//------------------------------// // Déjà You // Story: Myselves // by Trick Question //------------------------------// I unlock the front door with a deft turn of the key pinched in the frog of my hoof, then I step inside and slam the door shut behind me. (I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm just in a bad mood.) My right ear tingles as an odd, lingering pain throbs in the side of my head. "Well, that's just great. I'm not surprised I have a headache. Today was the worst!" I grumble to myself while unstrapping my saddlebags. I dump them on the floor and drop the key into the side pocket. "Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle just had to get sick on the same day. Everything was so boring..." I think a little about how annoying it was, because I don't have to say everything out loud like a lunatic. For some reason the details are fuzzy, but I remember spending recess hanging out with the colts. Most of the fillies aren't interested in cool stuff like— ...?! Wait a minute, something just happened. What was that? I focus on the feeling, and sense a sudden, intrusive thought: "Scootaloo. Something isn't right." I shake my head rapidly back and forth and walk to the couch. "Huh? Nothing isn't, uh, not right, except... um..." I say, then look back at the front door. I hadn't noticed coming in, but several envelopes are lying under the mail slot. They lay scattered on the hoofmat, probably junk mail. I trot back to examine them, just in case there's something interesting. That weird thought still has the alicorn's share of my attention, though. "I don't feel like anything's wrong... but... I guess I do feel a little weird," I admit to myself. "Is it because I feel more comfortable hanging with colts than fillies? There's nothing wrong with that. Is there?" I wince at another twinge of pain. I rub my right ear. It feels strange and it's lying limp against my mane, and it reminds me of when a hoof falls asleep. Maybe I was right after all—the weird thought in my head, I mean. Is there something wrong with my ear? I don't remember hurting it. Maybe it's just the headache. "Okay, that must be what's wrong," I think. Wait, did I think that? I'm not sure, but I respond anyway. "Eh, the ear's probably because of the headache. It sucks, but it'll be over in a few minutes." No. Not the ear. The colts and fillies thing. There's something wrong with how I feel about that. I'm not sure I agree with myself. "You... I mean, we're not interested in a coltfriend or anything," I say, making sure the distaste comes through loud and clear in my voice so I know I mean business. "I don't like mushy stuff. I'm not interested in a special somepony, and I'm probably too young anyway. I hang around the boys because some of them are cool, but they're still gross compared to fillies." I hate it how adults tell me I'll change when I'm older. Dad does that a lot, but I don't have to hear it often because he's never... "Ouch, this stupid thing," I say, holding a hoof against my right temple. "I don't want to think about any of this." Despite my protest, I have to admit, my... well, whatever it is, I'm on to something. Even if I ignore the headache, everything feels a little out of place today. I try to think back, and it's hard to remember what we did at school today, apart from nearly falling asleep. That's most days, though. This is pretty weird. I'm curious, but I'm also afraid. I hate it when this happens. I lean down, and my hooves begin to tremble as they pick up the letters... okay, it just got really strange. "It feels like I'm remembering what I'm doing right as I'm doing it," I whisper. "What's that called again... I can't remember." "Déjà vu." "Thanks! That's what it is, alright," I say, and then I feel kind of dumb for thanking myself, but talking to myself is normal by comparison to these odd sensations. The, um... the déjà vu is strong right now. Really strong. But it's only when I'm looking at the letters. Is something bad coming? That might be why my hooves are shaking, but I don't want to believe it. I'm not this bad of a scaredy-cat. I hope. "I feel it getting closer. I think... I'm gonna, um, realize something. But how do I know that?" I ask myself, almost expecting I'll have an answer. Who knows, maybe I will? I guess I'm a little confused at the moment, but I spend too much time alone. It's a good thing I met Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle when I did, because I was on the edge of going nuts back then. "I hope them being absent one day isn't all it takes to make me snap," I say. I try to say it jokingly but I'm a little nervous, but that's because I worry about everything, and again, I spend too much time in here by myself. I'm almost always alone when I'm home. It's just as well, though. I'm a latchkey foal, and this place is always a mess because I'm terrible at keeping stuff clean... and my... my... "Ow! My head really hurts," I think. I agree with myself, I do think that, I think back to my thoughts. Thinking about stressful things makes my head hurt more, which I guess is normal. The déjà vu doesn't hurt, though, so I think more about that instead. "Why does it feel like I'm remembering something as I do it? Did this happen to me before?" "I'm pretty sure I don't remember this," comes the thought. "I don't? No, that's not right. I remember thinking some of the things I'm thinking right now. Like, the exact same thoughts, something about my parents, or..." my voice