A bright blue sky and a glowing sun shined down upon the kingdom of Duloc as the Mane Six, Spike, Apple White, Raven Queen, Shrek, and Donkey walked side-by-side in the direction of Farquaad’s castle. For the past day-and-a-half, they followed Donkey’s direction. After recent events found Shrek in the company of fairytale creatures squatting in his swamp, he was determined to find this Lord Farquaad and recover his land back for himself. Currently, however, the whole team were ready to stop seeing as they were getting lost due to Donkey’s directions.
“C’mon! Not much farther now!” Donkey beckoned.
“Is it really?” Twilight questioned skeptically. “Because the last few times you said that we got completely lost and had to backtrack.”
“I didn’t get us turned around that bad,” Donkey said defensively.
“Are you kidding?” Spike asked seriously. “First we took that one right to the candy house, then we passed that weird old woman in the shoe, and next thing you know we took that left to a castle owned by a woman named ‘Oprah’.”
“And here we were thinking she was just the Queen of talk shows!” Pinkie giggled.
“I tell ya if we go any further away than we were before, time would be going backwards.”
“Ah knew ah shoulda taken the lead,” Applejack shook her head. “Ah could find mah way outta any forest with just the stars alone.”
“Not to mention the distant smell of cow patties,” Rainbow snickered.
This earned the Pegasus a swift slap on the flank courtesy of her marefriend’s tail.
“Yow!” She cried in surprise. “Save it for the bedroom why don’t you?!”
“I did not need to hear that,” Raven cringed.
“Me neither,” Apple agreed.
“You know what you guys need?” Donkey asked casually. “A road trip game! The rules are very simple: Whoever spots a horse and cart along the road—Punch buggy!”
Donkey suddenly punched Shrek’s arm and he cringed with pain.
“Fun, right?!” Donkey smiled.
“No!” Shrek cried out. “What kinda insane game is that?”
“Haven’t you ever been on a road trip?”
“No.”
“Man, you need to get out more, because—Punch buggy!”
“Owwww!”
“I gotcha with that wagon full of hay over there.”
“Donkey, I don’t think Shrek wants to play,” Fluttershy suggested nervously.
“If you do that one more time—” Shrek warned.
“See, that’s another reason you need me around,” Donkey rambled. “Who else is gonna fill you in on all the fun stuff you missed out on? You may not know it, but you are one lucky ogre to meet up with—”
“Punch buggy!”
Shrek punched Donkey so hard on the arm, he was sitting on the ground with his mouth agape and the pain slowly seeping in…
“Ow!” Donkey whined, clutching his left arm.
“Mutton cart at three o’clock!” Shrek chuckled, with a victory dance.
“Mother Hubbard, that hurt!”
“You know, you’re right, that was pretty fun. Shall we play again?”
“No, that’s okay, you win. Maybe we should move on to ‘I Spy’, or ‘I went on a Picnic’…”
“Or maybe a game that won’t put any of us in a hospital,” Twilight butted in.
“Hey guys, look!” Spike pointed. “There’s another castle up ahead.”
“Yeah, that’s Duloc!” Donkey confirmed. “Didn’t I tell you I’d find it?”
“Yeah, you found it,” Rainbow muttered. “After only three or four tries…”
The whole group gazed their eyes toward Duloc Castle and noticed something rather interesting. The entire castle itself stretched high into the air, well above the tiny village laid beneath its shadow.
“So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle,” Shrek observed.
“Uh-huh, that’s the place,” Donkey nodded.
“I’ll give him this, that’s quite the castle,” Raven commented.
“Even bigger than Ever After High,” Apple agreed.
“It’s a bit much, isn’t it?” Shrek asked jokingly. “Do you think he might be compensating for something?”
Shrek laughed, but Donkey didn’t seem to get the joke.
“Ah, forget it,” Shrek groaned, crossing the parking lot.
“Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek!” Donkey called out.
“Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry!”
A man and a woman raced through the castle’s entrance as our heroes made way. In front of the gate, they stumbled upon a series of ropes hung like a maze for crowd control. A mascot wearing a giant head resembling Farquaad stood at the start of the line bidding the guests entry. The whole team exchanged looks with one another.
