//------------------------------// // Evil Schemes // Story: Cinematic Adventures: Shrek // by extremeenigma02 //------------------------------// We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you a short musical break. Ladies and gentlemen… Elias… *Guitar strum!* A spotlight fell upon a man with a bushy black beard, a Hawaiian shirt over a blank tank top, jeans, and black boots. He sat upon a stool and held a guitar. *Awkward pause* Well… that was different… This has been a short musical break! And now… back to the Cinematic Adventures! <> Somewhere, in another part of Duloc, a man dressed in an executioner’s hood prepares for the latest form of torture in one of the darkest chambers of the castle. The masked man, Thelonious by name, slams a glass upon the table… and proceeds to pour some milk. While making the final preparations, the castle guards march into the large chamber in single file. Guards (Sings): Farquaad is on his way. He’s on his way. He is nearly here. He’s down the hall. Getting close. He is just outside. Behind the door. He is on his way. Here he is. Right here. The torture chamber doors are thrown open revealing a terrifying, back-lit figure walking from the hallway. The figure was led into the room by two of his guards. But as the shadowy figure got closer and closer, the shadow to get smaller until it was plain to see the knights seemed to tower over him. And then… he was fully revealed before his faithful servant. The man, Lord Farquaad himself, wore his signature outfit of mainly red and black. Atop his head was a red hat with a white top and red cape to match his red tunic with black sleeves. He also wore red gloves with gold trims, black pants, a black belt with a gold buckle around his waist, and black leather boots. He had a big chin, a pageboy haircut… and he was abnormally short (About roughly… four feet tall). As he stood like a figure posing under a spotlight, the masked man was dunking what appeared to be a tiny person into the glass of milk repeatedly. “That’s enough!” Farquaad spoke. “He’s ready to talk.” The Masked Man lifted his hand and in his grasp… was the Gingerbread Man, or just Gingy for short, drawn out of the milk and coughing his lungs out. He was about the size of a human hand, decorated with colorful frosting and two gumdrops, The masked man slammed the living cooking onto a cookie sheet, and it was apparent all that was missing were both his legs. The terrified Gingy was petrified the moment he saw Farquaad. “Ohhhhh, it’s you…” Gingy whimpered. Farquaad maniacally laughed as he approached the table. Soon as he reached the table, he was so short he could barely see above it. He cleared his throat, and the table was lowered on command. Relishing the moment before him, Farquaad pulled out Gingy’s severed legs and started playing with them like toys. “’Run, run, run, as fast as you can,’” He mocked. “’You can’t catch me—I’m the Gingerbread Man!’” “Look what you’ve done to my legs!” Gingy cried. “You’re a monster!” “I’m not the monster here, you are!” Farquaad retorted. He threw one leg at Gingy and crushed the other in his hand, right in front of him. “You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. I know I haven’t gotten them all. Now, tell me! Where are the others?!” “Eat me!” Gingy said defiantly. He spat milk into Farquaad’s eye, which angered the small lord. Farquaad’s guards pulled out various torture devices—a rolling pin, a giant spatula, an egg-beater, a carton of milk… and salted butter. “No!” Farquaad spoke, through clenched teeth. “I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I’ll…” He grabbed for one of Gingy’s gumdrop buttons, threatening to pull it off. “No, no, not the buttons!” Gingy cried out. “Not my gumdrop buttons!” “All right then, who’s hiding them?” Farquaad interrogated, shining the light closer. “Okay, I’ll tell you…” Gingy relented. “Do you know the muffin man?” “The muffin man?” Farquaad asked. “The muffin man.” “Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?” “Well, she’s married to the muffin man.” “The muffin man?” Farquaad asked again. “The muffin man!” Gingy cried. “She’s married to the muffin man…” “ENOUGH OF THIS!” A new voice caused Farquaad to jump and spin just as Lord Tirek, along with two cloaked figures, entered the room from the darkness. All the guards in the room ducked behind their lord, shuddering at the presence of the giant creature. The diminutive lord himself had a mix of terror and confusion on his face at the sight of the centaur and the two mysterious figures. “Who are you?” He questioned. “How did you get in here? I warn you: I have a garrison of guards out there, who’ll arrive in mere seconds.” Tirek merely released an amused chuckle as he and his cohorts stepped forward, towering over the small man. “And why would you trouble yourself with wasting more iron?” Tirek asked, with a smirk. “Especially when we come with an offer you can’t refuse.” “As if I’d actually contemplate anything you have to say!” Farquaad responded defiantly. “You’re obviously another fairytale creature polluting my perfect world. I’ll have you locked away like all the rest of them.” Tirek chuckled once more as he reached out with his massive arm and plucked the small Lord off the ground with one hand, his small legs kicking in the air. The guards were about to approach, when… “Uh, uh, uh…” Tirek raised the other hand. “Wouldn’t have to see how fragile your ‘lord’ really is, would you?” “What’re