It was an early morning. Metal grinding filled Grey's ears as the transition seal slid open. Twilight and Spike were waiting for him at topside. They saluted each other, and proceeded into town. There wasn't a cloud in sight. Grey took a deep breath, filling his lungs with crisp, clean air. Down in the site, it was just carbon dioxide recirculated through a greenhouse. It was no substitute for "true air" as the rookies called it. As they entered the town, there wasn't a pony in sight. Not even the perimeter guard. Grey was displeased with them, but confused about everyone else. "Where is everypony? Do you guys have some kind of holiday?" Twilight thought for a bit.
"Not that I know of." Spike began to consider possibilities.
"Is it... ZOMBIES!?"
"No. The guard would have alerted me."
A faint voice. "Twilight! Spike! Grey!" It was Pinkie Pie's voice, coming from Sugarcube Corner, the bakery.
"Pinkie? What the hell are you doing?"
"Come here! Hurry! Before she gets you!"
"Pinkie Pie, who are you talking about?"
She looked around, and muttered "Her."
The group slowly moved into the building. The rest of their friends, along with the perimeter guard, were already in there. He noticed that Applejack brought her little sister. What was her name? Apple Seed? No, that's not it. Apple Blossom? No. Whoever she was, she looked scared.
"Did you see Zecora?"
"Apple Bloom! I told you to never say that name."
Ah, that was it. Apple Bloom. "Who is Zecora?"
"Over there."
Grey looked out the window. A robbed equine was poking at the earth. She removed her hood, showing a pattern of black and white stripes. Grey released a sigh of relief. "She's not a monster. She's just a zebra. They're equines found on earth, and they don't pose a threat."
Rarity did not seem convinced. "Just look at those stripes, so garish."
"Those stripes aren't a fashion choice, she was born with them." Rarity fainted as Grey continued to talk.
"You know, on Earth, we have an important lesson about not judging a book by it's cover. You should never think that you know someone without actually knowing them. How can we be sure she's not on our side?"
Applejack spoke. "She lives in... The Everfree Forest." A crash came from the kitchen, and made everyone jump.
"Spike!"
"That's where our base is. If she was doing anything significant, our sentry posts would have found her and alerted us. I know you all have certain... suspicions about the forest, and from our findings, they are not unwarranted. But nothing is pure evil. There is evil in good, and good in evil. Remember the Ursa? It was just angry that those two morons woke it up. We should at least speak to her." The ponies murmured amongst themselves. "If you still believe that she's hostile after that, I will detain her immediately."
Applejack did not seem convinced. "Ahm sorry Grey, but the Everfree forest just ain't natural. The plants grow..."
Fluttershy continued. "Animals care for themselves..."
Rainbow followed. "And the clouds move..."
They finished in unison. "All on their own."
At least those fears were somewhat justified. "Back on earth, that's completely normal. To me and the other humans, the rest of Equestria isn't natural. And besides, just because someone lives in a strange place, that doesn't mean they're evil."
Pinkie Pie reacted. "Oh she's evil alright, she lives there in the forest doing her evil... stuff! She's so evil, I even wrote a song about her."
"NO! DON'T YOU-"
"She's an evil enchantress
She does evil dances
And if you look deep in her eyes
She'll put you in trances
Then what will she do?
She'll mix up an evil brew
Then she'll gobble you up
In a big tasty stew
Soooo... Watch out!"
Grey raised his pistol. "Never sing that again." The group continued to act as if Zecora was a war criminal. Twilight and Apple Bloom were the only ones acting with logic. "Listen! You're all acting irrationally. This fear of her that you have is completely unjustified."
Pinkie Pie got uncomfortably close to him. "Well, I heard that Zecora eats hay."
Grey pushed her back. "Are you fucking serious? YOU eat hay! Twilight eats hay! Everypony eats hay!"
Pinkie got close to him again. "Yeah, but I heard it's the evil way she eats hay!"
Grey shoved her again. "If someone pushes you away from them, it means I don't like you being that close, not do it again."
