//------------------------------// // Get Me Out of Here // Story: Ernest Saves Equestria // by Emerald Harp //------------------------------// Spitfire ground her teeth in frustration.  “This is taking way too long,” the pegasus thought as she flapped her wings.  The movement sent a jolt of agony through her back but, she ignored the pain.  She glided around the last bend in the cave to stare at the source of her irritation.  Just glancing at the crystal ash made her eyes water like flying through a cloud of pollen.  The Tree of Harmony was a bloated rancid shadow of its former majesty.  The black soil that surrounded the corrupted tree was so deeply cratered that Spitfire could see a couple of Zecora’s glowing pebbles.  The rocks were 500 feet straight down in some of the holes.  Having no place to land in the cave, Spitfire settled on one of the tree’s blackened branches.  She shuddered as her fur crawled beneath her latex suit.  Right now this was the last place in Equestria she wanted to be.  A few moments later she heard the hoof beats of Zecora exiting the tree through a massive gash in the side of the ash.  It was like something had torn itself from inside the crystal ash.  The zebra looked sick to her stomach.  Nopony could stand to be inside the Tree of Harmony for more than a few minutes before becoming violently ill.  “Any change?” asked Spitfire. Zecora shook her head.  “The last rune has yet to light,” the zebra blinked and nearly doubled over, clutching her stomach.  “Get me out of here.  I can’t stand this blight.”  Spitfire nodded and grabbed hold of Zecora’s hooves.  As gently as she could, the Wonderbolt carried the zebra away from the Tree’s corrupting aura.  She would have brought her into the sunlight to recover, but more trolls were arriving outside of the cave by the minute.  The Pegasi had brought Zecora’s chariot and the comatose Blaze into the cave system to weather the siege.  Nearly out of dairy products, only Zecora’s milk fog concoctions were keeping the monsters from reclaiming the Tree of Harmony.  When the two delvers had put some distance away from the evil tree, Zecora’s health improved dramatically.  Spitfire knew exactly what Zecora had witnessed inside that evil place.  She and the other Wonderbolts had taken the five Element Bearers and had placed them inside the Tree of Harmony.  There were probably other times when Spitfire had been more creeped out during her life, but she couldn’t think of them.  When she and what was left of her squad had entered the tree, she saw hundreds of dolls.  Each one of them contained the soul of a filly or colt frozen in the last moments of absolute horror.  Each one was placed on a crevice, shelf, or cavity inside of the tree.  The Tree of Harmony had sensed the presence of newly captured souls and had made fresh recesses inside of its trunk before the eyes of the pegasi.  “Remember what Princess Luna said,” Spitfire had commanded.  “Don’t touch any of the kids.  Just place the dolls wherever the tree wants you to put them and get out.”  Her flyers had obeyed.  At first nothing had happened.  Nothing continued to happen for two minutes and then five.  The pegasi and Zecora took shifts watching over the rune-etched dolls.  One pony would keep an eye out for any changes before becoming too ill to continue.  After ten minutes the Equestrian’s patience was rewarded.  It was Thunderlane who had witnessed the first rune come alive with a bright blue light.  His whoop of glee had echoed through the cave and caught the attention of everypony else.  A minute later five more runes had ignited on all five of the dolls.  It was the final rune in the conversion spell that was failing to activate.    Once Zecora had reported to the rest of the group that there was still no change in the doll’s condition, Misty Fly was the first to reply.  “Is there something we missed?  Do we have the dolls in the wrong order in the tree or something weird like that?”  The elite flyer was nearing her wits end.  Like the rest of them, she had witnessed too many terrors in too short a time. Spitfire shook her head.  “No, we can’t be second guessing ourselves.  Princess Luna didn’t give any instructions about where to place the dolls in that stupid tree.  She just said to put them in there and stand by when the magic does its work.” Privately though, the Wonderbolt leader was starting to have some of the same questions herself. Blaze moaned softly.  “Water.”  The pegasus’s mouth was one of the few parts of him that wasn’t covered in bandages and honey.  Thunderlane brought a canteen up to Blaze’s lips with his good hoof.  Once the hurt pony had had his fill, Blaze rolled over on his side with an ear to the ground.   “Hey Spitfire, Ma’am.  I just thought of something.” The Wonderbolt leader smiled.  “That’s a first.  