“Welcome to the Duloc Fetch a Princess Festival!” The mascot called out. “The show’s about to begin!”
“Is that supposed to be a Farquaad mascot?” Rainbow questioned. “Here I was thinking our buck ball teams had ugly mascots.”
“Hey! Hey, you!” Shrek called out.
“Ahhhhh!!!” The mascot screamed. “Ogre! Ahhhhh!”
Screaming at the sight of Shrek, the mascot raced through the roped path toward the front gate.
“Wait a second!” Shrek called out. “Look, I’m not gonna eat ya! I just—I just—”
But Shrek merely sighed in frustration as he began pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot, unable to see in his giant head, ran into a wall. *BAM!*
“Ooooooooo!” The girls and Spike winced.
“Is he alright?” Fluttershy asked worriedly.
“Uhhhhh… ohhhhh… whyyyyy?!” The mascot groaned. “Whyyyyy?!”
“Well… aside from being brain dead for running through the ropes like that and knocking himself out… yeah he’s fine,” Rainbow responded.
“This place is weird,” Shrek declared. “Let’s find this Farquaad guy and get outta here.”
“Ooh! Can we stop at the gift-shop?” Pinkie suggested. “I wanna get a t-shirt.”
“We’re not stopping for t-shirts!”
“Aww!!!”
Shrek pushed through the entrance’s turnstile, but Donkey got caught in it and landed upon the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiled, while Shrek continued on sighing with frustration. By the time the rest made it inside, they found Shrek and Donkey looking around the square. But for some strange reason the whole place was deserted.
All the trees and grass were neatly cut. Every row of houses they saw looked exactly the same. Cheery music quietly played over a set of loudspeakers. And in one of the shops, there were dozens of toys and various souvenirs that resembled Lord Farquaad.
“Certainly a charming town I’ll admit,” Rarity spoke, breaking the silence. “However, doesn’t it seem too…?”
“It’s quiet,” Shrek interrupted.
“That’s right,” Rarity nodded. “Too quiet…”
“Where is everybody?” Apple asked curiously.
“Hey, look at this!” Donkey spoke up.
The group turned as Donkey raced over and pulled a lever attached to a box marked ‘Information’. The music started to wind up, increasing ever so slowly, and then the box opened while playing music. Inside, were these little wooden people, men and women, which proceeded to sing for the bewildered group.
Performers (Sing):
Welcome to Duloc.
Such a perfect town.
Here we have some rules,
Let us lay them down.
Don’t make waves, stay in line,
And we’ll get along fine.
Duloc is a perfect place.
Please keep off of the grass.
Shine your shoes, wipe you… face.
Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place!
Suddenly, soon as the doors closed, there was a camera snap and a picture of Donkey, Shrek, and the rest of the gang emerged. While Shrek and Donkey were clearly dumbfounded, part of the group either cringed at the whole scene, some actually found it amusing, and fewer… well they had no idea what to think.
“Wow… that was so sickeningly sweet I think a cavity just came in,” Raven muttered dryly.
“Let’s do that again!” Donkey proposed.
“I get a turn to crank the lever!” Pinkie volunteered.
Donkey and Pinkie Pie raced over to pull the lever again, but Shrek and Twilight Sparkle grabbed them by the tail (In Twilight’s case, with her magic).
“No, no, no, no, no!” Shrek muttered. “No…”
“We need to focus Pinkie,” Twilight spoke. “We’ve got to find this Farquaad if we hope to help those fairytale creatures. Now, where do we start?”
Suddenly, a series of trumpet fanfare drew the group to the distance afar. Then a voice proclaimed from the distance.
“And here’s the man who made it happen!” A women’s voice proclaimed. “The towering colossus of moxie! Looooooooooord Farquaad!”
“I think we done found him,” Applejack confirmed.
“We better investigate,” Apple White suggested. “But stay close…”
And so the group proceeded to make their way toward all the commotion. While following Shrek and Donkey down the tunnel, which appeared to lead to some form of arena, Donkey and Pinkie Pie couldn’t help but hum along to the Duloc theme song.
“All right, you’re going the right way for a smacked bottom!” Shrek warned.
“Sorry about that,” Donkey smiled sheepishly.
