//------------------------------// // Mourning, morning, and tears // Story: A Candle for controlled chaos // by PacifistDoodl3r //------------------------------// A Candle for Controlled Chaosssss written by PacifistDoodl3r And the candle was passed to Nurse Snowheart, who took deep breaths just as the dim room woke up, breaking the ever present darkness. Sun shaded yellows and oranges flickered around, growing and shrinking in the dimly lit space like a dehydrated heartbeat. Her fur was a bleached honeycomb the way angry fire projected its glowing heat. Of all days to take shift while the others are enjoying their families, it just had to be the most joyous one of all. She clocked in a few minutes ago, mentally preparing herself for this. You never get used to whatever lies within these lonely rooms. She witnessed many things that will forever haunt her to the grave. The nurse had saved lives as she had watched fellow ponies gain back the shine in their eyes. A long time ago as a student nurse, she wasn't dissuaded by an operation involving a dislocated leg. Something with a guaranteed successful surgery never stressed her out. However, this always seemed to be too much for her. There, on a tiled table, a thick blanket covered a small mound. Lime shine from tired eyes were now fixated on this still being. As if telling her to further breach the silence, a leaky faucet dripped rhythmically from behind. The candle’s light eroded and danced around her black shadow as everything glinted a soft peach colour. There was a bag placed upright with an open red zipper, clear but not at all transparent. It was such a one and done task but doing such a thing was never easy. The nurse was lucky whatever smell could be spurring from beneath the blanket was hushed by lemon soap, antiseptic, and a sweet bitter fragrance from many plants. Nothing was comforting about doing this in the slightest. She saw the gurney near the entrance behind her. It was the last thing she wanted to see here. A few steps were taken towards the cold table with a final glance at the room entrance. Only the occasional sound of busy wheels were heard beyond those doors. Two latex hoof covers were put on and then a mask. She then took out a pen from her white uniform to write on the patient file. Ink slowly traced across a few lines on the sheet of paper, never once stopping to take a break. Scratching and small thuds were heard from the weathered clipboard. Flipped paper soon came after these sounds, continuing a slow process of filling in question boxes. Sharper slashing of the pen eventually arrived once its ink ran out. Whatever was written had almost been completed. That marked the end of the writing as a small break occurred. During this short break, some water escaped a nearby faucet again along with muffled voices coming from another room. Twisted pens give off this blast of strong fumes. Nurse Snowheart was reminded of this after the ink replacement. Not a second sooner, the pen had to complete the patient’s paperwork. The clipboard was rested on top of a counter. After giving herself time to breathe, the nurse returned to her duties. Although it was looked down upon, she approached the blanket and took a careful peek. For a few moments, time seemed to understand by slowing to a crawl. Nothing told her to stop staring. Without saying a word, respectfully, she recovered the mound. Strong ruffled folds from the blanket tried to fight the unveil but gave up. Even though many smells preventing harsh odors emitting from these rooms, a whiff of this tough leathery scent hit her through the mask. Deep breaths partook once the nurse sniffed again. The bag awaited to swallow the mound, crinkled and weakly bent from gravity near the table’s end. Indoor blinds hid the mare who attempted to position the weighted bag under the mound. Hooves scooped it up and held on to it as high as her chest floof, crunchy and carried like a cake this bag was lifted. She was about to unravel the blanket just as procedure required but a sudden clinking of hanging tools took any attention given to the blanket and whatever was wrapped inside of it. Like wind chimes, this musical clink continued to fleck the stethoscopes. It was slow but noticed by the nurse who had stopped what she was doing. After one last glance at the hung equipment, a few steps towards the table, and a deep sigh, Snowheart lifted the heavier end of the blanket mound into the large bag. With a swift hoof, the cloth tip began to peel off and unfold. Heavied as if it were dried cement, the blanket tip lolled away from a hesitant hoof that prepared to unravel one last layer. Something pushed the gurney behind her towards the exit. She thought the wheels were clamped in place beforehand. Rusted and in worn condition, it squeaked impatiently as it rolled into the door. *THUNK* Was its first and only sentence spoken. Confused, the nurse cautiously placed the blanket back down, soon finding herself