What’s on your mind, Thunder?” “Is the Palace of the Two Sisters connected to the Tree of Harmony through tunnels or passageways?” Spitfire’s face darkened. “That’s a good question.  The short answer is I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised.” The group sat in silence for a few more moments until a sharp intake of breath from Zecora drew everypony’s attention.  The zebra was pointing down the tunnel she and Spitfire had just come from.  A faint blue light was blinking rhythmically. Spitfire closed her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief.  “Thank you, Celestia.” Before the Commander could give fresh orders, Blaze held up a hoof and in a slow slurred voice he said,  “I . . . I hear something.  I hear . . . something down, down here.” “Whatcha got, Blaze?” asked Spitfire.   The wounded warrior listened for another few seconds.  He shook his head and pressed his ear to the dirt floor of the cave system.  “I don’t know.  Somethings . . . moving down there.  But . . . it’s getting . . . getting . . .”  An enormous brown calloused hand erupted from the earth to grab the prone flier.  Blaze was transformed before he could utter another word. Spitfire grabbed a nearby water pistol and emptied it into the hole the monster was trying to climb out of.  The troll dissolved;  its melting hands dropping the wooden statue of Blaze.   Misty Fly lunged for the doll and grabbed it before another troll’s probing hand could snatch it.  The Wonder Bolt couldn’t believe what she was seeing.  The cave floor was writhing in trolls breaching the ground with their clawed fists and weapons.  In many places the cave floor collapsed entirely to reveal a subterranean chamber strewn not only with soil but with the stone debris of the chamber’s ceiling.  She looked down past the trolls that were climbing over each other to get at the Equestrians.  In the underground room she saw suits of rusty pony armor, old carpeted marble floors, and rotting tapestries of ancient ponies.  Thunderlane’s suspicions were right.  Builders from ages ago had connected the lower floors of the Castle of the Two Sisters to the caves that led to the Tree of Harmony.     Zecora and the grounded Thunderlane were fighting back to back against the subterranean monsters, using whatever dairy weapons they could get their hooves on.  Milk cartons and yogurt containers flew through the air, dissolving many a troll before the floor collapsed underneath them. The pair tumbled into the waiting hands of the trolls.  Misty drew her nearly empty water gun and was about to enter the fray when a commanding voice echoed through the cave.  “Misty, get to the Tree of Harmony.  Get those ponies back to Equestria.  Now!” Misty Fly hesitated for a moment and looked over at her Commanding Officer.  Spitfire was floating among the stalagtites of the cave blasting trolls as soon as they managed to climb up out of the underground castle rooms.  The Wonderbolt leader was about to douse another troll in milk when her weapon finally ran out of ammo.  Spitfire pointed down the twisting passage of the cave and shouted,  “Move!” Misty Fly obeyed.  She beat wings and flew through the cave following the blue light.  She heard her Commander’s screams from behind her, but she didn’t look back.  Moments later the Wonderbolt reached the evil tree.  Fighting down waves of nausea, she poked her head into the cavernous trunk.  The Five glowing Element Bearers were in the process of slowly transforming back into their flesh and blood selves.  They weren't quite ponies yet, but neither were they dolls.  The Five were increasing in mass and falling off their perches within the tree. The pegasus looked behind her.  Gone were the sounds of struggle; instead she heard the pounding feet of dozens of trolls heading straight towards her.  She looked back at the transforming ponies and willed the metamorphosis to hurry.  The first trolls came roaring down the corridors of the cave.  They were slowed by the deep craters in the earth surrounding the Tree of Harmony.  Misty Fly took to the air and dispatched the struggling trolls with pinpoint shots to the monster’s exposed skin.  Three trolls died, then five, then seven until she finally heard the last gasp of her weapon expending the last of her liquid ammo.  The trolls were pouring into the cave by the dozen and were fighting back against the pesky pony with crossbow bolts, rocks, and clumps of dirt.  Misty Fly dodged most of the missles hurled her way, but not all.  A rock ricochet off her skull opening up a nasty gash above her flight goggles.  The pegasus nearly collided with the wall of the underground cavern before she corrected herself.  She could feel the blood dripping down her face.  The pony retreated back to the Tree of Harmony.  Again the nausea returned, this time redoubled.  She vomited the contents of her stomach just before entering the evil ash.   Through her pounding headache she looked at the still transforming doll ponies.  