//------------------------------// // So Like, Twilight’s Crown Got stolen // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// So, the Princess Summit, some nice, big fancy Princess meeting, that I had to come to for some stupid reason- wait, apparently Queen Chrysalis, you know, my girlfriend, also counted as a Princess to Equestria? Whatever titles she might have, such as the Princess of Bug, or whatever stupid titles, I don’t know. I mean, at the end of the day, I’ll probably ignore said titles and call her ‘Chryssy’. The whole thing really just boiled down to ‘I’m dating the Queen of a protectorate of Equestria, and so she registered as a Princess to Equestria by extension’. Can’t wait to be used as an emotional support pony for Chryssy, though. I began to rub my eyes as we got off the train. That hangover was still kind of affecting me, but some crystalized sugarcane seemed to have nullified the pain from the hangover. As we followed Twilight, who was apparently that Princess of Friendship I said I was gonna kill, and her friends we had silently listened to them talk about some stupid stuff. Such as Pinkie being Pinkie, which turned out to not be so stupid, and then Rarity talking about what the heck she would do if she were a Princess with a crown; wear it. Good job Rarity, great way to make Twilight even more uncomfortable with her new position. As much as I shit on the concept of a ‘Princess of Friendship’ now Twilight, somebody who likely has zero political experience,, now has to step up to the plate and be… well, a princess. Now she can’t be who she is in public, since she needs to keep a public image, and will be seen as a symbol of perfection. So for now, I won’t hit her over the head with a chair unless she is being incredibly stupid about something. I will hit her with a brick though, I’ve got a nice, healthy supply of those now. We all entered the throne room, Twilight was in full shock as a bunch of guards began to play some melody on a bunch of horns, announcing her very presence in. In fact, she seemed so distracted, that she bumped into a yellow pegasus, who then acted like a Princess didn’t just bump into him and announced her presence. Well, that’s when Twilight and her friends entered. Me and Chrysalis were told to wait a moment so that Twi’s welcoming party went over smoothly before it was Chrysalis’s turn and boy was there a clear favorite amongst the new ‘princesses’. As we walked by the guards, there was a lot less… emotion I guess? Going into the music being played for Chrysalis and I, and each guard seemed to give us the stink eye as we walked. It got so bad, that Chrysalis shrunk herself down to my height, and I promptly threw a cloak on her from a saddlebag that I had lying around(my butt pocket maybe magical, but it had its limits, such as thirty bottles of booze, eighteen bricks, a bag filled with various drugs and things to get high off of, one of the bootleg muskets I made, and pocket knife. Hence why I had saddlebags). Chrysalis thanked me, before keeping herself hunched over beside me, to not seem like the center of all the hatred. Oh right, changelings can sense emotions, so logically if there is just an apparent hatred for Chryssy, she knows about it. On top of that, it’s probably ten times worse because she can sense and taste those angry emotions. With that in mind, I wrapped a hoof around Chrysalis, since she was now shorter than I was, and kept her close to my side. Was this a bug that was significantly stronger than me? Yes. could I pretend to be stronger than her, and that I can keep her safe? Yes, why shouldn’t I at least comfort my superpowered-bug-queen girlfriend? So, instead of getting this stupid meeting over with, Celestia sent us off to bed, which I was perfectly fine with. “Yo Celly, is it cool if me and Chryssy just use changeling guards? We got a few just hidden around the place, and your guards seem… a little less welcoming of Chryssy. And before you assume that we will get lost, Skitter and Scatter mapped out the whole palace before we got in, so just tell us where our rooms are.” I whispered to Sunbutt, and thankfully, she agreed. Her eyes widened as she picked up the map my guards had made. “This has… every single secret entrance, hallway, dining room, everything, down to the location of the Crystal Heart with near-perfect accuracy. How… you arrived forty minutes ago by train, how on Equus did Skitter and Scatter map out all of this?” “Changelings share a ‘mind’ if you will. They all have individual thoughts, but they can hear every thought from their fellow ‘lings. They can also share sight, tastes, and smells through the Hive Mind as they call it. Well, they can share what those things feel like, not the actual- point is, changelings are awesome, and way cooler than pony guards.” That got a couple stink eyes from the Crystal Guard. “Yeah, I said it, dickheads. I know one of you idiots agree, since Scatter was playing with one of y’all last time we were in the Empire!” It was the middle of the night, I was stealing money and snacks from the Google branded vending machines, as any upstanding citizen does, as somebody in a cloak walked past me. They look like they were trying to be stealthy and hidden, so I decided it would’ve been best to ignore them; they could be attempting murder, but I don’t really care at the moment since Chrysalis had at least sixteen guards on her, so Chryssy was safe. Also, I doubt that anybody is going to be able to kill an alicorn any time soon. Not until I shoot one in the head, at least. A good five minutes later and the cloaked figure is running by me with Twilight’s crown, and