Nikolai Berlinski and Equesria, with no zombies?!?!
By Awesomedude17
The group of three agreed to go over to the library. After short introductions about each other and a reassurance of a popular bar in a secluded part of ponyville, the three set off.
"So, Applejack."
"Yes Nikolai?"
"What is with butt mark on your, erm, butt?"
"Beg Pardon? Oh, yah mean mah cutie mark."
"Cutie Mark?" Nikolai was now trying to not laugh, "Sounds, pft, girly." Then Nikolai procceed to laugh a few seconds before letting out a massive belch and re-tasting his vodka.
Twilight looked offended, "Hey, our cutie marks shows what our special talents are."
"Oh, yeah. Ass tattoos show that you all are special." Nikolai laughed some more before he stopped suddenly. This worried Applejack.
"Nikolai, you okay?"
"Oh shit. Nausea." Nikolai procceded to run behind a tree and vomit. Twilight then looked at Applejack.
"Applejack, while I am excited a new, previously unknown species is standing right here, I can't help but feel that he is a bit..."
"Annoying." Applejack offered.
"No, well yes, ahhh, let's just make sure he doesn't make any trouble, okay."
"Fine, but let's get the others."
"Good idea, I just wonder what Rarity and Fluttershy are doing now?"
"Ah have noticed that they've been actin' awfully suspicious lately."
"Please Applejack, what could they be doing that would seem suspicious?"
"Just a hunch." Nikolai came back as soon as Applejack finish her sentence.
"You mares ready, because my stomach is hurting from vomiting." Twilight looked at Nikolai.
"Oh, sure Nikolai."
When Nikolai entered Ponyville, the ponies screamed 'monster!' and 'run away!'. Nikolai decided to dick around a little bit.
"Guess I am big scary monster, ha ha." Nikolai then realized that he was still wearing his P.E.S., "Umm, Where is libra... omp!" Nikolai was suddenly tackled by something.
"What are you? Why are you here? Stay away from my friends!"
"Rainbow Dash, git off of Nikolai right now."
"What, why?" Twilight approached the pegasus.
"He's harmless, he just lost and, umm heh heh." Twilight did not like the fact that Nikolai is drunk, a lot.
Rainbow got off cautiously, and Nikolai stood up, looking angry.
"Let me tell you something,"
Oh Celestia, this 'Nikolai' is going to kill me.
"You hurt me and act brashly,"
Okay Rainbow Dash, prepare to retaliate.
"And so, I find you much like my best friend in world, TANK DEMPSEY!" Nikolai laughed roaringly, leaving three confused mares, and an amused Russian. Twilight soon recovered.
"Wait, so you're not going to kill Rainbow?"
"Of course not, she has the same attitude, badassery, maybe not same gender, and possibly sexual orientation."
"Wait, are you calling me a fillyfooler?" Rainbow was now angry.
"I don't know, I'm drunk."
"Oh." Drunks are stupid, so I can forgive him, for now.
A gasp soon came out of the open prompting the four to look at the source.
"OhmygoshitsanewponyonlyitnotaponybutsomemonkeythingIgottoplanapartylater!" But before she could leave, she was telekeneticly caught by Twilight.
"Pinkie, This is Nikolai, and he is going to talk to us, Fluttershy, and Rarity, so please, hold off the party."
"Okie Dokie Lokie."
"She is hyper, like second wife." Twilight then turned to Nikolai.
"You were married?"
"Da, and 7 time widower, third and seventh wife were divorced though, something about affairs or something."
All the mares except Pinkie were shocked, how was he not sad, and did he just admit that he had not one, but two affairs?
"I am going to pretend that you didn't say that." Twilight said. They then moved to the library, but they took a little detour to check something.
"Rarity! Yer there? Come on out" Applejack bellowed. The boutique soon had some cluttering sounds, as if something had gone off in there. Rarity and Fluttershy then came out the door.
"Applejack, what do you... you..." Rarity then noticed the horrible creature standing next to them. "AAAAAHHHH!!!"
"AAH, fucking noise!"
"Oh, your clothes are absolutely horrible, oh come in, you..."
"Hey wait, let go of me, you bitch!" Rarity gasped at what she just heard.