She paused for a moment, unsure of what to do.  She heard the monsters drawing closer, and closer and in that moment she made her choice.  Mustering the last of her energy Misty Fly spoke the command word that would send these five ponies back to Ponyville.  “Neoma.” The still glowing runes on the pony’s flankes blazed for a second before the five Element Bearers disappeared without a trace.    Misty Fly closed her eyes and let out the breath she was holding.  Her stomach churned, and she turned to flee the inside of the Crystal Ash.  Before she could fly or crawl away, she was met by the trolls.  The last thing she saw was a score of hands reaching for her.   ************************************************************************************ Princess Luna watched nervously as another wave of troll flyers assaulted City Hall.  The sky battles above that building were brief but furious affairs where the trolls would charge suicidally into the maw of Ernest’s contraption.  The problem was that there were so many of the flying monsters that there was no way for Ernest and the Crusaders to kill every single troll that flew their way.  Armored pegasi from Canterlot and the Crystal Empire rose to meet the invaders and every time drove them away.  The trolls’ ground assault in front of city hall was fairing better.  The trolls had driven the ponies into the town but were encountering very stiff resistance from every city block and building.  The Princess ached to join in the defense but dared not.  If she fell or was turned into a doll before the other five Element Bearers were returned to Ponyville . . . she did not want to ponder that thought.   A great roar erupted from the troll lines, snapping the Princess out of her pondering.  Even from this distance the Princess could feel the hot breath from the one troll capable of such power.  Luna tore her gaze from City Hall and looked beyond it.  Two more city blocks were reduced to rubble.  The alicorn’s vision easily pierced the dust cloud.  She saw Iarumas advancing in front of hundreds of trolls.  The citizens of Ponyville dusted themselves off and counter attacked the giant troll with super soakers full of milk and pelted the monster with ice cream and butter.  The troll didn’t even blink.  Luna’s mouth went dry as she watched the troll.  The Princess had fought and bested many opponents during her very long life, but she struggled to think of any foe that approached the caliber of this troll save perhaps Sombra himself or Discord.  The monster moved swiftly, nimbly hurling itself into a group of a dozen ponies.  The blows the monster delivered sent Equestrians flying in every direction, and in less time than it took the alicorn to draw breath, all 12 of the ponies were either dolled or worse.       Before the Princess could give orders to deal with the demon troll, Luna felt the awakening of the five ponies through the ley lines of magic.  The runes she had so painstakingly carved into the Element Bearers were now active.  From the balcony of Twilight’s library she pointed and yelled down to the ground floor, “Clear that space!”   The ponies below didn’t hesitate.  They lept to obey this strange order, pushing and hauling away weapons, furniture, and desks loaded down with radios, armor, and milk.  When the floor was cleared, Luna closed her eyes and concentrated on the thread of magic that only she could see.  Something was wrong.  The runes had been activated but the magic was diminutive at best.  She could barely make out the rune magic through all the spells and troll witchcraft being thrown about Ponyville.  Luna did not have time to dwell on this new disturbing turn of events.  She focused and channeled the magic through her horn.  Her eyes blazing with power, she summoned the five ponies in a flash of brilliant blue light. “Oh, no,” Luna let the words escape her lips when the five figures appeared.  The Element Bearers were in mid transformation.  As one, the ponies started to slowly move like bugs being thawed from ice.  She saw Equine hooves twitch underneath still wooden flankes.  One of the ponies, Fluttershy if memory served, had a completely normal head while her shoulder and haunches remained tree-like.  Mercifully, all the ponies were unconscious while their metamorphosis was still happening. The Princess fought down her panic after looking at the flanks of the Element Bearers.  The seven runes had all activated.  The magical glyphs Luna had carved into the sides of each pony would be visible as scars for the rest of their lives, but the important thing was they were here and still changing. The return of the five ponies had left everypony else in a state of shock and revulsion.  A couple of the civilian ponies were openly weeping at the sight. Luna barked a command to the closest ranking military pony which happened to be a pegasus from the Crystal Empire.  “Sapphire Sentinel Bright Shield, Mayor Mare, issue an order to the forward positions to pull back into the tertiary positions around City Hall.  Do not engage the demon troll.  Leave him to me.” The guard pony saluted and the Mayor bowed.  They both went about issuing commands on her behalf.  From the corner of his eye Bright Shield saw a flash of blue light, and the Princess along with the five doll-ponies were gone.            ************************************************************************************   In the basement level of Ponyville hospital Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor, Morning Star and the rest of the Equestrian Leadership in the northern quadrant were gathered around a large metal table.  Using a purple and red monochromatic light spell, Twilight Sparkle mapped out the siege Ponyville was facing.  Spike and the doctors were not happy about the Princess of Friendship using any kind of magic with her still mending horn, but the stubborn pony had done it anyway.  The Princess and the others were fed a steady stream of information via radio and couriers.  The picture the intelligence painted was grim.  The trolls were pressing in on the town’s defenses on all fronts.  The purple lights that represented buildings and ponies were slowly being turned red by the advancing horde.  The trolls owned about a third of Ponyville.   Twilight shook her head.  The trolls were not trying to conquer the town.  They were here to destroy it.  That fact was emphasized when word had reached the hospital that Iarumas himself had joined that assault and was now moving in force to raze City Hall.   The Canterlot Guardsman operating the radio cleared his throat.  “New orders from Princess Luna.  She says not to engage the demon troll, to fall back to the tertiary positions.” Shining Armor nodded in agreement.  “The order is sound.  We have nothing to counter that thing.” Morning Star stared at the situation map.  “That monster is too close to City Hall.  We should order the human and foals to evacuate.” Shining Armor shook his head.  “That rail gun is the only thing that’s giving our pegasi an edge in the sky.  If we tell them to abandon City Hall we lose the high ground.” Twilight looked down at her assistant.  “Have there been any messages from City Hall, Spike?” The little dragon shook his head.  “None.  But judging from the racket that thing is making, it’s still working.” Twilight hesitated and then spoke.  “I think I could blink over there and get the Crusaders out at least.” “Don’t you dare!”  Shining Armor shouted.  “You’re in no condition to use that spell.  And even if you could use it, we need you alive and not a doll for when the Element Bearers come back.  If something happens to you that plan goes out the window.” The Princess looked down at the table, particularly at the tall lavender light that represented City Hall.  She couldn’t bear being cooped up down here any longer.  Not while her town and the ponies in it were being destroyed.  She took a deep breath and fought down her frustrations.  She would have argued with her brother if it wasn’t for the fact that he was right.  Instead she turned her attention to the rectangle of light that stood in for the hospital.  Thankfully the trolls were not as thick on the ground in this part of Ponyville.  Still, the monsters were slowly making inroads through the pony defenses.  There was no getting around the fact that Ponyville would be a wasteland if something wasn’t done about Iarumas.  “Do you feel that?” asked Shining Armor. Twilight Sparkle paused, she felt it too.  Even in their weakened states, she and her brother felt the gathering of magic that was happening right behind them.  She turned just in time to see a flash of blue light.  She blinked, and then she saw a sight that would stay with her the rest of her life.  Princess Luna was in the basement along with her best friends.  The purple alicorn was ecstatic that they were here and that Luna’s spell had worked . . . sort of.  Then right after that she was absolutely horrified at the state they were in. “What happened?”  Twilight tried to keep her voice below a shriek.   “The teleportation part of the rune spell was activated before the conversion piece had done its work.  Fear not, they shall return to normal soon,” the night Princess replied.   Spike pressed himself against the basement wall, trying to put as much distance between himself and the squirming pony-dolls as possible.  For their parts Shining Armor and Morning Star stood rooted in place staring at the amalgamation of Equine anatomy and cursed troll magic.   Twilight Sparkle calmed herself down as best as she could before saying, “We need to stop Iarumas. He’s almost at City Hall.” The dark alicorn nodded.  “I shall slow the monster.  