"Wait, where's Apple Bloom?"
Grey looked over, to see an open door. "She went to pursue Zecora. We need to find her."
"So you admit it?"
"No. I still hold a neutral opinion on Zecora. But the forest is filled with dangers a little filly is incapable of dealing with."
After ~10 minutes, the group galloped ahead. "Hey! Wait for me!" Grey heard them shouting in the distance.
"Apple Bloom! You get back here right now!"
"Beware! Beware, you pony folk! Those leaves of blue are not a joke!"
Grey pushed himself up, and saw something horrible. They were standing in a field of blue flowers. "GET OUT OF THERE!" The group quickly backed out. Grey raised his pistol at Zecora. "You are being detained for questioning! Do not resist!" Zecora backed into the fog.
"Beware! Beware!"
Grey fired a warning shot. The zebra did not respond. Grey grabbed his radio. "Doctor Bright, prepare 6 Class-E holding cells. Twilight and her friends have been contaminated."
The group seemed very panicked, ranting and raving about the zebra cursing them. He approached to explain what had happened, but Twilight beat him to the punch.
"You guys, there's no such thing as curses!"
Rainbow did not seem convinced. "Well, that's interesting to hear coming from Miss Magic Pants herself."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "My magic, real magic, comes from within. It's a skill you're born with. Curses are artificial, fake magic. They're conjured with potions and incantations; all smoke and mirrors meant to scare. But they aren't real, they're just old pony tales."
Grey finally spoke up. "Twilight, while they may be old pony tales, Nightmare Moon was also an old pony tale. How'd that work out? And-"
He tried to explain SCP-JOKE, but everyone was arguing, and took no notice.
The next morning, Grey went to observe the group. Twilight's horn was limp, as if it was a numb arm. Pinkie Pie's tongue protruded from her mouth. Rarity's hair had grown to a level that inhibited her ability to see. At first, it seemed like Applejack wasn't in her cell, but then he saw that she had somehow shrunk to the size of a caterpillar. Fluttershy and Rainbow had no clear changes. Then Rainbow tried to take flight. She quickly lost her balance and crashed. Okay, that answered that. Still, Fluttershy looked fine. He decided to enter the cell and check on her.
"Good morning Fluttershy."
She was quiet.
"Did you sleep well?"
She nodded.
"Are you feeling okay?"
She nodded.
"You're pretty quiet, even for yourself."
She was quiet.
"I can't see anything wrong with you. Were you unaffected?"
She shook her head.
"Well, what happened?"
She was quiet.
"Flutters, we're friends. You can tell me anything."
A deep, masculine voice came from her mouth. "I don't wanna talk about it."
He was not expecting that. He released the group from their cells, and they immediately took notice of each other. They began arguing about curses and hexes. Twilight dashed to the archives and tried desperately to find a natural explanation. "There has to be some reason for this! An illness? An allergy?"
Spike ran over to her with a book. "How about this?"
"Supernaturals? Spike. The word supernatural refers to things like ghosts and spirits and zombies, which are as make-believe as curses. This book is just a bunch of hooey!"
Spike seemed doubtful. "But what if you're wrong Twilight? What if this really is a-"
Rainbow crashed into the bookshelf. "I think we'll find a cure to this curse at Zecora's place."
Twilight and Grey groaned. "It's not a curse!"
The group's discussion devolved into shouting. Eventually, Rainbow Dash voted to confront Zecora. At that moment, they noticed that Applejack and Apple Bloom were gone. Grey formed a small assault team and rushed into the forest. Rainbow flew ahead. After half an hour, they came to a building in the base of a tree. The soldiers moved ahead and looked through the windows.
"PID on target. I don't see Apple Bloom anywhere."
The ponies advanced to join the soldiers. Rarity brushed her hair aside. "Nice decorations, if you like creepy!"
"They're likely a part of her tradition. Natives in Hawaii made Tiki masks to represent their gods. They believed they improved produce and protected their homes."