with an uneasy expression. It took less than ten seconds to walk up to the empty gurney. She opened the door slightly ajar. Her head was looking outside the room, returning only once a few shadows grew alongside the hallway walls. Like heavy griffin talons clinking on a table, the water began to drip fastet from one of the faucets. Her pupils shot at the faucet, allowing her attention to fixate on something else. The door closed, finally, bolting shut but welcoming a return to the knob. Once the gurney inspection was dealt with, the nurse sighed in annoyance. Hoofsteps hastily made their way towards this troublesome mound. ‘Unravel and place the bag over. It's a simple task’, her thoughts beckoned. And that was indeed true. She had done this many times before despite feeling her heart sinking each time. It was finally going to happen. Why did she take so long to do such an easy task? The nurse told herself to ignore any sounds from a nonsensical source such as a cabinet, gurney, clock and its ticks or tocks. “Vvreewww! Candy!” What sounded like a filly's voice came from nowhere. That, she couldn't ignore, however. Understandably, she froze. This voice was full of energy but passed through her like a cold morning breeze. Around her, sapphire lights and dark purples lit up the room. The candle’s flame matched such a new environment. The world spun around her, seemingly changing everything and yet... Nothing. Then suddenly, the young mare was there. She harbored dark pink fur and a grape coloured mane lined with cotton white highlights. A spinny hat was worn, the ones some foals liked to wear. The mare's tail naturally rested on the floor, twinning with her mane albeit, longer and better kempt. Nurse Snowheart opened her mouth to say something but her face had frozen into a mixed expression. The younger mare noticed and continued. “C-candy stick that involves many-a-lick,” she smiled whilst muted amethyst shaded eyes grown as if to plead, “please?” “Why, of course. Here you go.” Snowheart replied as her bearings were found. She gave the young mare a small lollipop from her pocket. “Much thanks, miss. Let's travel to Candy Mountain, yes? Oh, how lovely and fun it is there! We must go!” She jumped like a boiled slinky. “What?” Nurse Snowheart lost them again. “Dear, I can't quite comprehend the last thirty seconds... What's your name? Are you lost?” “One calls me Screwball. I call me Screwball! Therefore, two knows Screwball is my name. And you?” “Nurse Snowheart but you can refer to me as Snow. Sweetie, I need to know if you're lost in here. We will find your parents, don't worry...” Nurse Snowheart gently rubbed her hoof against the younger mare’s face, “this isn't a room you should be in.” She tried not to look behind her as to bring attention to something so disheartening. “Follow me, I'll help find your parents, alright?” Nurse Snowheart motioned the young mare over to follow her. “Do you know where they might be? Hello?” She wasn't interested. Instead, the pink pony smiled once her head faced the dancing flames. The candle lit the room many shades of purple until that became what the room only ever was. Screwball was almost invisible, like a colourful powder poured in a water bottle for flavoring. Snowheart’s shadow from the purple shaded tones flashed without company as it began to shrink. A wall of blue and violet mass, volcanic in nature, arose. Nothing was being affected by the flame like if it was a harmless projection. Nurse Snowheart didn't know what to do or how to react so she turned her body to look at Screwball. Confusion swept in. The young mare seemed to be... Enjoying this. A huge grin formed as she excitedly squealed. Snowheart’s face finally settled on an expression. Although she was speechless, those eyes were wide and contained fear. Or... Was it fear? With a heart rapidly squeezing, it may as well should've been if it wasn't. An oval formed between the cold flames, inviting the young mare. Screwball hopped through, seemingly melting inside without a trace. The nurse took a step back with an eye to the hallway door. The fiery portal was white with a frame, crafted from the purple and blue essence. It was an unknown anomaly she wasn't aware of. Equestria is indeed a strange place but this didn't seem possible to the nurse. She hesitated before a decision was made. And towards the hallway to safety, her hooves clicked against the ground. All until the portal grew, hanging above her abstractly, then collapsing within itself abruptly. The ground had turned into bright green grass that folded underneath her. This wasn't Equestria, the endless meadow all around proved such a thing. Yes, it was unnatural for a sky to be pink as it contained white twinkles from stars, and yet it wasn't for this place. The nurse had felt a wave of acceptance. Nothing felt real, as if it were one big dream, but she was here. This was real. Blankly understandable, it all became. It was the second thing