It will be up to you and the other Element Bearers to slay the beast.” Regaining some of his courage, Spike stepped forward and said, “The troll can be stopped.  Both Ernest and Rotnart said that unconditional love can kill that thing.” Luna’s jaw tightened.  “There is no room in my heart for love of those monsters.”          ************************************************************************************ Iarumas cracked his neck and advanced at a steady pace in front of his troops.  The weapon the Equestrians were using was still occasionally pelting him with milk covered metal balls.  Iarumas had pulled the first couple steel spheres out of his torso, but after a couple dozen direct hits, he ignored them.  His lackeys were not so durable.  Just taking the outer defenses of the town had been costly for the invading trolls.  The ponies had been pushed back, but the deeper the troll demi-god advanced into the town, the more puddles of troll goo he had to step over.  His warriors were now engaged in expensive house-to-house fighting with the ponies.  Spells and counterspells were flying through the air as thickly as the winged trolls and pegasi.  Trolls and ponies alike were fighting like beings possessed with demonic fury.  All the while Iarumas reveled in the carnage he had wrought.  He could not have asked for a better day to die. The troll looked up at the center of town where Ernest P. Worrell had placed his artillery.  The aerial assault Iarumas had ordered had been cut to pieces.  The first attack had been followed by a second and a third; all had failed.  However, a few crafty trolls had flown straight down into City Hall on the last sortie, temporarily surprising the artillery crew.  But they were quickly dispatched by the Crystal Pegasi guards.  The demonic troll smiled.  The ponies had won those rounds, but this game was far from over.   Iarumas let out a loud bellow and destroyed the prepared positions just in front of City Hall.  Unicorns and Earth Ponies were thrown backwards, and the very foundations of the Pony Tower swayed under the force of the troll’s voice.  The demon troll hesitated.  He could bring down Worell’s tower with one last hellscream and avenge his grandfather.  It was a pity that he would not be able to look the human in the eye as he ripped out his heart.  But the man had to die by any means necessary; he was way too dangerous to be left alive.  But before the monster could draw breath, a unique shadow passed over him that gave him pause.  This silhouette was visible only for a moment, but it was larger and stranger than those of the armored pegasi flying overhead.  With his enhanced vision Iarumas followed the fast moving equine.  It was a dark blue alicorn garbed in a midnight black saddle.  The troll frowned.  It looked like it was snowing from the saddle but then after a second it dawned on him. The burning sensation on his exposed troll flesh indicated that the white salt-like substance was powdered milk.  Iarumas looked behind him to see the trolls that he had been personally leading melting in the already soaked ground.  Iarumas dusted the white powder from his massive shoulders.  “Princess Luna.” “Troll.”   Iarumas turned his full attention to the dark pony and grinned crookedly.  “Do you love me, Princess?  Do you love me like a son?” ************************************************************************************ Princess Luna wanted to vomit.  The mere presence of the monster sickened her.  The troll’s head took up a third of the thing’s body.  Its ragged clothes concealed a broad chest supported on two short stubby legs.  It had so many teeth in its mouth that it could barely form words.  Snot leaked from its four nostrils into its massive drooling maw.  The troll’s face writhed with yellow snakelike tendrils coming out of its pores.  The creature had every skin disease imaginable, but that fact did not detract from its god-like power.  The alicorn’s magical scenes could feel the barely contained energy radiating from the demon-troll’s body.  It was like standing near a star about to go supernova.       “No,” the alicorn replied.  “Anypony or anything that is remotely capable of loving you is a better being than I.” The monster chuckled.  “Then you are no threat to me.” Miraculously one of Iarumas’s bodyguards had survived Luna’s powdered milk sortie by cowering in a destroyed flower nursery.  The birch-armored troll straightened and tried to compose himself as best he could.   Standing next to his master he asked, “Shall I dispatch this opossum for you, sire?” Iarumas rolled his eyes.  He did not know why the rest of the army had insisted on keeping Rabuf’s term for the ponies, but they had.  “No.  She is mine.  Any troll that harms her will be begging for a milk death when I’m done with them.  Got it?” The troll went several shades paler underneath the several layers of grime that covered his body.  He nodded and saluted.  “I’ll spread the word, sire.”    