The zebra entered the hut and approached a cauldron. She poured something into it, which caused it to bubble. She proceeded to speak something in her native tongue. Pinkie Pie seemed shocked. Through her bloated tongue, Grey heard her say "She stole my song!"
Twilight looked over at her. "Pinkie, that doesn't sound anything like your song."
Pinkie wanted to start singing, but Grey flicked open his holster. She took the hint.
Rarity turned towards him. "You saw those terrible things. Now do you believe us Grey?
Grey was beginning to doubt himself. "We have to wait and see what she does. We don't want to be attacking an innocent."
Zecora tasted the liquid in the cauldron. Grey was relieved to finally have found an answer. She was just cooking a meal. Then she spoke. "Mmm. The perfect temperature for ponies, I presume. Now, where is that little Apple Bloom?"
The situation had just gone from 0 to 100 faster than he could have anticipated. "Oh fuck! Go! Go! Go!"
The team kicked down the door and ran in.
"SCP! Freeze!"
"Don't you fucking move!"
"Get down on the ground!"
She began to panic in her native language. Grey ran towards her and held his pistol to her head.
"Where the fuck is Apple Bloom!? Answer or you die!"
"No! No! You do not understand! This situation is getting out of hand!"
Rainbow Dash flew in through the open door, with a tiny AJ being flung off her back. She collided head first with an agent, who fell over onto the cauldron, spilling the contents. Grey ordered everyone back from the spill due to potential toxicity.
"No! You know not what you do! You've gone and spilled my precious brew!"
Grey returned to holding his pistol at her head. "You fucking psycho! I didn't want to have to do this, but your actions are unforgivable."
She seemed offended. "How dare you! You destroy my home, destroy my work, then rudely accuse me of being a jerk?"
"Where. Is. Apple. Bloom?"
A familiar voice from behind. "Zecora! I think I found all the things ya asked for. What in Ponyville is goin on here?"
Grey turned around. There was Apple Bloom, completely unharmed. He was relieved that she was okay, but worried about her presence in the AO. "Apple Bloom, I want you to run back the way you came. Run, and don't stop. You're in danger here."
A look of confusion. "From what?"
Twilight jumped in front of her. "Because Zecora's an evil enchantress who cursed us all and was gonna cook you up into soup!
Apple Bloom and Zecora burst into laughter.
"Oh Twilight. Did those silly fillies finally get in yer head? You know there's no such thing as a curse."
"Apple Bloom, sweetie, you can't stand there and tell me this isn't a curse."
"This isn't a curse."
Zecora, with guns still fixed firmly on her, joined the conversation. "If you will remember back, the words I spoke were quite exact."
"It was a warnin. About that blue plant. It's called Poison Joke."
Grey motioned for the guards to lower their guns. 2 hesitated. 2 complied. "I tried to tell you all. It was the first SCP we found in this world." He loaded the file on his PDA, and held it for them to see. He walked over to Zecora. "This is what you were talking about, yes?"
"That plant is much like poison oak. But its results are like a joke. This plant does not breed wrath, instead it just wants a laugh."
Grey explained. "It gets into your DNA and alters it while you sleep. It makes you look like a fool of yourself. Zecora had nothing to do with it." He turned to Zecora. "Please accept my apologies for our rash behavior."
Rarity interjected. "What about the mysterious chanting?"
"The words I chanted were from olden times. Something you call a nursery rhyme."
Grey resumed his conversation. "If I may, what was in the cauldron?"
Apple Bloom spoke for her. "That was for these here ingredients I got for her. The cure for Poison Joke is a simple natural remedy. Ya just gotta take a bath in them."
"A cure? Where did you find it?"
Zecora walked over to a book. Twilight and Grey followed. "Here is the book you see? Sad you do not have it in your library."
