//------------------------------// // This Isn’t Cannon(bonus chapter) // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// You know, sometimes I wish I did listen to my parents, not because I love them or want to make them proud, but because of shit like this. You see, I am currently being held by some crazy bitch that wants to make it so the sun never rises somehow; always night. You know, I like stargazing, but you know, as a living organism that eats meat and plants, I need the sun to not die. Man was this bitch insane, and probably really stupid. So this is how this all happened: woke up after a closing shift at Mcdonalds at a nice, crisp ten in the morning, stretched and did my morning routine. I then sat around the apartment, writing jokes for improv practice since I’m going to school for comedy and an actual degree in psychology. My parents approved of neither since ‘I wouldn’t become the doctor’ and promptly disowned me after I left to live on campus. You see, this all started at eleven in the morning when it was time for me to head out for my first class of the day. It was gonna be a lecture on the stages of sleep and then a nice, fun round of improv practice. That’s where I went wrong. Some magical nugget decided to say ‘fuck this guy’ and stuck me on a balcony, inside of a building for some reason. Filled with colorful horses, all of which could speak English, and all looked actually intelligent. Now, am I high? Probably. Am I confused? Yes? Will I know why I ended up on this balcony? No. Every single horse stared and murmured, wondering why the fuck some random dickwad(oh look I am now a horse. What was in the cocaine I bought yesterday?) was standing in place for some hoe named Princess Celestia. Cool, that sounded like somebody who got their ass kicked a lot in high school. “Oh my Celestia! it’s Nightmare Moon!” Somebody would scream and… low and behind, a pony with fangs, wings, a horn, and battle armor was standing behind me. She wore a dark blue helmet with a horn and reptilian eyes. Okay, maybe I didn’t do cocaine, but I had definitely sniffed some glue and passed out- okay I am being lifted up and crushed by a magical blue force. That’s when I knew this was real and I smiled with glee… I’m not in New York anymore, I’m in pretty horse land and I was also a horse! Best of all, I am no longer in debt to a college that really wasn’t helping me learn anything useful. Nightmare Moon shouted something about capturing everyone’s favorite princess and- ow, what the fuck? Everything went black for a moment and… now we’re in some ruined castle of some sort. “My apologies for threatening to squeeze the life out of you, but I needed to instill fear amongst my new-“ I tuned out Nightmare Moon as I noticed that the ceiling had a big ass hole in it… and wowzers, the night sky is really nice. Maybe it’s because this is the first time said night sky wasn’t outshined by all of New York City because people don’t like to sleep in New York. The moon was high and full, and the stars were twinkling a lot. It almost made me feel proud of being called a twink back in highschool. “...Are you even listening?” Oh right, psycho bitch that wants eternal night. “Wait, a pony who admires our night sky?” Nightmare asked in what sounded like awe.  “I mean yeah, it is nice. I wanted to be an astronaut growing up, but then my dad told me I was a failure and then proceeded to call me stupid for even considering that as a job,” I chuckled. “Man was he an asshole, but I now realize how smart you’ve gotta be to be an astronaut, and I’m definitely not smart.” “What is… an astronaut? Forgive us for not knowing what that term means.” “Oh, people who go to space for a job, humans usually. I dunno if you horses have spaceships yet, but if you do, then that’s pretty cool,” I turned to face Nightmare and… that was a mistake. There were gears churning and moving in the behind those eyes which probably wasn't good given how this lady was more psychotic than a literal murderer trying to get a free Big Mac from me.  “So thou aren’t a pony,” Nightmare Moon’s ears flattened and her head lowered. I’m no pony body reading guru, but even I can tell that this pony was a bit down in the dumps. “It matters not, I still have yet to make amends for kidnapping thou and holding you ransom,” Nightmare then raised her head and walked over to me in a surprisingly regal fashion. “Well, thou are quite the handsome looking thing? A bit rough around the edges, but I suppose thou will work for what I have in mind,” uh… “We want an heir, after I have fully conquered this land, I would like a child, or multiple children, who will take over for me once my deed is done. And you can-“ “Hold it, what are you even planning?” “To make eternal night,” Nighty said. What? Nightmare Moon is a mouthful. “Well, that is a really dumb idea,” I said casually. I ignored the glare Nighty was giving me. “So why do you want an eternal night? I'm just curious. I need to know so I can understand how to approach this.” “Nopony admires our night! Not a single, damned pony. I have spent so much