Deep down, I must hate myself. Unless I just need more brain cells – which I could probably use more of to be honest – why else would I have agreed to this?
Sure, when she has her “Great and Powerful Trixie” persona suppressed, Trixie can be a surprisingly nice pony. Just don’t expect her to threaten Fluttershy’s status as the Element of Kindness anytime soon. Actually, make that “never.”
But still, to let that unicorn saw me in half for her magic show?! Before you say “it’s just a magic trick”, well, I wouldn’t be crammed in one side of the box people/ponies be inside during the famed “sawing someone in half” trick or something similar. She also claimed she wasn’t going to use her magic to somehow protect me, but said to trust her.
I would have trusted her a little more if I had seen her practice on something non-living first. But nope, “Ms. Powerful” said doing this trick without practice would make it more impactful.
“And now, mares and gentlecolts, with the Great and Powerful Trixie’s handsome I guess assistant in position, it is time for the grand finale,” Trixie said with her vintage boastful voice, head held high. “Prepare to witness a feat even the legendary Hoofdini never dared to consider: a pony, or rather human, will be sawed in half with no magic or slight of hoof. Trixie would not lie to her fans, so you can trust her. Besides, Applejack would kick her into next Monday if she lied, and nopony likes Mondays, right?”
*Laughter*
Heh, that joke wasn’t half-bad. Don’t remember Trixie ever adding this kind of comedy to her shows. For my sake, hopefully it wouldn’t become black comedy.
“Nice joke, Trixie, but you swear this trick is safe, right?”
“Of course it is. Trixie thinks.”
“You think?!”
“Trixie is just kidding! Maybe.”
“May–”
“But first,” Trixie said as she looked toward the crowd watching on, “Trixie will show what her great and powerful saw can do.” She levitated a saw lying by a block of wood on the stage, and cut through said wood. Each slice and rip from that saw, sending bits of wood raining down as it tore through the block, bit by bit, forced grimaces out of me–guess I was too aware that I was next. One last cut, and the newly liberated section of the block fell over on the stage. “As you can see, this saw has no problem with even the toughest wood, so it can definitely handle cutting through flesh.” She turned her head to me. Couldn’t tell if that smirk curling on her face was mischievous or bloodthirsty. “Especially soft, vulnerable, human flesh.”
That last part sure made the ‘ol stomach sink. If she was trying to scare me, it was working.
“With that demonstration over, it is time to turn one human into two.” Trixie strolled over to me with her saw hovering behind her. Couldn’t be a good sign that she felt to be moving slower and far more menacingly than usual. The look in that mare’s eyes as she finally made it back to me seemed harmless, though her smirk might have been a different story. She, slowly, raised her saw over the box holding me inside. The teeth of that saw – sharp, slice-happy, murderous – dangling over my waist...why did I agree to this?
“Trixie feels compelled to warn you all to not try this at home. Even the Great and Powerful Trixie gets things wrong every now and then. She is even overdue.”
“You’re not helping my paranoia, Ms. Powerful.”
She petted my head, coaxing a growl from my mouth. Trixie must have taken lessons from Starlight, the only pony to occasionally invert one of the ways you think a human and pony might interact by petting me. Not because “Starie” thought I was adorable, but it was always to further rub it in after she owned me over something. “Aw, isn’t he cute pretending this could be his last day on Equestria? Although it really might be if Trixie goofs–oops! Did Trixie say that out loud?”
*Laughter*
“Cut the 'last day' jokes, Trixie!”
“Yeah, you’re right. Trixie needs to cut you, in half.”
Trixie lowered her saw closer to the box. Slowly. Closer still. My heart skipped some beats and I clenched my fists. Part of me wanted that saw to raise back up. Then it did.
“Hey, quick question: do you have life insurance?”
“Are you seriously asking that now?!”
*Laughter*
“Trixie takes that as a ‘no’, so how about a will?”
“No! But if I do write one, I'll slap in a ‘Trixie Clause’ saying that when I die, you will get a great and powerful nothing!”
*Laughter*
“A shame. Uh, another question: can humans regenerate like flatworms do when they are cut in–”
“Trixie Lulamoon, stop mentally torturing me and get this trick over with!”
“Okay, okay. Geez, Trixie’s backup assistant usually has a much better sense of humor than this. He must have spent too much time with Princess Twilight.” She floated her hat off her head and pulled out of it…Twilight’s mane?
“Is that Tw–”
She dropped that mane, or wig I guess, onto my head while lowering her hat back onto hers.
“It’s a perfect fit for Eric Sparkle here. Now if he ever grow wings, we can call him Princess Eric Sparkle.”
*Laughter*
For obvious reasons, my somehow sprouting alicorn wings or becoming a princess wasn’t happening. More importantly, I shook that wig off my head; I could ponder when and why Trixie got that thing later. “All right, funny mare, how about we switch places and see how well your sense of humor lasts?!”
