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// I Killed Celestia’s Ex-husband 
// Story: So, Funny Story 
// by Nugget27 
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Holy shit, this place looks cool. Everybody around me is shiny, everything around me is shiny, and everybody seems to be scared of me and Chryssy. The only reason why neither I or the changelings in my company were in the danger was (mostly) Celestia and Luna. The other was the fact that there was a small amount of guards, pony and changeling surrounding Chrysalis.

By the way, there’s just a fish bowl type of thing, like at Canterlot during the weeks leading up to operation ‘Save Mom’(a legitimate name that changelings came up with for their planned invasion). Unlike the last fish bowl, this had a genuine reason, which is that it kinda acted like a greenhouse. Outside of the fish bowl is a cold, formidable shit hole.

In other words this place was in Canada.

Okay, not really, but it basically was. It was cold as fuck, like a whole human leg’s deep layer of snow on the ground. How the hell didn’t the train freeze onto the tracks? Oh, it almost did, but the wheels had some weird heating enchantment on it. I kinda got how it worked, but I’m just going to assume that you just make particles move faster to heat things up. Another easy solution would be applying some magical seal on the wheels; seals keep the cold out I think. 

Oh right, I’ve got shiny guards in front of me, and they were leading me into what looked like the eiffel tower, but probably taller. Celestia had a wagon strapped to her with a fancy looking mirror in it. Despite how much every single guard had offered, the princess refused to let anybody pull the wagon but her. Apparently that mirror was something incredibly important(dangerous), hence why the princess had chosen to move it so far up north by herself. After a little while, we were at the eiffel tower, and how the heck do we-

Oh shit, magical elevators. Well, I wish I had this back at home. Well, by home, I mean on planet Earth. I cannot tell you how painful it was to be stuck in an elevator for three days because somebody got their iPod stuck in the elevator mechanisms. Then nobody wanted to come and fix the elevator because… I dunno, I just remember being on the news for being stuck in an elevator for the longest time in the world.

Woohoo, I held a world record.

“Auntie Celestia!” Cadence, who looked like she was waiting for us, greeted her aunts. She then bowed to Chrysalis, who returned a bow of her own. Should I be bowing? I probably should, but like, I’m an honorary member of the Hive; I only bow to Chrysalis. Actually, even then I don’t since Chrysalis just demands that she uses me as a teddy bear and emotional support stallion. Oh look, I’m bowing, thanks body for working on your own since that’s how I became friends with Chryssy.

“Ah Fruit Punch! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you!” Cadence offered her hoof and I shook it. “I…” her eyes glanced at me and the Changeling Queen beside me, before they drifted back to me. What the fuck was she thinking? “Well, how have things been? I heard you got appointed as the ambassador for changelings, specifically Chrysalis’s Hive,” she said with a small smile.

“Oh yeah, that was pretty fun. First I get appointed as captain of the Royal Guard without my consent, and then I’m a politician without wanting to be a politician. On the bright side, I got two guards that are pretty cool. So, how’s Shining Armor doing-“ I ducked out of the way of a magical spear, likely made out of light, flew past my head. “Nevermind, there he is.”

“As sharp as ever, Fruit! Wanna spar before  we get into the boring stuff?” Shining asked. I took a deep breath before contemplating what could happen. On one hand, this guy could be very competent and kick my ass. On the other hand, I have my brick. The same one that I tried to beat Trixie over the head with. Also I have a better grasp on magic now, so that’s cool. Maybe I can just use a gun in the future; I’m gonna introduce muskets to Equestria in a few weeks.

“Eh, fuck it. If I get hurt enough, we’ll have to postpone the meetings anyways.”

“And you will not be able to make children, Shining Armor,” Chrysalis snarled. Shining Armor’s ears flattened as his eyes widened with the primal fear of losing your nutsack and being forced to watch it be cooked on a frying pan, and then being force fed your nutsack. A little too specific? Chrysalis apparently did that to somebody that killed one of her past lovers over honor. That’s what she said at least, and I completely believe in it. Like jesus, this woman is awesome but fucking brutal.

Also, don’t cross or hurt Chrysalis’s feelings, I like not getting castrated with a hatchet.

“So, about that sparring match?” Before I knew it, I was standing in what looked like a cavern underground. The group I came with, Cadence, were seated at a set of bleachers. I was standing around with a leather chestplate and my Brick, which I have perfectly named ‘boner’, in hand. Shining Armor was standing across from me in similar gear, but without weapons. Well, he did launch a light spear at my head, so he might not need a wooden sword to kick my ass.

Oh look, a wooden sword to use alongside my brick.

Luna, who somehow got a hold of a coach hat(which looked cute on her), stood on the side of the field with a whistle in her mouth. One very loud whistle later, and now I’m having a staring contest with Shining Armor. Neither of us moved a muscle. If one thing is to be said, this guy probably has a good defense if he defended all of Canterlot almost single handedly. Up until he had to take a dump at least. And Shining Armor thinks I wait for my opponent to make a mistake, so he’s just gonna sit over there like I was sitting over here.

