//------------------------------// // “Hello, Welcome to Mcdonalds, Home of the Big Mac, How Can I Take Your Order?” // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// (Shortly after Fruit hit Twilight Sparkle in the face) Twilight Sparkle woke up dazed, before glaring off in the direction Fruit Punch had left in. Never before had she met somepony that was… so rude. All the time, he doesn’t pay her, or her friends, any respect and he had just hit her! He knocked her out! Just because Fruit was now in a position of power does not give him the right to hit her! “Spike!” The former unicorn teleported the dragon to her, and he blinked a couple of times. “Write a letter,” Spike nodded and got ready to write what his adoptive sibling was going to say. “Dear Princess Celestia, it has come to my attention that Fruit hasn’t been treating anypony around Ponyville very nicely. Aside from school children, he hasn’t been very… polite to say the least. I am thinking we teach him the true meaning of friendship, since I, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, hereby request taking Fruit away from his duties in Canterlot to study friendship under my tutelage. Your student, Twilight Sparkle.” Spike then burnt the message with his fire, and it quickly wisped away to Canterlot for a certain Sun Princess to review. (Fruit’s POV)  So, Princess Celestia requested that I come and talk to her for some reason. Maybe she found out that I kept stealing money from random vending machines, perhaps she just wanted some tea, whatever it was, I don’t know. Oh well, it can’t be that bad, so I told my guards to stay put at my home(an order I know they will selectively ignore), filled up my timber wolves’ food bowls, and began trotting off to Canterlot Castle. I waved at a couple of my neighbors as I walked on by, purely because I was happy to be away from Twilight and her friends. That alicorn treats it like I can’t defend myself when I’ve accidentally become undefeated in singular combat. If you don’t count me tripping over a bush a loss for me, or my one on one with my hoof and a table leg. Listen, stubbing your hoof hurts more than stepping on a Lego brick. “Name’s Fruit,” I told one of the guards, and I was promptly let by. I trotted along, actually bought a bag of chips from a vending machine(oh my god, I’m improving as a person, admire me), and quickly made my way through Canterlot Castle and came to a stop in front of the throne room for Princess Celestia, and took a deep breath. She might be my friend, but it still feels weird to casually walk into a throne room and go. “Hola mi amigo! How’s it going?”  I opened the doors, which were unguarded for some reason, and wanted to immediately back out. Standing before me was the entire Elements of Harmony, all sitting around and chatting with each other. Twilight Sparkle caught a glimpse of me and gave me a smug look. Well, so much for getting away with knocking her out. Well, whatever Celestia will punish me with cannot be that bad. “Good morning Fruit Punch, how was your trip to Ponyville?” Oh great, Celly’s unreadable now. That’s not a good sign, since usually I can read her pretty easily. Well, I think I can, but it has been a while since we’ve chatted, so I think I’m just a little rusty. That, or I ran out of dandelions and can’t get high enough to become overtly intelligent and aware of my surroundings. I walked on in, making sure to stay clear of Apple Jack, who was glaring at me. “I’m doing well, Celly. Why the heck are the elements here?” “Well, they are here because Princess Twilight requested an audience from me. I have heard of your behavior to most of Ponyville’s locals, Fruit.” “I don’t even talk to anybody while I’m in Ponyville, Celestia. The only pony I talk to is Twilight, who keeps trying to get me to talk about changelings with her. Or Apple Jack because she keeps trying to castrate me, or Rarity who keeps trying to get measurements of me for some reason. Essentially the only people I talk to in Ponyville are the elements, and so far, only Fluttershy isn’t a nutjob, but I haven’t really even spoken with her yet.” “Does that warrant hitting Twilight in the head with a blunt object, Fruit?” “Well, it’s the only way to get away from her when I’m in Ponyville.” “I was trying to make sure you didn’t walk right into the Everfree, Fruit Punch!” “Madam, I wasn’t going in unarmed or