//------------------------------// // Ch 19 - Which is Greater, Journey or Destination? // Story: Chaotic Visage // by Orderly Disassembly //------------------------------// “Are you sure you won’t come with me, Typh- Pathfinder? I mean, you’ve been around a bit so you should-“ I glossed over her slip-up with the wave of a hoof. “Oh no, I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Clover gave me a skeptical look before sighing. “Fine, just meet me up again at the north side gate.” I made sure to put on my widest smile. “See you then!” And promptly trotted in the opposite direction. I passed a few ponies as I went. A few stood behind food stands, some in front of them, and a couple were even daring enough to be walking down the street. They all walk the same damnable path every damnable day.  All smiles and ‘friendship’ and ‘harmony,’ right up until you’re different. I passed a familiar stand. I didn’t necessarily stop there often, but it was still a nice place for carrots when the craving struck me. Too bad it was little more than a pile of splinters now. What happened, do ponies really not know how to clean up after themselves? I gave the flattest of looks at the mess, and it turned to a glare when I spotted the blood. Seriously, what the hell happened? “Uhm, sir, might I ask what you’re lookin' at?” I turned to see a guardspony unicorn wearing poor-fitting armor with a too-big sword strapped to his shoulder. “Oh, nothing much, just a mess that nopony bothered cleaning up. Might I ask why there’s blood under the… debris.” The guard’s head tilted and his voice asked a question his words failed to ask. “Uh, ya weren’t here for the attack?” He shook his head before continuing. “I guess we do still have ponies driftin' in. There was a military assault on the town a couple weeks back. That cart, well, anypony who comes near it sees… visions. Memories. Some even say scars.” I rolled my eyes before turning back to the pile of wood scrap that was once a cart. “What a load of nonsense.” I left behind a cloud of smoke, a shocked guard, and a clean spot on the road. Who knew ashes smelled so nice? I didn’t spot any more messes that required my attention, but something still felt… off. There was still the faint ding of metal being forged. Conversations still reached my ears on passing winds. The smell of bread still wafted to my nose. But the metal rang hollow. The talks were hushed. And the bread’s smell was tainted with a metallic sweetness. It was like a piece of the town’s soul was missing. As if ripped out by a clawed hand. So I continued drifting down Mane street. I nodded at a few ponies, some ignored me, a few nodded back. Not to me, Typhon, but to the mask, Pathfinder. It was so easy, slipping back into the lie. Far too easy. Like simply putting on a familiar jacket. There might be a tear or two, but it was still functional, and that was all that mattered. Eventually, I felt a rumble in my fake stomach, so I veered off to the side where the bakery was. I had a donut, a jelly-filled affair with a light glazing. After finishing my snack, I found myself in front of a quite familiar inn. I wonder if my room is still as it was? Nah, I've been gone for too long. The door creaked slightly as it swung inward, revealing a packed room. I strolled through the maze of tables, tuning out the idle buzz along the way, and found a seat at the end of the counter. The rest were filled by a group of stallions roaring with laughter. I think I heard something about “oatmeal, are you crazy?!”  But honestly, it wasn’t all that important. “Well, I’ll be a wee pile of scurvy bats, yer actually back?” I smiled at the familiar accent of the barkeep. Barkeep… never really caught her name, did I? “Yes ma’am, only for a short while though, I’m heading out of town quite soon. Just… taking a short trip down memory lane before I go.” I looked up to see a raised eyebrow on the large mare. “Aye, I can understand that, but didn’t ya blow in only like a month ago though? A bit short of a time to be so attached.” I shook my head at that. “Yeah, it’s not much time, but I kinda started a business, found a semi-permanent home, met a few friends, and a hobby before the…” I trailed off, letting her figure it out herself. “Aye, that’d do it.” “Hey barkeep, me an’ the guys all want another round. Put it on my tab, I got the bits tonight!” There was a round of cheers and table-stomping applause as the barkeep slid off the counter to do her job. She tried to come back a couple times but was pulled away by one group of drinkers or another. I waved her off, and simply sat to listen. Not to the words being thrown around by the unreasonable number of drunks, but to the emotions around me. I heard flimsy bravado and forced cheer from the group of off-duty guards to my side. I saw anxiety radiating from a quartet of stallions at a nearby table. I felt a blank emptiness when making passing eye contact with ponies in a booth across the room. There were more ponies here than I’d ever seen before, more words being used, and there was an annoying drone in the air that wasn’t present before. Yet it felt emptier all the same, like this place was a lamp for a thousand lost moths searching for a moon, only to be disappointed by a paltry flame. They sought comfort, didn’t they… Well, all