Grey closed the book. It was the supernaturals book Twilight dismissed. She shrunk back as he spoke. "We do have this one. It's just... we thought it was nothing but superstition." He read under it. "Natural remedies and cure-alls that are simply super." Everyone, pony and human, looked embarrassed. " I told them not to judge a book by its cover, and yet that's what I did with this book." He chuckled, and turned to Zecora, holstering his pistol. "Heh. I really am an idiot. I know this may seem like a ridiculous request given what we just put you through, but... could you develop another batch of that cure?"
Zecora smiled. She seemed happy with their apology. "Mix it up I certainly will. Yet I am missing a herb from Ponyville. But whenever I go, with what I am met, is a town deserted, abandoned, fled."
"Oh. We can resolve that."
The group marched into town, with Zecora at their side. Ponies saw them, and devolved into a fearful mob. Grey grabbed a megaphone. "Everypony! There's been a big misunderstanding! Let us explain!"
40 minutes later, the ponies were at the Ponyville Day Spa, soaking in the hot tub. The signature blue spots of the infection fading, and their irregularities correcting themselves. The others decided to join in. They felt they had earned it. Grey intended to join in, but had a quick adjustment to make to the SCP-JOKE file.
Item #: Pending.
Temporary Designation: SCP-JOKE.
Object Class: Safe.
Special Containment Procedures: No physical contact is allowed with SCP-JOKE at any time. Any SCP-JOKE found in the wild must be brought to the attention of biohazard containment teams. Personnel wishing to interact with SCP-JOKE must wear full-body hazmat suits to prevent exposure and contamination. Any personnel infected with SCP-JOKE are to be stripped of their rank and security clearance, studied, and euthanized if deemed necessary by on-site medical staff. administered the cure found in Addendum JOKE-2, Cure Formula. SCP-JOKE specimens must be contained in a 15X15X15 meter room in planters with soil from the forest that they are native to. Solar lamps must be on at all times, and a ventilation system should be set to cycle every 24 hours. The containment unit must have sprinklers set to deploy once every 6 hours. In the event of breakdown, personnel in full-body hazmat suits must water SCP-JOKE specimens by hand every 12 hours. In the event of specimens withering, they must be watered immediately.
Description: SCP-JOKE seems to be a wildflower, which displays anomalous properties if a subject is exposed for more than 30 seconds. At this point, through an unknown means, the flower seeps into the subject's body and begins to alter their DNA structure, rapidly increasing the body's melatonin production. All exposed subjects who have remained awake due to external stimuli have passed into a coma by the 3rd hour, and all attempts to wake them have ended in total failure. After a subject falls into NREM or REM sleep, SCP-JOKE begins to rapidly change DNA structure, resulting in extreme mutations. Subjects commonly wake up after the 6th hour, but records of sleeping until for up to 12 hours do exist. After conversion is completed, the subject is awakened, The mutations are not always physical, but are always detrimental to the subject, causing difficulty in performing duties, and seem to be of comedic nature. There is no cure once infected. Re-exposure terminates the previous mutation, but after 2nd exposure, every subsequent exposure heightens the risk of [DATA EXPUNGED].
Addendum JOKE-1: SCP-500 has been found to cure the effects of SCP-JOKE even in final stages of infection.
It was unbelievingly relaxing.
"Thank you so much for your services Zecora. You've saved these ponies, and many guards who were contaminated in the initial recovery operation." He gave her a smile, which she returned. "If... if we needed your help for future research, would you be willing to provide it? We could pay you."
"If payment was demanded, I would be quite upstart. I will help you out of the goodness of my heart."
The group waved goodbye as Zecora faded into the forest with a kind smile. Then, a large impact with his leg sent Grey to the dirt. A familiar voice made him smile. "You're under arrest!" His daughter, Zoe was tying his hands together with imaginary handcuffs.
"Hello my little trainee."
She continued to read out The Miranda Rights. "You have the right to remain silent! Anything you say can be used against you!"
"Arresting me huh? You should have brought backup."
He broke his imaginary handcuffs and hugged her tight. He turned to his friends. "Everyone, this is my little foal, Zoe."