Big Macintosh strained against his harness, pulling with every ounce of his magically enhanced earth pony strength. The taut strap gave an ominous *creak* as the overloaded cart slowly yielded to the farmpony’s persistence. Sweat poured down the stallion’s sun-beaten brow in streams. The weather had not been kind today.
“Welp, Granny warned us,” Mac thought to himself. “Got no clue how she knew, but I ain’t seen a single cloud all day long. Where is that darned weather pony?”
Across the freshly furrowed field, his sister Applejack shared his sentiments, though in a slightly more vocal way.
“CONSARNIT RAINBOW DASH, WHERE THE HAY ARE YOU YA LAZY VARMINT!? OF ALL THE LAZIEST, DUMBEST, FLERTYTOOTINIST, FEATHER-BRAINED, UNDERHOOFED, TRAITOROUS, COW-HEADED…”
Macintosh tuned his sister out in favor of glaring at the sun above. Normally the humble stallion held nothing but the highest respect for the illustrious solar princess. Today, however, was an exception. You see, Macintosh Apple was no dumb pony. At least not in the meaning of the word having to do with knowledge. The crimson stallion was painfully aware that the current outdoor temperature was at least twenty degrees hotter than what the weather team (*cough*, Rainbow Dash) had forecasted. That by itself would have been sufficient cause to warrant an angry visit to the prismatic mare’s cloud house/mansion/palace/homethingy. (Seriously, how she even got a zoning permit for such a huge residence was beyond him.)
“…SINGLE-MINDED, FOALISH, IRRESPONSIBLE, HALF-WITTED, DERISIBLE, DUNDERSOULED,…”
What set this day apart, though, was the complete lack of moisture in the air, something Macintosh had experienced only once before. Several years ago, Macintosh had visited the vast deserts of the Badlands in southern Equestria during a “family business trip”. Seven-year-old Little Mac had wondered what sort of “business” would require his ancient grandmother to travel out into the middle of the desert where, inexplicably, an entire tribe of primitive bug-ponies popped out of the ground and proceeded screech at the pair in a rather rude fashion. Nonplussed, Granny Smith merely stomped her hooves on the ground twice, whereupon a loud rumble sounded and the earth shook for a solid half hour.
The bug-ponies became rather subdued after that, or at least that is what Little Mac inferred from their trembling, prostrate forms flattened on the ground. After several hours of equal coaxing and threatening by the crotchety mare, a pair of the chitinous ponies appeared carrying a glowing pink barrel. This seemed to cause some distress to the crowd, as they began emanating a great amount of wailing chirps and various other mournful noises. This rather creepy dirge soon turned to sounds of rejoicing, however, as Granny Smith proceeded to plant a loud and utterly inappropriate kiss on each of the barrel bearers’ foreheads. The offended ponies/beings turned pink, both literally and, um, literallier.
Macintosh did not think that having liquid pink goo gushing from every orifice on your body could possibly be healthy, and said as much to his grandmother. Granny Smith snorted and replied that it was quite healthy for THESE ponies thank you very much. Little Mac wisely shut up after that and assisted his grandmother in lugging the large and dangerous-looking barrel back to Ponyville. In an equally wise decision, he also determined to never speak of the occurrences of that trip to anypony.
Returning to the present, Macintosh came to the conclusion that the complete lack of moisture in the atmosphere was probably a contributing factor to both the unbearableness of the heat and the apparent inability of the weather ponies (*cough*, Rainbow Dash) to create cloud cover. As previously mentioned, Macintosh Apple was certainly not a dumb pony.
“…WHEN I GET MY HOOVES ON YA…”
Applejack, on the other hoof, did not seem to hold the same opinion as her brother, preferring to viciously attribute all her woes on the hapless Rainbow Dash (who was currently passed out on the roof of Ponyville’s guard recruitment center).
Sighing, Macintosh returned to the monumental task of hauling his heaping cart of apples to the nearest barn. The cool, dark cellar beneath would provide a protected storage for the crimson fruits. He could only hope that they would not spoil before he got there.