they’ll find are pretty, white lies. That’s all I ever got, no matter who I pretended to be. I let a snort voice my opinion of these fools, but before I could stand to leave, a familiar voice called out. “Leavin so soon, Pathfinder?” I turned a grin on a tired-looking Hotshot. “Well I was, but then somepony gave me a reason not to! Tell me, how’s it been since we talked last time?” He smiled back, sitting down on a vacant seat next to me. Strange, I thought there was a guard- oh there he is… yeah, probably made a pass at the barkeep. “Well, things have been goin’ that’s for sure.” He slumped a little with a sigh. “Not goin’ much of anywhere but it’s goin’.” I nodded at that. “Oh, I’ve been there before, friend. Granted, probably not to the same extent, but still.” He chuckled at the words, though any semblance of humor was distinctly absent. “Yeah, ya don’t know the half of it.” He got a cider, I stuck with water, and we let the low buzz of the inn fill our ears. “…Brick please…” “…like I said yesterday, the count was…” “…I dunno, feels like the thing is…” It was getting harder to tune out the meaningless chatter. “Pathfinder?” “Yes?” “Ya lookin’ for a job?” “Uh, no, why do you ask?” Hotshot sent me a sideways glance. “Cause the town guard needs more ponies, especially ones that stand their ground.” I wonder just how desperate they are if the guard’s trying to find recruits like this. “No, not interested.” He raised an eyebrow. “That was a mighty quick answer.” I shook my head. “I’m heading out of town today, I just won’t be here for any kind of job pretty soon!” I forced another smile, and judging how Hotshot’s eyes narrowed, I didn’t do a good job. Not every lie can stick I suppose. “Are ya alright, Path?” I bobbed my head from side to side for a moment before responding. “Kind of am, kind of not, I’m a bit in between where I want to be and where I am.” Wonder what kind of useless platitude he’s going to spout off this time. Maybe ‘don’t worry, it’ll get better,’ or the ‘I’ve been where you’re at’ nonsense? He turned to face me completely. “Are ya in trouble? Can I help in any way? If it’s the---“ “No! No, I’m not in any trouble, just a bit lost is all.” His face softened at that and he turned back to his drink. “Alright, I can get that, I didn’t really know where I wanted to be when I joined the guard…” Called it. He added. “… but that don’t mean it’s for everypony. I hope ya find what you’re lookin’ for out on the road.” I- what do I even respond with? Hotshot pushed on despite my silence. “Though, I gotta ask, who hurt ya?” I froze. I could lie, I mean they do it all the time, they do it with repercussions, they… I’m not ‘them,’ I’m nothing like ‘them.’ My voice sounded so grand before in Nowhere, full of presence in one way or another. But now, it just felt small. It felt like I was speaking through a straw filled with gravel and dead souls. “Somepony that I trusted.” He nodded at that. “I don’t know how it felt, and I don’t think ya’d care for the sayin’s, but I’m here if ya ever want help anyhow.” The warmth and buzz that ruled my head seemed to dim at that. I think I took one too many steps down memory lane. It’s time to move on. I took a deep breath before standing up and tossing a few bits next to my empty mug. “Sorry, Hotshot, but I have to go. See you next time.” Hotshot just nodded. I wove between the tables again, and let the creaky door drift shut behind me. The sun glared down at me from its position at high noon.  I could almost feel each individual ray of its light as its radiant gaze tried to pierce me. Why did it burn? Where did the warmth go? Why is everything so clear? I shook my head in confusion as I stumbled down the street. I was given a few odd looks, but the intense experience of being totally aware of each sensation individually was far more concerning. Why is it so cold? It felt like I’d just woken up from a long dream, from a nightmare, and that my body was trying to regain its full functionality. I found myself in front of a very familiar street. One that I walked down a hundred times… I’ve already gone too far, what’s one more stop on this little trip? I gathered my senses and stepped forward. As I passed out of sight of the street ponies, I wove a cloak of invisibility around myself. For some reason, most ponies didn’t seem to recognize me. Perhaps they were too absorbed in their own little worlds to notice Pathfinder in the first place. Perhaps not… Whatever the case may be, they would remember me. They would come out and ask where I’ve been, they would lie again. I’m tired of the lies. I trudged onward, keeping the magic strong, and stopped in front of a specific building. It was multiple stories in height, had glass windows filled with light, and I could just barely hear the sounds of children laughing without a plight. The sign above the front door read Sunshine Smiles. How many times did I stand here? How many times did I look at this place from this exact spot? A dozen? A hundred perhaps? I could feel the sides of divots that I dug into the gravel–a reminder of the mark I left upon this place. Every day, I’d trot my happy little rear right up to this exact spot and admire the view.  