“... and it turns out I was wrong”, said Luna, “nopony who loves pineapples as much as him could be evil”.
She took another bite, leaf-first.
Celestia’s eye began to twitch.
“Luna, what are you talking about?! You’re dating him? You said he wanted to kill me!”
“Oh, he does,” she said, nonchalantly, “but that, dear sister, seems like more of a you issue”.
Luna made to take another bite. Celestia smacked the pineapple out of her magic.
“Stop eating them like that”, she yelled, “You’re only supposed to eat the insides!”
Celestia simply turned on her hooves and teleported away, leaving Luna’s mouth hanging open and pineappleless.
She needed to calm down. She was feeling particularly Daybreaker-esque.
A trail of magic flew to her horn, and a scroll materialised directly on top of her nose. It was from Twilight, of course. Perhaps she had good news?
Primcess Celestia I was observign the human and he phased through the wall and escaped the castle! He’s boarded a train to Cnterlot
It was filled with spelling errors. It was not good news.
Freed from the petty constraints of “plot” and “physics”, PonyRunner flew high above the streets of Canterlot atop the luggage cart of a particularly irate unicorn aristocrat. He arrived at the castle gates in mere seconds. He was very careful to never look directly at it.
“This is basically the only combat segment of the run. Or stealth segment, technically”.
He dropped one, singular bit from his bit-bag on the floor, and grabbed it.
“The royal guards are… interesting. Not sure what Celestia’s paying them but it’s either not enough or too much.”
PonyRunner sprinted past the two guarding the gate. They seemed much more interested in the bit than him.
“Is that contraband?” said one, “What are you doing with that?”
“Even though we’re trespassing”, said PonyRunner, “it gets overwritten by the fact we’re holding something suspicious. And if we break line of sight–”
He ducked round the side of the castle, and shot the coin directly at one of the guards.
“What was that noise?” they both said, near simultaneously, “Show yourself!”
“… and now they’re too busy looking for the coin to notice we’re trespassing”.
He emerged from behind the wall, grabbed the luggage cart he’d flown in on, and approached the massive main doors backwards, very careful to keep them off-screen.
“Now for the out of bounds to get into the palace. Is this a palace, or a castle? Anyway, this is why bad-end runs are so fast. You’re supposed to do whole a whole late-game optional quest thing, where I think Sombra corrupts you and you become evil? I mean, Sombra’s literally loaded behind this door so I assume that’s what happens. But we can just clip through the door and into the cutscene because it’s always loaded. At all times.
“That’s why I’m not looking at the castle-palace, by the way”, he said, walking backwards and placing the cart at a 45 degree angle, “normally, when you press X on the door, it loads a completely different castle map. But the real castle is just... behind the door. For the final fight scene I guess? It’s really laggy, so I want to keep it off-screen as much as possible.”
He grabbed the cart, dropped it, and was through.
Canterlot Castle had seen better days. It looked almost pre-ravaged, with bits of black crystal sticking out of very surface at random angles. Piles of guards, dead or unconscious, surrounded King Sombra.
He was also T-posing.
“Oh, dear Sombra, did you think I’d let you have all the glory?”, said a, menacingly holding aloft the Black-Heart Talisman, which he, of course, had obtained as part of a long and arduous quest, braving the harsh winds and snows of the Crystal Empire. He had single hoofedly defeated a windigo for it, which you would’ve known if you’d been paying attention to the plot.
“Impossible!” screamed Sombra, as he disintegrated into smoke and swirled into the talisman. His horn clattered to the floor. a merely laughed.
It was about time he dealt with Celestia, and took his rightful place on the throne.
“This cutscene gives us Sombra’s horn and, for some reason, auto-unlocks the horn laser and shield spells”, explained PonyRunner, “they’re nice to have, but we don’t really have the mana to use them consistently”.
He didn’t have splits, but he could feel it. The Run. This was it. He practically (and sometimes literally) flew down the halls. Another quick launch and...
“Halt–” said a pegasus of the royal guard.