she noticed— besides the grass— the mountain. No size can compare to it, including the lollipop resting upon such a landmark. No words were uttered by the nurse. A sight such as this was something out of a dream. A dream that only a child could conjure up with their active imagination. Something, deep within her psyche, knew this couldn't be a dream... Nopony has any issue controlling their breathing inside dreams, after all. There was a moment of slowly turning her head to take in the checker pattern hills, and a pastel pink sky. In the distance, beyond the out of reach hills, there was nothing more but a recreation of Ponyville. And in this mirage of sorts, out in the untouchable space beyond the luscious colourful lands of Equestria, was the beauty which quelled the noisy eyes of a bewildered nurse. It was just so... Gorgeous. Butterflies darted along grass blades, cherry blossom petals drifted far into freedom where nopony can follow. Why would they want to follow? Isn't it enough to sit still and take in such a serene world flecked and sprinkled with love? That is exactly what Nurse Snowheart decided to do. Images of such sad sights during hospital hours coursed through her mind like a lethal injection. Here, she assumed there was no such thing as broken legs or illnesses. Her eyes buzzed around every single direction, slowed, but quickly adoring every bit of it. She embraced this strange new world and knew it had done the same to her. Although the reason as to why this place gave her such a profound sense of familiarity had been absent, the warmness in the moment meant everything to her. This felt like one colossal hug from nature and life itself. At last, every pastel colour appeared, excited to fill up her eyes. Frozen, she had found herself. Too warm, elated, nostalgic, and overjoyed to even move her mouth to say something. Yes, the portal was gone for a few minutes now but... It had finally closed the second she stopped staring at such marvelous sights. All of the darkness and the unsettling atmosphere that came from the hospital room slept forever and far away. One would expect such a huge glaring sun to be a source of great pain. Despite being a eyeball of unfathomable size staring down at them, it gave a gentle source of heat. How indeed so sweet. Quite contriare, was the little mare, laying down in the grass. She had picked up a dandelion with her little hoof, which led to it being blown repeatedly. Its seeds, now adrift within the wind, turned into bubbles once they've flown merrily passed Snowheart. And the cute, adorable, bubbles were passed to Nurse Snowheart. They dared to make her sneeze due to the pollen inside of them. “Screwball enjoys plants. This is my home!” With a giggle, the young mare excitedly spoke some more, “This all makes sense to I! But, a stranger like you? I am sorry.” A rare moment of anything but smiles and glee sparked inside of Screwball. The nurse smiled, “I assure you, this isn't too much for me. It's alright...” she finally moved after what felt like a lifetime, “Thanks for taking me here. It's not too different from the magical places I would escape to when I was younger.” No, this was strange to the nurse. Time moved fast enough for the lollipop to mold and crack but the portal only been closed for a few minutes. Right? Time moved fast enough... That doesn't sit right either. She then noticed the vines and weeds twitching, pulsing, and growing only to shrivel up. Nothing made sense here in a logical sense but the feeling this place gave her... It was the only thing that mattered, logically. But she just got here. Just met Screwball. What was so... Familiar? What was so... Comfortable? “A truth from you heart, you are relaying? Nothing comes to mind of my age. Memories? Fading. Only I, Screwball, here and happy.” Her voice changed, slightly, but kept some whimsical flair. “You don't remember anything? Oh, that is unfortunate news. I remember too much, I fear. Mostly the... Worst parts about my life.” Snowheart looked away from her, then stared out into the horizon again. Something came up. Whatever it was, her tired eyes said it all. Even if a sigh cleared most of those returned memories away, nothing could truly wipe what transpired. Isn't that the main quirk about the past? It passed, and your opportunity to change things in that moment, had passed. Nurse Snowheart thought about this. Once another sigh— a deeper one this time— torched most of her thoughts, a smile formed. “I think I'll remember this place, Screwball,” the nurse weakly shrugged professionally, “can we head to candy mountain, like you wanted? I'm curious.” ”Yesss!! EEEIIIIEEEHHH!!” Screwball bounced with excitement, “We may! I could fly us there or call a dragon! Or summon a giant wave of chocolate milk! Or—” “Oh, sweetie, it's... It's perfectly okay, we can walk all of the way there.” She felt tension and stress from elsewhere dissipate once Screwball’s bright smile met her eyes. “Our