//------------------------------// // I Got Swindled by a Horse // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// Oh. My. Fucking. God. I hate meetings so much. So you see, shortly after the wedding party and my horrible rendition of Repeat Stuff, everything went nice and smoothly. That’s cool, Chrysalis asked me to dance with her and it turned out that ‘dancing’ involved bending your knees and swinging side to side. It was kinda hard to match the Queen’s speed, or form(since her knees were triple jointed apparently), but we danced. It was especially funny to see Chryssy go from elegant and regal, to going with a straight poker face, and doing the type of dance we were doing. We got a couple looks for our dancing, mostly stink eyes, but we caught some eyes with our dancing. Oh, and then Chryssy got filled up with love from just being at the wedding, fed her Hive, and came home with a small grin on her face. You see, all of this was cool, since now Chrysalis wanted to cuddle with me after such a stressful day of almost getting hit with a gamma ray, stopping an invasion, almost watching me get trampled, and then feeding her children. So it was a mildly stressful day for Buggy. I was fine with this, since a Changeling’s exoskeleton, while tough, was surprisingly nice to use as a pillow. You could say that Chryssy’’s a cuddle bug. The problem all started after all of that. My good friend Celly, Mare of the Morn, must’ve noticed how close I was to Queen Chrysalis and assumed I was close with other Changelings. I dunno where she got that assumption, given that I only know their Queen, but whatever. Uh, the problem is, she let me know in a letter that I apparently ‘knew Changelings the best’ and appointed me as an ambassador for them. Oh yeah, there was a meeting to be held shortly after lunch to discuss the integration of Changelings into Equestrian society. Then I never ate anything for lunch because I was stressing out over my new position. Anyways, I was sitting inside of a meeting room, Chrysalis had been holding me in her arms(I tried to run the first time and this happened), while a couple of Changeling guards glared at me, Chrysalis said they were jealous that she wasn’t hugging them, while I listened to Celestia read the terms and conditions on what looked like a treaty. “And lastly, every Changelings will be treated as citizens of Equestria, and ponies as citizens of the Hive. Any objections?” Did I mention this was the revised treaty? Or the sixth version? This was the first fucking meeting for this shit. I want a nice, tall can of Bud Light right now. I know, it’s shitty beer, but I just don’t want to be somber for this. Chrysalis patted my head while she gave her seventh counter treaty, which had all the same shit that Celestia’s did, but slightly more in favor for the Hive. I get that politics are hard, but come the fuck on, make your minds up guys! “Isn’t the main fucking problem… is where we’re gonna keep a couple thousand Changelings?” I asked. Wait, why the fuck am I contributing to this meeting? “Of course. Most of my drones would like within a certain distance of me at all times. Keeping us all in the same area would be difficult without just making a new town, which would be problematic for us. That would require a lot of hard labor, food imports, or love imports for our magic and to help stave off starvation, and the discussion of where my Hive would get the materials to build homes if we can’t live in a mountain or underground,” Chrysalis pulled out a map of Canterlot. “And I would like to remain close to Canterlot, so I may keep in contact with my current favorite stallion.” I took the map and rolled it out, blinked a couple times, and flipped it over. “Why are there several layers? Wouldn’t that…” I paused. “Oh right, city on the side of the mountain. This is a layers of the city at different elevations, ain’t it?” Celestia’s brow and nose scrunched up. “Ain’t is not a word, but yes. Indeed. There is an elevation map which details each layer, while the other side of that map depicts the uppermost layer of the city,” Princess Celestia answered. “Why do you ask?” “Well, there’s a whole fucking cave system within the mountain that Canterlot’s built off of. None of it is being used according to the map, so why not stick the Hive in there? Don’t you bugs like dark places such as this cave system?” I asked, inquiring for an answer from the guards. Neither seemed ready to give an answer, but a stink eye from Chrysalis got them to give an answer in a heartbeat. “Fruit Punch is our ambassador, you two. Answer to him as you would to me, do you understand?” She asked. Well, not really, it was more of a demand. Both drones turned to me after nodding to their Queen.  “Well sir, we Changelings can easily live in dark places, and sometimes prefer darker places as it makes sleeping during the day easier,” I blinked a couple times. “Changelings are usually nocturnal, sir. Queen Chrysalis, ourselves,  and several infiltrators are exceptions to this. The Queen likely adjusted to your sleep schedule to spend more time with you-“ Chrysalis glared. “I mean, to feed off of you, as do many infiltrators.” “See? Give the Changelings the cave system in the mountain and let them wander around at their own disclosure. Heck, they can leave Canterlot and go live somewhere else if they want to. From there, they can get jobs for food, or just be around to eat off the love that linger in the air. Like, how useful would it be to not only have your guard on standby, but two thousand Changelings to call upon when Canterlot falls under siege again?” I asked before looking up at Chryssy. “And you get to continue to sleep in my bed,” I said. “I like that idea,” Chrysalis said. “Let us write this down, and sign the treaty between our two nations.” Bro, this is the fifteenth rewrite of this fucking treaty, Chryssy. Like I’m glad we’re getting to the end of this meeting, but fucking christ, don’t make me the ambassador. I slammed my face into the table and was just about to fall asleep when Celestia and Chrysalis finally signed a treaty that they both agreed on, with my suggestions for housing the Changelings and all. “See you for that tea date?” Chrysalis asked. “Indeed, unless something crops up I have to cancel. I will let Fruit know if I must reschedule. Otherwise, expect me to stop by yours and Fruit’s home…” Princess Celestia said before sticking the treaty into a black suit case, and handing it to a guard. “Put this in the vault and have a copy printed for the museum,” Celestia instructed. The guard nodded and went off to do his job… he looked mildly intelligent, that’s good. I was then dismissed while Chryssy and Celly had a little chat over things. “So, how has life been since we’ve dated nearly five hundred years-“ okay, yeah, that would explain a lot actually. Well, time to go find that nice, tall glass of beer, and get smashed. Politics already hurt my brain and now I’m a politician for some inexplicable reason. So, in order to make life feel good again, I’m going to drink the problem away! That’s what Uncle Bill did until he got arrested for drunkenly stealing forty thousand dollars from various banks. It’s kinda impressive as to just how much he stole while drunk, really. He’s in jail for about fifty years. “Hey Fruit!” Oh son of a bitch, so the Purple Girl from yesterday(Twilight Twinkle? I don’t remember), walked up to me with the other colors of the Skittles Rainbow came up behind her. Great, now I want a candy that I can’t have anymore. Fuck you god, I love magical pony land, but you separate me from my one true beloved: Candy that is very unhealthy, but very fruity. “What are you doing in the castle?” “Oh you know, Sunbutt thought me and Chrysalis being friends meant that I knew Changelings the best. So, I wake up after a fun little wedding reception, and then promptly wake up to a guard nearly smashing my door in. Said letter told me I was now the  Ambassador of Changelings, and here I am!” A devious little grin tugged at the corners of my mouth. “Say, if y’all want a nice, dumb guard to sweep you off your hooves, like Shining did to Cadence, there’s a nice one down there.” I pointed to a Royal Guard that had managed to get his spear stuck in the ceiling. Wat? The ceiling is like, twenty Celestias tall, and you mean to tell me that you got your spear stuck in the ceiling? How stupid can you be, Mr. Stallion I never met. Anyways the mares rolled their eyes. “Wait, dumb guards? Like Shining? What does that imply?” Twilight asked. “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “So, what’s up?”  “Well, we were just going to go explore Canterlot before we head off to Ponyville,” Twilight said. Oh good, ignore and fully dismiss the insult I made on your brother. “You want to join us? I know you live here, but I’m sure there’s something you haven’t discovered yet. I lived here my whole life, until recently, and there are some things I don’t know about Canterlot,” Twilight offered. “I dunno, I was originally gonna go out and get wasted in a bar somewhere, but this works too.” Boy was leaving the castle, a huge mistake! As soon as we step off of castle grounds, I get swamped with reporters and separated from Twilight and her friends. Like every other person was asking if I was a Changeling, if I was being mind controlled by ‘that ugly bug queen’, or if I was dating said bug queen. I love attention, it’s why I want to be a comedian, but shit like this makes me want to stab somebody. These ponies were just being so fucking pushy, that I want… fuck it. “Can all you back the fuck up?” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “Because I am a-” actually, pretending to be a terrorist bug horse would be a bad idea for Changelings. “I’m not the pony you’re looking for! I’m just a Changeling trying to buy the actual Fruit Punch some time, so he doesn’t get harassed by a bunch of pricks looking for a quick buck!” With that, I headbutted my way through the crowd, and eventually found myself just on a street somewhere. Oh, there’s Twilight and her friends. “I hate journalists,” I grumbled as we began to make our way through Canterlot(luckily, without any hitch or reporters). Seriously, why is that a universal thing? Journalists are fucking stupid, annoying and still very intrusive. Oh look, we’re entering what looks like a little diner that serves alcohol! Everybody ordered stuff that sounded fancy and overly expensive, while I simply ordered a cup of cider and a slice of apple pie. I really don’t want to figured out what the fuck flowers tasted like, because I will probably hate it. I’m a human being that definitely hasn’t eaten a rose off of a bush before, and I am saying that flowers are a real toot. The girls talked to each other while I just stared out the window, and then pulled out my notebook full of jokes… I left my pen at home, are you serious? Well, so much for figuring out some new jokes to tell at the comedy club next week. “So, this is where you went, Fruit?” a two toned, familiar woman’s voice rang through my ears, and everybody but me shivered. Chrysalis slipped into the little booth, in between me and the orange pony, I think her name was Apple Jack, and was promptly stared at by everybody in the diner. “I must say, I haven’t gone out much, not after the security of Canterlot went up and out the roof, but I think I recognize this diner. I think my memory is hazy when it comes to pony establishments,” Chrysalis wrapped an arm around me. “So, you are the six mares that nearly blasted me to death with the Elements of Harmony, correct?” “And you’re the one who crashed the wedding,” Twilight almost growled. “You mean with that invasion that may or may not have been an accident?” I asked. “Like I already said why the invasion happened, and Chryssy couldn’t tell her drones ‘no.’ So like, she didn’t mean to crash the fucking thing. All that she did at the wedding, that her drones didn’t do, was keep me from getting trampled by Celestia, and nearly get zapped by a sun beam,” Chrysalis shuttered at the thought. “That wouldn’t have been the first time I got zapped by Tia.” “I know, you two used to date… don’t tell me you enjoyed getting zapped.” Chrysalis grinned at me, and I facepalmed(facehoof?). “Alright, good to know that about you, since the press seems to think we’re dating-” before I could continue, Chrysalis kissed me on the cheek, which earned a gag from everybody but the yellow pegasus(Fluttershy I think). A camera flash blinded me, but I could make out a silhouette of somebody running away with a camera on them.  “Well, let the rumors spread then. I would like them to be more than just rumors, after all.” “Chryssy, I don’t swing towards horse bugs… or horses” “I know, so you will be reserved for the ‘Favorite Stallion’ list,” Chrysalis chuckled. “I think you’re glad that I decided to go with the treaty that you helped make after the eightieth remake of it,” she remarked. “So I accepted the terms, since they were actually good and provided homes for my Hive, then sent you on your way. I could sense how much you hated that meeting, aside from the crack you left in the table with your face,” Chrysalis adopted a sly grin. “If only you’d hit me like that-” “Chryssy, there is a filly and colt not even two tables away from us.” “They have to learn about the Bugs and the Flowers eventually.” I groaned, and