//------------------------------// // Hearth’s Warming is Magical // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// Ah, there’s fucking snow on the god damn ground! God dammit, there’s like seventeen inches of fucking snow on the ground! Who? Why? Who was the fucking dumbass who decided to pull an Ohio and dump severeen inches of snow on Canterlot out of nowhere… Celestia and Luna made the weather schedules. That’s it, I’m going to storm the castle and kill the king when the snow melts.  I have to, because snow dropping in like this out of nowhere is fucking insane. On the bright side, I have my timber wolves… which I can’t find anywhere. But considering I see green, glowing eyes under my bed, I think my wolves are using the underside of my bed as a den, like how my changeling guards usually do… But my changeling guards went out last night to visit a friend of theirs in the Hive and it fucking snowed! Oh yeah, Changelings are terrible at dealing with the cold. Like incredibly bad, to the point where they need to wear scarves and beanies while inside of a magically heated building. So I’m not seeing Skitter, Scatter, or my girlfriend for at least three days while all the snow sticks around. I am going to actually steal the yearly weather budget and burn it. Well this sucks. Hearth’s Warming was in two days and I was hoping to… go spend the day with Chrysalis while we chatted over some hot cocoa. Thankfully, I’m not going to miss it; I’ll just have to come to Chrysalis, which won’t be too terrible. But as a New Yorker, this much snow is enough to make me have a hissy fit over the whole thing.  I laid my head down on my pillow and stared at the ceiling, my leg was still broken and in a sling, so I couldn’t really wrestle with one of my timber wolves, no matter how fun that sounds right now. It was actually kinda fun now that I’m a creature that stands on four legs, and my wolves let me win most of the time… then it ends up me and my wolves in a doggy pile that is surprisingly comfortable given that my pets are made out of wood. Also everything still kinda hurts. That sucks. I’m feeling… dead inside. Recovering from an injury sucks. A knock at my door made me raise my head. Who, who in their right mind is out and about while there’s seventeen inches on the ground, and snow’s still coming down! Fuck it, I do not feel like getting up. So I magicked the door open because I shouldn’t check if it’s a stranger, a homeless guy, or a serial raper. Or a homeless guy that's a serial raper. “Hey Fruit,” I raised my head… Why is Twilight here? Why were her friends here? It’s fucking freezing- play, they’re wearing winter clothing. “Sup,” I rolled onto my side to face them while being careful with my leg. It would've been healed within a week, but I kinda walked out of the hospital because the nurse kept trying to hit on me, and it was making me kinda uncomfortable. I don’t know why she was so interested in my arse, but it was enough to make me deal with a longer recovery rather than a quicker, easier one. That got a few missing signs put up in my name… So that’s what happens when you date an overly protective Changeling Queen that you absolutely adore. Luckily Chryssy knows where I am, even if I got an earful for leaving the hospital with a broken leg. “So why the heck are you guys here? Don’t you live in Ponyville?” “We were stopping by Canterlot since the Princesses invited us to a Hearth’s Warming party. She was going to invite you… then remembered that you're still recovering from our fall.” Twilight sat by my bed. “Thanks for stopping my fall, by the way. I… never got to truly thank you for that.” “Don’t you dare assume I’m a nice guy.” “We saw how you acted while talking to Chrysalis. We know you’re a big softie underneath your… rough exterior,” Rainbow said. She smirked. “Like it’s completely lame that you’re that soft, but I suppose everypony is awesome in their own ways.” “Plus you were coming to terms with dying in that hole! I heard you!” Pinkie butted in. “Wait, what?” Apple raised an eyebrow. “Can we just go back to hating each other? That was pretty fun.” I chuckled. “Seriously, don’t go around spreading the word that I’m not a completely horrible person. I like being left alone.” “You know Derpy Doo was trying to find a way to invite you to a Hearth’s Warming’s Eve party, right?” Rainbow asked. “As in… the mail mare?” Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, everypony in Ponyville knew about how you helped her get paid when her boss was screwing her over. So I was surprised that you ended up being such… such a prick,” Twilight chuckled. “And then you tried to give me advice when I was stressing over my coronation speech. Even if you are usually completely unbearable, you aren’t too bad of a stallion.” “Or how you-“ “Aight, I get the point. Why did you all come here?” “We wanted to check in on you and wish you a happy Hearth’s Warming.” “Oh yeah, I’m super happy that I get to travel through the snowy, icy roads of Canterlot with a broken leg because somebody dumped an ass load of snow on the ground. Because Chrysalis literally cannot go outside with how cold it is right now, so I either go to her and possibly break my leg again, or spend the day alone.” “Well…” Apple handed me a small box. “I know we haven’t gotten along, but hearing from Twilight how you actively made sure she didn’t get hurt by that fall, landed you on my nice list.” “Cool…” I opened up the box and… it was a little, silver chained, necklace with an apple-shaped gem hanging from it… No, I am not tearing up over a stupid little necklace. “Wow… usually I get a letter from my parents that tell me that I’m a failure and should commit seppuku.”  “What?” Twilight nearly shouted. “My parents tell me to kill myself, basically.” “That is… awful.” “Really? I thought it was normal for comedians. Can’t have comedy without tragedy, right?” “Fruit, that isn’t right, that’s messed up, like very messed up.” Rainbow said. “Yeah, I know.” We all sat in awkward silence while the group of mares began to process how ‘bad’ my life was. Honestly, who didn’t tell their children to go kill themselves? Healthy, sane, reasonable individuals? Like those exist in New York City. “Say… do you know any songs?” Fluttershy blurted out of nowhere. “Wha?” “You sang an… interesting song at Cadence’s wedding reception… I was wondering if you knew any other songs. Something more… pleasant” I levitated myself up with my magic, which surprisingly worked, and moved myself over to a portable piano that I borrowed from the castle a few weeks ago. Did I ask? No. But Celestia owes me for pretty much setting up the whole ‘broken’ leg thing. So this is her payment, even if she didn’t agree to this form of payment. “It surprises me that you know how to do that.” “What?” “You know how to fly with magic.” “No I don’t, I just used levitation on myself.” Twilight and Rarity blinked. “That… is ingenious, actually.” Rarity even tried it and remained in the air for five seconds. She nearly face planted afterwards. “Welcome to humanity, we make ideas and sometimes those ideas involve eating shit, or coming up with spaceships that can take us to the moon and back. It depends on the day that somebody chooses to think.” I paused and realized I can’t play piano without my fucked up leg being a problem. Well, I can play using magic. “Well, I suppose I should sing a Christmas song. Before you ask, that’s the human equivalent of Hearth’s Warming.” Everybody nodded and I hit five keys with my magic to test the waters… this was easier than using my hooves. Man, if only I remembered to use magic more. Might as well sing a Spongebob song again while I’m here. “Bring Joy to the world, it’s the thing to do.” I did a nice little flourish on the piano because I honestly don’t know how to play this song. I’m just hoping what I’m doing sounds christmas-y enough. “But the world does not revolve around you!” I sang in my best Spongebob impression, which admittedly was probably not the move to do. Everybody in the room seemed to like it at least. As I continued to sing, Twilight and her friends swayed side to side on beat to the song I was singing. Eventually I managed to make it to the end, after improvising some lyrics because I couldn’t remember the whole song, and stopped. God singing like Spongebob hurt my ass… don’t ask how I did such an accurate Spongebob Squarepants expression with my ass. Trust me, that is some weird shit you don’t want to know about… I’m here all week, guys. “That was nice,” Fluttershy was… smiling. It was a small, adorable one. “And you can sing