Twilight starts running after said cloaked figure. Instead of helping out with chasing down the thief, I closed the vending machine to make it seem like I wasn’t stealing several hundred bits worth of money from the stupid thing. “Fruit, bucking, do something!” Rainbow yelled at me as she and the rest of the Elements of Harmony ran past me. I rolled my eyes and started trotting after them, brick in hand and… walking into a closet, where Twilight’s crown was thrown into the mirror that Celestia brought a month or two ago, and a yellow unicorn gave some cheesy villain tag line before walking into it as well. Well that’s probably really problematic, can I go back to sleep now? Nope, transitions to black- and now we’re in the throne room, where Celestia was talking about the yellow bitch from earlier; Sunset Shimmer. Turns out the nerd got mad because she put the work in and didn’t get immediate results… impatient, much? Anyways, Sunset Shimmer, in all her genius, evil scheming, decided to steal somebody’s crown with an ancient artifact built into it. Actually, why did somebody decide to stick the Element of Magic into a crown that can easily be lost or stolen? Well, this doesn’t seem to be my problem, but I’m going to follow these guys around anyways, because I don’t feel like being left out of all the action. We walked back into the storage closet while Luna began to explain that the mirror that Sunset disappeared into was no ordinary mirror, yadda, yadda, yadda, magical mirror, yadda, yadda, yadda, short as fuck three day time frame. Another dimension of bullshit. Why is Celestia and Luna looking at me? “We believe Fruit should accompany you to this other world, Twilight. He will know far more about it than you will,” uh, what? “But isn’t this whole crown thing like, not my problem?” “You let Sunset run right past you!” Rainbow jabbed a hoof in my chest, so I grabbed her hoof and twisted it. “Ouch ouch ouch! Let go!” I did as told and walked up to the mirror.  “So if context clues says anything, this leads back to Earth, or at least some whacky version of Earth that I’ll understand very well,” I said, before shrugging. I grabbed the bag of bits that I definitely didn’t steal, before nodding. “Alright, I’ll go, tell Twilight the basics, and then get some stuff I’ve been meaning to get for a while now.” Twilight and Spike walked into the mirror and I shortly followed suit- Why the fuck am I a teenager again? Great, now I’m gonna have voice cracks and some other bullshit. Spike’s now some weird bulldog looking thing… with green ears, a green tuft of fur, and he was purple with a white underbelly. Twilight, was now also a teenager, with purple skin, screaming at the top of her lungs after looking herself over. “Oi, shut up, we don’t want to cause a fucking scene,” I grabbed Twilight and stood her up on her feet. “Go check out that highschool, get some information, I’m gonna go to a pawn shop, pawn some bits off, and then buy a bunch of things to help us out.” Twilight nodded, before walking surprisingly well for somebody who never had two feet before. Granted, she walked like a drunk person, but she was walking! Great, now with that bitch out of my hair, I can go find a- oh why the fuck is there a pawnshop across the street from a school? And most importantly, why the actual hell does it advertise the fact that it sells guns? Fuck it, I don’t care, shooting up a school sounds like a really good idea. Luckily, I still had my wallet with my ID, so I still had human money, but these solid gold coins tell me that I’ll be leaving the pawn shop with more than I had. “Yo, how much will this go for?” I asked, dropped two hundred bits on the counter, and the store owner looked down at the pile of gold coins, and back at me. He rubbed his chin, asked for an ID, and blinked a couple more times when I produced one. “So, how much are you willing to pay for this shit?” “I’d say… it’s two hundred a coin,” the pawn shop owner said. “But I…” “I’ll sell all of these coins to you for about two grand, ten bucks a piece of gold, deal?” The pawn shop owner’s eyes widened. “You sir, are insane, and I like that!” He then forked over two thousand dollars in bills, which combined with my ten dollars, meant I could… go to a Walmart and just break into the school at night tonight. That’s if Walmart exists, if not, I’ll find a Walmart equivalent and buy a hammer- hey look, a functional shotgun for two hundred, with bullets! Wow, that sounds like a deal! I negotiated the price down to a hundred ninety, bought the shotgun, and hid it in a bush on the school grounds, which lacked cameras for some reason. Some minor exploration later and I found a hardware store, so I bought a hammer, a screwdriver, a sledge hammer, and a car battery from an auto store. That left me with well over a thousand to work with, so I could spend this on a nice, juicy hamburger, or be an idiot and spend it at a bookstore- I did both, so now I have a really nice hamburger and the whole Star Wars collection. That left me well, still over a thousand bucks. Man, it felt weird to have so much money on me! I also bought a fake crown to replace the real one with, just so nobody suspected a thing when I stole Twilight’s crown back. Anyways, nighttime was rolling around, and now the school building was empty. I don’t know where the fuck Twilight or Spike was, but I don’t really care that much. I snuck around, saw them through a window, making a bed out of some books, and oh hey, that must be the principal’s office. I threw the sledge hammer through the window and checked every closet- oh wow, that was easy, the crown was just sitting in a cabinet