hoofsies will crumble and be an ouchie.” In a matter of fact manner, Screwball pointed this out. “Not this time for I!” Screwball began to walk towards the mountain’s direction, a triumphant stride existed there too. “I made it so that is a no no!” From what made sense to the nurse, she assumed getting tired from walking there isn't possible here. Even though she found herself a few steps behind her new friend, it was a comfortable distance. It was a, ‘I can gallop for a few seconds and we'd be next to one another’, distance. “Screwball,” The nurse began after she ripped the hair net out of her blue multi-toned mane, “do your parents know about this place?” Her question was left unanswered earlier but maybe, with no disruptions, this time will be different. “New friend, I can create a huge tornado! See this, watch! It's SILLY!” It was in fact, not different. Whistling which came from heavy winds, out of nowhere, brushed Snowheart’s entire body. It was more of a comb, judging by the small ripples from her fur. Dust kicked up and swirled in the direction they were headed. Screwball laughed, amused by this. The wind appeared as if it had no effect on her all the while picking up speed. It formed into a pink tornado at a terrifyingly fast rate. The air tasted sweet. Nurse Snowheart slowly retracted her tongue from the guilty pleasure of this delicious wind. Crinkled strawberries with sugar grain. Nothing other than that could describe it. A yummy tickle attack of sugary goodness! Nevermind, that was a worthy comparable discriptor. “Wanna watch it grow bigger and bigger? I can make it have a face... A horse face. We'll call it a tor-neigh-do!” Screwball jumped around Snowheart, counterclockwise. Counterclockwise does not match her eccentric attitude. Nothing could stop this mare. Maybe, with the exception of the tornado headed their way. Suddenly, the grass began to shred. Pink shadows painted the meadow, solemnly heavy it made the critters. Only once a few could no longer burrow their claws deep into the soil, picked and thrown, did Screwball notice. A high pitched gaspy squeak came out of the young mare. “The tornado wasn't supposed to— to...” her voice struggled to raise from being chipped and shaken, “No... No, NO! I'm sorry!” And then her hat peeled off of her. It was as if a sticker lost every bit of its adhesive. As it coughed up debris along with whatever was unlucky enough to be morphed into the cotton candy magnet, heavy winds continued to twist it. The grass around Nurse Snowheart wasn't there anymore. All that was left had been the mud, sloshing ickidly beneath terrified hooves. Who wouldn't have been scared? They both looked at one another. Anxious twitched ears moved with Screwball's sight. After she failed to pin point a solid direction of however many things thrown from the tornado, the pink mare sighed. It was a relieved sigh. Nurse Snowheart never thought she'd see an emotion other than the usual cheerfulness such as this. The agent of chaos poofed a basket of mango slices out of nowhere and slowly munched on a few. Although the nurse wasn't big on dried fruit like banana chips and cinnamon apple slices, the smile on Screwball's soft face gave her the warm tingles. Snowheart quickly sucked in a concerned breath. There was no more cotton candy tornado, as if it had been wiped out entirely. She eyed the vacant meadow where it was merrily destroying everything all but a moment ago. Critters returned to this alternate Equestria wonderland, then proceeded to scamper away in any direction they pleased. Focused on eating her snack, Screwball dug her head inside of a picnic basket on top of a blanket. At this point, Snowheart didn't question the plausibility of items coming out of thin air. A simple twirl of blue smoke appears, and there's an adorable bunny rocketing itself away from the pair. Things came and went at random without rhyme or reason. “Want mango? Mmm, YUMMY! Hungry for strawberry? You would love, love, luuuvv the food, Snow!” Screwball stuck her head out of the basket and tiredly smacked her lips. “I feel a little dizzy.” “The... Tornado...” Started the nurse, who saw animals enjoy the meadows and mystical earth as if nothing had happened. “You control everything that happens here?” “Pertaining to why the dizzy happens! I wish to continue walking to CANDY MOUTAIN! Or... Maybe we can trot? Gallop? Hm?” A half whinny was the sound she made after saying this. Well, it was more in tune to what a giggle would sound like out of a horse neigh. “Yes, we may walk,” an exhorted but quick breath, “It looks beautiful from here, Screwball.” “One thing of here I didn't create! No, no, no, before I... My maker.” Screwball pointed a hoof at Candy Mountain as if to reveal an unmissable landmark. “He, the draconequus, benevolent to I! And, yeah, no other presence here...” Although it was pretty difficult to follow Screwball's speech, and afraid to ask her to elaborate just for her to repeat