“Besides, that’s my husband’s job!” Pinkie replied, facing the screen. “Hi honey! How’s Lil’ Cheese?”
Eventually, the group reached the center of a stadium-like arena where Duloc’s knights gathered before a large crowd of citizens watching from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and various equipment scattered about the arena floor. And before them, Farquaad stood with his back turned atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards. Slowly, the Equestrians and their allies stepped out onto the arena careful to not be noticed. Soon, a la ‘Evita’, Lord Farquaad turned around to the knights and feigned surprise.
“Oh, it’s you!” Farquaad smiled. “What a terrific surprise.”
And as if this couldn’t be weird enough, Lord Farquaad started to sing.
(Skip to 0:45)
Suddenly, the central balcony lowered toward the arena floor and split apart allowing Farquaad to step out amongst the knights who stood still with discipline. Out another tunnel, a group of male and female performers dressed in bright red and blue outfits with blonde wigs danced around Lord Farquaad, who proceeded to sing and dance with the loyal Dulocians. Silently, the Equestrians watched with a collective ‘WTF?’ stare.
“Hey, let’s hear it for those Duloc dancers! Aren’t they terrific?!”
Quietly observing in the background, the Equestrians and their allies stood watch as Lord Farquaad was putting together some large, yet ridiculous dance-break with the performers. What was even more astonishing was how still the knights stood, not once did it seem anyone seem to break (Least not from the back). Yet, either the song itself or the jazzy beat being so catchy, even Fluttershy couldn’t help but nod her head to the beat. At least until Pinkie Pie turned toward Fluttershy with a rare grumpy face and shook her head to stop her as if Pinkie found this scenario… ‘familiar’.
At one point, in the midst of Farquaad’s dance, he called out ‘Boys!’ and two of the performers lifted him over the floor, his tiny and skinny legs dangling, before they put him down and he continued.
Soon, as Farquaad returned to the platform that rose the balcony straight back up to look over the knights, the crowd erupted in applause. Farquaad basked in all the applause, sometimes lowering his hands to silence them… then with his arms raised up quickly they applauded again. The heroes just stared awkwardly at this whole scene.
“Oh… my… Faust!” Pinkie gaped. “It’s the ‘Our Town!” song all over again!”
“This little man is who all the fairytale creatures are so scared of?” Rainbow asked skeptically. “He’s a flipping fruitcake!”
“For once, I have to agree!” Shrek nodded.
“And now good people of Duloc, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” Farquaad announced. “Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest. Originally, I arranged a raffle drawing… but someone went and broke my barrel!”
Farquaad turned toward the back, expecting to see someone in the darkness deep in the castle. From where they stood, our heroes couldn’t even tell who Farquaad was looking at.
“Nevertheless, we have arranged a series of events to test skill and vigor to determine who remains as our champion!” Farquaad continued. “That champion shall have the honor—no, no—the ‘privilege’ to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon.
“If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.”
Despite the impending doom ahead of the tournament, despite the slight hint of fear beneath the helms of Duloc’s warriors, the crowd around them cheered for these warriors. Shrek and Raven Queen looked around, then noticed a man holding up a cue card toward the crowd which read ‘Applause’. Demonstrating that these people perhaps weren’t cheering under their own will.
“Let the tournament begin!” Farquaad declared.
Turning toward each other, Shrek, Donkey, the Mane Six, Spike, Apple White, and Raven Queen marched past the knights toward Lord Farquaad.
“Uh, excuse me!” Twilight called out.
The knights turned toward the group and were stunned by the interruption. The once-cheering audience stopped and gasped as they finally noticed the motley group in the arena, some of whom wondering ‘What’s going to happen?’.
“What is that?!” Farquaad asked in disgust. “Ugh! It’s hideous!”
“Well, that’s not very nice…” Shrek frowned, facing the group. “… It’s just some ponies, a dragon, two princesses and a donkey.”
His companions realized he thought the diminutive despot was referring to them. ‘Eh?’ was all the Mane Six and Spike had to say.
“I was actually referring to you,” Farquaad reiterated, taking a closer look at the ponies. “But now that you’ve mentioned it, those colors absolutely DO NOT mesh with those equines. Is that even natural?”