trails off as my head throbs. "We're ruminating about stuff that's stressful, that's all." "Dude! I'm not a cow." (Sheesh. I should know better!) "No, ruminating as in, being fixed on the same idea over and over, like how cattle chew their cuds," I explain. "We've thought about stuff like this over and over, so it feels like a memory... though you're—I mean, we're right about it feeling really strange." "Thinking about the same thing twice isn't weird. It doesn't feel anything like this feels," I point out. "This feels super weird." "Déjà vu is usually the result of a random neurological process where both halves of your brain misfire, so you remember something as it happens," I explain. "It should feel weird.... but I think we're right, there's something else going on. When I remember school today, it's all fuzzy. Maybe I got sick, too? I don't know how we 'zoned out' that much. I'm distracted by something I just said. I don't remember knowing that much about brains, and I don't know what 'neurological' means. I must have heard it somewhere, I guess. It makes sense that it's a 'random' thing, because it feels so bizarre. Maybe Pinkie Pie causes it, or maybe this is what it feels like to be her. I don't know because we don't have a lot in common. I don't have much in common with most ponies, come to think. I wish I did with Dash, but I can't ignore the facts. Maybe Apple Bloom... but I can't remember why. I look up at the ceiling for a moment so I'm less distracted. "It's not just the headache. Thinking feels hard today, like... like I'm swimming against a wave or something." "You said you... we were thinking about my parents. Did we mean parents, or... who are they again... our aunts?" "Yeah! Our... my aunts. That's right. I'm a latchkey foal, I live by myself, and they visit every week. Amethyst checks in with me in the evenings," I respond. "She doesn't stop by until later, and it's really weird that I'm having this conversation with you—uh, with me. With us?" "Us? Right, us. I don't think we're confused. We know who we are. I'm Scootaloo. All of this is normal stuff to think about. I think we're overthinking thinking. Maybe we're just tired," I say back to myself. "Don't take a nap, though, there's something else. I need to remember something really important, so try to help us. It isn't anything we've been talking about." I shake my head. "None of this is normal, me. It's not just a brain thing, I'm sure. I can remember something that's about to happen, and I know something's coming. I'm right about to have a major, um... a realizing-things moment." "Epiphany." "Yikes, that's a big word. Okay, 'ee-pif-an-ee'. I'm having one of those things," I say, and then I feel a shiver run down my spine. "Not yet, but any minute now." I think carefully. "You're right! I can tell it's coming. So... can we remember what we're about to realize, or do we have to wait for it? Waiting is kind of scary." "I think what I realized... what I will realize... it's something about being a filly. Yeah, that's what it is. Then I end up talking to my aunts about it a lot the next day," I explain. "Wait, I can remember tomorrow? That's not right at all, but... that's what I'm supposed to, um, to have, had, happened. Because my parents are never around..." My head throbs again. I want to go get some Foal's Tylenol, but I'm not sure if I can. I'm not supposed to leave this area yet. I have no idea what that means. "How do we know all this? What rotten luck. There's something very important I can't remember, and it must be related to why everything feels out of the usual. Maybe it's about that epiphany." "But that hasn't happened. And it's not that déjà stuff because it's still in the future, like tomorrow. I don't think I have to remember a thing until it happens," I say. "We don't, right?" "I guess that makes sense, but it feels like it shouldn't... But yeah, we're right, I don't think the epiphany is what I need to remember." I shrug. All this thinking isn't getting me anywhere, which is probably why I like to act before I bother to think. So, I return my attention to the letters in my hoof. I flip through them and toss all the junk mail in the recycling can next to the door. One letter remains. I walk back to the couch to examine it. The name above my address says, "Scoot Scoot Scootaloo!" in Apple Bloom's distinct mouthwriting. "Bogus. I hate that, but she doesn't know the teasing hurts me until... it's when I wind up having the courage to tell her. I think I do that later on this week. Then she apologizes a lot, and over time I end up thinking it's actually kinda funny. I even build a chicken-shaped derby car with Rainbow Dash next year," I say, smiling as I slit the envelope with the sharp part of my left hoof. "Right now Dash doesn't even know who I am, but that's okay because it'll change and we'll be good friends..." "Being teased a little can be okay as long as they're not trying to hurt you. At least it means ponies notice you. That has to be worth something," my inner thoughts ramble. "It's awful when they look away, and even worse when they get that look of contempt and disgust on their face, but it's nice when they seem amused, which is the usual reaction. Or, it was the reaction, a long time ago... Even if they're laughing at us, I count it as a win if I can make somepony's day a little brighter." I'm not sure what to say to that. "That's... kinda sad, to be honest, and I don't feel that way at all! Why am I saying that?" I