//------------------------------// // I’m Going to kill the Princess of Friendship, Whoever They Are // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// So uh, for some reason the government shut down. Like Celestia, just in the middle of day court, shut down the whole government. As for why, I don’t know, but I don’t care since that got me out of a meeting I had to attend with Chrysalis later. As for what I’m doing now, with all the free time in the world? Well, I decided to see how far I could teleport and made my way down to Ponyville in a matter of seconds. It’s been like… three months since I’ve been here, so that’s pretty- why the fuck is Rarity moving a cloud with her magic? How in the actual fuck did… Why did she think moving a cloud was a good idea? Also why the fuck is Twilight dancing on a table, singing about how the day was going to be perfect, and nothing could go wrong? Twilight, look at your goddamn friend, who has your other friend’s cutie mark, and fucking fix said friend. Because uh, I don’t think Rarity should have Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark, if I’m being real with you. I mean, it is possible if you use a really sharp carrot peeler, but even then I don’t think that would work. Twilight finally took notice of what the fuck was wrong with Rarity and began running around town! Why was Rarity singing at the top of her lungs- I can hear Fluttershy singing in the distance, Rainbow Dash, the whole fucking bag of Skittles, singing as loudly as possible, like they’re trying to harmonize with each other from across town. It was kinda impressive given that they were singing a whole chorus with each other from across town from one another, but also, what the hell is happening? You know what, I don’t- Twilight barreled into me, and I went tumbling to the ground. “Oh dear Celestia! I’m sorry Fruit, I didn’t see you! Sorry about it, but I’ve gotta go!” Twilight stopped before rubbing her chin. “Celestia told me that you’re well versed in magic, right?” I shrugged, before nodding along. “So you might be able to help me out, come quickly!” And… with no room for arguing, Twilight grabbed me with her magic and proceeded to drag me through town and into Ponyville’s Library, and Twilight's home. While I recovered, Twilight and Spike dug through everything, with Spike doing most of the work thank you, and he quickly pulled out a piece of paper that looked like- it was a scroll. I don’t know what year it is in Equestria, but I can safely assume that scrolls were out of date, so stick to books, Twilight. “C’mere Fruit!” Man, absolutely zero bullshit with this woman, because I got dragged over again to see… a very, very complex spell equation.  “This looks like a Cutie Mark swapping spell,” I pointed out almost immediately. “Except instead of it being an illusion, it actually uh, swaps butt tattoos. That can’t be too bad right?” “Fruit, that is exactly why my friends are acting the way they are! A Cutie Mark marks who you are as a pony!” Twilight then went panicking, Spike in all his glory, suggested fixing her friends with a memory recovery spell, good one you dumbass. You know what? I don’t care that much, maybe there’s a bar open somewhere, and I can just… go drink some beer. I trotted out of the library to leave whatever the fuck Twilight did to Twilight, and almost got zapped by lightning. Rarity, if it weren’t for you getting fucked up by a magical spell, I would’ve thrown a rock at you. And would you look at that, she looks depressed. Oh well, she can’t take my measurements if she’s sad! Man, I am a terrible person, and I should probably help Rarity out a bit.  Instead of doing that, I found a nice tree to sleep under, and drank some booze. You know, thanks to the severe lack of heavy air pollution, Ponyville was a nice place to nap. The breeze was soft, pleasant, but refreshing. There was an alligator chasing somebody around for some fucking reason with Rainbow Dash following it, so the wilderness was nice. And the trees were- oh sorry, I almost took a nap until somebody started fucking singing again. Why the fuck is Twilight singing? Weren’t you having a panic attack not even twenty minutes ago? Like, congrats, you seem to be helping your friends for once, but can you do it quietly? Like you all can sing really nicely, but a man wants a nap, and you don’t deprive a man from his nap. Calm yourself down, Mob, shooting Celestia’s student to test out your bootleg musket is very illegal. Just find your happy place and don’t commit murder. Good thing I magically expanded my butt pocket, since now I can just stash some earplugs- Why is the singing getting louder? Now all six of the elements were hugging and… Twilight ran off, yapping about a magical spell. Man isn’t this a nice, heartwarming thing you wish you got to see, instead of some idiot getting drunk under a tree? I bet so, because finishing a magical spell sounds very, very cool and something I could do in the future. I hopped up from my spot and trotted after Twilight and her friends only for Twilight’s house to let out a very bright flash of light.  