Slowly, carefully but slowly, the blurred environs of the wood and plaster office shifted from an abstract concept into recognizability for the bloodshot blue eyes of Meyer Mare, longtime Mayor of Ponyville. She coughed, a slight taste of blood in her mouth, not uncommon when one falls asleep with one’s mouth open and nasal passages clogged. Blinking unevenly, she lolled her head in a mostly futile attempt to gain her bearings. The morning sun shone in through both windows of her corner room, causing her to involuntarily wince. Why was it so bright even by normal morning sun standards.
As well as a pony is able, she crawled, or perhaps dragged herself, to one of the windows and looked outside. The ground, roads, as well as the roofs of all the town’s houses, businesses, and public buildings were coated in a thick layer of new-fallen snow.
Mayor Mare nodded to herself. Yep, that would do it, she thought. She’d tried to say it but all that came out was a croak.
She coughed some more and uttered some basic vocalizations in an attempt to recover her voice in the absence of any water source. After a couple minutes, she reached the point where she could properly form words, even if her voice was still gravelly by her standards.
“Ugh. What happened?” she asked no one, followed by another cough.
As if on cue, a light knock on the door interrupted her nonexistent train of thought. The pony on the other side of the door did not wait for a response before entering. A grey Earth-pony with dark brown mane and tail both done up in a bun, similarly coloured eyes, a loose red bowtie standing in stark contrast the mayor’s teal cravat, and large black-rimmed glasses, the mayor recognized her immediately, as they had worked together for well over a decade.
“Raven,” croaked the mayor with a nod.
Raven, effective surname Inkwell, smiled. “Welcome back, Meyer,” she said at a normal volume but with obvious joy in her voice.
Mayor Mare cocked her head, confused. “Welcome back? Did I go somewhere? I don’t remember…” she wracked her remaining braincells for a moment before finishing, “…much of anything, really.”
Raven rubbed her own chin a few times, her eyes looking up and to the left, then answered, “Physically? No, you …basically haven’t moved from that spot. Mentally or spiritually? I can’t say. You’re not regaling me about any magical mystery tour or journey to the dark side of the moon this time, so I can only assume your brain was out as much as the rest of you.”
“Uh-huh,” the Mayor replied. “So how long have I been out?”
Raven guiltily looked down as she rubbed her forehoof along the wood floor. “About a year.”
Mayor Meyer Mare blinked a few times, simultaneously in shock yet not shocked at all.
“A year.” The mayor did not phrase it as a question. Given the decade-plus the two had known each other, she had zero reason to not trust Raven was telling the truth. One confirming nod was all she needed.
“Yes. At one point during the summer, we’re pretty sure you contracted the Kappa variant of Blue Flu and died. Good thing Discord was able to capture your spirit and bring you back to life. He said Ponyville is more fun with you around.”
“Glad I can be of service, I guess?” Meyer snarked.
Raven nodded. “Speaking of, he’s done a surprisingly good job serving as Ponyville’s mayor in your stead.”
That caused Meyer’s eyes to open as wide as physically possible as her pupils and surrounding irises shrank to mere pinpricks.
“…………what?”
“Yes, yes. And what a dreadful job it’s been!” said the aforementioned Draconequus as he burst into the mayor’s office through the wall, which quickly repaired itself as gingerbread. “Imagine, the Lord of Chaos having to keep a settlement known for its chaos… NOT chaotic! It’s enough to make an old eldritch abomination like myself want to throw myself out the window! Alas, the snow is soft and I can fly, so unlike unequipped Red Army parachutists, I need such life preservers even less. If it wasn’t for my lovely Fluttershy keeping me on a tight proverbial leash, I probably would have gone completely mad by now!”
Raven rolled her eyes. “Discord! What have I told you about bursting through walls?”
Discord’s eyebrows raised as his left eye detached and met Raven at her level.
“My dear Miss Inkwell,” he said from a few feet away as his floating eyeball commanded attention, “You know I would have been more than willing to bust through the door. Unfortunately, you left it open. I cannot even try to bust through an open door. That would just be silly! And the roof and walls are a no-go since it’s cold outside. So, obviously, the wall immediately next to it was the only logical option.”
“Well, I can’t really argue with that,” Meyer replied as Raven suppressed a scream.
“Nonetheless,” Discord continued dramatically, “I would be much better off elsewhere, but alas! I have promises to keep to some very important friends. Never thought I would say that five thousand years ago. Still, life can take some strange turns, even by my standards.”