unprepared, and I only got lost for a good five hours, thank you-“ both mine and Twilight’s muzzles clamped shut by Celestia’s golden, magical aura. “We will not be arguing like foals in this throne room. Fruit, in order to make up for your poor  behavior, you will be learning friendship from Twilight.” Oh god no. “In Ponyville.” Oh god please no. “For a month.” Celestia finished. Okay, where’s my gun? I am going to actually shoot myself before I even- fuck I forgot my gun at home. Welp, that’s fun, I am going to need a lot of sugarcane for this shit- “And you have to remain sober throughout your entire stay in Ponyville, Fruit.” My eye twitched a couple of times while Twilight’s grin got bigger and bigger. “And no magic.” “Oh… I forgot I had magic.” Twilight’s jaw dropped when I said that. Yea, that’s right, woman, I’m an idiot! Well darn, I have to use hooves, like I do for most of the time I’m awake. Boohoo! However, I will make it! A magic prohibiting ring was promptly put on my head and I gave it a poke. It was tightly hugging my horn, which was starting to get annoying, but whatever. “So, I assume I can’t just bring Chrysalis or my guards along, can I?” I asked. “You may not, I have already told Queen Chrysalis about this, and she fully understands.” (In Celestia’s bedroom, Chrysalis is tied to a chair with a magic prohibiting ring on her head. You can hear muffled slurs and insults being directed to Celestia from Manehattan) “Oh well, let’s just get this over with.” Little did Celestia know that me while sober isn’t a good idea, because now my ADHD is going to be worse than usual. Also, I’m way better at pretending to be nice(thank you customer service experience) when I’m sober. I just like not being aware of anything, hence my need to feel high all the time. All of you will know the torture that is Nice Fruit Punch, almost become a McDoanlds General Manager with his customer service skills, Fruit Punch. I will sell you a Big Mac, Sunbutt. The seven of us began to walk out of the throne room and I immediately reached into my butt pocket and pulled out a lollipop. “So Twilight, when’s my first lesson?” I asked before licking the treat as I stumbled along. “You… actually want to begin your lessons? Now?” “Yeah, I might as well get this over with. I can’t wait to learn to be nice to people!” Apple Jack rubbed her chin at that. “Ah’ have a feeling you might be lying, but you’re a bit hard to read, Fruit. Ah’m keepin’ an eye on you.” “Cool. When are you going to skin me for not liking cooked apples?” Apple Jack shrugged. “I was honestly thinking about letting that go. It’s clear that you have you- where’d you get that pie from?” “Found a McDonalds Apple Pie that’s almost a year old. Didn’t even know I had one of these!” I sniffed it and stuck my tongue out. “Okay yeah, I’m not eating that,” I said before promptly swallowing it whole. I did my best not to shiver as the foul, foul, old piece of shit slithered down my throat. Everybody around me gagged a couple times at my display before I inwardly smirked. Good luck you six, I’m unmedicated and sober.  We hopped on the train and I had finished my lollipop. I know, a very important detail, it was cherry flavored and delicious, thank you. I sat down next to Fluttershy and figured I might as well be nice to her, like genuinely nice. It was kinda hard to hate the shy pegasus, since she was actually really chill, despite her severe social anxiety. “So, how’s your day going?” “Good,” Fluttershy squeaked out.  “So, what’s it like being the living embodiment of Kindness?” I asked. I was kinda curious, to have your defining trait be made for you by destiny. “It’s… cool, I guess.” It sounded like Fluttershy wanted to talk more, but wasn’t super sure as to how to start the conversation. Everything about her, from her submissive body language, down to how she was looking at me screamed ‘nice girl, but very shy’. It’s probably a miracle that she was willing to talk to me anyways. “Say Fruit?” I looked away from Fluttershy when Twilight called my name. “So your first lesson when we get off the train will be showing kindness,” I nodded. “So any bricks that you may have, hoof them up,” I nodded.  “So uh, I kinda used up all of my butt pocket space on…” I pulled out a guitar and a portable piano that played notes magically. They were both impulse buys that I made at some point, and I was kinda excited to try out the piano, while I had minor experience in playing the guitar while learning how to play Bo Burnham songs for a talent show at my high school. My father called me a disappointment when I came in second. “So Fruit, I am going to quiz you with a few scenarios, and I want you to tell me how you'd respond.” I nodded again. “So somepony trips and falls, what do you do?” “Help them up and laugh about it afterwards.” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What? Unless it’s an old man or woman, tripping usually isn’t going to kill or disable somebody unless it’s from a three story building’s roof. You should’ve painted a broader picture. Because if it were an old guy, I’d see if they’re alright and probably get them some medical attention. If it’s a kid, I’ll check if they’re alright and comfort them a bit. I’m not a complete asshole, I just don’t like certain purple alicorns that try to suck me out of every single bit of information possible.” “Moving on, somepony looks sad, and you later find out that their mother passed away. What do you do?” Twilight, how did you just skip over me saying I didn’t like you? “Well, I am a really shitty therapist, so I have them talk about it if they want to. The road to recovery from grief is just letting out, or taking it in solitude. If they wanna be left alone, I leave them alone for a bit, and check in on them from time to time. it just varies from person to person” “Wrong! You’re supposed to hug them and tell them that they should move on!” What? Okay, maybe comforting the person isn’t too bad of an idea, but say this isn’t your friend who’s grieving over their fucking Mom dying. Chances are that they’ll want to be left alone. Twilight, what the fuck- also, telling people to grow a pair when their mom dies is a good way of getting punched in the face. “Next, you see two friends fighting, what do you do?” “Well, first, I check if they’re joking around or not, which is easy to do by reading body language. If it’s a joke argument, let it happen. If my friends aren’t joking, mediate, figure out what's wrong and help them find a middle-“ “Wrong! You’re supposed to tell them to stop!” What the fuck. That was basically what I was saying, but in a dumber way! Just trying to butt into a heated argument is hard to do you idiot- “So, your friend decides to do something stupid, and tries to talk you into it. Your response?” “Tell them they’re a dumbass and talk them out of it. I’m not letting my friend go jump off a cliff-“ “Wrong! You let them do that stupid thing and tell them off later!” My eye twitched a couple of times. This pony, the same one that prioritized research over her friends’ well being, just told me that if I got a friend who’s gonna stand in front of an incoming train for a prank, I should let them do it, and reprimand them when they’re dead because they got hit by a train. Twilight, the true epitome of friendship, ladies and gents. And then she wonders why I don’t like her. “You seem to have a bad grasp on being kind to your friends, so I say we have you learn as soon as we get off the train. How does that sound?” Twilight sounded way too cheery. “Didn’t Apple Jack try to kill me over not liking her stupid pie instead of kindly letting me have my own opinion?” “That was just family pride- I was just reacting poorly. It’s not often that somepony says my family’s secret recipe pie is terrible.” “It tasted good, but I’m a texture based eater, Apple Jack. Apple pie is just full of slimy shit that feels wrong. So I couldn’t tolerate it! It’s fucking good pie, I just don’t care for it!” I took a deep breath, before holding my head in my hooves. “Jesus christ, I am going to buy a noose and a chair as soon as we get off of this train. I would rather go back to Earth and work at a McDonalds than do this shi-“ “We’re going to need to work on your language. You swear too much,” Twilight said. “There it is, That Funny Feeling!” I sang while strumming my guitar. God, if this guitar wasn’t three hundred bits, I would bash my head in with this thing. I act like a dickhead to these ponies so they would leave me alone and this is where it gets me. No Fruit, do not sniff glue, you can do this! Customer service mode, activate! I sat up and raised my voice an octave. “Sure! What else can I do for you, your highness?”  