In other words, I will- I dodged a light arrow which promptly crashed into Boner the Brick and shattered him into a million pieces. I paused as my eyes glued onto my most prized possession and pet rock, which was now nothing more than a pile of dust on the floor. My eyes fell to my hooves as I side stepped another light spear. I blinked a couple times and everything went black. I only got a small glance at reality here and there, but it was a very hazy thing that was happening.

The next thing I know, I’m being pried off of an unconscious Shining Armor, who’s horn had impaled my wooden sword. I was now being suspended in the air by a yellow, almost golden, magical aura. I didn’t care though, since I just won our little sparring match! Wait a second, I just kicked the highest ranking officer in all of Equestria’s military while not even aware of what I was doing. Oh well, I did this for one reason, and one reason only.

Boner, my favorite brick, you have been avenged.

“Fruit,” I looked up at Celestia, who was looking down at me with a slight frown. She spun me around so I was now facing her, and was at eye level with her. “Why did you beat Shining Armor over the head with a wooden sword for ten minutes straight?” She sounded more amused than anything. “And why did you shove part of his leather chestplate in his mouth?” She then began to tell what had actually happened while I was zoned out:

So it turns out I dodged another light spear and then made a mad dash for Shining Armor. I dodged several other magical projectiles and got into a short melee bout with the stallion. Some punches later, and Shining tries to defend himself with a shield, which he woulda done had I not plowed into him and started beating his ass with a wooden sword. Holy shit that sounded awesome. Good thing I wasn’t conscious to realize what the hell I just did.

“Weren’t we sparring?”

“Sparring isn’t bashing a blunt object into the side of your opponent’s head for ten minutes straight. Shining is very lucky that he had a leather helmet, or he would’ve gotten a concussion,” I watched as Cadence panicked as she pushed a medical bed out of the training grounds with her unconscious husband strapped to it. Jesus, I think I did a little more than just beat the guy over the head.

The captain’s whole coat was messy and the leather chestplate was wearing was gone. His entire body was littered with bruises, some sharpie had been scribbled onto his muzzle that read ‘Get fucked, pussy boy’. And the wooden sword was still stuck on his horn, which was probably why he was unconscious. I did just bash a very sensitive muscle in with a wooden sword apparently.

“Worry not, Shining Armor only received minor injuries, but please refrain from kicking his ass so badly in front of Twilight Sparkle. She will gut you if she finds out that you had beaten her brother so quickly, and then rip your head off for beating up her brother.” I nodded before promptly swept up in a green, magical aura and hugged by Chrysalis.

“Watching you beat Shining Armor like that was very attractive. How did you… go so feral?”

“He killed my pet brick.” Chrysalis blinked a couple times before deciding that my logic made no sense at all. The Queen holstered me on her back and began to trot after the rest of our group, who seemed genuinely concerned about Shining Armor. Chrysalis on the other hand, happily hopped and skipped with me in tow, and even blew a raspberry at the unconscious stallion as she blew past them.

So, as it turns out, I kicked Shining Armor’s ass so hard that we had to postpone a couple of days, so that’s cool. Somehow I didn’t get into any trouble for kicking said ass, so that’s cool. On the bright side, thanks to how postponed everything is now, I get to go out and explore the Crystal Empire, which is what I’m doing because Cadence is kinda mad at me for beating up her husband, so I plan on staying away from her.

I also might have spiked her tea earlier so she’ll be out cold by the time I get back. Make sure to drug your superiors, kids, it saves your ass from the ass beating of a lifetime(disclaimer, do not drug people, it’s bald).

Also, a letter was sent to Twilight and Shining Armor’s parents, and Twilight herself about the whole situation. I’m going to get turned into a chalk outline when I meet that unicorn again. For as much of an egghead as Twilight is, she happens to be insanely talented with magic in terms of raw power and then in the range of spells she has under her belt. I don’t know where the fuck I would stand amongst other unicorns in terms of raw power or spell knowledge, but it’s safe to assume I would be the equivalent of a grenade in comparison to a nuke if I were to fight Twilight Sparkle.

Then again, I did just beat Shining Armor in a blank rage of fury, so maybe I can do the same to Twilight. Then Celly would kick my ass for beating her favorite student up.

Also, I’m in some library reading a history book. Did you know that some asshat decided to dabble with dark magic and then essentially became pony Hitler? Probably, but let’s assume you didn’t. Also turned out that the whole news article, that I read before Skitter made the crime that is baking pineapple directly into the crust of a pizza, was about how pony Hitler got his ass handed to him by Twilight Sparkle and her friends. So that’s a pretty cool thing.

Another cool thing I learnt is that despite Sombra, or Pony Hitler, being defeated twice, he still isn’t actually dead. There’s just some weird dark magic he uses whenever he gets really close to dying that just keeps him going. Wow, nobody likes to read their history books here, do they? Like there’s at least seventeen doomsday-causing-demons and monsters. Somehow Sombra, you know, might potentially be a genocidal maniac, was labeled as a ‘minor threat’ meanwhile, a magic eating Centaur rated as ‘really bad, make sure it dies’ threat. For some reason, Sunny left the magic eating Centaur alive in a magically enchanted cage at the bottom of some pit somewhere. 