you doing?!” Farquaad yelled in fear. “Put me down this instant! I don’t like heights!” “Then I really suggest you hear what me and my colleagues have to offer,” Tirek suggested. “Alright, alright, I’ll listen!” Farquaad nodded rapidly. “Just put me down, please.” Tirek lowered Farquaad back to the ground and the little man instantly dropped to his knees, kissing the ground, and thanking some lord above to be back upon it again. As the guards comforted their lord, the two cloaked figures stepped before him which caused them to look up. “Rise up, you fool,” One figure ordered in a feminine voice. Ushering his guards aside, Farquaad slowly rose back to his minor stature and looked up toward the two figures. “Who are you?” He asked curiously. The two figures reached up and grasped the edges of their hoods before pulling them back. The first was a tall yet slim woman with dark green eyes. She had dirty blonde hair that had been cut very short and a small crown nestled upon it. Her entire aura was of a woman full of grace, yet a heart black as the dress she wore. The second figure was also a woman, just as tall but perhaps just slightly shorter than the other woman. She had long dark brown colored hair pulled back in the style of an elegant bun. Her fake brown eyes had an icy stare that perfectly matched the smirk on her ruby red lips. “I am Cersei of House Lannister,” The first figure announced. ‘Lady of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport, Wardeness of the West, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, and Protector of the Realm.” The other figure rolled her eyes before stepping up to introduce herself. “And I’m Regina Mills, Queen of the Enchanted Forest,” She announced. “Unlike my colleague here, I keep all unnecessary titles out.” Cersei snapped her head towards Regina with a sharp look on her face. “Do not vex me!” She warned venomously. “I make the same request of you,” Regina retorted. “Or if you’d like, I could very well… turn up the heat.” Regina proceeded to make a clutching motion with one hand and a ball of fire materialized out of thin air. Tirek quickly stepped between the two bickering queens knowing things were getting intense. “Calm down ladies, after all we’re not here to fight each other,” He reminded them. “Need I remind you we’re here for those meddling kids and those aggravating ponies?” Tirek looked back toward Lord Farquaad, who attempted to put on a brave face. “You see, despite our differences in appearance, we actually have something in common,” He informed the small lord. “We want to destroy those that stand in the way of our intentions. And you’re going to want our help to make that happen.” “MY LORD!!!!” Just then, a door opened, and the Captain of the Duloc Guards stepped in as the villains turned to face him. “We have scoured the land tirelessly and have finally found the one treasure you most seek!” Farquaad quickly covered his mouth to prevent a gasp from escaping. He started to breath heavily, gasping for breath, while Tirek raised his eyebrow at the scene. Farquaad leaned lower than his usual stance, then lifted himself straight, adjusted his wardrobe, and turned toward his captain with a toothy smile. “A pretty pony?” He guessed. “… No!” The captain answered awkwardly. “It’s the magic mirror, sire.” Farquaad looked back and forth between the captain and the invaders. He found himself in a bit of a quandary with what to do. Of course, he had to admit the offer these strangers made certainly seemed tempting. However, he wasn’t entirely certain as to whether they could be trusted or not. Deciding on a whim, he quickly made his decision. “Then what are you waiting for?” He called the captain. “Bring it in!” The captain and more guards entered carrying an object covered by a sheet. As the guards made their way into the chamber, they paused for a moment upon the sight of the strangers and the nervous state of their colleagues. “Is uh—everything alright, my lord?” The guard captain asked nervously. “Indeed captain,” Farquaad assured. “As a matter of fact, everything’s more than alright. Set it up there on that hook.” They mounted the object under the tarp on the wall and the Captain quickly removed the sheet revealing the Magic Mirror itself. A small swirl of smoke appeared in the mirror until the smoke itself took the form of a theatrical face. Everyone, minus Tirek and the two queens, stood in awe. “Ohh…” Gingy gasped in awe. “Magic mirror…” Lord Farquaad began. “Don’t tell him anything!” Gingy yelled. Beside the table, Tirek smacked the cookie man off the table and into a trash can. “ I can’t stand cookies,” He grimaced. “Too sickly sweet.” “Indeed…” Farquaad nodded, facing the guards. “Take that cookie into the swamp!” “The swamp is no place for a cookie!” Gingy cried as the guards carried him. “You’re horrible—” With Gingy out of the way, Farquaad faced the mirror once more. “Evening,” He greeted. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?” “Ah yes, Duloc is a wondrous land,” The mirror responded. “But there is one thing you forgot: You are technically not a king, so a kingdom this is not.” “Uh, Thelonious,” Farquaad addressed his executioner. Thelonious held up a hand mirror and smashed it with his fist, much to the Magic Mirror’s horror. “You were saying?” Farquaad grinned. “What I mean is you’re not a king yet,” The mirror said nervously. “But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.” “Or perhaps… a Queen?” Farquaad suggested facing Cersei and Regina. “Touch me and I’ll roast you alive!” Regina threatened. “I’ll have you flayed, and your skin mounted for display,” Cersei added. The looks the two evil queens gave made Farquaad chuckle nervously before turning back to the mirror. “Go on,” He ushered. “So, just sit back, and relax, my lord,” The mirror told him. “Because it’s time for you to play Duloc’s fastest growing game show sensation: THIS IS YOUR WIFE!!!” Soon the title ‘This is Your Wife’ replaced the Mirror’s face, glowing so brightly that the torture chamber filled with light and color. All the guards eyed the glass, like kids with their eyes staring at a T.V. screen. Soon bouncy gameshow music began playing out of nowhere. “Now let’s meet today’s eligible bachelorettes!” The mirror announced, like a game show host. “And… here they are!” Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror revealed three shadowy portraits of princesses. Farquaad seemed confused but watched silently. Tirek and the queens merely stood a slight distance in the back. “Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away,” The mirror announced. “She likes sushi and hot-tubbing, any time! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome… Cinderella.!” An image of Cinderella doing housework flipped to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Farquaad looked at her approvingly, though the only one who clapped was the captain. “I like the broom…” Tirek replied bluntly. “Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy.” An image of the Seven Dwarves flashed onscreen. The guards laughed at the Mirror’s inside joke. “Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a livewire she is! Come on, give it up for… Snow White!” The mirror showed a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. “Oh, she’s in Tupperware,” Farquaad joked. From the background, Regina dawned a menacing scowl on her face at the mere mention of the princess’ name. Farquaad seemed even more pleased, and everyone else clapped this time. “And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!” The mirror displayed an image of a giant dragon beside a tower, then a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shined upon the screen and Farquaad covered his eyes. However, this didn’t deter his interests. “But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing… Princess Fiona!” The mirror presented a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again, everyone clapped. “So, will it be: Bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?” The mirror asked. “Oh, they’re all so nice!” Farquaad grinned nervously. “I don’t know! Boys, what do you say?” The mirror flipped through each of the princesses’ portraits. The guards shouted out different numbers, while Farquaad frantically tried to decide. Most of them were shouting ‘two’ or ‘three’. “One, two, three, one, three, one… “Farquaad counted, facing the guards. “One, three, two, three… THERE’S NO FOUR!” “Three!” Thelonious spoke up. “Pick number three, my lord!” “Okay, okay, uh… number three!” Farquaad chose. “Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen… Princess Fiona!” The mirror answered. Wild applause erupted from the guards, even those at home reading the words ‘Applause!’ on the big screen. The whole while, Farquaad was captivated by the portrait of Fiona his bride-to-be. “Princess… Fiona… she’s perfect,” Farquaad smirked happily. “Except for that dragon and lava thing. I’ll have to find someone else to go…” “Big surprise…” Tirek spoke to himself. “But you know, I probably should mention the little thing about the princess that happens at night,” The mirror warned. But it was obvious Farquaad wasn’t listening at all, he was too busy formulating a plan. “I’ll do it!” Farquaad said determined. “Yes, but after sunset…” “Silence!” Farquaad snapped at the mirror. “I shall make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men, summon the citizens, and Thelonious, tell the Royal Coiffeur I need to get my hair pressed. We’re going to have a tournament!” The guards formed a line and bowed to their lord before making their way out the room as instructed. This left Farquaad alone in the room once more, along with his new colleagues. “Is that all this magic mirror can do?” Regina asked. “Can’t it show you more than just a picture of this princess you wish to find? Can it show other things like say… your enemies?” “I’m afraid not, ma’am,” The magic mirror responded. “For the only thing I can provide are answers to quandaries.” “In other words… that makes you completely useless!” Regina scoffed. “Luckily, I happen to have a mirror of my own that can tell us exactly what we need to know. Guards!!! Bring me my mirror… and remove the outdated one!” With a snap of her fingers, a couple of black knights entered the chamber carrying a different mirror. A few others came in and grabbed hold of the other mirror. “Wait, you can’t take me away!” The mirror yelled. “I can still be of use; you didn’t even look at my special features! I’ve got extras! Fiona’s portrait gallery, the story of the curse, deleted scenes--” But his words fell on deaf ears as the knights carried the old mirror out and brought in the new one. They hung it right on the very spot where the old mirror used to be, and Regina stepped right in front of it. “Mirror!” She said loudly. Just then, in a puff of blue smoke, a much different face appeared in the magic mirror. The face