And… Twilight’s dead I guess, I dunno how, but she’s dead. I managed to climb up the side of Twilight's home, peeked in a window, and her friends were just surrounding a scorch mark in the shape of her cutie mark. All of them, I mean all of them, were crying over their friends’ death, and it was very heart wrenching, I know. Good thing I didn’t know any of these ponies enough to- okay, maybe I should do my job and be a bootleg, terrible therapist to these guys. Nevermind, they all left town and… it was already almost night time. Maybe I passed out after drinking that beer and woke up just before dusk. Oh hey, a shiny star with five others appeared and it slowly descended to the ground, only to make a huge, stupid flash of light which blinded me for a few seconds. The next thing I know, everybody in town is crowding Twilight and they all eventually part ways for Celestia, where she came from, I dunno, and why the fuck does Twilight have wings? Celestia does the whole ‘you’re my best student and I’m proud of you’ shit and… Okay, this is just a thing now. I joked about getting wings earlier, it was a shitty joke, but it was a joke. That’s seriously possible? Fuck it, now I need enlightenment so I can grow wings. I don’t know how to be enlightened, so maybe I could just sing? I think that’s all there is to it, make friends, sing a song about being a good friend, and then boom! You are god now! Or I shoot somebody and become god. That could work. The next day, Chrysalis woke me up at the ass crack of dawn, stuffed me in a suit she had bought for me, and dragged me all the way to Celestia’s castle. “You… need to trim your mane, Fruit, it’s always spiky and sticks up after you sleep.”  She ran a hoof through my mane and then turned her hoof into a brush… oh that felt nice. “But I like having my hair long, never got the chance to have it be this long as a human, so I might as well grow it out now.” “I know, but you need to look your best today, since Celestia told me some wonderful news!” “That Twilight is now an alicorn?” I asked. “Not just that, but Twilight will become the newest Princess in all of Equestria: The Princess of Friendship!” Chrysalis began to grin as she watched my brain melt into a puddle. Okay, what the fuck. Like, what does a fucking Princess of Friendship do? Wouldn't it be smarter to call Twilight the Princess of Magic? She was considered to be one of the strongest unicorns post ‘I spouted wings’ thing she did. “I see you are taking the news very well,” Chrysalis giggled before kissing me on the cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ve brought many dandelions to keep you mellowed out.” “Fucking-” we stepped through a pair of doors to reveal the Elements of Harmony all sitting around a table, chatting, while dressed in very ornamental dresses. Luna and Celestia were sitting at the same table, and it looked like they were enjoying breakfast. Okay, do not, I repeat, do not question why Twilight is going to be a Princess of Friendship, Fruit Punch, just… oh shit! A dandelion!” Chrysalis slipped a couple of those in my mouth and now everything is good again! “Hello Fruit, I am glad that you could join us, today,” Celestia greeted. “Yo,” I took a seat next to Chrysalis, or I would have if Chrysalis hadn’t promptly sat me on her lap, and rested her chin on my head. “Congrats on the wings, Sparkle, you deserve it,” I lied through my teeth, like an honest man would. In all honesty, now I was too high to actually care about what was going on, and Chrysalis constantly grooming me with her teeth felt really nice… “So what’s happening today?” I asked, while not actually caring about the answer. Chryssy snuggles, when Chryssy snuggles, you lose all sense of self, and become comfortable. “Twilight’s inauguration is happening today,” Celestia said. Everybody turned towards the new alicorn sitting at the table, stressing out over the speech she had to give for some reason. I managed to squeeze out from Chrysalis’s grasp, and slapped Twilight on the back, making her jump, and her quil went flying into the roof… and got stuck in the ceiling. Good job, Twi. “Quit worrying about the speech, kiddo.” “But- who are you calling ‘kiddo?‘ I’m older than you!” I shrugged.  “You’re like… twenty, right?” “Twenty three.” “Well, before I fell out of the sky and onto Luna’s back, I was twenty four. So I can call you kiddo, and if you are older, it doesn’t matter. You’re stressing out over your speech, which yeah, is important, but,” I grabbed the draft of her speech. “You’re going overly complicated with the words, which can lead to stuttering or just leaves people wondering what the fuck ‘enamored’ means. Just go nice, simple, but heartfelt. I would know, I’ve screwed up so many college presentations by trying too hard with the wording.” “But you aren’t making an inauguration speech!” “Probably not, but my experience still applies to this. Just stop stressing out, and you’ll do fine.” Before I could even continue, Chrysalis swiped me up in her magic and ooo, Chryssy snuggles! What the heck was I talking about again? Everybody was staring at me, like they weren’t expecting me to randomly give some encouragement and actual advice to somebody else. Good, I don’t want to seem smart, because that is entirely the dandelions talking. “Wait a second,” Twi began rubbing her chin as her eyes bore into me. “What do you mean by ‘before I fell out of the sky and onto Luna?” She asked. Welp, cover’s blown, might as well double down, and pretend like I’m not a human being. “Can’t talk, Chrysalis is grooming me,” I nuzzled myself into Chrysalis’s chest and started… purring. Didn’t know I could pur until today, but I’m not complaining. Chrysalis didn’t seem to mind playing along, since she was just happy to hold me while I was in apparent bliss. Twilight wasn’t buying it and neither was anybody at the table. “Aight, so I’m actually a changeling, a twenty five year old changeling that fell on Luna at the start of this year.” “Yer lying.” “Aight, I’m human. Well, I was human,” thanks vocal chords. “Fell out of the sky, fell right on top of Luna, and found out that I was a pony for some reason. Dunno why or how, but that’s not really of your concern. I’m