Before the pegasus could even raise his spear, PonyRunner levitated a box and, swinging his mouse wildly across the full length of the desk, threw it at him at blinding speeds. The guard fell to the floor. He threw the box again. And again. And again. And again. The guard was no longer moving.
“There are a lot of guards in the area up ahead. We can’t really take all of them at once in combat at this level. Luckily, they’re all really stupid. If we pick up this explosive barrel and throw it in this exact spot”, he grabbed the barrel and flung it down the corridor, “all the guards and civilians come running out to investigate that, instead of the body of the guard we just ‘knocked out’”.
And, just as predicted, a steady stream of guards, cleaning staff and dignitaries filed out of the throne room, all beelining straight to the source of the explosion, where they all milled around looking confused. PonyRunner simply galloped past, unseen by their narrow vision cones.
“I feel like leaving explosive barrels lying around your castle would be a fire hazard”, said Gage, “but I’m not a princess, so what would I know?”
“Coming up is the final battle with Celestia”, Gage continued, “this fight is extremely difficult casually, and we are severely under-levelled for it. PR has to have complete concentration, so I’ll explain what's going on”.
Celestia stood alone in her throne room. The Element-Bearers had been outmanoeuvred. Her sister had been corrupted. And a full half of her ponies had abandoned her.
She was undeterred. Anger did not behove her naturally comforting, kind and regal features. But the time for appearances had long since slipped past.
Contrary to popular speculation, Celestia was not all-powerful. Much of her alicorn magic was bound up in keeping the Sun shining. But, she did have a few tricks down her proverbial horseshoes. And royal guard soldiers waiting in the wings.
She held a sword in her magic. Why would a magical pony princess, wielding the power of the sun, need a sword? Coolness factor.
The yellow-coated, red-maned usurper entered the throne room.
She descended the steps. She knew why she heard boss music.
“I am Celestia, Princess of the Sun, and I have never known defeat”.
Except for Chrysalis. Twice. And Tirek technically. But we needn’t mention them.
She advanced on the usurper, and magically threw her sword forward. With expert timing, the unicorn dodged under the blade. Yanking a dark crystal out of the floor, he snapped his head instantly from left to right with at a speed that would’ve broken any normal pony’s neck, launching the crystal at incredible speed. Celestia had only an instant to shield herself from the attack. His methods were… unconventional. This would be difficult.
“PR increases the DPI on his mouse to increase the speed of launched objects to ludicrous levels, which will be our main source of damage in this fight.”
Celestia spread her wings and launched herself clear across the room, sword aimed straight for his heart. He raised a shield and barely blocked the strike, his horn sparking from the effort.
“Remember, we have un-upgraded mana and stamina. TK is the most efficient use of both in terms of DPS”.
Celestia blasted her wings forward, and herself backwards into the air.
Keep his eyes on me, and not on what was coming.
She charged her horn with the full power of the sun. At this signal of hers, pegasi lurking in the rafters pushed boxes, filled with explosively charged crystals, down onto the unicorn. Simultaneously, earth pony guards crashed through the windows lining the throne room and charged. She fired a lance of pure heat.
But PonyRunner jumped, grabbed several of the boxes in his magic, and launched them at Celestia. Unable to shield herself, they slammed into her body and detonated, blasting her backwards and taking a chunk out of her metaphysical health bar. But it would take more than that to kill an alicorn.
Instead, she redoubled her efforts, pouring even more energy into the beam as it swept across the unicorn speedrunner. There was a bright flash as the beam connected.
Everypony stopped. The charging guards skidded to a halt. The pegasi held their explosives. Celestia withdrew her magic.
The whole room was filled with smoke and the heat of molten stone.
“Is he–” an earth pony guard began, only for one of the explosive crystal crates to come sailing out of the smoke and bonk Celestia in the snout.
“PR deliberately takes a hit here, because it cancels this slow special attack and makes Celestia vulnerable– wait, you didn’t take damage?”
“If you dodge-roll into the laser, the game thinks you got hit, but you don’t take damage because of the i-frames”, said PonyRunner, “I’m surprised no-one else uses this strat. It’s really easy to pull off, even casually”.
