“It’s Big Jack Horner!” the irate pie kingpin shouted back up at the mysterious figure.
“Oh, well please excuse me for this grievous error. It won’t happen again,” the shadowy figure assured with a chuckle. Jack eyed the thing warily as he stood up and flicked back his waist coat in indignation. He was in some sort of old run down castle, that much he was sure of. Where in the world he was or who was this creature speaking to him however, he did not know.
So, the most logical thing to do was ask, “Where am I and who are you?!”
“Ah yes, very important questions indeed,” the dark shape responded, “However I will not be giving those answers away for free. You must earn them.”
“Earn them?” Jack asked, “And why would I-”
“BECAUSE I RAISED YOU FROM THE DEAD!” the dark shadow cut the kingpin off with a howl, “So, I think I should be deserving of a little of your respect at least.” On one hand Jack was stunned. If what the creature said was true then he really had been dead and that dream wasn’t a dream, it was real. On the other hand Jack seethed, how dare this thing yell at him like that?! He was THE Jack Horner, no one yells at him like that! If only he still had his magical nanny bag, then he could just reach in and pull out his-
“Weapons. Your weapons I return to you,” the entity spoke calmly once more as Jack’s bag appeared in front of him out of thin air, “At least I assume this bag is yours, it had your aura all over it.” Jack looked down at his bag and then back up to the shadowy figure before looking at the bag once more. Without much more hesitation he dashed toward his bag and quickly scooped it up, gripping it tightly to his chest. Swiftly he unlatched the bag and reached in, wrapping his fingers around the nearest object and pulling it out. The staff glowed with purple energy as the bakers’ boy pointed the shooty end at his savior.
“I have no clue what you’re talking about or who you are, but if I were you, I’d choose my next words very carefully,” Jack said as his magical staff hummed menacingly.
The shadow smiled sardonically as fangs protruded from their mouth and glistened in the oppressive moonlight. “I would settle down if I were you, Mr. Horner. I raised you and I can send you back just as easily without much effort. All it is-is just a simple switch in the spell’s composition, and you're sent straight back to Tartarus.”
“You know those are some pretty good words,” Jack admitted as he lowered his staff a bit, “Mind if I steal them to use later if I’m ever found in this very specific situation again, only I’m the one in your position?” The shadow only arched an eyebrow at his words. Jack was internally debating whether he’d be able to shoot the shadow faster than it could cast its spell when a sudden thought hit him, “Wait hold up for a second, you said you brought me back to life right?”
Intrigued, the shadow leaned forward in their throne and responded, “More or less, yes.”
“Okay, okay. So why did you do it? What gives!?” Horner asked.
“Impress me and I’ll tell you," The shadow responded simply.
“Impress you?!” Indignation once again flared up in the pie guy’s small heart, “How?!”
“Don’t die.”
“What?” Jack asked incredulously. All too soon the shadow’s statement became clear as a thunderous crack shook the castle and a defending roar soon followed in its wake. Horner turned on a dime and looked around wildly trying to find the source of this new horrifying sound. His eyes fell upon shadows coalescing on the floor behind him. The shadows grew and grew as the beast took shape growing four massive legs, a pair of wings, and a crooked horn. A wide maw filled with sharp black teeth ripped apart its head in a grotesque display while two white orbs blinked to life on its head.
Jack took one look at the creature, shook his head, and reached for his bag, “Really, a shade? That’s the best you can do? With this ba-” Jack stopped as his hand felt nothing but empty space. He quickly looked down and saw his bag missing.
“Your bag would make this fight too fair. Live up to the stories that have been told about you. Beat it with just your staff and wits and you’ll have impressed me enough,” the shadow said, letting out a dark chuckle.
“Oh come on!” The bakers’ boy yelled in aggravation as the monster in front of him fully formed. It towered over him, a huge creature made even bigger by the wings flaring out on its back. They locked eyes, and for one moment all was quiet. A bead of sweat rolled down Horner’s face and the shade’s tongue lolled out the side of its mouth, saliva running down its jaw and pooling on the floor below.
Jack Horner: most feared criminal in all the lands, leader of the Baker’s Dozen, the pie kingpin of the world, and the ruler of the biggest criminal empire…
…Was absolutely terrified.
He gulped and prepared for the worst, “Oh, boy.”
The sound of running water reverberated throughout the lush jungle as its fauna swayed in a light breeze. A peaceful tranquility pervaded through the interlocking network of trees, bushes, and vines as life bloomed all around. Fruit flowers opened, insects buzzed, and creatures crawled, seeming to make the jungle come alive. It swayed and moved like a multicolored ocean. The calm babbling brook lazily flowed and foamed while fish drifted down beneath its surface without a care in the world. The scene was the definition of peace, something that could calm anyone down. Anyone, except for one orange cat who ran right past it in a panic.
The jungle was a green blur to Puss as he ran for his life. He didn’t know how long he’d been running or what he was running from; the only thing he knew for sure was that no matter what he could not let it catch him. His arms swung from side to side as he panted heavily and ran over roots, through bushes, and under branches. He couldn’t stop. He had to keep going and try to find something he had lost, but what was it?
