should stay with one of them for a while. You need a break, and I’m ordering it... Take care of yourself, mourn properly, and don’t worry about what happened. I am the queen, and I have it under control. This is not your responsibility Twilight. You are a victim, and you have to heal somehow. I have never seen you like this.”
“I have never been–” A shuddering gasp – “Like this."
“Go stay with Applejack at her orchard. It’s calm, you'll be surrounded with love, and you can focus on yourself.”
“I don’t want to stay with Applejack,” Twilight’s voice was suddenly deeper. She meant this, but Celestia couldn’t tell why. She quickly decided it was too much to expect Twilight to behave as normal, and it was best to accommodate her in these circumstances.
“You don’t have to. There’s a cottage only a stroll from here, on the outskirts of Ponyville near the White Tail Forest. It’s been empty for a while but I can get it cleaned up for you, and you can stay there for as long as you need to. I don’t want you to feel pressure. You’re my best student, Twi. You need some time, and I can see that.”
Twilight felt patronized, but the idea of isolating for a while sounded too good to pass up.
“Okay, princess.”
Princess Celestia tried to smile at Twilight, but Twilight wasn’t looking at her.
-
Princess Celestia and Twilight stood before the doors of the cottage. The princess was silently grateful that she was able to make it this far with Twilight, because she was in a different state of mind and certainly fragile. Twilight stared numbly up at the gorgeous cottage.
The hay on the roof had multiple shades of red, purple, and green mixed in from other dry plants being bundled together. A golden shaded griffon wind vane twirled gracefully around there on the roof, and Spanish moss shrouded the building. The moss brushed deep purple shutters on bay windows with thick, bubbly glass. A round oak door sat snugly in the doorframe and there were two large padlocks above the handle, and this was Twilight’s primary interest. Otherwise, what she saw before her made her feel absolutely nothing. She would’ve felt exactly the same looking at anything. She felt abysmally empty.
No, she was excited to be alone. She didn’t wonder why. It was at this moment that she was actually trying to avoid wondering anything at all.