Celly, we are going to have a chat, and I’m going to make a couple pipe bombs. Despite everything here being kinda dangerous, most, if not all of them(excluding some fucker named Discord) were actually mortal, which meant I can do what humans do best: Show up, kill everything, and leave. Oh hey, there’s a page here about humans under the ‘theoretical dangers’ and boy is it understating how fucked up we are as people. Like how, due to a human’s inability to use magic, makes them easy to defeat.

Like bitch, we humans learnt how to harness the same shit that fuels the sun, and we kill each other over Subway sandwiches having too much mayo on it. You know, living in magical pony land really did make me see just how fucked(and fucked up) we humans are as a species. Like I literally just beat up a government official and get off scot free. If I were to mildly anger some guy over how I built a sandwich at work, then there’s a slight possibility that I will end up in a body bag in some ditch somewhere.

I mean, Ponies being really lax with their punishments is also bad, since apparently there’s just the equivalent of Satan in a hole somewhere. 

My whole studying thing is also just a way of avoiding Princess Luna, since I could start dating her, but Chrysalis is also kinda tempting, not gonna lie. The problem with this is that I don’t want to date multiple people at once, since that just doesn’t sit well with me. Yeah, harems, or herds as ponies call them, are cool and all, but I don’t find them cool. Like, imagine you’re marrying the literal goddess of the moon one moment, and then you date some unicorn that got banished to another dimension for three years. But at the same time!

That’s right Page, I see you, dickhead.

Now, the problem with me actually considering Luna is that I would be choosing her over Chryssy. I’ve come to terms that I’ll probably never see another human in my life, so I might as well try dating ponies, but like there’s only three females that I actively talk to. Celestia, Chrysalis, and Luna. The fuckers who can kill people with rainbow beams don’t count, they’re a bunch of psychos. Dating one of any of the possible options would have its ups and downs, for instance, Celesta was actually warmer than Luna and Chrysalis in terms of body heat. Luna had softer fur, and Chrysalis was incredibly cuddly. 

The only problem is that Celly definitely isn’t interested in a relationship at the moment, and I know that the other two options have a crush on me. Maybe I should just do a disappearing act and not be seen again for seventy-seven years, since then I’ll be basically dead. Like I would feel bad for choosing either Luna or Chrysalis over the other, and then promptly stick a pipe bomb(since I don’t have a gun) in my mouth after lighting it. Fuck it, I might just go with Scatter, she’s adorable, and… nah. I’ll just date somebody, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be sad, but I know it won’t work out.

I’ll start with Luna since I do kinda owe her for literally crushing her.

Also this history book lays out where the fuck Sombra used to sleep, which apparently wasn’t guarded at all. As for why it isn’t, you ask me that and expect an answer? Like dude, I don’t know why half the doomsday things exist or why they aren’t just heavily guarded. But I know the place isn’t very well guarded because I just walked into what was presumably Sombra’s chambers to get a good look into what this guy was like.

Oh hey, a dark gray unicorn was just waking up- wait what? His horn was curved and tipped off in red, and he had a silver crown on his head. His eyes shot open and revealed blood red eyes; it was Sombra.. I think it was at least. Okay wow, whoever the fuck kicked this guy’s ass did not do that good of a job if he still has a physical body and isn’t just some sorta spirit type of thing again. “Ah, so a pony has come, willing to sacrifice his magic to fuel me on my plot for revenge?” He paused and tilted his head. “No, I can sense how dark your heart is, perhaps you’ve come to join forces with me on my conquest to bring the world to its knees!

Wat?

“Tell me your name stallion, for I can reward thee with power of your wildest imagination! An entire country at your knees! All you’ve got to do is say the word and swear your allegiance to me!” Before I could even react, the guy brought his horn up to mine and there was some flash of light. “Oh sweet Celestia! What in Tartarus is wrong with you!” Oh, this is a thing that’s happening. “H-how, how is your mind so dark?” Sombra began to back away from me, like a cornered animal; he was scared.

“Worked as a manager at Mcdonalds-” Sombra began to laugh like a maniac as he tried to suck me dry of… I think it was dark magic, only to blink a couple of times when nothing came out. “Oh right, I don’t use dark magic, nor do I know how to use magic, I’m just a human being. Whatever dark, whacky shit you could come up with, we’ve probably topped you. Look,” with that I pulled out a piece of paper.

“Get it away from me! I take it back, I no longer wish to rule Equestria!” One flash of light later and he was nothing more than a skeleton. Jeez man, I only showed you a piece of paper that was enchanted to show your worst nightmares, which was just Celestia in a nice sundress with a pink mane and tail(which was kinda cute), pussy. Man, fuck Twilight and her friends’ tie ins to magical artifacts, all you gotta do is have a human brain. On the bright side, I now know that I am very scared of ponies dressed in leather, not leather armor, just leather suits. I’m going to go find Scatter or Skitter and ask them to turn into something to bleach my eyes out.

Oh hey a set of divorce papers! Ah fuck, I just made Celestia’s ex-husband kill himself.