the same thing, the nurse understood. “You were made... So you have no parents. Were you born here? This is your home?” She didn't mean to sound so accusitory, it was just the information given. Everything here was new to Snowheart, and it crushed her perceived notion of what was possible. Screwball gave a nod as a response to Snowheart. They proceeded to Candy Mountain. A creek made baby water noises. Like, pouring a pitcher of iced water into a cup but testing how fast the water can flood out. Baby water noises. They hopped on rocks to cross the stream of slithering water. Colourful fishies and brown frogs passed by the pair. A raccoon napped. Some canaries danced as they flew between trees. More and more wildlife greeted them, cordially making pleasant sounds. The distance they have covered in such a short amount of time was quite the feat. Nurse Snowheart looked back, and in the far distance, can see where she once stood moments ago. And what of the adorable little critters? Gone. It was as if life only existed around them. Manufactured life, that is. Which was another strange thing to the nurse. She knew Screwball created anything and everything here but why were the creatures abadoned soon after? She can assume a lot of maybe's and what if's but there would never be a straight answer asking Screwball. "Why do you make the animals vanish?" She can try, however. "Head hurts a lot. I use to have many, many little ones around but silly me feels..." Screwball suddenly stopped talking and opened her mouth to continue but... Couldn't. They both turned to look at the other, almost in a bid to appeal to an appropriate emotion. 'How does one appropriately feed this conversation?' Both, probably thought this. "Creating things hurts your head? Does that cause any detrimental impact to you? What I mean is... Do you feel alright?" The nurse was about to ask something else but a sudden stop from Screwball quieted her. The wind stopped. The many animals around the pair exploded into a geyser of glitter and confetti! BAMPF! And it was almost as loud as Screwball's huff. "Nurse. Too many questions. You're not enjoying... Things me makes and the wonders I happen... Just are." Screwball stomped a hoof, which caused the older mare to widen her eyes. "I— I am... Sorry, Screwball. Asking questions happens to be something a nurse grows customed to." "Then, I asks you, to Screwball, why? Why haven't you asked me why I have brought you here?" Nothing made sense to the nurse after she commented on this. It was as if Screwball saying this messed with the world around them. Vacant and empty, revealing nothing but a desolate green field with Candy Mountain coldy watching from a fairer distance. The lollipop stick had green growth and vines around it. Such scale of both the mountain and decayed lollipop was unmeasurable to everyone, including us. "W-why did you bring me here?" She asked as calmly as possible, with difficult results the second Candy Mountain loomed over them. I "Because... I... Don't want to go. And I hoped, with enough theatrics and crazy sights to see! That, well, I'd disappear with somepony knowing eh hehe." Screwball's voice was less higher pitched. It had a small echo to it. A small, but drastic change all around. "You knew what's been happening this whole time, haven't you?" Nurse Snowheart slowed her pace to match the other's speed. "Hearing you trying to lie to me... It doesn't feel fun anymore." She looked at at the nurse, sad but without any signs of anger. Although, the wind picked back up and gained a little speed. She looked tired. Not in sleepy sense. Tired in more of a given up sort of way. The two got closer to the mountain. Or was it getting closer to them? Now, the sky was a dark purple and pink mixture with a red cloudline that attempted to replace some of the remaining blue. Lighting has made the surrounding meadow a dark orange haze, like an invisible shadow of fire has claimed this land as its napping spot. "I didn't want to scare you with pointing out your lack of shadow or greyish eyes. I suppose the pleasantries are no longer viable?" Nurse Snowheart frowned, then sighed the moment Screwball nodded her head. "Chaos made creatures, such as me, have two deaths. The DEATH! And... The DEATH-DEATH! I... I am getting comfortable with the second one... But, only because you're here." Screwball turned her head to allude to Candy Mountain, "We must go there so I can rest." "How are you experiencing this second death?" The nurse asked quickly without thinking. "I am just curious because I've grown customed to seeing lights fade away without any tangible hints of living beyond that." "He's forgetting about me. My, you know... Creator. I was made in the heat of a moment where chaos! ran amuck and... AND it was sooooo fun!" Screwball had this sparkle in her eye for a brief second before it was whisked away. "That moment is gone. And I did visit him afterwards but those visits became... More... Spread