"How dare you call me that.. that horrible name!"
"You fucking remind me of fourth wife, she had bad fucking taste in perfume like you, and she had exact same voice!"
"Wha... I... GRRRR!" Rarity was now resolving to really hurt this, thing. She didn't care if it was uncouth of her, he just insulted her perfume, called her a bitch and refused to let her change his clothes to something more fashionable.
"Alright, alright you two, stop it!" Twilight screamed, "Look, let's just go to the library and discuss about Nikolai there."
The two looked at each other with obvious anger, then nodded. Fighting wasn't going to solve my problem with him anyway.
"Flutters, what were you doing with Rarity?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Oh, um, just hanging out with her..." Fluttershy looked at Nikolai and eeped as she hid behind her pink flowing mane.
"Hey girls? Nikolai just remembered something"
"What?" They all unison-ed except Fluttershy, who was still scared of the Russian.
"This suit is tight-fitting and is starting to bunch up my balls."
The group of seven then left after Nikolai took off his now useless P.E.S., which Twilight took out of curiosity, and soon reached the library and went inside, unaware of the hell the mares just got themselves into.
"Okay Nikolai, I going to ask you some questions, and I want you answer them. Understand?" Twilight said as she got parchment and a quill, with spares.
"Sure, go ahead, just so long as I go to bar soon for vodka."
The 6 mares gathered around the library while Nikolai sat down at one of the seats.
"Okay, question one: What species are you?"
"I am human. Armed, drunk human from the Soviet Union." Rainbow perked up at the word armed.
"Armed!"
"Da, this gun I have."
"Which leads to question 2: What is a gun?"
"Gun is, uhhh, hold on," Nikolai took out his FN FAL out, and presented it to the mares, "this is gun. It shoots bullets at speeds that, I don't really know science behind guns, just that they hurt people. This gun I call falafel." Rainbow then looked at Nikolai.
"You named your weapon, after bean paste..."
"Well it is better then FN FAL right, get it, FN like uh, fuck." Nikolai then saw the mares confused looks, "You know what, fuck you, you are not funny."
"Right, next question, what is your job back home?" Twilight asked
"I have none."
"What?"
"Yeah, zombies makes job hunt harder and why are you looking at me like that, it's fucking creepy... like fifth wife."
"Did you just say zombies, but... but they don't exist!" Twilight was now really sacred. Nikolai was in a zombie apocalypse, HOW THE BUCK DID HE LIVE SO LONG, HOW IS HE NOT INFECTED!?
"Da, I was, and I'm pretty sure this is alternate universe, I mean, if it wasn't, Earth should have been blown up now." All the mares went wide-eyed and screamed,
"WHAT!"
"Ahh, fuck, loud noises"
"You blew up a planet!" Twilight was now genuinely fearful for her life, she had just brought a murderer, an annihilator, a man who committed genocide to not just zombies, but whatever life was left on his planet, to her own house.
"Yeah and I did it with three others from the Moon."
"You were on the Moon?!" Rainbow Dash was ready to attack this man, but she always wondered what it would be like on the Moon, rather than in it.
"Oh yeah, it's so bouncy and fun!" Pinkie Pie beamed up.
"Oh, oh, I wanna go, I wanna go!"
"Wait, how are you not freaking out that you are possibly in an alternate universe?" Twilight was now starting to freak out.
"I do not care, just so long as there is vodka." That reminded him of something, Nikolai was starting to sober up.
"Girls, let's... let's take a break, I have had enough of this." Twilight got more than she bargained for.
"Alright, I will check gear for vodka and... whatever." Nikolai look at what he had. He had an FN FAL with 13 rounds in the mag and 54 spares. The H115 Oscillator had a full 150 magazine and 300 rounds in spare. He also had a sparsely use Porter's X2 Ray Gun with a full 40 shot battery and 160 shots as spares. Nikolai only had one Semtex grenade left and a Bowie Knife.
Yep, Nikolai will need these, now for real treasure, let's see, ah Ah AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
"I am out of vodka, take me to bar now!"
"Wha..." Twilight never finished her word when Nikolai pulled out the knife, causing Twilight to panic.
"NOW!"