Mayor Mare titled her head at him. “Usually, whenever I’m indisposed, Granny Smith takes over for me since the residents actually elected her once. How come you’re here instead?”
At that, Raven looked down and away as Discord’s face dropped… and shattered on the floor. He picked up the pieces and slapped them haphazardly on his face, resembling a Cubist painting for a minute or so before his features moved back into place as he spoke. “Ah yes. That. Well, she did indeed cover for you the first couple of months. But then she called me and asked me to fill in for her. She said with Twilight out of Ponyville and a sort of stable peace maintained, she felt it was time to find a place to die. Well, obviously I could never refuse a request from that glorious Princess of a pony, so here I am.”
“G… Granny Smith is dead?” asked Meyer, a bit shaken.
Raven nodded solemnly but Discord shrugged before replying. “It’s honestly a bit more complicated than that, but from what I’m allowed to tell you… Yes. ‘Granny Smith’ is gone. The most difficult part was using that clay to create a golem lookalike for the Apple Family to find and bury. I felt even more like Ed Gein than usual. Poor Applejack and… What’s his name? We so rarely speak… Oh right, Big McIntosh… Even so many months later they’re still beside themselves with grief. Not that I can blame them. Death IS forever in most cases.”
“Hang on,” interrupted the mayor. “Raven told me I died and you brought me back to life.”
Discord chuckled. “You were clinically dead for no more than eighty-five seconds before I found your spirit and forced it back into your body and your dearest Raven here got you an oxygen pump. It takes about five minutes for braincells to start suffering apoptosis. Meyer, you were fine. Mostly.”
“I see,” Meyer replied, not seeing. “You, uh, didn’t mention Apple Bloom. She was so close to her granny. How's she holding up?”
Raven stared at Meyer as if the latter really did have more brain damage than expected. “Since when do you care about anyone? You worried about your hooch supply, which I’m pretty sure landed you in this situation to begin with?”
The mayor scowled. “I can care about someone without them providing something for me in return! Besides, we became very close through her side business plus our unintended trip to the Crystal Empire. You should know; you were there.”
“I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for interruption your little lovers’ squabble… Oh my, if looks could kill, you two… To answer Meyer’s question, Apple Bloom is doing just fine. In fact she’s better than fine because, like me, she knows certain secrets that even Twilight isn’t privy to,” Discord explained. “The only reason she’s not with me today is she’s preparing for a pilgrimage. Meanwhile, your dragon drinking buddy Spike–”
“Is right here,” Spike interrupted as he entered through the open door, hovering on his small but functional dragon wings.
Mayor Mare blinked twice, then rubbed her eyes, shook her head, stared, and blinked again.
“Spike?”
“Yes, Mayor?”
“Since when did you have wings?”
He shrugged. “It’s been awhile. But I guess you were out when it happened. Or you just don’t remember. Discord, I thought you said she wouldn’t have brain damage.”
“Not from the Blue Flu, no. But between the moonshine Apple Bloom distilled for her for years and whatever you gave her in the Crystal Empire, plus all those falls out of this office, heavens only know how far gone she was even before that.”
“I’m standing right here, you know,” the mayor deadpanned.
“Yes and we’re so glad you are!” Discord patted the mayor on the head, then took her half-moon glasses off her desk and placed them on her muzzle in proper position. “There. That looks much better.”
Spike nodded in agreement. “Anyway, mayor, now that you’re finally awake, I can fill you in on any details Raven or Discord may have missed.”
“Okay…” Meyer said tentatively before continuing. “Twilight left, I’ve heard. But you’re not with her?”
Spike shook his head no. “Nope. She’s in Canterlot doing boring princess stuff that’s really beyond my pay grade, especially considering I was never paid. She’s trying to oversee the Imperial Prosecution set to put Former Chancellor Orangeglow on trial for …basically every crime imaginable, including plotting that coup against Princesses Celestia and Luna a couple years ago.”
“The one he very explicitly told us about?” asked Meyer.
“Yeah, that one. Turns out Princess Celestia was less angry about the coup attempt than she was about him stealing sacred scrolls and scheming to sell them to someone,” Spike explained.
Meyer nodded. “I can understand that. I don’t like it when documents disappear either.”
“Unfortunately,” Spike continued, “Her top choice for prosecutor was Sunset Shimmer, and she refused because she still has a ways to go before she can be a licensed interdimensional attorney. No one’s interested in trying to get Phoenix Wright back here after last time, especially since he told us he was busy working on an intellectual property case with a plumber and a squid.”