out. I didn't know where he left to. Maybe he now has friends? Banished from Equestria? I know... I know this dimension can't exist without him! So, yeah, he isn't..." Screwball stared at the nurse. A look of guilt. A tear, and a few more accompanying tears settled in once she sniffled. "I tried to search and search for him... I really did, nurse. I could've maybe been out there longer if I hadn't but it's too late... I just don't want... can I even create things past this?" Screball hiccuped, choked, and swallowed hard. "Being playful and fun is, well, fun! Do you know what happens after this? And I know you said you didn't but... please try to guess?" After a few moments of eternity passing, the nurse finally had an answer. "In the hospital, I do a lot of jobs because we're understaffed. Years ago, my... My daughter passed away. I was both the EMT and eventually, mortician. I don't think about it as often. I look at all of the wonderful times I was blessed to have her in my life. Screwball, this short time we have met, I have no doubt you'd be able to carry all of the things that make a pleasant mare such as yourself, with you!" Snowheart clasped Screwball's hoof gently. "Y-you think there is a... Another side? Things continue after I fade?" Her heart thumped quick the more she thought about disappearing for good. "I cannot say with full certainty, but it's nice to think so. It was heartbreaking to lose my beloved but I felt better knowing she took her beautiful soul with her to the other side." The nurse gave a reassuring smile. Everything around them appeared less hostile, especially with the scenery, but howling winds shimmered down after she said this. "I'm terrified, nurse. It hurts my tummy and chest thinking about what happens once I go. I don't think it's my time yet... I know it is... I just keep thinking about the goofy things I could've been doing right now had I've been given at least one more day. Or another day? Or... Maybe... A few more years?" More tears came despite Screwball's smiling. Maybe, in spite of, her smiles and giggles. "The act you put on for me and this scenery was something I may never get the chance of seeing again... Screwball, your friendship to me in this short time is a happy memory that is worth a lifetime." Candy Mountain was right there. They both made it. Yes, it looked to be quite the trekk up but they both knew going here wasn't actually about going here. In front of where they stood was a small dirt mound with a squishy pink pillow on top of it. Pony sized and fluffy, it was awaiting the young mare whose smile shifted with a twinge of curiosity, and a little bit of fear. "I— I will miss you, Snowheart... I am just worried I won't feel missing you, you know? What if there's nothing? Or if my creator remembers me after I fade away? It'd be too late by then! I need more time!" She shook her head and started to shake due to the impending mortality in question. "I've left nothing to remember me by... And... And I—" "Shhh, it's alright, dear." Nurse Snowheart sat down with her by the dirt mound. "You've made me feel the most self fulfilled I have been in over a decade. I had an amazing time with you, and will never forget you. I promise." "I'm sorry... I can't believe you. I am just too afraid to go, and I don't think I can feel better about this. I will be forgotten... There's nothing I can do to stop it..." "You know, I can't remember my final words to my daughter because we never really had any. The, hi mom!, by mother!, interactions blend in and you end up forgetting the conversations before that. You aren't her, and yet, you've given me closure by having one last ounce of joy she might have given me." Nurse Snowheart allowed tears to flow too. It stung her eyes but it felt so, very nice. “I… only ever wanted to make someone feel better… I guess I do, truly, believe you if I had finally—“ Screwball trailed off and stopped talking once she saw the nurse cupping hooves around her muzzle and nodding her head. Through her tears, she mouthed a, thank you. Both of them hugged, silhouetted by the midnight blue sky. Snowheart guided Screwball on the pink pillow. A gentle hoof rubbed her back and mane in a slowed pace. The nurse watched as the young mare drifted to sleep as a transparent mist faded her into the forever oblivion. Sparks of white joined together to help paint a starry space above the nurse. Critters slept too, even if it also caused a wave of mist to sweep them away. Nurse Snowheart was left alone in silence until a darkness formed beneath her. It had been many years since her goodbye to this peculiar friend but every now and then the weather picks up to remind Snowheart to check on Screwball and her daughter. One stroll through the cemetery keeps her promise on never forgetting. A candle now sits where Screwball can sleep forevermore. A rest well deserved for a kindred and chaotic spirit at last. It was quiet after, the candle was passed.