In his panic he had forgotten what he’d been searching for before the chase had begun. He ripped his mind apart looking for an answer but in doing so lost his focus on the path ahead.
“Ahrgh!” he cried in surprise as his foot got caught on a root. The resulting fall sent the marmalade cat into a roll which had him come to a stop in the middle of a dusty clearing. “¡Ay, caramba!” Puss shouted as he swiftly stood back up holding his slightly bruised hind leg in his paws. It would heal, faster than the blow to his ego would anyways.
Puss put his leg down and dizzily looked around trying to take stock of his situation. The tumble, having disoriented the adventurer, caused the sense of danger to lessen as Puss instead turned his attention to trying to figure out what he was supposed to be looking for. It was dark, furry, and it was something important to him. He racked his brain for the answer, it was on the tip of his tongue! There were two of them, he cared for them a lot, and they were in danger. The answer eluded the tom cat once again as he strained to think as hard as he could. They were a team, they traveled together, and they both had names. Yes, the answer was right on the tip of Puss’s tongue!
“My friends!” Puss yelled jubilantly, “Kitty, Perrito! Yes, that’s who I was looking for.” But why was he looking for them and did his mind say they were in danger? Quickly Puss’s wits came back to him as his eyes widened and he looked back into the spot of the jungle he had tumbled out of. Just barely in time to jerk his head and avoid a deadly collision with a multicolored-horn-of-death.
The baby unicorn horn flew by Puss’s head, taking a small bit of fur with it, and lodged itself into a tree behind the orange kitty. Puss stood shell-shocked for only a second before his brain restarted and he quickly dropped into a roll to avoid the oncoming volley of horns that followed the first. Puss dodged, ducked, and weaved as he just missed being struck by the horns’ deadly tips. Soon enough the gato once again found himself on the run as unicorn horns came flying at him from behind.
He ran swift as lightning away from a pointy demise and through the greenery. His booted hind paws thundered against the earth as more horns whizzed by his furry head. He leapt over fallen trees, ducked under low hanging branches, and deftly maneuvered over streams. But no matter how fast he went the horns kept their pace with him, and the foliage around him only seemed to get thicker. Soon enough the calm jungle had become a hostile place that started slowing the tom cat down as leaves smacked into his face and he tripped over hidden roots.
Puss knew that his current plan of attack no longer seemed viable. While the trees and vines slowed him, his horn-slinging-attacker seemed only to hasten their barrage with each passing moment. He quickly thought of a way to avoid impalement, and while it was a dangerous gamble Puss decided to take it. He sharply turned to the left and dropped down to run on all fours and give himself a speed boost. The jungle around him started to shift as the orange tabby continued his rush forth.
Somehow, Puss knew this would happen. So, when the transformation was complete and the jungle had become a desert, he wasn’t fazed at all. With only open sands in front of the cat it was a straight shot away from his mysterious attacker. Puss would’ve just kept running too if it wasn’t for the sudden shimmering of a small dune next to him. Struck by the oddity of the situation the cat stopped in his tracks and gasped when the sand fell away and revealed his friends underneath.
“Kitty! Perrito!” Puss was elated at the sight of his missing companions and rushed over to them in a flash. As he neared they only got further away, confusing the adventurer. He slowed his advance to see what would occur, only to witness them move even faster away from him. “No, wait!” the tom cat yelled as he began his chase again in a panic. However, no matter how close he got he could not reach his friends. He ran and ran, exerting all his energy in a futile chase that left him collapsed on the sand in a heap. Puss panted and tried to pull himself back up only to fall over again.
Puss rolled over and looked up at the black sky, another oddity that he paid no mind. He just miserably sat up and glanced across the dunes in front of him. It was just in time to see a unicorn horn fly right at him. He closed his eyes in acceptance but never felt the impact. Curious, he opened his eyes and was greeted by a horrifying sight. Perrito and Kitty were standing in front of him skewered by the hideous horn. Tears fell from Puss’s eyes as he reached forward towards his friends as a low whine escaped his lips. But before he could even brush against their fur they were engulfed in red flames, burning away their bodies.
“No! Give them back to me!” Puss cried in anguish as he toppled over. A dark shadow slowly crept up from behind and fell over him, causing the failed hero to whip his head around and face his attacker. Through his blurry tear-filled vision, he could just barely make out the silhouette of a tall figure with arms ending in curved blades. Red eyes glistened from below the creature’s darkened brow as it glared at him with malicious intent.
“Puss in Boots,” it said in a garbled yet recognizable voice, “What’s wrong? Lives flashing before your eyes?” The entity’s maw opened up to reveal rows upon rows of sharp teeth while a dark chuckle split the air. Puss couldn’t respond, he was frozen in shock. Even as the creature raised its curved forearm he didn’t move. Even as it swung down with the blade he sat still as a statue. And even as his body was torn apart in a painless death he didn't move. He just sat there as the world around him faded to black.