Blue stared into the frosted glass, trying to decipher the soul of the morose and pallid stallion gazing back. His normally royal blue mane was the color of midnight, drenched in nervous sweat. War drums echoed throughout the shower stall. Distantly, Blue recognized that it was probably unhealthy for his heart to beating so loudly. As if under a spell, he watched, fascinated as a white hoof pulled on the faucet handle. The resulting deluge of cold water caused him to collapse, his still-quivering legs finally relieved of their burden. As the cascade continued, Blue took a calming breath. And another. And another. Several minutes later he slumped against his bathroom wall, having finally calmed his palpitating heart.
The princess questioned me. She had me on the ropes. And I… I lied to her! I lied to her, and she believed me!
Blue shuddered as he recalled what was definitely the worst hour of his life to date.
Princess Celestia even apologized to me for her incorrect assumptions. Granted, it was rather insulting that she would call me a bigot to my face—but I am still a liar!
Blue groaned and shoved his face deeper into his towel, ruffling his mane as it dried back to its normal color. Not only had the princess apologized, but she had also invited him to evening tea as an apology. A teatime which would undoubtedly be just as uncomfortable as the one he had survived earlier.
Blue paused. How strange. What kind of pony has tea multiple times a day? That seems a bit… excessive. Aha! The princess must have planned to have already departed from Ponyville by this evening. She probably has a very busy schedule. Yet she has graciously granted me more of her precious time in order to properly apologize. What a wonderful ruler you are, princess!
A few miles away, Celestia cackled madly from within the leaves of an apple tree as she watched her panicked guard scrabble around in panic as he desperately tried to find his escaped princess.
What genius, what wit! Now I can have TWO cakes in one day! Not only that, but Applejack’s Element of Honesty is the perfect trap to catch this stallion in his deceptions… whatever they might be. Equestria, behold the greatness of your princess! “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Big Mac backed away from the possessed apple tree with terror on his face. “Nnnnnope nnnope nnnope!”
Blue finished drying off and immediately began to style his mane. He had failed to look his best for the princess earlier, when he had not expected the visit. He would not make the same mistake again. Having finally completed his ablutions, the alabaster stallion turned to his wardrobe. The black sports coat which he had worn earlier was in a sad state of disarray, courtesy of the intense heat and pressure of a disgruntled sun princess. It was certainly in no state to be worn again. Fortunately, True Blue was a viscount, a middle-class noble of a well-off lineage. He had spared no expense in stocking his wardrobe, that being a luxury every noble must possess. With a flourish of his hoof, Blue threw open the door to display its contents…
…which were revealed to be seven more completely identical black sports coats. For all his good looks, Blue’s sense of style was sadly lacking. Unfortunately for the poor stallion, nopony had ever thought to teach him the intricacies of fashion. Instead, his mother (who was perhaps the only member of his family who possessed more than a modicum of common sense) had gifted him with one of these sports coats upon his graduation from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. At his graduation party that night, Blue received numerous compliments on his stylish attire from the beautiful mares in attendance. As he was but a susceptible young stallion, these comments led Blue to believe that he had discovered the pinnacle of style in dress. Combining this thought with his father’s teaching that “one can never have too much of a good thing”, Blue promptly went out the next day and ordered several more of the same coat.
Several blocks away, Sweetie Belle fled in terror as an ear-piercing wail began emanating from the first floor of a certain boutique. The Element of Style Element of Generosity knew not where her sudden sorrow had come from, but she somehow sensed that a great travesty of fashion had occurred.
Unaware of the distress he has caused, True Blue pushed his forelegs through the sleeves of a white button-up. Turning to his dresser, he used his navy magic to open the ornate mahogany jewelry box thereupon. He felt no shame or embarrassment in doing so, as every proper stallion in Equestria of course owned a jewelry box! The carvings on said box depicted his ancestor Delusional Spear (better known as Louie) defending himself against a horde of savage griffons. While this scene itself was perhaps historically inaccurate, it displayed the spirit in which the Spear household was born.
From the jewelry box True Blue plucked a pair of sapphire and silver cufflinks, which were fashioned into a nearly perfect representation of his cutie mark: Two curved swords crossing over a spear with a royal blue pennant affixed just below the point of the spear. After donning these cufflinks, Blue shrugged on his sleek ebony jacket with smirk. The stress of the afternoon had been monumental, but his confidence had finally returned.