downed the whole cup of cider. God dammit Chryssy, “Speaking of which, ambassador, I believe I shall assemble two guards for your well being.” With that, two drones, who I don’t think I’ve met, appeared out of nowhere and saluted me. “This is Skitter and Scatter, two of my Hive’s finest guards, and they will be looking after you whenever you go out without me,” Chrysalis said. “And if they cause you trouble, let me know, and I will swap them out for another set of guards.” I hopped out of my seat and began to expect my two guards, mostly so I wouldn’t mistake one for the other. Skitter had rounder ears, shorter fangs, and bigger eyes than Scatter, and their leg holes were in different locations from one or the other. “Are they to your liking?” “Why do I need a guard? I’m some chump who’s going to school for a degree in comedy, Chryssy. Who the heck would want to kill me? Or need well trained assassins to kill me?” I asked. “You would be surprised, Fruit.” “You’re just scared that I’ll get trampled by another alicorn that is as tall as you,” I said. “I am not, this is merely a safety precaution for my ambassador,” Chrysalis lied. I could see her pupils drift to the corner of her eyes, and her voice went up a slight note at the same time. Well, if it makes Chryssy feel better, then I’ll go along with this shit. Who knows? It might be good for Changeling PR, to make it seem like they can care about somebody other than themselves… I think.  “So, I’m assuming I’m gonna be keeping these guys when I run a little pizza stand tomorrow, right?” I asked. Chrysalis nodded. “Well, Skitter, Skatter, I look forward to seeing y’all around. I got a cool mission for both of you when we get home,” I said. Both Changelings perked up like little puppies when I said that. “Wow, you guys are really eager to do something, huh?”  “We just like being put on missions sir; serving you would be like serving our Queen directly,” Skitter said. “Well, when we get home, I’m going to run a taste test with various pizzas and toppings, I’m gonna need you two to give me a bigger sample size on opinions.” “Oh! Can I come along?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Don’t you have to catch a train in a few hours?” “Pfft, I can fly back to Ponyville when I’m done taste testing,” she said.  “Alright then.” I turned my head to see Chrysalis staring at me with wide, adorable, puppy eyes. “Yes, you can help out too, Chryssy.” Both drones whispered to each other about how I just called Chrysalis by a nickname and didn’t immediately die. If it weren’t for the fact that their queen was sitting right in front of them, I could safely assume that they would be giggling like school girls. Changelings drones can probably sense emotions like Chrysalis can, and probably sense some love radiating off of her, which would make some sense. She did admit that she’d want me to be her boyfriend, so it’s safe to assume she is leaking with love right now. If Changelings can feed off of other Changelings for love, then Chryssy was a walking buffet right now. “Oh right!” Twilight pulled out a notebook out of nowhere. “I was hoping, Queen Chrysalis, if you would be willing to come down, with an extra drone, to Ponyville so I can ask some questions. Your kind is kind of shrouded in mystery and it would be amazing if I could get some facts written down, and potentially turned into a book on you guys,” she didn’t phrase that like a question at all, and seemed way too eager to start writing some shit down about Chrysalis. “And since you’re the most knowledgeable on Changelings, you can help confirm whatever she says,” Twilight said, addressing me. Bro, what the fuck?  “I don’t know shit dude, I cuddled with Chrysalis, know a few things about how her magic works, and whatever. Just because Chryssy likes to use me as a teddy bear, doesn’t mean I am an expert on Changelings.” “But you do know more than anypony at the moment,” Twilight said. And… I can tell she was going to insist that I come down to Ponyville to ‘help’ with Changeling research until I said yes. Celestia taught this bitch, right? If so, then I really hope that Celestia isn’t as insistent- wait, nevermind, she insisted that I help her and Chrysalis make a treaty for Equestria and the Hive for at least thirty minutes before the meeting this morning… The student is like their teacher, I guess. Wait, I’m currently a politician(appointed by Sunny) without a paycheck… Celestia just fucking swindled me.