I fucking hate soap. I don't care that it's clean. I don't care that it smells nice. It tastes like ass, and I am never going to touch soap again for as long as I live. Not gonna bathe, not gonna wash my hands. I'm not gonna do none of that shit.
Anywhore...
After Fluttershy had duly punished my mouth for its choice of words, a knock was heard at the door. She went to answer it, and I sulked under her couch. As I groveled, I heard a muffled conversation gradually growing louder. It finally became comprehensible as Fluttershy entered the living room, accompanied by three little sets of hooves. I bet you five bits I know who they are.
"Come on, Fluttershy! Pleeeaase?" I heard a young females voice pleading with Fluttershy in a country accent.
"I don't know girls. Angel hasn't been feeling himself lately." No shit.
"We promise to take real good care of him!" Another voice tried to reason with her, this one more "tomboy-ish" in tone.
"I'm not sure about this..."
"It's not like he'll be there all day. What's the worst that can happen?" The third (and youngest) voice rang out.
Applebloom? Check.
Scootaloo? Check.
Sweetiebell? Check.
Cutie Mark Crusaders: Troublemakers... yay...
"Oh... All right. But make sure to be extra careful! I'm not entirely comfortable with this, but I'm willing to do it anyway." Fluttershy paused for a second.
"Oh, Angel! Come out, come out wherever you are!" she shouted (a Fluttershy shout, dumbass!) in a sing-songy voice.
I knew exactly what she was pulling, and I wasn't gonna fall for it. I ain't no stooge!
"If you come out, you can have a carrot!" Damn! My only two weaknesses- Fluttershy and carrots! But I still had some fight left in me!
"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid! Make it three carrots and we have a deal." I shouted from my hiding spot. I waited for them to make the next move.
"Three carrots? But one will do nicely, don't you think?" If she thought she could sucker me with her sweet melodious voice, she had another thing coming.
"Four carrots!" Nothing like a good haggle to get the blood boiling.
"Four? That's too many Angel. I think one will be enough."
"You wanna make it five?!"
"Oh my goodness, no!" The four ponies in the room had pinpointed my hiding place, and had dropped to the floor to catch a glimpse of me. They may not have been able to see me, but I could see them. And trust me when I say....
D'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!
Each one had a pleading, puppy dog eyed look on their face.
"How about two?" Fluttershy asked with a sweet smile on her face. The "cuteness" center of my brain had a nuclear meltdown, but not before the trio of fillies had their two bits worth put in.
Their eyes grew even wider, and they put abso-fuckin-lutely ADORABLE little pouty faces on.
"Pleeeaase?" They asked me as cutely as possible. I almost puked up a rainbow right there.
All the cute suddenly turned into UglyCute. You know- when cute overlaps cute's integer and wraps right the hell around in ugly and then back into cute again? Yeah, that happened inside my head.
"Okay. Fine. I give." I gave a sigh of defeat and crawled out from my little cave. The Crusaders all gave a Crusader "YAY!!!!!!!!!!!" and ran out the door. As they disappeared into the distance, I heard them shout:
"See ya in a hour!" I looked to Fluttershy.
"So... Care to explain what just happened? 'Cause I'm kinda clueless." She proceeded to fill me in on the details.
Today was "Pet Day" at Ponyville Elementary. The girls had tried to borrow pets from their family and friends, but nothing had seemed to be workable. As a last-ditch effort, they came to Fluttershy to borrow me. Now normally, I'd be indignant and super pissed about how I wasn't being treated as an individual, but the Pegasus had me wrapped around her hoof, and I went along only somewhat begrudgingly.
XXX
Now I remember why I hate school. Fuckin people, man! Or- wait... I mean ponies... Using correct vernacular is gonna be harder than I thought.
Moving on to more important subjects! The day wasn't actually all that bad, it was just full of little colts and fillies asking me questions. I'm half convinced it was just to hear me speak. I mean, be honest- would you or would you not find it humorous to hear the voice of a 20 something year old man coming from a little bunny? If the circumstances were different, I would say so. Unfortunately, from the bunny's perspective, that shit ain't funny at all, and that brings us to our first problem.
Language. I never realized how often I say "shit" and "fuck" until I was surrounded by young ponies that were easily impressionable. It was a constant battle of me catching myself (sometimes too close for comfort) and correcting what little I had said into something less serious. In the end I barely won.
My next problem was finding common grounds. It was easy enough to answer the questions. The hard part was wording it in a way that they could understand. Remember, they're in the age range of roughly 8-10. That alone causes some subject matter issues. I mean, cracking yo-mama jokes and the like usually only got me a bunch of confused glances, and occasionally a dirty look from Cheerilee (who, for future reference, you shouldn't piss off in any way if you want to keep your ears in tact).
This only covers half of my day. Wanna hear the other half? Well go fuck yourself, because I'm not telling you a damn thing.
...
Okay, fine. You talked me into it. After my turn for attention had ended, I had to sit with the girls and wait for everyone else to get done. No problem, right? Wrong. So very very wrong. I sat with Scootaloo next to a weasel. A weasel, of all things! And I swear, that little rat bastard was BEGGING for an ass beating. Makin faces at me, struttin around like he owned the place, and producing some VERY obscene paw gestures. I never knew the toes on your paw could bend like fingers. I'll have to try that later.
Uh-oh. I gotta go. Fluttershy's decided that my behavior was "unacceptable", and now I'm grounded. Tell ya more tommorow.