Alright, Blue, it’s showtime! That was a close call earlier, but I managed it quite well. The lies I was forced to tell were unfortunate, but my cause is just. Someday the princess will understand the heavy burdens which my family has been forced to bear. Someday she will see the sacrifices we have had to make. For now, though, I must see this deception through to the end.
I need to focus on tonight. There will be no visit to the cave—*cough*—research facility tonight. I need all my attention on allaying any remaining suspicions the princess may have. Thankfully, I can afford to delay my work for a day or two. Firm Feathers will underst—
True Blue froze at the thought of his pegasus assistant. Trotting over to the door of his bedroom, he tugged it open to reveal the rest of the basement.
“Firm?” he called out. “Firm, are you there?” Several seconds of silence passed. Finally a loud *snort* sounded from the couch across the room. True Blue smiled as he walked over to the couch, discovering his gray friend passed out, still clutching a broom from the wild war of cleaning they had waged that morning. Blue chuckled as he summoned a scrap of paper and quill.
“You featherbrained stallion. Why would you get up so early if the result is you sleeping through the afternoon?” Shaking his head, Blue scrawled a quick message instructing Firm Feathers to avoid the facility until further notice, as their work was to be put on halt immediately. The unicorn tied the message to his friend’s left hoof using a bit of twine. Taking a step back, Blue surveyed his work with pride, and then gave a sudden gasp.
“The mail! I still haven’t checked my box today. And the post office is on the complete opposite side of the town from the library where we will be having tea. I must rectify this immediately! Sorry, Firm, but the letter will have to do. I barely have enough time to make it as it is.”
True Blue charged upstairs, crashing through the heavy basement door as he hurried to complete his errand. Meanwhile, Firm’s only reaction was a slight grumble at the disturbance which had nearly broken his slumber. Flipping to his other side, the snoozing stallion stuck a hoof in his mouth and continued his dreaming. Unfortunately, the taste of fresh ink soon invaded his dream, as the hoof inside of his mouth just so happened to be the one with a letter attached to it. This prompted him to a sudden and rather unpleasant awakening.
“Gah! Erf!” Blegh! Firm gagged as he coughed up the now wet paper. His drowsiness broken in such a distasteful manner, Firm focused his attention on the offending object and glared at the moist message before him. Unfortunately, the damp of the inside of his mouth mixed with the fresh ink quite poorly, turning the previous warning against visiting the laboratory into a completely different directive. Firm Feathers widened his eyes as he processed the short but commanding letter.
Attempting to fly while still half asleep is generally advised against by pegasus doctors. Firm soon discovered this as he tumbled off the couch in a strangely accurate imitation of a flopping fish. Not to be deterred, the pegasus quickly righted himself and dashed up the stairs. He crashed through the front door with a loud *whoop!*, causing a massive cloud of pigeons to spring from the eaves of the building. This cloud caused two seemingly insignificant events, which would ultimately have a devastating effect on the events of the evening:
First, the pigeons obscured Firm’s vision, preventing him from seeing True Blue, who had exited the building just seconds earlier. If he had seen his unicorn boss and questioned him on the rather vague contents of the message (which, by the way, was still attached to his hoof), the misunderstanding would have been cleared up. Firm would not have continued his mad dash towards the cave, and no secrets would have been revealed.
Second, the veritable horde of pigeons attracted the attention of a certain pony partial to parties with a penchant for pursuing all peculiar occurrences performed within Ponyville. Pinkie Pie had certainly never seen a pigeon tornado before. With her curiosity piqued, the easily-distracted party pony abandoned her previous journey to Twilight’s library for tea and bounced after the conspicuous gray pegasus, who was currently fleeing from said pigeon tornado for the safety of the secret cave located just outside of Ponyville. In his haste to escape the enraged avians, Firm would fail to notice his pursuer, thus inadvertently causing the third natural disaster in Ponyville that week, which would later come to be known as the Pink Tide of Doom.
Firm,
Plans have changed. Avoid the Facility until further notice. Work is to be put on halt Immediately!
~T.B.