of that of an elder man with a dark beard and aged skin. “What can I assist you with, your majesty?” The mirror asked. “There are enemies somewhere in this world who threaten our plans,” Regina informed the mirror. “I need you to find them.” However, the magic mirror looked rather hesitant. “Forgive me, my Queen,” He apologized. “My abilities to look through the mirror realm are heavily altered in this realm.” This did not bode well for Regina at all. An angry glare spread across her face. “Need I remind you that you live to serve me?!” She yelled. “You have no choice in the matter, Mirror. You will do as I ask… or I’ll grain you into sand!” The Magic Mirror stared down the Evil Queen for a moment. Then he sighed to himself, looking down in defeat. “Yes, my Queen,” He said. “I shall do all I can to aid you.” “That’s more like it,” Regina smirked. “Now you know what to do. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, show me who we want to kill most of all.” In another puff of smoke, a new image appeared in the mirror. The image was of the Mane Six and Spike traveling the countryside alongside Shrek, Donkey, Apple White, and Raven. They were traveling through the night trying to find their way. “There they are,” Cersei pointed at the two teens. “Those two brats who escaped when my knights slaughtered all in their realm. They may have escaped once, but I can assure they won’t escape me again.” “No, they won’t,” Tirek agreed. “Not them… or those ‘ridiculous’ ponies and their puny dragon.” The sound of someone clearing their throat drew the trio’s attention toward Lord Farquaad. “And what of me?” He asked. “You said you’d help me with what I want.” Tirek leaned toward the tiny Lord and placed a giant hand on his shoulder, much to his chagrin. “Don’t worry, little man,” Tirek smiled wickedly. “You will get what you want as we will get what we want. Play along with our plans, and everything goes off without a hitch.” “And what exactly is your plan?” Farquaad asked. Tirek turned his attention back to the two Queens. “I will take a garrison of your guards and go ahead to the castle where this princess is being held,” He told them. “No doubt those dimwit do-gooders will end up heading there at some point.” To which Cersei and Regina merely nodded and a small army of black knights and Lannister knights marched into the room. Tirek proceeded to lead the small army out and off to begin their wicked scheme. This left Lord Farquaad with Regina and Cersei. “So… what do we do now?” Farquaad asked. “I’m not sure what your intentions may be, but I for one am in need of some wine,” Cersei responded. “Allow me to show you to my finest cellar!” Farquaad volunteered. “Ooh! I’m going to get a queen!” “I’ll join you shortly,” Regina added. Farquaad and Cersei proceeded to make their own way from the room with their own garrison of guards. Alone, Regina turned her attention to where the old mirror was being taken and a thought occurred to her. <> “HALT!!!” The knights carrying the old mirror stopped as Regina stomped her way toward them. They positioned the mirror so the face could see the intense look of the queen herself. To suggest he seemed intimidated was an understatement. “You said you had some information on Princess Fiona?” Regina questioned. “So, you do need to know of her predicament?” The mirror answered with a question. “’Leverage’… that’s all I need,” Regina corrected. “Frankly, I trust Cersei as much as I trust my own battalion. Not to mention, those magic cancelling items I’ve been supplying may not be enough. But the more I know about this princess, the better it will work in my favor. Now… what can you tell me about the princess?” “If you want to know more, just click ‘backstory’,” The mirror explained, showing the option. “And you’ll get to see the princess when she was seven years old.” As instructed, Regina placed her hand on the glass to the spot where the ‘backstory’ symbol was on display. Then, the mirror proceeded to glow, and Regina braced herself for the divine knowledge she was about to have in her possession. <> Flashback… Once upon a time, there was a little princess named Fiona, who lived in a kingdom ‘Far, Far Away’. One fateful day, her parents told her that it was time for her to be locked away in a desolate tower, guarded by a fire-breathing dragon—as so many princesses had for hundreds of years before. Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? A poor little princesses hidden away from the world, high in a tower, awaiting her one true l— “Just get to the point!” Regina ordered. Alright, alright! We find the princess, seven years old, sitting by herself in the tower awaiting for true love’s kiss to rescue her. Every day, she’d sit alone in her tower with her toys as her only form of company. And every day, while waiting for some knight to brave the dangers posed by the dragon, she’d read to her toys as if they were her own friends. <> “STOP!!! I’ve heard enough!” Regina declared. The whole image within the mirror disappeared as the spirit of the magic mirror himself returned, slightly nervous yet curious of Regina’s reaction. But she gave no other response, no other words. With a gesture of her hand, the guards assumed the command and resumed carrying the mirror away without waiting to hear an objection. Having gotten what she needed, or at least partially, Regina straightened herself up and worked her way to join the others. “I hate it when they sing…” Regina muttered.