"Up next, Dave's Sporting Hour. You may wish to switch stations."
"Hello everypony and welcome. Welcome of course, to Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour here on Fillydelphia Radio, where we've got all of the scores, the action, and the tantrums from around the league. As usual I'm joined here in the studio by Jim, how's it going?"
"Could be worse."
"How's the divorce?"
"Yeah... could be worse."
"Anyway let's move straight on to the scores on the doors, starting with our beloved Eagles, after this; imagine what Sweet Apple Acres Cider could do for you, and your family, today."
"The Eagles were at home this Sunday and of course, the fan support was outstanding. I commentated on the game for Fillydelphia Radio and I'm sure many of you listened in, both at the game and those of you unable to make it. There was non-stop cheering for the mighty Eagles right until the bitter end. Unfortunately the team were unlucky, losing 95-71 to the visiting Gallopers in a disappointing performance for all involved. They missed some good opportunities whilst the Gallopers took theirs, and simply couldn't keep it together in a final charge for victory. Let's hear what the coach had to say."
"I cannot believe that I'm still wasting my time with this team, they're a terrible outfit and I'd rather field a team of headless nuns than these miserable ponies. Come training on Monday, these slackers will be cleaning every toilet in the stadium with nothing but their bare hooves."
"What do you think of that, Jim?"
"Sounds like the coach is the right man for the job, Dave.
"Absolutely, and he's clearly looking to improve so that the Eagles will pick up their first W this weekend; we've already got reports of a quarterback shake-up and some movement amongst the wide receivers. These changes should be enough to secure victory in rural Ponyville on Sunday. Of course the Packers are also 0 and 2, losing in a close contest with the Chargers down on the farm. Speaking of farms, have you tried Sweet Apple Acres Cider? There's none better in all of Equestria."
"How do you rate the Eagles' chances against the Packers, Jim?"
"I've never liked the Packers."
"So you're picking an Eagles win?"
"I don't like to take sides, Dave."
"Well I'm certainly picking our brave home team, and hopefully we'll be here this time next week reporting on a great win."
"Other scores around the league; the Ponies slipped to 0 and 2 with a defeat against the unbeaten Beats by only two points - the Ponies could be one to watch in the coming weeks, their improvement since Week One has been impressive. This week's form team was the Broncos, racking up a Nelson of points against the Colts and winning 111-84. Nearly everypony is predicting an Eagles Broncos Superbowl this time around, which would certainly be an exciting game. And finally the terrible Ravens sneaked past the $hy$ thanks to some dubious officiating. Nobody knows just how the Ravens have managed to stay unbeaten so far this season, but I'm sure there will be an investigation by the league into bribery and match-fixing."
"Quite right too, nothing worse than cheaters who win."
"Well said Jim. Anyway, let's go to the phones now, who's on line one? What's your opinion on the Ravens cheating situation?"
"Oh, I don't know, I was just ringing in to ask a question."
"Shoot!"
"I'm doing my fantasy team and I was wondering, will the Eagles be high-scoring next week against the Packers?"
"Jim?"
"I really don't know anything about fantasy football."
"Well I'd say that it'll be a shoot out in Ponyville so go go go with the Eagles' offence."
"Gee, thanks."
"Who's on line two? Anypony got something to say about the Ravens?"
"No, I just wanted to say that you should all get yourselves down to Speedy Motor's Coach Emporium and pick up a huge bargain! That's right we've got all kinds of coaches from big to small, and they're all at prices right for you!"
"Hey now, get off the line, no free advertising here. Which reminds me, if you haven't stuck a quart of Sweet Apple Acres Cider down your throat yet, Jim here will come and do it for you! Line one?"
"Jim! I told you to stop calling me!"
"Well here now listeners, this is Mrs Jim Butterfingers live on the radio. Say hi to everypony, ma'am?"
"Shut up Dave. Jim, are you listening to me? I've told the police about you phoning me and following me and it's got to stop!"
"I just want you back!"
"But I don't want you! Leave me alone!"
"Sounds like we've got ourselves a debate here, anypony care to guess who'll win?"
"If you don't keep your huge nose out of this Dave, I'll be having words with your wife too."
"Well I think that on that note we can end the show, thankyou to all of the ponies who've phoned in and thank you to my co-host, Jim!"
"I've gotta go..."
"He'll be back, same time same place next week folks! Week three looks like an exciting match up for every team and we'll see who's leading the leagues come our next show. But for now, this is Radio Dave signing off on the Super Sporting Super Hour! Until next time, keep supporting those Eagles! Green pride! I'll leave you with what the Eagles coach had to say."
"I have never seen a worse display of football in thirty years. I'm so angry that I smashed my coffee cup in the dressing room. Oh yes, one of our tight ends is now on injury reserve. But quite apart from that, I've literally been tearing my mane out over this. See? This is a clump of my mane! In my hoof! Look!"
"Uhh, that's okay coach."
"Whatever, I just hope that next week my players don't act like such a bunch of spoiled foals who can't tackle or do anything without getting their hooves dirty. It was like watching Baltimare under-two fillies out there. They're not stallions, they're just fillies! I'm going to get the playbook and beat the worst offenders until they can't see out of either eye, and they will thank me for it. Nothing is worse than soft players, y'hear? In my day you could have your hooves torn off in a feisty tackle and still play to the end. I once shattered the spine of a weedy wide receiver and even he had the decency to keep lining up for snaps!"
"Well, thank you for the interview..."
"I'm going to go and self-mutilate so that I can deal with this ridiculous team I'm supposed to be coaching. If the home dressing room burns to the ground in an inferno I won't be sorry."
"That was Radio Dave's Sporting Hour. We apologise."