ask, chewing on my lip from the nervous tension. "Although... no, I do kinda remember what you're saying. Or what I'm saying, or whatever. But that still doesn't make any sense, because I don't want ponies to notice that I'm unusual at all. I don't want to be... some kind of circus freak." Ugh. Even saying those words makes me feel nauseated, because I'm worried it might be true. "No, I'm not a circus freak! I'm special. That's a good thing. We're interesting." I feel confused. Of course I'm right, but what I just thought doesn't quite fit how I feel or remember things. "Why do they see us that way? It's not my wings. Ponies either don't notice, or they pretend not to, and I really don't like thinking about how they see me at all." "They see us that way because, because... Huh. Okay, that's weird. I don't know why we're special, but I know we are. I just remember it that way, and it fits." "This is so weird. That feels like it makes perfect sense, but it doesn't. I guess anything makes more sense than this conversation," I admit. I can't argue with something that feels like it makes perfect sense, even when it clearly doesn't. I sit down on the couch because I'm feeling a little weak in the haunches. I open the envelope and unfold the letter. It looks exactly as I remember it from this very moment, as it happens. The memory I'm having matches the one I'm making at the same time. The déjà vu feels exactly how I described it to myself, but I can tell this is something more. I remember the contents of the letter are important, but that's in the future. I haven't started reading it yet. "Somehow I can sense what's about to happen! This is all really confusing, isn't it?" I say, stating the obvious. "Yeah. I hope we feel better tomorrow." Then I begin to read the note: Dear CMC Treasurer Scootaloo, I'm super sorry Sweetie and I are sick today, Scoot. I know you say it's boring when we're not there. I had Applejack stop by your place to drop this letter off for me because I have news for you, but it's a secret. She doesn't know I'm telling you this, so keep the barn door shut for me if you know what I mean. See, I overheard something AJ said to Granny, and I knew I had to share it with you right away... "...because you're the Number One Rainbow Dash Fan In All Of Equestria," I say, but I'm not exactly reading it from the letter. My voice sounds each word out a fraction of a second before I read it with my eyes, like 'time' had a long hiccup or something. My heart begins pounding faster. "Um, the words 'of' and 'in' should be lowercase," my thoughts tell me, I assume in an attempt to distract us from the scary feeling. "They should be? We don't know that," I say. "Sure we do! Can't you... I mean, can't I remember how to capitalize titles? We just did, didn't I?" I pause for a moment. "Huh. I guess I can. You don't capitalize articles or prepositions with fewer than six letters, and... wow. That's strange. I've never remembered that before," I say, then pat the paper, "but I remember the letter before I can remember remembering it." "Remembering... Wait, that's it, that's what's wrong! It's something about our memory. I think I have to remember something about... What year is it?" "Year? Um... it's 1000 A.S., right? That's really hard to forget! Twilight Sparkle just moved to Ponyville a month ago, I think, and everypony's still gossiping about it." "That can't be right. Twilight's been in town for more than one Winter Wrap-Up. Remember her organizing it the second year, and how much faster it went?" I do remember. "Ohmygosh, I'm right! Okay, wow. Something's really wrong. We need to tell Amethyst when she shows up. Maybe we're sick," I say. "Oh! Maybe I hit my head, and that's why I'm confused? I don't remember how it got hurt." "No, if I had a concussion I'd be dizzy, or really sick, or I'd have trouble seeing. It's probably just a headache, but I agree we need to tell Amethyst. What does the letter say?" I look back down at the letter and pause. "I'll be honest with us, me. I don't want to read this again, and I don't want to remember why." "I don't think we have a choice. We do read it, don't we? It's just what happens. Besides, we need to figure out what's going on here, and maybe the letter means something important." "Can't I just remember on my own instead of asking me to remember for... well, for me? It's something about Rainbow Dash." I pause for a moment to think about what I just said. I'm not sure I made any sense. "Okay... I can remember it a little, but I'm not sure my memory is accurate. Was it something about Smith Apple and Applejack? That's all that comes to me. Look, let's just just read it and get this over with already." "I don't need to read it. We can remember the gist of what it, um, what it will have been," I say, hoping that made some sense to myself. I close the letter and set it aside without looking at it, because I realize I know it by heart. "Bloom tells me Applejack said something about 'baiting a cow to catch a calf' to Granny Smith, and it was right after meeting Dash's parents for the first time. AB thinks that means AJ's 'fixing to date'..." I say, then pause to let it sink in. "She's going to date Rainbow Dash?" "Yeah, that sounds right. I think they're in a relationship, aren't they? I guess that means Rainbow is gay or em. I think she's gay. Applejack's gay, I know that much." "Yeah, AB told me that a long time ago, and I felt weird then too... Hold on, what's 'em'?" "Uh, it means