and play the piano? Are you sure you’re not single?” Rarity asked. “Yeah, Chrysalis owns my ass, and will kick the shit out of anypony that tries to court me.” “I… think I’ll leave you alone then. I did not know that you had such a… dedicated marefriend.” “Meh, she’s the love of my life…” I pulled out a guitar. “I even learnt how to play the guitar for her, so I can sing her a silly little love song I learnt and wrote when I was a kid.” Rarity groaned. “Why are you and Chrysalis even dating? Didn’t she invade Canterlot?” “Actually, she tried to mind control me and failed when we first met. It just turned out we got along exceedingly well, and I stopped her from actively kidnapping Princess Cadence because I was supplying Chryssy with enough… love to feed her Hive. Her children thought she was getting executed and invaded Canterlot in an effort to save her. It’s kinda cute because they dubbed it the ‘Save Mom’ mission. “Like Chrysalis is quite lovely to be around, and I absolutely love cuddling up with her in bed… plus she’s kinda sexy.” Everybody but Pinkie gagged, she seemed to be considering boning my girlfriend- hey! No, that’s my Chryssy, Pinkie. Bad Pinkie... Pie. (Chrysalis, who was watching with a Crystal Ball, was now blushing) “Well… I suppose we should get going, we need to get to our hotel room, after all.” Twilight said. I nodded and waved them goodbye… Jesus, why were they actually pleasant to be around now? I liked being seen as an asshole more than this. Why did Twilight and, by extension, Pinkie Pie tell their friends about me being a decent piece of shit instead of a complete piece of shit? I picked myself up with levitation and moved myself back to the bed, where one of my wolves had taken residence on my pillow… You’re lucky you’re cute and cuddly, Jerry. You pony eating monster you. Luckily he didn’t protest being used as a pillow since my current one is out of commission, under arrest due to ‘doggy want snuggles’, and executed under said doggy butt. I closed my eyes and went to sleep… Who the fuck is standing on my roof? Here I am, sleeping until the night of the next day, and my wolves were barking. Then I hear a bastard walking on top of my roof! I grabbed a shotgun and multiplied it sixteen times, and pointed them at the fireplace. Though it was lit, it was also the only entrance from the roof that whoever the fuck can take to get in. And I ain’t taking any chances. “Ho! Ho! Ho!” Oh god, that sounds like a pedophile. Go away fuck boy! I’m not a child! I summoned seventeen muskets just in case unloading sixteen shotguns into a creepy old man wasn’t enough. I wrapped myself up in my blanket and shivered in fear, with a brick in one arm, and Jerry in the other. I’m gonna be honest, I’m kinda scared. Because I have a broken arm and several other still broken bones, so I am not winning a fight against a toddler, let alone a creepy old man that wants said toddler. Whoever was on my roof started making his way to the chimney… and my fireplace just went out. How thefuck- Okay, we’re dealing with at least a unicorn. dust fell and hit the charcoal as something began to shimmy down my chimney. “Ho. Ho. Ho. I sense that somepony is still awake, perhaps… No, this pony isn’t truly a pony, is he?” I shivered even more and… a reindeer’s head popped in, hanging upside down, wearing a christmas hat that somehow hadn’t fallen off his head. “Ah hello Fruit, I’ve been hoping to meet you for a long time-“ The creep said before fully stepping out of the fireplace. When I then promptly unloaded every single shotgun and musket into the fucker as possible. I ain’t taking chances, if he wanted to meet me after a ‘long time’ then the fucker was planning this. If Grand Theft Auto has taught me anything, commit homicide, ask questions later. Or commit the homicide and laugh at the corpse launch. “Ho… Ho… Ho… that is the first time when I wasn’t warmly received!” How the fuck? No, no, no, you do not get to live. I unloaded every single firearm in the room on the fucker, muskets, shotguns, flintlocks, I shoved a knife into the man’s chest while I was at it, and pulled out a machete I had on hand for no particular reason. Usually this is for cutting vines when I get lost in a forest again, but I will saw off this fucker’s head if he- “Golly, I might put