I’d see the cracks in the walls, the empty windows, and dim lights, and smile as I made them all disappear beneath this humble facade. It pretended to be better than those around it. It pretended that it was different. It wasn't, it really really wasn’t. I mended the boards that held it up, I installed the glass in those windows, I pieced it back together from the splinters the invaders reduced it to. And yet, when the lies stopped, they screamed, they ran, they cast me out. It seems that I never fixed the deepest problem after all. I felt a fire ignite in the pit of my stomach, burning with blissful rage. Yet my mind felt frigid. I did so much for them, I gave them everything they could’ve wanted! And in return? I got tears and regret. Why is my face wet? Is there rain? I didn’t see any clouds.  I shook my head as I let my thoughts blunder onward. Memory after memory surfaced from the ocean of my mind.  Each attempted to drag me back into the depths of complacency. They tried to get me to go back. I grit my teeth at the thought, that idiotic, foolish thought. And felt the fire in my gut rise as the ice in my head fell. Go back? Why would I ever go back? What do I owe these ponies? Every damned time I try to get close, I get burned. First the damned towns, then the tower, and this time, this time… Why do I bother? Why do I care? What draws me to them? I can’t fathom it anymore… Was it hope? Was it a memory from before all this? Was I just an idiot? Why am I doing any of this? My chest burned and froze at the same time as a blizzard of hate met an inferno of anger. I felt my jaw tense and my teeth grind as the stream of questions continued, but the sound of an opening door cut them off. A little white batpony trotted forward. Her small head swung from side to side as she went on, coming straight towards me. She came to a stop right next to me and turned back to the orphanage ahead of us. Why is she here, how did she know, can batponies just see through invisibility or- “The hoofprints gave you away.” Oh. She continued. “It’s been a while.” I remained silent. “It’s been going well back here since you left.” I didn’t respond, I refused to. “Sweetie finally got over her lisp, Crimson got his cutie mark in pyromancy, and we got a new set of plates as donations.” The swirling spirals of heat and cold mixed together to form a familiar warmth in the core of my being. And that warmth began to climb. What was the point of this? “…they miss you.” What? “Ms. Heart, Sweetie Drop, Crimson, heck even Sugarplum, everypony misses you.” Nonsense, absolutely moronic nonsense! “It’s true, I don’t know how I can prove it but-“ “When do the lies end?” My voice croaked beneath the weight of emotion, but I still forced the words out. “Because I never saw it, I never saw the end of the lies. Why would I believe you, the epitome of the reason I despise you ponies?” I forced my mouth closed with an audible click. It took her a moment to respond, she went to speak but sighed before doing so. “I don’t know. I do know that they miss you, that I miss you, that we all wished you’d come back, and that they worry.” “They can ‘miss’ me all they want, the lies never ended…” I trailed off. What was there left to say? To do? This all felt so pointless. Little Liar opened her mouth, doubtless so that she could spout off more lies, more falsehoods, but the door to Sunshine Smiles swung open on well-oiled hinges. “Distorted Gale, what are you doing out here? Get back inside!” Little Liar glanced at me one last time before running up to Ms. Heart. I felt the urge to say something, anything, to ask ‘why?’ But I didn’t. Instead, I let the warmth envelope my head once more. The warmth didn’t lie, the warmth didn’t make me hurt, it just felt… good, it made me feel comfortable. It was like I was standing in front of a hearth, huddled beneath a pile of blankets. The buzz returned and I barely heard the door slam shut. I wandered some more through the town, admiring the scenery from a new point of view. It wasn’t empty, oh no, this place wasn’t missing anything. It simply gained something instead. Something wonderful, something they deserved. They gained perspective, perspective on what a monster could truly do. I smiled beneath my magic, smiled so deeply that it hurt. The world around me blurred as the gate to the outside appeared seemingly from nowhere. I spotted Clover frantically swinging her head around, probably in search of me. I could leave here and now, I could disappear without a trace. I know her trick, I know the secret. If I simply jump through space and clean up my signature behind me… They would never find me again, I would be left alone. But then they would go on, believing that they were right, thinking that they were above the consequences of their actions. That what they did to me was justified or unimportant. No, I could leave, I could vanish, but I won’t. Not until they learn. So, with a head full of comfort and a smile wide as the horizon, I stepped close to Clover and whispered. “Just tell them to let you out, I’ll go through as you do.” Clover froze and nodded before turning to the gate guard. “Alright, I guess he’s not coming, just open up and I’ll be on my way.” The unicorn’s horn glowed for a moment as a scan ran across Clover and the large doors creaked open. She stepped through and I followed while my magic concealed me. And we were out, just like that. The