//------------------------------// // What the Fuck is a Cutie Mark? // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// Oh my god, this purple unicorn does not stop asking questions. Twilight, in all her glory, has asked me most of the questions in regards to Changelings, for some reason. Like, lady, there are two drones and a Queen. Why are you asking a guy that hangs out with said drones and Queen the questions? Sure, I might know a few things, but I’m not an expert. I’m the Queen’s teddy bear, not an expert, Sparkle Butt. “So, can Changelings eat flowers? I know they mostly prefer a meat and love base diet, but can they stomach flowers?” Twilight asked. Scatter was currently gnawing on a rock(and actually eating bits of it). Skitter was just sitting around while looking bored out of his mind, while Chrysalis tried to look polite, but I could tell that she wanted to leave as soon as possible. When we signed up to answer a few questions, we probably weren’t expecting a million question long questionare.  I gestured a horn to Scatter. “Changelings can clearly stomach anything if there’s one, in the same room as you, eating fucking a rock,” my neck finally gave out as my head slammed against the table. “Are we done yet? It’s almost lunch and I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast. Yesterday's breakfast. And I kinda threw up on the way here.” A little, purple dragon then walked into the room carrying five trays of food. Well, that problem is solved, and the food actually looks pretty good. On the bright side, free food, but on the other side of things, now we didn’t have a reason to stop. Chrysalis eyed her sandwich, which looked like a daisy sandwich before swallowing it whole, while Scatter opted to keep eating her rock. Skitter started munching on his sandwich with zero complaints. Then again, Skitter liked pineapple on pizza, so his tastes are invalid. “I suppose we can have a little break,” Twilight pointed a hoof at Chrysalis. “Wasn’t your carapace cracked yesterday? How did you heal so quickly?” the mare asked. “Changeling Queens are like alicorns; we are hard to injure, let alone kill. On top of that, Changelings have a healing factor that uses love as the fuel for it. I was quite drained of magic, and by extension, love, after fending off the power of an Alicorn Amulet powered unicorn, so I couldn’t quickly heal like I wanted to.” I was then grabbed up in the Queen’s magic, and levitated into her embrace. With that, Twilight began to write what Chryssy said like it was gospel. “Luckily, I have a stallion to fuel me up on love, so I healed over the night after our love session,” Chrysalis smirked and I knew what she was playing at. “In other words, I got to ride Chrysalis in bed. It was pretty cool-“ my mouth was shut by a pink glow. Good thing that purple dragon was in another room, since I think he was like, twelve or something. Chrysalis’s horn glowed its usual acid green, and my muzzle was freed from Twilight’s grasp. “Last night was really fun, by the way. Skitter and Skatter even joined in.” “Well sir, it would be wrong to not join in,” Skatter said. She bit a whole chunk out of her rock, chewed it up really quickly, and swallowed it. What the actual fuck, Scatter?  “We’re talking about cuddling, by the way. No orgies. I don’t think Changelings and ponies can even do what we were implying. Also it would be really weird for Skitter and Skatter to join in, since Chryssy’s their biological mother. Plus it would be even weirder since I’m not really a bug-horse-lubber. I love hanging out with’em, but I don’t want to do ‘that’ stuff with them,” I said. Twilight’s concern and disgusted face dropped into a sigh. “Oh thank Celestia, I thought you were actually talking about what I thought you were talking about.” “I’m a comedian, Twilight. I don't take what spews out of my own mouth seriously. I might suck at being a comedian, but you should not take anything I say seriously, ever. If you did, then you’ll have several brain farts, aneurysms, and ‘Twilight.exe not workings.’” Before the scholar could even begin to ask what that meant, I poked Chryssy a couple of times, and we teleported out of the library. Soon after, Scatter and Skitter followed suit, and we made a run for it. Good, loveable freedom! How have I missed you! So, that’s good to know for later, if Twilight asks if she can ask you a couple of questions, then say ‘no’. If that doesn’t work, jump out the nearest window and hope that a unicorn that studies magic and friendship doesn’t know how to use magic or friendship to catch you. If she does, then immediately try to off yourself, just to avoid another game of ‘one million questions’.  Anyhow, now that we aren’t being assaulted by magically enhanced unicorns, or unicorns that like books way too much, or anything like that, it’s time to explore this tiny little town. You know, this was a quaint little place, the air was somehow clearer than it was in Canterlot, seemingly more peaceful, and a lot less fancy looking. I loved what was now my home city, but perhaps I should somehow buy a vacation home around here, and just go enjoy myself every now and then. Surely, with ponies that were the literal embodiment of ancient, powerful artifacts Ponyville would be extra safe and terrible stuff wouldn’t happen here every other week. Three little fillies, who were admittedly adorable, ran by with little daggers in their mouths chanting ‘hunting cutie marks’ along the way. That was, until they stopped and did a double take on the three undisguised Changelings, one of which was as tall as Sunbutt and wearing a crown, and did a collective ‘Whoa’. “Are you the feller that took down that mean ol’ Trixie?” the one with a huge, pink bow tie asked. She kinda had the same accent that Apple Jack did, so they could possibly be related, or I could potentially just be making labels because two ponies’ voices have the same accent. “Uh… yeah,” I said while rubbing the back of my head. What’s with the crazy look in the orange pegasus’s eyes? Actually, why are all three of them looking at me like that?  “Girls, we can get our hoof to hoof combat cutie marks!” The orange one said, dropping her little, plastic, dagger on the ground. Thank god she was not running with an actual, metal dagger, or that would’ve ended horribly. Wait a fucking second- combat cutie marks? The fuck’s a cutie mark? Maybe I should’ve asked Celly what the butt tattoos were actually called, or straight up talk to somebody that wasn’t Chrysalis or either of my guards. I looked back at Chrysalis, who was staring at the children with an amused look, before shaking her head at me. God dammit, you fucking bug horse, you’ve just doomed me to whatever the fuck a ‘cutie mark’ was. And you can sense my dread, you asshole, and you’re just sitting there while three fillies drag me away while chanting ‘hoof to hoof cutie marks’ and whatever the hell else. I honestly stopped paying attention after I bumped my head on a couple of rocks. Oh look, I’m being dragged through an apple orchard… is that a dog? Well, I couldn’t tell if it was a dog or a cat since it was kinda blurry. It turned out that bumping your head on the ground while being dragged by three fillies is a good way to get brain damage. So that’s what I need, my unmedicated, ill brain needs some extra brain damage on top of whatever broke as soon as I was born. My head made contact with wood and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in what looked like a little clubhouse. These little fillies had beaten me up unintentionally, while a trained Royal Guard captain couldn’t even hit me. What world are we living in? Hell, that’s where we’re living. Why the fuck were three fillies more interested in me than the three bug horses anyways? Yeah, I tripped over a bush and knocked out a terrorist by doing so, but surely Skitter and Skatter are cooler than me. They can turn their hooves into pizza cutters! “So, why did you drag me across town into your little club house?” I asked while my vision began to clear up. I grunted as I felt my head throb from the heavy amount of trauma it received on the way here. I probably have a concussion, definitely a headache and maybe a concussion.  “We want to get our cutie mark in hoof to hoof combat,” the orange one said. “Cool. Why do you want a cutie mark for that?” I asked. All three fillies glared at me. “What? Being good at hurting people isn’t exactly a good thing, y’know.” “Because that would mean we’re good at something! We’ve tried everything, mountain climbing, tree cutting, face painting, and we even tried roller skating!” the small, white unicorn filly said. Ouch, her voice was kinda squeaky, but then again, she was probably ten right? If ponies aged like humans, then these kiddos haven’t reached a point where their voices don’t hurt to listen to. At least, the unicorn didn’t. The pegasus and the earth pony had voices that didn't break my eardrum. “So, you’re trying to find… a calling in life, eh? Something you’re good at, that you enjoy?” The three fillies nodded, while giving me looks that said, “obviously.” Well, that would explain why they want to learn how to beat people up. I could maybe best up a malnourished orphan, but anything bigger would give me trouble if I didn’t trip and body slam into them. So I wasn’t gonna be able to teach them how to box anyways. “Well, I won’t teach you how to punch somebody.” “But what about our cutie marks?” “You guys are really, really going at this whole ‘calling in life’ thing the wrong way,” I said while remembering psychology class.  “How? We’ve tried everything!” The earth pony said. “For starters, you guys are trying everything whilst focusing on the reward. In this case, it’s a cutie mark, a sign that shows you’re good at something,” I said while tapping my chin with a hoof. “If you focus on the reward, you don’t focus on what you’re doing. For all you know, you three could be excellent at painting, tried it, and focused on potentially getting a cutie mark out of it. If you were to sit down, paint something, or even sketch multiple things, you might enjoy it. “Then from there, you can start getting better at it, and eventually either turn it into a career that screams your name, or even find out you don’t enjoy it as much as something else. I wanted to be a firefighter when I was a wee little thing, but found out that I like making people laugh more. So I went to school in the pursuit of comedy and  psychology. Heck, I’m not even sure if that’s what I want to do with myself. “Just try stuff, stuff you tried already, again, but don’t think about your cutie marks while doing it. Just focus on the thing. If you enjoy it, and it’s truly something that calls you, and draws you in, then keep doing it. You’ll improve at that thing and eventually get the cutie mark. Not because you