time crafting a lively night sky for all to admire, and what does everypony do? Shun away the stars! Shun the moon! Hate me! Every single, damned pony hates my night and loves my sister’s day! My subjects-“ she dropped the ‘royal we’. Interesting. “Have even come up with such ridiculous claims such as monsters lurking in my night and are out to kill their children.” “How long ago was this?” “A thousand years ago.” “Ah, that would make sense. Back at home there’s similar stories, but the reality is, people and ponies came up with shit like that to keep their children in line. How likely was it that somebody would… get mauled by a bear while out in the woods? While at night?” I asked. “Quite a lot, a thousand years ago.” “So you would see why adults would tell their kids stuff like that? It’s to keep them safe. And for the whole eternal night thing, you mostly eat plants, right?” Nightmare nodded. “Plants have this shit inside them called chlorophyll, which really just boils down to ‘it makes plants green’. They become green so they can absorb sunlight that becomes said plants’ food. Essentially an eternal night would probably kill everybody, which is why it is a dumb idea.” “Oh…” Nightmare fell on her rump and looked so… so… sad with that being said. “We… see the error in our ways, but we are far too gone-“ I wobbled over to Nightmare(never had four legs before, fuck you for calling me clumsy) and grabbed hold of her muzzle with my hooves. “What are you doing? Unhoof me- oh that feels nice,” Nightmare began to pur as I rubbed her muzzle and flopped on her side. Wow, ponies here were like giant cats.  Anyways I kept petting Nightmare Moon until I heard a series of voices and…  “There you are- what the hay?” A purple pony looked completely confused. I would too if I saw somebody, who was apparently going to be a crazy, tyrannical dictator that can apparently make the sun never rise again, lying on their back while I her rubbed belly. Nightmare had her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth in pure bliss as my hooves worked up and down her body, rubbing in various places. Not in those dirty places, pervert. “Once we take over the world, thou will be appointed to-“ a flash of light happened and now Nightmare Moon was… a dark blue, smaller alicorn that looked less psychopathic. “As the  Royal Groomer, this feels nice…” Nighty said as she continued to lean into my hooves. “He… just… what?”  “Well, that was… not what I was expecting,” some tall, white alicorn appeared out of… wherever the fuck, and stood over me and Nigjtmare. The pony quickly realized and looked up with fear. “Sister! I-I…” she looked incredibly embarrassed, and shot a glare at me. I stopped in a heartbeat and chuckled. “Welcome home, Luna.” Ah, they hugged and everybody got to live happily ever after! Well, not me, Luna’s sister was now glaring at me while the six smaller ponies glared at me too. “So, explain to me how you managed to defeat Nightmare Moon?” Celestia asked. “I’m working towards a psychology degree back at home, and I pick up on ways to help people. Told Luna, or Nightmare why people didn’t like her night a thousand years ago, and then petted her for a few hours straight. Really, I won’t understand what the fuck was said, in regards to ‘crafting the night’, but I do know something simple; even the world’s smallest violin needs an audience, m’am.” “Well… thank you for saving my sister from the Nightmare, you have my thanks. Is there any way I can repay you?” “Nah, I only got sucked out of my dimension, snatched up by Luna, and then dragged here against my will. I only need to figure out how the fuck I, a human, can live as a horse, and probably find somewhere to live now that I’m no longer in college.” “Something will be arranged for you then… May I know your name?” “Fruit Punch.” (Four years later) “So, why did you turn into Daybreaker today?” “Some nitwit asked me if I could extinguish the sun.” “Ah, well, here. Lemme just say… go on fucking vacation, woman!” “Why? I have duties I must attend to!” “You told me you haven’t had a day off in… fucking centuries! Go on vacation! Relax on a beach, lock yourself in a room, do something relaxing!” Daybreaker rubbed her chin. “Okay… I will go on vacation. Can you at least groom me like you do when Luna turns into Nightmare Moon? It would help me feel a bit relaxed.” “Yeah, whatever. Just don’t set me on fire with your mane and tail and we’ll be good.” (Later that week) “We are here to pay our respects to Fruit Punch, he got set on fire by my sister’s hair, and died,” Princess Luna read off of a piece of paper before tossing it and running away while screaming. The paper immediately burnt to ashes and so did Luna. And so did everybody who attended the funeral. Chrysalis, Discord, everyone died. Thanks to Fruit making it so the elements never realized their purpose, Daybreaker now had free reign over the world, and it quickly turned into the apocalypse and… “And everyone dies, the end!!” Fruit said from within his coffin. “Good thing this isn’t canon, eh? At least I get a girlfriend in canon!”