gravel road crunched beneath us as we trotted along. I remember this path, it was the one I chased the invaders out on. I wonder how many bones are hidden in the road? I shook my head as we passed a sign. It was made of wood and the words on it were all smudged up, as if they were made of gray paint that got violently scraped by an indignant artist. Strangely, the warmth grew more intense when I glanced at them. Probably best to simply leave well enough alone. Curiosity hadn’t been my friend so far… Then again, it’d been a far better companion than many. Clover and I reached the edge of the forest, so I dropped my invisibility and my disguise. My more chaotic form popped and clicked as bones settled back into their correct places. “Ugh, can you be a bit quieter about that? It’s, eugh.” She dry heaved at a particularly meaty wet crack that emanated from my spine. “Yes, actually, getting all of my bones in order is quite important to me. So while I understand it might be a tad off-putting, it is very necessary.” I shrugged, continuing by saying, “If you really can’t handle it, then why don’t you go off into the forest a bit and make your report to your Princess? I remember you being a bit antsy about the whole situation.” Clover gasped before making to go. “Yeah, I completely forgot! Thanks for the reminder, I’ll be right back.” “Oh, and please keep the fact that I’m coming back with you to yourself.” She froze in place, hoof raised mid-stride. “What?” I chuckled. “Oh, I just want it to be a surprise is all! Besides, if they knew I’m coming, they might get all twisted up over everything and overthink things.” I twisted my neck, several more pops cracking out as I did so, to look at Clover. “I mean, the last time their plans involved me… well it’s best to not have a repeat, right?” Clover looked down and pawed at the ground as she responded. “Y-yeah, probably, but what will I tell them?” I waved a paw as I scoffed. “Oh, don’t get all worked up about it, just say that you found somepony who knows more. That you found a lead. It’s not exactly a lie, is it?” Well, it is actually. I’m not a pony. They’ve made that abundantly clear to me. Clover nodded. “Ok, I guess I can do that. You promise to back me up after we get there though? I don’t think they’ll be happy with me.” I laughed as I hopped into the air and floated next to her. “Of course, of course! Friends always look out for one another, right?” She smiled at that and nodded before walking away. I scowled at her turned back. Yes, friends always look out for each other…  I looked around as I continued settling into my old form. Trees twice as tall as me surrounded us, minus the space the path took. A few bushes dotted the open ground between them, but lacked any sort of grass. Then, I turned back to the sign. It was a ways down the road and outside the tree line, but I could still see the smeared words. It felt off and the buzz in my head got louder the longer I stared at it. What did it say? Did it mean something important? Probably not, but curiosity cares little for probabilities, and more for possibilities. Clover strode back into the clearing and called out. “Alright, I’m done, how about you?” “Yes yes, I’m finished.” I pointed a finger at the mysterious wooden sign. “Would you mind telling me what that sign is for?” She tilted her head at that. “It’s just the town name, can’t you read it? I mean you should be able to it-“ Oh, the name… “Yes, I am perfectly capable of reading. I was just unaware of its purpose. Let’s move on.” Clover shook her head before trotting onward, down the road. I followed, keeping pace above her by swimming through the air like an eel through water. People talk a lot about adventure. Some find the most meaning at the beginning, some at the destination, and quite a few constantly mewl about how “the journey is everything.” Many can draw whatever conclusions they want from an adventure. At the end of the day, its core is getting from point A to point B. For those who are on a grand quest, it can be exciting.  For those on a warpath, it can be nerve-wracking. For me? It was tedious. Oh sure, there are plenty of sights to see: trees, trees, a few more trees, a river with a broken bridge that we simply teleported across, and did I mention trees? I mean, I did find the time to teach a few acorns to fly and gave some aggressive blue flowers the power to play practical jokes on people. But those were small things, insignificant compared to the wonderful world I wove myself in Nowhere. Eventually, we did have to stop and set up camp. Well, Clover did, I just stuck around to be polite. She really insisted on passing through “Hoovesdale” for some reason or another. I think it was about some pastry shop, “Pyra’s Pure Pyramid of Possibility” I believe? Bah, it’s not like it matters. I told her that I shouldn’t come with her, that it would just end with a gigantic fuss. But no, I “seriously have to experience it for myself.” What a load of nonsense. She’d see, I’d get to say “I told you so,” and we’d move on in something like a day. It will be idiotic and pointless, but that seems to be a trend with these ponies. Oh, when we crest that final hill, when I finally get to show those Princesses the consequences of their stupidity… Hopefully, the rest will see and learn.