multi. Or bi, or pan, or whatever. It used to be bisexual, but then ponies started saying 'pansexual' until that kind of became a hipster thing for unicorns who wanted to sound more 'enlightened'..." I gasp and my limbs go stiff. "Rainbow Dash is LIMBOESE? Ohmygosh. My aunts are one too... and... um, something else..." My mind clears its imaginary throat to get our attention back. "I don't think she's from Limbo, because you can't be born there and nopony goes there by choice. You mean 'lesbian', probably." "I didn't know there was a city called Limbo, but right, lesbian. That's what the epiphany is, me!" I grin with pride, and then the grin disappears. "Oh. I realize... that maybe I'm gay too?" I ask, very uncertain. "Do I think I'm gay because I want to be like Rainbow Dash, or am I really in the lesbians? Or maybe I think I'm a colt, or something? I don't remember exactly. I just know it's something weird like that. I don't like thinking about this because it's still kinda scary." "No, that's it! It's the colt thing, I'm sure of it. We're a colt," I say. "There's something more to it, though." I don't want to get in a fight with myself over this, but that doesn't feel right at all. "I'm pretty sure we're... that I'm not a colt," I argue. "I'm not 'trans' or whatever it's called. I'm fine being a filly, I'm just a tomcolt, and that's a kind of filly not a kind of colt. Fillies can be anything they wanna be, so I don't need to be a colt, even if... even if I'm kinda like a boy, or if I like other girls. Wow. Saying that feels awkward." "But sometimes it feels like it's the other way around, doesn't it? Like, I'm actually a colt, but sometimes I do girly things, and I'm okay with that because it doesn't make me a filly. And sure, we like fillies, or... mares...? Girls, or whatever. This is difficult to parse. Some of it makes perfect sense, but the rest of it doesn't line up right." I squint and think really hard in order to ignore my thoughts so I can think better. "I think I can remember that too. Maybe I was a colt in my last life or something," I wonder aloud. "I'm not sure there's a huge difference unless we want to have babies or something, and I don't because I'm way too young. I don't even care if I get mistaken for a colt, I just do my own thing." I remember interactions with the other fillies and colts at school... My mind is practically spinning. How does anypony understand stuff like this about themself, let alone themselves? Maybe I'll never figure it all out. But I was right that I'm fine being me. ...and then I start thinking about Apple Bloom, and her pretty freckles, and the cute way she likes to snort and spit out of one side of her mouth, though I guess that's probably gross but I don't care because, because... of something. "I don't understand it, but this feeling is embarrassing. I don't want to talk to myself about how I feel, let alone my family, but I know that's what happens next. I'm embarrassed for weeks after this even though my aunts help a lot. Things get better when I finally open up to my friends, but that takes a long time." It makes sense, but I can't say anything. I'm just processing the confusion as best I can, so I'm going to let myself do the thinking for now. I lean back in the couch as my heart and my minds (both the normal one and the annoying one) have a wild three-way pinewood derby race for Fastest Freakout. My head is throbbing again and I need to distract myselves. I can tell my inside voice is quiet because I'm starting to lose it, so I change the subject entirely. "Okay, enough stupid feelings, let's just look at the facts. Today happened already, all of this. It's history. This is a memory, me. But if this is in the past, how are we here? Where's the present?" It takes me a moment to respond. "I'm having a hard time remembering when we're supposed to be," I say. "I think 'why I can't remember' is what I can't remember, but I can't remember. That's probably why I can't remember." Oh my Stars this is so dumb. All this stupid talking is just making us—me, I mean—feel even more confused. One of me has to shut up and start doing something, and it might as well be 'this' me. "I almost want to take a nap until Amethyst gets here, but there's no way I can sleep right now. Maybe I should just try real hard to remember, even if it hurts." I nod in agreement. "It's worth a shot." So I close my eyes and try to concentrate on the future, as far out as I can still remember things. My head throbs painfully, just behind my right ear, and I grit my teeth. Where are our recent memories? It was warm outside when I came home, but I'm sure it isn't supposed to be anymore. Yes, that's right. It isn't Summer. I remember cold. Very cold. It wasn't supposed to be an early Winter, but the Wild doesn't follow pegasus schedules... Was I somewhere in the Wild? I start to see an image in my mind. It's mostly white, but it's slowly growing clearer. "Snow! There's snow everywhere, so I'm outside..." I say. I'm pretty sure I can remember being surrounded by trees, too. "It wasn't inside Ponyville. It's too early in the season for this much snow on the ground, because the weather team had planned the first big snowstorm for... February, I think. Thank Firefly, it's all rushing back to me!" "Yes, we're right! It's Hearth's Warming Eve, isn't it?" I say. "And we're in... the Everfree Forest." It's working! "We were looking for something... something to show Apple Bloom." That was the key we needed.