surprised nobody questioned me about my weird sayings, or how I didn’t use ‘everypony’ or ‘anypony’ at all, but I’m not complaining. If I were better at acting I coulda kept fooling y’all.” “Fruit, we said it was illegal to disclose that information.” “I can just erase their memories afterwards, it’s fine.” “When did you take the time to learn that?” Twilight’s voice cracked. “I don’t see you use magic at all, and all of a sudden, you are suddenly well above average in raw magical output! To the point where Celestia brought it up in a letter at some point! And you could easily get a spot in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns with your range of spells! You figured out what Star Swirl’s spell did at a glance! When the hay-“ “I have a mental illness and have trouble falling asleep. So I might have borrowed a couple books from the Royal Archives, read up on some magic, and even learnt some magic training exercises.” Celestia gave me the stink eye and I chuckled. “I’ll put the books back, I swear!” Celestia nodded with a smile and we both laughed. Everybody blinked at mine and Celly’s weird friendship. Speaking of friendships, where the fuck is Sombra, wasn’t he and Celestia dating again? I peeked under the table. “Oh hey Sombra, my amigo! I thought Celly just tossed you out!” Everybody except Luna and Celestia gasped when they peeked under the table. “Sombra, dear, you don’t need to hide from Mr. Fruit.” “You’ve seen his mind, Celly! Do you not understand how mentally unstable he is? His thoughts are darker than the darkest of dark magic, and-“ “Dude, all I did was work at McDonalds as a manager. I’ve seen way darker shit and have heard awful things. Mostly death threats from customers because their sandwich wasn’t built the exact way they like it. Like your deepest, darkest thought was ‘slavery’, Sombra. Meanwhile, we humans used to practice it all the time and made it a sport to hunt escaping slaves!” I laughed. “Man, my species is fucked up, but boy is it good with making technology!” “Wait, what do you mean you humans practiced slavery?” Apple Jack asked. “Don’t worry about it. That shit’s pretty tame compared to the other awful shit we humans have done!” “His race caused mass genocide to a group of worshippers known as ‘jews’ before.” Everybody slowly turned to Chrysalis in shock. “What? I’m dating this little psychopath, I should know a few things about him.” Everybody except for Luna and Celestia scooted a couple inches away from me and Chrysalis, and I couldn’t really blame them. I took out a can of booze and sipped on it. Chrysalis and I booped noses and that elicited a giggle out of her. Sombra was now in Celestia’s embrace, keeping his eyes on me like a deer caught in headlights. Celestia, remained calm and cheery, and started to groom her… is Sombra still an ex? Also, again, how the fuck is he alive? Eventually everybody had their fill on the buffet, and we were shortly joined by Cadence and Shining Armor. For some reason, Twilight’s parents weren’t invited, so screw them I guess. Because your daughter randomly becoming a fucking Princess wasn’t important to be told about. Twilight gave her speech, which was long, winded, had the word ‘enamored’ in it for some stupid reason, and low and behold, she stuttered over a big word she stuck in her speech. So much for telling you how to give a speech, Sparkle. The crowd, excluding all the changelings that were interlaced with it, started cheering and ‘wooing’. Some of the stallions were trying to grt a glimpse at Twilight’s butt as she stepped down from the podium, and had turned to head inside the castle. One roar of applause later, I yelled ‘long live the king’ and threw a tomato at somebody before snickering on my way inside. ”Also, quit staring at the new Princess’s butt, you perverts!” I chuckled as a quire of stallions voiced their innocence in the matter. I fist bump Chrysalis, since she told me to do that.  “Now, let’s party!” Pinkie shouted at the top of her lungs. Before I could react, I was dragged and promptly seated at a piano and my brain began to fart. Why, why do you want me to sing again? I may have gotten a few pointers from Chrysalis, but I’m high and drunk, Pinkie! Fuck it, Here Comes the Sun, bitches. Wait, nevermind, I don’t know how to play that song- I took out a can of magically enhanced booze, with an even stronger hangover, and chugged it.  The next thing I know, I’m on a train, my head hurts, and Chrysalis is holding me again. “Where… the fuck are we?” I asked. “We are heading to the Crystal Empire, so we can introduce Twilight to the citizens there, and then we’ll spend a few days afterwards in the empire for a while, since Twilight wants to spend a few days with her sister in law. Then we’ll go home, and I can finally begin planning out our next date.” “We-“ I flinched as my headache began to hurt like a motherfucker. “Go walk around Canterlot, just through the park, and then maybe grab some ice cream,” I suggested. Chrysalis rubbed her chin, before kissing me on the forehead. Oh, that felt nice against my aching brain. Why did I drink the magical booze? I don’t know, and I don’t remember, “Oh, hey Scatter what is that?” Scatter hugged me and started rubbing up against me.  She had a crayon drawing of me being cuddled by Chrysalis “Mom told us, me and Skitter, that hugging you would help with your hangover.” You know what? It was! Skitter, wherever he came from, then laid his head on my shoulder and started to doze off. Oh for  fuck’s sake! There’s a Princess of Friendship… I’m going to hit that bitch over the head with a chair. Now to just aquire a chair to hit the Princess with.