“Idiots!”, she yelled, “why did you stop attacking?! What am I paying you for?”
“But… you stopped attacking too…”, said one guard, forlornly.
If you want something done right…
She flourished her sword, telegraphing her ultimate move.
“Everyone struggles with this attack, but there's a foolproof way to avoid taking damage.”
The sword whirled through the air as Celestia lunged forward again. He would not escape this unscathed. Every square inch of air was filled with steel and death. The cowardly unicorn began to run. She had him now.
“When she starts the attack, you want to run away for the first swing, then roll into her for the second swing”.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, Celestia readied the blade for a second dance of death. But the unicorn turned, and jumped, somehow finding the gaps between her slashes. He was behind her now.
“Impossible!”
Filled with rage, Celestia turned and raised herself into the air for one, final strike.
PonyRunner took one step backwards
She missed.
He picked up another of the conveniently pegasus-provided explosives and slammed it into her face.
“Then for the third, depending on where you are, you either stay still, or walk backwards away from her while locked on. If you’re next to her, just circle around her to the right and she’ll do the blade-dance in the wrong direction, and you can punish. Or you could just git gud”.
Celestia raised her shield, as the unicorn blasted her with a burst of magic, augmented by Sombra’s dark-magic-infused horn, forcing her back.
How was she on the back hoof?! Rage broiled and burned beneath her skin. She was losing control.
And why shouldn’t she? Why not lose control?
Why not become the better, prettier, and more powerful version of herself?
“At half health, she transitions to phase two. This is where things get interesting”.
“Imbeciles!” She she yelled, blasting back the unicorn and her worthless royal guards.
She turned her head upwards towards the pegasi, singling out one in particular. Her eyes had shrunk to jagged slits.
“Stop dropping garbage into the arena for him to throw at me!”
The pegasus’ eyes also shrank, this time to pinpricks.
“YES SIR YOUR MAJESTY SIR!” he yelled – cross-eyed – and saluted, dropping the barrel of – very explosive – crystals and crystal accessories directly on top of her.
But Celestia was no longer looking at him.
Celestia was no longer present.
Staring at the unicorn usurper with sun-scorched eyes, Daybreaker erupted into flames.
The crystal barrel exploded.
Useless. Everypony else was absolutely useless. Luna, Twilight, the other imbecile Elements of Harmony. What was Cadence doing to Shining Armor right now, instead of helping her? Disgusting.
“You little insect. You’ve made me use more than 10% of my power. How unfortunate for you~”.
She prepared to strike…
... and was hit with the full force of the explosion hitbox she had been standing inside for the last 10 seconds.
Daybreaker was blasted backwards with enough force to snap her throne in half and crater the wall behind.
“Oh my god. What the f– what was that? This is actually unbelievable”, said Gage.
Even Dash Guy was leaning forward, mouth open, staring with unbelieving eyes at the screen.
“That was like, 25% of her health bar!”
“I have NEVER seen that happen before”, said PonyRunner. It was a marathon after all. Had that hitbox been damaging her the entire phase transition?
There was no time for delay. PonyRunner had to capitalised on this blessing of RNGsus. He blasted Daybreaker with a quick lance of magic. He galloped forward, grabbed a piece of the throne, and slammed it into her head.
“Well, you heard it here first, folks.” said the donation reader, “new speed tech being discovered live at PGDQ!”
Everything under the sun was in chaos. The castle was on fire. Chunks of ceiling and wall rained down on the battlefield. Guards panicked and ran, or flew, for their lives. The situation was excellent for PonyRunner.
“Time is coming up soon”.
Daybreaker fired a lance of flame at the unicorn, who simply shielded and rolled right through. She teleported to the centre of the room before he could blast her with magic. But she was now in the perfect position…
The unicorn snapped his head up and fired. The chandelier, which had been hanging there in every season of the show, just slightly off camera, was severed from its mount and came crashing down.
“3… 2… 1…”
“And…”