“But isn’t he a criminal defense attorney specializing in murder cases?” asked Raven “IP seems out of his wheel-well.”
“Every attorney learns basically the same stuff on their way to passing the bar, although they can further specialize if they wish,” Spike explained. “Also he’s being paid in ramen and his assistant promised she’d finally let him have his way with her.”
Mayor Mare breathed slowly as she processed this information before asking, “Do I know Sunset Shimmer?”
“Probably not,” admitted Spike. “But I know her really well and I think she has what it takes to be a lawyer on both sides of the mirror. Cadance thinks so too, and I’d hope you remember her. You do? Good. Anyway, I had no idea they were so close back in the day until I got roped into a weird four-way letter-writing snafu. Anyway, Sunset was Princess Celestia’s personal student before Twilight, and we all know what happens to her personal students…”
“…The dark side…” Meyer intoned grimly.
“But she’s cool now,” Spike said quickly, waving his hands in a reassuring motion. “Twilight left the dimensional diary here in Ponyville so I’ve been reading her entries. She likes to write about burritos for some reason. Also she has a girlfriend or two, maybe. The way the entries are arranged makes the whole thing really unreliable.”
“Spike,” Discord said, stopping him. “I smell a lazy attempt to fuse canons together in a way they shouldn’t be. You’ve been a part of this before. Your thoughts?”
“The elder gods will do what the elder gods will do,” replied Spike with a shrug. “But a burrito would be good right now.”
“I asked you here to tell us about Orangeglow. It was such fun taking him down and, being de facto mayor of Ponyville, I simply haven’t had the time to help ensure his further downfall. Although with our lovely Meyer finally awake, perhaps that can change.”
“Well, like I said, nothing can happen without a prosecutor, and Twilight doesn’t have one ready to go yet even though all the evidence is there. They even got his taxes, showing he’s nowhere near as wealthy as he said he was,” Spike explained.
“You know Ponyville has a city attorney,” Mayor Mare reminded them. “Can he help?”
“I doubt it, mayor,” said Spike. “Twilight needs someone who literally goes after war criminals. Princesses Celestia and Luna are too close and, as they put it, too old-fashioned and bored to do it themselves. So we’re stuck until either Twilight finds someone who meets her standards…”
“Yeah that’s not friggin’ likely,” Meyer, Raven, and Discord all said in unison.
“…Or Sunset completes her degree about three-and-a-half years or more from now.”
“Wait,” said the mayor, “What about Starlight Glimmer?”
After a pause, they all burst out laughing for a full minute.
“Okay… yeah,” Mayor Mare agreed. “She still hasn’t recovered from the punishment she got for breaking that stupid grammar law a few years ago. Good thing her students don’t know and Trixie doesn’t care.”
“Discord? What’s wrong?” asked Raven, noticing him looking exceptionally pensive.
Discord sighed. “To be honest… yes, not exactly the greatest thing for me but whatever… I, we, have been doing a lot of telling and not a whole lot of showing. Not the most fun outing I’ve had. It’s infinitely more satisfying to harass government officials than be one. Plus it makes for a better story to tell Fluttershy so she can be mildly disappointed in me.”
“Discord. You are strange,” said Spike matter-of-factly. The mares nodded in agreement.
“Indeed. But, on the other hand, as a great man once said, ‘Life’s like a movie; write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending. We’ve done just what we’ve set out to do.”
“Wasn’t that quote originally sung?” Raven asked.
“Yes,” Discord replied, “but they pay me not to sing.”
Mayor Mare stared out one of her office windows. After what felt like an eternity, she turned to the others and asked, “You all want to go snow-diving?”
Raven’s jaw dropped. “Are you insane?! You’re seriously considering jumping out your window at least twenty feet to the ground. We just witnessed your revival.”
Discord smiled his biggest smile of the day. “My dear, I can ensure our mayor will be fine. After all, it’s in my interest to keep her intact so I don’t have to do this job anymore and go back to mischief-making.”
“I survived a fifty-foot belly-flop into a pool of lava. Less than half that into snow is nothing,” Spike interjected, barely containing his growing enthusiasm. “Come on!”
Spike grabbed Raven as Mayor Mare opened the window directly above an enormous snow drift. Discord twisted his finger to do… something… to the space on the ground below.
“Let’s do this!” Mayor Mare said with more conviction than she’d had on anything in at least a year.
“Indeed, let’s!” agreed Discord.
Raven sighed and shook her head. “This is my life now.”
With that, all four leapt out the window, Spike in cannonball form, into the modified snow pile.