The comment made the Mane 6 scowl over the insult.
“Well, I never!” Rarity huffed.
“We will be the bigger ponies… we will be the bigger ponies…” Twilight took a deep breath. “Are you Lord Farquaad?”
“… Maybe,” Farquaad answered. “Does the name strike fear in your heart?”
“No, but that little hat does!” Pinkie pointed out, giggling.
Unfortunately for the group, Pinkie’s sense of humor did not sit well with the diminutive overlord.
“Knights, new plan!” Farquaad announced loudly. “The one who kills the ogre, and his companions, will be named champion! Have at them!”
On command, all the knights slowly stalked toward the stunned group who cautiously stepped back. The knights menacingly wielded a series of weapons to kill their foes. Swords, spears, axes, every medieval tool in the book. They found themselves backing toward the barrels, and Shrek reached for a pint of beer hoping to persuade the knights out of executing him.
“Can’t we just settle this over a pint?” Shrek asked hopefully.
Unfortunately, the request went unheeded. Seeing it wasn’t working, the ogre simply shrugged.
“No? Alright then!”
Shrek downed the mug of mead and raised it over the taper to unleash the rest of the liquid contained inside the barrel.
“C’mon!”
“WAAAAAAAAAIT!!!” Pinkie shouted.
<>
All of a sudden, the entire surrounding area (And the stunned looks of the heroes) seemed to freeze mid-scene. Pinkie leapt up and off the computer screen, her attention facing ahead.
“Come on Mr. Author, can you help us out?” She asked.
“Pinkie Pie, how’d you just leap off the screen?”
“Dude, it’s ‘Pinkie Pie’. She can literally do anything!”
“Thank you, other author,” Pinkie smiled. “Look, is there any way you guys can help us out with this?”
“Pinkie, we’ve been over this before. We ‘can’t’ interfere with the stories.”
“All we can do is tell them as they progress.”
“Okay, but is there any way that I can change the story?” Pinkie asked.
“What do you mean?”
Not even bothering to say another word, Pinkie Pie jumped straight onto the mouse scrolling it toward the top left corner. She back clicked a few times until she came upon a previous story called ‘Wrestlemania Mystery’. Then somehow, she magically leapt right back through the computer screen.
Next thing she knew, she’s back at the WWE training camp in WWE City. Looking toward her right, she noticed none other than Ronda Rousey sitting at the table . She raced over toward the ‘Baddest Woman on the Planet’.
“Hiya Ronda, it’s been a while!” She smiled.
Ronda looked up, surprised by the appearance of a small, pink talking pony.
“Who are you?” She asked confused.
“No time to explain,” Pinkie responded. “I need your help. All you need to do is what you already do best… kick butt!”
Pinkie then grabbed Ronda’s arm, then dragged her behind as she leapt off the computer screen again. Soon she transitioned back to the current story, leaping back into the scene. This left the two authors utterly confused, wondering ‘What just happened?’.
<>
Back in Duloc, Pinkie Pie and Ronda Rousey returned to the spot in the arena where time remained frozen, right before Shrek slammed against the tapper. Ronda looked around toward the frozen figures in the area, more confused than ever.
“What the heck is going on here?” She asked.
“No time for questions,” Pinkie responded. “Soon as everything starts up again, just come out fighting.”
Despite the immense confusion she was feeling, Ronda Rousey couldn’t deny her insatiable desire to fight. Shrugging it off and cracking her knuckles, Rousey was ready for a throwdown.
“I’ve never turned down a fight… and I’m not going to start now.”
That being said, the scene resumed as a familiar tune placed around them once more.
Shrek smashed the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him with the mug. Beer rushed out, knocking the knights down and turning the dirt-covered ground into mud. Shrek slid past the knights and used a spear like a hockey stick to knock one off his feet. Donkey and Fluttershy hopped onto one of the larger beer barrels, which broke free of its ropes and began to roll. Together, they managed to squish two knights into the mud and rolled over another group running after the others.