The train came to a stop and we all got off the train. “Well, I’m going to get my library ready for your studies. I want you to stick with Rarity for the time being.” “Sure thing, your highness. I am looking forward to studying under your wing!” Twilight cringed.  “I don’t know if I liked you more while you were being rude or not, you acting like this… sounds off.” “Nope! This is just how I act while not drunk or high, your highness. My voice goes up an octave and I give a crap about how you’re feeling! I solely exist to make your day better!” I slowly turned to Rarity while keeping a giant, shit eating grin on my face. “So, how about we go to your boutique and get me measured! I’m sure you’ve been dying to get me measured since day one of meeting me!” Rarity’s eyes widened at that. When we got to the boutique, Sweetie Bell came running down stairs with a little drawing in her mouth, before gasping at the sight of me. “Fruit? What are you doing back in Ponyville so soon?” Okay, a child. I’m usually nice to children without having to do my customer service shtick.  “I’m just stopping by so Rarity can get measurements on me since I missed my train,” I said like a filthy liar. “Darling, please stop speaking like that, it is scary.” I raised my voice up another octave. “Sure! Anything else I can help you with? Should I-“ I was lifted up in light blue magic, and tossed out the door. I sat up and silently fist bumped the air as I got up and trotted two steps before being stopped by Apple Jack, who had a tray full of various apple treats- all of which were warm; more cooked fruit! “Oh! I assume you want me to take a taste test?” “Yup! There’s gotta be one dish with cooked apples that you don’t hate!” I slowly worked my way through each treat before rubbing my chin and smiling. “It’s all delicious, Apple Jack! I can’t wait to have another bite!” I said cheerfully. “Okay partner, where is the actual Fruit Punch and what have you done to him?” “I’m Fruit Punch! You can have Princess Twilight run a changeling scan on me just to make sure!” Apple Jack nodded with half lidded eyes, before leading me to the Ponyville library. Twilight was sitting at her table and she waved at me. After being prompted, I was scanned with a changeling detection spell, and then I sat down at the table. “So your first friendship lesson is kindness! First, open up your textbook and-“ she paused and her mouth hung open. “Open to page one…” I had already read sixteen pages after I sat down and was scanned it. This is all nice, telling me how to be nice, there were various bits on being nice that was genuine advice, while stuff like not telling your friend the truth about an ugly dress was perfectly fine. Isn't honesty the best policy, Twilight? “So, what have you learnt after chapter one of kindness?” Twilight asked. “Be nice to everypony, treat them like you would treat your family! Even if they just killed somebody!” Twilight’s eyes widened again.  “Fruit… What the hay? What happened to the same pony that had hit me in the head three days ago?” “I’m just being nice to a Friend, Twilight!”  Several hours later in customer service mode, Twilight was beating her head on the table while I complied with her and took a kindness test. And every order and command I gave, I even scrubbed her toilet squeaky clean! All with a smile and a happy attitude. As it turns out, blatantly answering most of the questions wrong on a kindness test got me an A+, which is pretty cool. “I. Can’t. Take. This! Fruit, you are being way, way too nice! What happened to you being an… an asshole three days ago?” “I’m just being nice for a friend, your highness! Can I get you a cup of water? You’re sweating a lot, and you’ll get dehydrated if you don’t drink something soon.” I paused for a moment and went on complete auto pilot. “Hello, welcome to Mcdoanlds, home of the Big Mac, how can I take your order today-“  I was now in Celestia’s throne room with a sticky note on my head… “Please keep this thing away from Ponyville,” Princess Celestia read before eyeballing me. “What did you do?” “I treated everypony around me with kindness-“ I was then promptly teleported into the dungeons, where I came face to face with Chrysalis. I dropped the customer service mode. “Chryssy!”  “Fruit!” Chrysalis hugged me very tightly as I buried my face into her chest. Well, now I don't have to speak with Twilight or her friends ever again! (Celestia shivered. Seeing Fruit being nice was very off putting)