While this exchange was going on, Princess Luna had unstrapped her saddle bag with one tug from her teeth.  While placing her weaponized luggage on the ground, her mane temporarily obscured her head.  “I wouldn’t say that I’m no threat to you.”  Iarumas lifted a bushy eyebrow.  “Is that so?  Show me what you got.”  In one fluid motion the alicorn rose and fired the magical energy she had concealed in her horn.   Iarumas let the beam of light hit him, not worried in the slightest.  The light was bright and made him close his eyes for a few heartbeats, but it caused no damage.  Or so he thought.   When his vision cleared, he found that the sun had gone down, and it was night time.  He frowned and looked around.  The warring armies of trolls and ponies were gone and everything was eerily quiet.  He was still in the town he had sworn to destroy, but he was alone, save for the blue alicorn.  He clapped his clawed hands together in admiration. The sound echoed through the empty streets of Ponyville.  “Very impressive, Princess.  What is this?  A hallucination?  A vision?”  “Tis a dream, troll.” “And what do you hope to accomplish by putting us to sleep?” The Princess of the Night took to the air and placed herself in front of the massive full moon that dominated the night sky.  She spread her wings so that her shadow encompassed the troll below her.  When she spoke she used her Royal Canterlot voice.  “You are in my realm now, monster.  Here we shall battle, and no innocents shall be harmed.  I swear, Iarumas, you will be defeated.  Equestria has defeated your kind before and shall do it again.” Iarumas shrugged.  “Maybe.  But neither you nor this town will be around to see it.” The troll bent his knees and like a coiled spring launched himself into the air straight at the pony.  The troll’s shoulder drove into the surprised pony’s stomach, knocking the wind out of her.  Iarumas wrapped his arms around the pony’s back and clung to her as they fell.  The pair crashed through the third, second, and first floors of the dreamscape City Hall.  Luna bit back her screams as her body absorbed the multiple collisions.  Channeling magic through her horn, she summoned the energy to forcefully push the demonic troll off of her and through a wall and into the dark streets of Ponyville.  Pressing her advantage Luna summoned a midnight blue sword, the black leather-wrapped hilt materializing between her teeth.  She charged out the hole she had blown Iarumas through, aiming to split the troll’s head like a melon.   The monster was still trying to get to his feet when the alicorn was nearly on top of him.  Iarumas saw the majestic long sword’s arc coming straight down, right between his eyes.  Instead of trying to stand and defend himself, the troll stopped and grabbed the blade with one hand mere inches from his head.  Iarumas could feel the magical construct bite into his flesh, but it did not cut him.  The troll could feel the pony putting every ounce of strength she had into pressing the blade home.  The sword and his fingers trembled but slowly, inexorably, Iarumas forced the weapon back from his scalp.  Hatred and disbelief warred on Luna’s face.  She knew that in the real world she would have little chance of besting this beast, but here?  This was her realm.  She couldn’t kill it, but neither should the monster be able to overcome her in the dreamscape.  Her nostrils flared. No.  It was not possible.  She would prevail and keep the demon here while Twilight and the others used the Elements of Harmony to undo the evil that these trolls had done.  At that moment Iarumas twisted his wrist and broke the sword in half.   The Princess stumbled forward and fell, her cheek skidding off the black grass.   Luna had barely enough time to roll away from where she had been before one of the troll’s boots came crashing down where her neck had been mere moments ago.  After getting back on her hooves, Luna heard the troll say, “I can see why my people failed so many times to take the Crystal Empire so long ago. If Equestria had more mares like you, then Sombra would have never gotten within 100 miles of the Crystal Empire.” The troll popped his knuckles.  “As much as I’ve enjoyed this little nap, it’s time to wake up.  And since we both know I’m on a tight schedule, I’ll make this once in a lifetime deal with you.  Release me from this dream, and I’ll let you leave this hovel alive.  You might even get to live a few more days until my people conquer this land.  What say you?” In a display her sister would have disapproved of, Luna spat a wad off dirt out of her mouth and glared at the troll.  “I’d sooner live forever in agony in Tartarus.  Do your worst, troll.” Iarumas sighed, “I was hoping for a different answer, but I would have chosen the same thing.”  The troll brought up his massive fists in a combative stance.  “I’ll make this quick.”