Shrek, along with the rest (Including Rousey) hopped over a set of ropes to what appeared to be a makeshift wrestling ring. Shrek used the ropes to launch himself at two knights, knocking them over with a double clothesline. Despite the crowd booing at the display, our heroes kept fighting. Applejack jump-kicked one knight, while Rainbow Dash body slammed the other. One knight came from behind Shrek, spear at the ready, and the crowd gasped. But before he could make a move, Ronda Rousey caught him in a full-nelson hold.
“Hey, lady, tag me!” Donkey yelled. “Tag me!”
With a casual nod, Ronda dragged the knight toward Donkey, who leaned on the ropes and delivered a headbutt against the knight. Shrek climbed up the ropes and interacted with the crowd, who were starting to root for the group. The ogre stood atop the ropes, beckoning on the crowd’s cheers.
“Yeah!” Shrek called out.
“Shrek, look out!” Apple White shouted.
Shrek caught a knight sneaking up on him and jumped onto him.
“The chair!” Someone yelled from the stands. “Give him the chair!”
“Okay…” Raven replied casually.
Raven Queen took a folding chair and smacked the knight lying on the ground. Soon Shrek and crew dispatched a few moves against the knights with ease. Twilight and Rarity hurled a knight against the ropes, sending him back and they delivered a double jump-kick knocking him down. Spike lifted a racing knight and slammed him onto the floor with a backslam. Ronda caught one knight in her signature armlock, and the knight was screaming in pain tapping out like a baby. Rainbow Dash lifted one knight in a piledriver position. As she slammed his head toward the floor, Apple White slid her feet against his head further knocking him out cold.
Shrek lifted the last knight, spun him over his head and hurled him against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey and Fluttershy kicked his helmet, one on each side, and a ‘DING!’ erupted signaling the end of the match. Before Farquaad’s eyes, all of his knights were down, and the audience actually went wild for these intruders. While he didn’t know ‘who’ let them in, stealing his thunder, a thought slowly dawned upon him as they celebrated.
“Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah!” Shrek posed. “Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!”
“And thank you, Ronda!” Pinkie shook Ronda’s hand, then zipped a portal open. “You better be going home; we’ll take this from here.”
“I still have no idea what’s going on… but I’ll leave you to… whatever’s going on here!” Ronda replied awkwardly, heading for the portal.
“Oh wait!” Pinkie called out.
Ronda froze as Pinkie approached and pulled out a sack of bits from her mane, placing it into her palm.
“Here… buy yourself something nice!”
“… Thanks?”
Ronda proceeded to take the sack and marched back through the portal, as Pinkie zipped it shut. While everyone else were celebrating, Rainbow Dash showboating for the crowd, Farquaad motioned the guards on the railing, who aimed their crossbows at the group. The crowd gasped and went silent, the others stopped laughing.
“Hey… that’s cheating!” Rainbow whined. “They can’t do that!”
“I do believe they can hon…” Applejack grimaced.
“Shall I give the order, sir?” One guard offered.
Farquaad stared at the group, pondering their fate for a moment. But something about this felt… perfect. Especially looking at the ogre, so big… so hulking… and wonderful expendable.
“No, I have a better idea,” Farquaad smiled sinisterly. “People of Duloc! I give you our champion!”
“What?!” The heroes gasped in unison.
They looked around with confusion, as the crowd cheered to the fanfare playing in the background.
“Congratulations, ogre,” Farquaad continued. “You’ve won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.”
“Uh, excuse us Mr. Farquaad sir,” Rarity spoke politely. “But we’re already on a quest.”
“A quest to get my swamp back!” Shrek added.
“Your swamp?” Farquaad smirked.
“Yeah, my swamp!” Shrek emphasized. “Where youdumped those fairytale creatures!”
“News flash, Ogre, that oozing mud pit is actually within the province of Duloc,” Farquaad corrected. “And therefore, under my jurisdiction.”
“Now look here, half-pint—” Rainbow threatened.
“Wait a minute! Wait a minute!” Farquaad raised his hands. “You’ve nearly accomplished it! I’ll make you a deal. All you need to do is one more simple little task: Go on this quest for me, and I’ll hand over the deed to your swamp.”
“Exactly the way it was?” Shrek raised his brow.
“Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.”
“And the fairytale creatures?” Apple White asked.
“As good as gone,” Farquaad smiled.