actively went for the cutie mark, but because you’re good at something and genuinely enjoy it.” The three fillies stared at me with wide eyes, absorbing all that I had said in full. “Plus, what’s the big rush in getting a cutie mark? I didn’t know what I wanted to do until I was eighteen, and you guys are…” “twelve,” the pegasus said. “Yeah, you’ve got time to discover something you love doing.” “But we get made fun of for being Blank Flanks!” the unicorn said. “Hmm,” I tapped my chin a couple times. Chances are these kids were being bullied by their peers, and that wasn’t very cool. Well, I wasn’t sure what I can do, since I’m not sure I would be allowed inside a classroom full of children. Also I’m pretty sure that drop kicking a child would be pretty illegal, even if said child is an asshole. “We could bring you to show and tell tomorrow!” the unicorn said. It just occurred to me that I don’t know these kids’ names. Whoops, that’s probably not a good thing, or a very polite thing. It’s probably fine, I’ll learn these kids’ names at some point, but I’ll need to call these three, Wait up, bring me, to show and tell? Alrighty then, I guess that’s a thing that’s gonna happen tomorrow. “So like, you three never told me your names. I think it would be kinda rude to call you Orange, White, and Yellow. “ “Wait, we never… shoot!” The Orange one placed a hoof on her chest. “I’m Scootaloo!” The Yellow one stood beside her pegasus friend. “I’m Apple Bloom!” Okay, so she was related to Apple Jack. I think, since… last names make no fucking sense here. Twilight and Shining Armor were siblings, but had no discernible last name that connected them, so that’s cool.  The little unicorn stood next to her other two friends. “I’m Sweetie Bell!” The three of them got on two legs like they were doing some whacky intro to a bunch of characters because the writers had no clue where else to introduce said characters. Like a certain guy that I know of, who didn’t know how else to introduce three characters. “And we’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” The fillies shouted at the top of their lungs. Ow, my ears, these three sounded like chipmunks when they shout like that. “So when should I be at school tomorrow?” I asked. “Actually, where the heck is that? I’m kinda… not a local, after all.” “It’s on Hoof’s South Street Road!” Wow, good name for a street and road. “Just be there before noon!” I’m gonna just go there at the crack of dawn. The three fillies let me go and it just occurred to me that I don’t know where the fuck Hoof’s South Street is. That’s probably not good. “Hey there partner! Long time no see!” Apple Jack waved a hoof at me as she approached from… I dunno. For some reason, she had a picnic basket on her back. “I was hoping to talk to you as soon as you got off the train yesterday, but that darn Trixie had me kind of occupied,” she said. The farm pony wrapped a hoof around me, and I really wanted to push her away. “So I heard you think that cooked fruit is a terrible idea, and that you hate apple pie.” “Uh… how the fuck do you know that?” I asked. “But yeah, apple pie sucks.” “I bet I can change your mind,” Apple Jack then made me sit down while she set up what looked like a nice, little picnic. Well, until she pulled a pie, that was still steaming(like it was fresh out of the oven-) oh. She made an apple pie and that was concerning. Before I could blink, a slice was cut out of the pie, and set on a plate in front of me. “Well? Go on, take a bite! I guarantee that the Apple Family Secret Recipe pie will make you think twice before passing up on apple pie!” Well, I can’t let the pie go to waste, can I? I took a knife and fork, which just popped up on my plate, and cut off a bite size piece of the pie. Without thinking, I popped it in my mouth and shuddered. Urgh… the flavor was good, but the texture was just… no. Nope, not again, I don’t like slimy apples, and I especially don’t like a pie with slimy apples. I swallowed the horrid, wretched culinary insult while my stomach protested every second of the experience. “I hate it-” A stetson had hit me in the face and the next thing I know, I’m being chased across town by an angry Apple Jack. Boy did I learn a lot of pony obscenities and slurs by the time that mare stopped chasing me. Luckily, Queen Chrysalis was kind enough to have Skitter and Skatter recover me after I ran into an alley. That, or they were following me the whole time, and were busy eating popcorn while a crazy woman chased me throughout Ponyville. On the bright side, I’m in apparently good shape, since I didn’t completely feel like my chest was going to cave in on itself, and my lungs weren’t heaving as much. “So sir, how was being chased by a mare?” Skatter asked. “Not too shabby, but being chased by a girl should be fun. That wasn’t fun.” I said while I caught my breath. “How… the hell did she know I hated apple pie, by the way?” Skitter’s eyes lit up with slight amusement while he snickered. That damn Changeling, that was a good prank, but what the fuck man? I thought we were cool! And then you sick that crazy bitch on me, and leave me to be assaulted by three fillies who wanted butt tattoos? “Next time sir, we’ll let Apple Jack catch you,” Skitter said with a smirk. “Oh goodie, I’m gonna die!” “No, we’ll only let her castrate before we rescue you.” Oh great, I’m gonna be a girl next time I meet Apple Jack. that bitch was fast.