you on the permanent naughty list-“ I threw my brick at the man and knocked him out. And then, without hesitation, I floated on over and started to saw off the reindeer’s head. Don’t take any chances, this could be like Jason fucking Voorhees, and can come back from the dead. So instead, I am going to fully dismember this fucker, and drop him off of Mount Canterlot where he can’t harm me, or any children, ever again. I breathed heavily as I stared down at the carnage… I killed a man. It was a creepy old man, but I killed a man. You know, if he was going down chimneys and touching kids, then I think he deserved this. Oh hey a sack full of toys… Wow, what a fucking psycho, luring kids in with toys? Good news, shitface, I’m only attracted to crystalized, condensed cocaine! Try harder, bitch! Anyways, this guy is even more fucked up than I thought… Well, I need to go visit Chryssy anyways… I stuck all the body parts in a trash bag, washed myself off with a washing spell, and started out the door after feeding my wolves. As I floated through the snow, I noticed a sled just sitting, like a Santa style sled just sitting in the middle of the park as I walked along. Like it had bells and everything, even a whistle here and there. Thank god I lived on the outskirts of Canterlot because finding the rail was pretty easy. Like, the one that keeps you from falling to your death in Canterlot. So I hucked the dead man over the railing. “That’s a job well done, Fruit!” Then I teleported into Chrysalis’s throne room... I forgot I could do that. Low and behold, Chrysalis was wearing a fuzzy sweater and a thick scarf. She was fast asleep on her throne… d’aw! I teleported over, leaned up against her side, and fell asleep. What a way to end the night after killing a creepy old man. Chryssy wrapped her tail around me . So for some reason, the very next day, me and Chryssy had to go to a press conference that Celestia was holding on Hearth’s Warming. Why? I don’t know. So me and Chryssy teleported after Chryssy layered up in seven fluffy sweaters, which made her even more huggable than usual(and hard to hug because now she was a round ball of fluff). “Mares, stallions, fillys and gentlecolts. As many of you might have noticed, many of you have not received any presents for this Hearth’s Warming… As many of you would like to not believe, or believe if you are very young, Santa Claus is in fact real, and a very close friend to the Crown… He usually does not reveal himself, or wish to have his existence known beyond a simple belief, but this is an important matter… “If any children are listening, cover your ears...” Celestia paused and wiped a tear from her eye. “Santa Claus is dead. He was found at the base of Mount Canterlot in a trash bag. With numerous wounds, and completely dismembered, down to every branch of his antlers being surgically cut and diced. We don’t know who killed Santa, but the guard had found his sled in Canterlot Park… unattended and empty of its gifts. Fortunately, Hearth's Warming is made of more than just gifts; it’s also about spending time with the ponies you love, and cherishing the time spent. “But unfortunately, unless you buy each other gifts, nopony will receive any gifts , as Santa Claus will no longer be able to bring anypony gifts… for the foreseeable future.” Uh… hopefully… oh, Celestia showed a picture of Santa to the press. A reindeer in some sort of Santa get up… Fuck man. I just had an awesome one versus one with Santa and fucking flattened him! Get better at not dying bitch, my Kill Death Ratio is at a perfect one right now… God dammit. Well, I killed Santa. I killed Santa and dismembered him and single handedly ruined a holiday for everybody in Equestria! Chrysalis was holding me throughout the whole press conference, and seemed indifferent. “Don’t worry Fruit, your secret is safe with me… he kept giving me coal every year. That stupid old man had what was coming to him,” Chrysalis kissed me on the top of my head. Okay, girlfriend is happ and she’s kissing me on the head. I feel better now. Fuck Santa, giving coal- I’m gonna bring himback from the dead and kill him again!   “Wait, what secret?” “You killed Santa, did you not?” “No.” “Oh.” “Okay, yeah…” I whispered. “My hero!” Chrysalis hugged me even tighter… Best. Christmas. Ever.