“By gone you mean… they won’t be ‘harmed’, right?” Raven clarified.
“No harm whatsoever… if you agree to the quest.”
Shrek glanced toward the soldiers still aiming their crossbows, then turned back to Farquaad.
“What kind of quest?” Shrek asked.
“When you say, ‘little task’, what exactly does that mean?” Twilight added.
“There’s just this… little ‘package’ that I need picked up,” Farquaad answered vaguely. “Oh, Miss Duloc!”
The performer with a Satch that reads ‘Miss Duloc’ entered with a wide smile, posing like a model.
“Fill them in and show them out!” Farquaad ordered.
As Miss Duloc casually lead the group out of the arena, past all the knights groaning in pain, Farquaad turned toward the crowd.
“My people, your queen is on her way!” Farquaad declared, as the performers came out.
As Farquaad marched away, belting into the shadowy darkness inside the castle, Cersei and Regina had witnessed the whole thing. From the glass of the Magic Mirror, they saw Farquaad task the heroes on this adventure to the point he addressed the ogre and his companions. But their main focus was upon Apple White and Raven Queen, yet finding they couldn’t figure out ‘why’ they’d travel amongst the company they were in.
“He really is a fruitcake,” Cersei muttered.
“Now those girls are in cahoots with a donkey, an ogre, a dragon, and ponies?” Regina asked in disbelief. “How did that happen?”
“It matters not,” Cersei replied coldly. “All that matters is that those girls won’t live to see another day.”
“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Regina replied. “If the dragon doesn’t kill them, our giant red friend and our knights are waiting just ahead. They’ll make sure they ‘never’ reach the tower.”
Cersei merely rolled her eyes, scoffing at that. If truth be told, she didn’t trust her newfound companions any more than she could throw them.
“It won’t be enough,” She shook her head. “We need someone to spy on them. Someone to tell us their every move, every word, and every breath they take.”
“And who exactly do you propose is going to do that?” Regina asked skeptically.
Cersei turned back to her fellow evil Queen with a wicked smirk.
“My commanding general of course,” She replied simply.
With one snap of a finger, another figure entered the room. He was dressed from head-to-toe in red, black, and gold Lannister armor except for his head. The armored man had long dark hair and a bushy beard to match. His eyes were cold and calculating, staring blankly toward the Queens.
“This is the commander of my armies, General Venrys Baratheon,” Cersei introduced. “Second cousin of my late husband Robert, though he cared as much for that fat pig as I did.”
“Robert was a drunken fool who cared more about his wine and whores than he did about our kingdom,” Venrys spoke up. “Hence why I’ve pledged my loyalty to the one true ruling power of Westeros.”
“And he’s been a loyal advisor and general ever since,” Cersei concluded. “Now, I need you to act as my eyes and ears. You will follow our enemies wherever they go. Can you accomplish this task?”
“Of course, your grace,” Venrys bowed his head.
Regina just shook her head when an idea came to her head. Reaching behind her, she pulled out a smaller hand mirror and approaches Venrys.
“I suppose if you’re our eyes and ears, you’ll need to communicate with us,” She handed the mirror. “This is connected to my Magic Mirror. You’ll be able to communicate with us through this mirror as you follow the targets.
Venrys merely nodded his head and grabbed the mirror before placing it in his armor. He didn’t get very far when his Queen beckoned his attention.
“Remember General, I do not accept failure,” Cersei warned dangerously. “You know the penalty.”
Venrys merely gave a curt nod and proceeded to make his way from the area and off on his mission.
<>
As Duloc, and its citizens, vanished in the distance behind them, our heroes found themselves outside the boundaries of the castle grounds toward an unknown path to their quest.
“Well that was odd,” Spike remarked.
“Not as odd as you agreeing to go on this quest!” Donkey replied. “’Little task’ my hoof! ‘Rescue a princess’, ‘fight a dragon’… no offense, Spike… man, we got jacked!”
“We?!” Shrek turned around. “I don’t remember inviting ‘any’ of you on this leg of the journey.”
“And what do you know about rescuing princesses?!” Raven asked skeptically.
“I’ve read the stories.”
“And I’ve read the sports page,” Donkey snipped. “That don’t make me a hockey player!”