“Nah, that won’t be necessary. Now then, here we go!” Trixie floated her saw over me, again, and lowered it. Then yanked it back to her and stared at it while flipping it over. Weird. She glided that thing back over me yet again and floated it down to finally touch my box. Courage, hang in there. No way Trixie would actually get me hurt or killed! I hope.
Okay, why was she once again bringing her saw back to her to repeat staring at it?
“Now what are you doing?”
“Patience. Trixie is trying to ensure her timing and placement are just right, unless you don’t mind getting some red on your white shirt. Oh, Trixie should tell you that when she attempted a trick like this on her first-ever assistant, she might have made a mis–”
“NOPE!” That was it! I flew open that box and jumped out of it! “Nope nope nope nope nope, and nope!” I pointed at that crazy blue pony and added, “Find yourself another human to cut in half, you sadistic unicorn! This human is exiting, stage left!” I stomped toward the end of the stage.
“Uh, you’re going to the right.”
*Laughter*
“Then I’m exiting stage right!” I yelled as I stepped off the stage completely and stormed off. The feeling of embarrassment could come later.
I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have left Trixie out to dry. Really shouldn’t have called her sadistic.
However, it couldn’t be helped now. Even if she did a replacement trick for her finale, her show should have been over by this point. I was already at the doors of Twilight’s castle, but I could still go back and apologize. How I found myself staring at the doors had to be my conscience trying to drag my butt back to the magician with a mouth.
“Eric! Wait up! I gotta tell you something!”
Didn’t expect to hear that voice. I turned around and saw Trixie running up toward me. Thought she might be mad, but instead she seemed to be giggling to herself. Odd.
“Uh, Trixie? Sorry I called you a sadistic unicorn and ran off, but you wouldn’t stop freaking me out and I panicked!”
“Heh heh, don’t be sorry. You did exactly what I wanted.”
My guilt felt torn between being relieved and being confused–so it took both options. “I did? How?! I ruined your grand finale!” I stared Trixie in her eyes. Something had to be up with that head of hers! “Seriously, friend-to-friend, are you feeling okay?”
“Of course I am!” She raised her head and summoned her boastful grin. “I will let you in on a little secret: if we had gone through with that trick, you really would have been half the stallion, uh, man you used to be, permanently.”
“What?! Then why were you trying to cut me in half for real?!”
“I wasn’t! If you had stayed in, I would have canceled the trick.” Trixie’s lips hardened into possibly the sternest, no-nonsense frown I’d ever seen from her. “Come on, Eric Reed, you're my friend; I wouldn’t get you hurt, let alone killed, for a little magic trick. The Great and Powerful Trixie does have standards…and Starlight would kill me if I let something happen to you.”
Yep. I do need more brain cells. Man I hate how I still can’t shake the pesky paranoia that has been an annoying, king-sized thorn in my side for years. My fingers fiddled with each other since my brain struggled to make words. Wait, it found some words.
“Don’t tell Twi I said this because she hates it when I called myself one, but I am such an idiot!”
“At least you are a predictable idiot, even for me. I will let you in on another secret.” Trixie waved a “come closer” hoof toward herself. So I did. “I take into account my tricks’ chances of failing, minuscule as it is, so I wouldn’t perform tricks on you anyway. Have you ever wondered why the subject for them has always been me and not Starlight?”
Wow. Just when I think I have Trixie figured out, she says or does something to make me rethink her as a pony–in a good way. “I never really thought about it. I figured you just wanted all eyes to be on you. So, to be clear: you never intended to ‘saw me in half’ and you were counting on me to break?”
“Yes, humans can be taught!”
“Ha, ha, very funny, but what was the point of your ‘grand finale’ if you weren't going to do an actual trick? It couldn’t have just been an excuse for you to mess with me again or a prank. Was it?”
“My tricks and illusions are top-notch, obviously, but I had been thinking of adding some comedy to make my shows even more of a spectacle.” She poked my belly with a hoof. “Starlight rarely snarks back at me as hard as you do, so picking you as my assistant this time was the perfect way to test the waters. And it worked; the crowd ate up our act, so taking the chance of having it as the grand finale paid off!”
Wow, again. Didn’t know Trixie had that kind of trust in me. Yet one more thing to make me reconsider how I thought of her. “I thought you only asked me instead of Starie because she's in Canterlot right now. But one last thing: why did you keep your real plan a secret? I could have hammed it up if I knew!”
Her lips rolled into an all-too-familiar smirk. “Because leaving you clueless and nervous the whole time made it more fun for me.”
And my reconsidering got reconsidered. “Okay, real last thing: remind me why we’re friends again?”