for some reason. Well, that made things way easier, so I’ll let Twilight do whatever the fuck she was doing in the school building, and go rent a nice motel room out or something… fine, I’ll check in all her from time to time, because it would be a bit mean to leave her hanging. The next day, I woke up and… walked into the school with nobody questioning why the fuck I was here. There were police officers standing outside of the principal’s office, with some Princess Celestia looking nerd giving them a scoop with the window broken. Ha, install a security system, dumbass. If you’re named Celestia, you just inherently have a shitty security system, whether it be some really stupid guards, or some other stupid shit. Anyways, I bought a safe last night and stuck the crown in it, so nobody, I repeat, nobody except for me is getting that crown back. Oh, I slept until noon, because it seems like a lunch period started- why are there- what the fuck? There are five kids, all of which look like the Elements of Harmony(excluding Twilight), singing and doing a fucking dance number. Bro, Twilight, why are you plaguing this world with songs about friendship and equality? Did this have to do with the crown? Because like, we can go home, Twilight. Actually, I wanna see what happens, so let’s just- wait, those teenagers are all wearing pony ears and tails. Man, it’s like there’s some benevolent god that wants you to think these are the same characters in another universe or something.  Oh that’s cute, everybody is joining in on the musical number, and wearing the same pony ears and tails. Twilight’s hard crushing on some kid, who looked a lot like the guard she bumped into back at home. Well, ain’t that cute, the kid’s got the hots for Twilight! Well, I might as well. “No, I’m not wearing that,” I backed away from one of the girls, who was trying to make me put on the ears and tail that I didn’t want to wear. “Hey Fruit!” Twilight said, oh great, the musical number was over, and now I can just sit down. Okay, I put on the pony ears. “Name’s Mob, Twilight. Ain’t a horse anymore, so I’d like to go by the name I used to go by. So, how’s getting the crown going?” I asked. “Well, I have to become the Princess of the Canterlot High Fall Formal, and so far-” “Everybody’s backing Twilight!” Not Pinkie Pie shouted.  “Wait, how the heck do you know Twilight? Ain’t she from another dimension or something?” Not Apple Jack asked. “Came through the portal with her, something about helping Twilight not get stuck in a sewer, blah, blah, blah” “So, did you get whatever you needed to help us out?” Twilight asked. “Yeah, you’ll be surprised once you win this whole Fall Formal. I got something nice planned out for the Formal.” “Oh my, aren’t you the dashing fellow,” Not Rarity then ran a hand under my jaw, which was supposed to be seductive, but just came off as weird and creepy. I grabbed her hand before she could continue. “I’d love to dance with you at the Fall Formal-” “Sorry lass, but I’m dating somebody already. And wouldn't it be fair to them if I were to cheat on them with somebody I just met, now would it?” Not Rarity deflated at that before perking up again. “Can you at least give me your number?” “Threw my phone in a lake.” “Phooy.”  “I’ll show up at the crowning of the Princess or whatever, I wanna see everybody’s face when they see that you fully flattened the competition.” On the third and final day, I put on a baseball cap and clip on tie before heading out to the Fall Formal. Can’t wait to see Twilight’s face when she realized she didn’t even win her crown! I grabbed the crown, which was nice and still in the safe, and stuffed it in a laptop bag I stole earlier, and wandered around the school building, while still making sure to be by the statue. Then I walked inside the building, promptly found the gym, and watched as Twilight’s jaw dropped as the fake, cheapo crown I bought her was placed on her head as her new friends’ jaws dropped. Twilight then came storming out of the gym with her friends, all of whom seemed disappointed up until Spike got stolen by a couple of idiots. We all chased after them only to find Sunset standing at the portal with a sledge hammer. She threatened to break the portal, which was made out of concrete, with a sledge hammer- fuck it, I threw a brick at the yellow bitch, which hit her in the head and made a coconut sound. “By the way, Twilight, I got the crown back two days ago while you were sleeping. You just looked like you were having fun with your friends, so I decided to let you guys have your fun.” I said while throwing Sunset Shimmer over my shoulder. “So say your goodbyes, lemme know when you’re going home and what not.” Twilight’s eye twitched a couple times, before her friends all hugged her up, before releasing the probably angry Twilight Sparkle.  The Friendship Princess said her farewells, and walked through the portal after snatching her crown back. I, on the other hand, threw Sunset’s unconscious body through the portal and hopped through shortly afterwards. I was debating on staying at the last second, but I got a Queen Chrysalis I wanna cuddle with and propose to at the Great Galloping Galla, and staying here would put a dent in those plans. I landed on all four hooves only to get tackled by Chrysalis while everybody else was welcoming Twilight. Sunset Shimmer got locked up in a bunch of chains and hauled off to the dungeons, and everybody lived happily ever after- just kidding! The show’s not over, bitches! I now have a fully loaded shotgun and it’s going to be everybody’s problem. Good thing I worked on making a bootleg version of a Musket, didn’t I?