“Oh come on. Dragon… tower—how hard can it be?”
“Oh, you’d be surprised,” Spike retorted. “What do we know about this Princess Fiona anyway?”
“According to her file,” Twilight read the report. “She apparently likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.”
“Well, she sounds fun,” Apple replied optimistically. “What else does it say?”
“She’s been locked in the tower since she was seven.”
“Ah, that’s sad,” Fluttershy sighed sadly. “All alone since she was seven years old… I can’t imagine what torture she’s been through.”
“I can’t imagine how they can keep her fed for that long,” Rainbow remarked.
“Rainbow!” Rarity scolded.
“Hey, I’m not the only one who thought that!”
“You guys are so weird,” Shrek muttered.
Soon enough, they were crossing through a sunflower field. As they walked along, they found themselves stomping over a garden and Shrek grabbed himself some vegetables for the road… specifically an onion which he munched on.
“So let me get this straight,” Pinkie spoke up. “We’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue the princess, just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you don’t have ‘cuz he filled it with fairytale creatures in the first place. Is that about right?”
“That’s wut he said,” Applejack answered briefly.
“You know what, maybe there’s a good reason donkeys and ponies shouldn’t talk,” Shrek retorted.
“What does that make me?” Spike asked insulted. “Chopped liver?”
“Have you ever gone through a whole day without talking?” Pinkie asked rhetorically. “It’s boring! Don’t you know what it feels like to not talk all the time?”
“Don’t know, don’t care,” Spike answered, munching an onion.
“I don’t get it, Shrek,” Donkey spoke up. “Why didn’t you just make Farquaad give you your swamp back? Pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him lay siege to his fortress? Grind his bones to make your bread, you know, the whole ogre trip?”
“Yeah, why not do any of that?” Rainbow asked. “That would save us all the trouble.”
“Oh, I know what,” Shrek answered sarcastically. “Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen, and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?”
“Ah… no, not really, no,” Donkey shook his head.
“Forget I asked that,” Rainbow spoke sheepishly.
“For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think,” Shrek continued.
“Example?” Twilight asked curiously.
As Shrek searched for an example, he noticed the vegetables he’s still carrying.
“Example? Okay… um…” Shrek pondered, holding out an onion. “Ogres are like onions.”
“They stink?” Spike sniffed.
“Yes—no!”
“Oh, they make you cry?” Pinkie asked.
“No!”
“Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs?” Donkey guessed.
“NO! Layers!” Shrek answered. “Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers—you get it?! We both have layers.”
Shrek threw the onion on the ground at their feet, walking off in a huff.
“Ohhh, you both have layers,” Donkey and Pinkie spoke in unison.
“I never would’ve guessed…” Raven answered in monotone.
Donkey took one sniff of the chewed onion and cringed.
“You know, not everybody like onions.”
“I can hardly imagine anyone that does,” Rarity agreed.
“CAKE!” Donkey called out. “Everybody loves cakes!”
“Yeah, like me!” Pinkie smiled. “Cakes have layers!”
“I don’t care… what everyone likes,” Shrek muttered. “Ogres—are not—like cakes!”
“Parfaits!” Pinkie spoke up. “Everyone likes parfait, andthey have layers too!”
“Have you ever met a person and you say, ‘Hey, let’s get some parfaits’, and they say, ‘Hell no, I don’t like no parfaits’,” Donkey reiterated. “Parfaits are delicious.”
“NO! YOU DENSE IRRITATING MINAUTRE BEAST OF BURDEN!” Shrek snapped, losing his temper. “Ogres are not like cakes or parfaits! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later!”
Shrek walked off leaving Donkey and the others speechless… but only momentarily.
“Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet,” Donkey broke the silence.
“I had some once,” Fluttershy spoke sweetly. “They are tasty.”
“You know, I think I preferred your humming,” Shrek spoke sarcastically.
“Do any of you have a tissue or something?” Donkey requested.
“Why?” Rarity asked curiously.
“I’m making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobberin’.”
Everyone cringed in disgust as they continued on through the fields just as the sun was beginning to set. They were all so preoccupied with their task ahead, none of them took notice of the figure in Lannister armor watching them through a spy glass from a nearby hill.