//------------------------------// // Chrysalis and I Talk Over Soup. Nothing Else Happens, nope. // Story: So, Funny Story // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// You know, being roommates with a Changeling Queen wasn’t too shabby. Turns out that the bug knows how to cook, since she apparently has impersonated many ponies, and took up many hobbies. While she wasn’t as long lived as Princess Celestia, but she was still fucking old. Like a millennium and a half old. Whatever, immortal horse bugs are normal, I guess. Anyway, speaking of Chrysalis, she was cooking something that smelled really good right now. “You know, when I have access to actual food, and not dirt, rocks, and sticks, I can make something delicious,” Chrysalis said as she taste tested the broth to… some sort of soup. “Perfect!” I also shouldn’t be surprised, but the Queen of an entire race had a lot of money, and used said bits to good use. Our cabinets and ice box were loaded with food, plenty of ingredients for pizza(Chrysalis insisted that I make one pizza per week), but cooks most of the other days in a week. For reference, we’ve been roommates for two months now. “Something tells me you love cooking a lot,” I said casually as I set down the new notebook I’ve been writing in. I’ve been working out a poetry book with deep, meaningful poems about how a pony stubbed his hoof, or the little manticore that could. I even wrote a couple jokes about a certain Changeling Queen, all of which were Queen Chrysalis, Queen of the South East Hive approved: Lady Bug, Lady Bug, please toss down your mane so I may climb up and kiss you. Oh dear Celestia, I knew this was too good to be true. And like a Changeling that kicked a Stallion in the face, dear Chrysalis kicked the stallion in the face. Then the stallion got put in jail for breaking into the Queen’s castle. I know, riveting poetry.  “You know, that poem would be better if I kicked the stallion in the hindlegs, don’t you think?” “Yeah, but I shudder at the thought…” That just sounded completely painful and unnecessary. “I mean, you just don’t do that to a man under any circumstance. Like that’s just wrong.” “What if they’re trying to assault me.” “You’re a literal bug horse goddess. You could just bite their head off, rip their legs off, or kick them in the balls, I guess. I mean if they are trying to…” “Rape me.” “Thanks for the subtlety.” “Of course, it’s what we Changelings are best at.” “I know, just yesterday you made a joke about turning into a ‘pleasure’ toy for stallions, and made a very distasteful joke about all the nasty things said stallions would do to you.” The Queen rolled her eyes. “Anyways, what the heck is that?” I asked. “Chicken noodle soup, why do you ask? I, as a Changeling Queen, love meat based food. I can stomach plants, love stallions, but I absolutely love meat. Mostly chicken…”  “Give me a bowl please.” “I thought you ponies didn’t like meat.” “Yeah, and I’m not a pony.” “What?” Chrysalis tilted her head. “You have four hooves, a tail, mane, and horn. Are you a Changeling or something? Perhaps a really ugly, short giraffe.” “Nah, I’m an alien,” I casually said as Chrysalis gave me a bowl of the soup. I took a spoonful, blew on it, and shoved it in my mouth. Sweet god, how is this bug good at cooking? “I mean, have you ever seen a unicorn use their hooves for something? For the most part, I’ve used my hooves, no magic. Maybe my mouth sometimes, but that’s it. I can’t use magic since I’m not a unicorn in mind, but I am in body.” I took another spoonful of broth and swished it around. It was kinda thick, but still pretty good and had a slight creaminess to it. “I suppose… care to tell me what you are?” “A human.” “Ah, that thing Sunny and Luni want to keep secret.” “How the fuck-“ “A lady never reveals her secrets, Fruit. But I’ve got eyes and ears everywhere, my dear friend. I’ve got drones everywhere, some in more places than others. Most are out gathering love, but others gather some intel in the process. Then I am told about this intel, for instance, human beings, an intelligent race from another universe. If you’re human, that would explain so much about your use of ‘everybody’ and other words like ‘god’. And your apparent love for chicken noodle soup.” Chrysalis chuckled. “Let’s ignore that for now. If you’re human or not, I don’t care. You’re a good stallion, even if you don’t know it. If you’d like, I can teach you how to use magic,” the Queen offered. “I do love teaching, but all of my drones know how to use all their abilities by instinct. So hopefully I can teach you a thing or two…” I guess this is a thing now; teacher buggy. Chrysalis whipped a book on magic out of nowhere. “Can you tell me how good your emotional control is?” “It’s okay.“ “Good, good. Think fast!” I yelped when Chrysalis threw an apple at me, and I blinked a couple times when the apple never hit me in the face. Suspended in a red aura, the apple floated inches away from my face. “Magic is heavily tied to your emotions, you were scared of getting hit in the nose by an apple, so your body instinctively used magic to follow your desires of not being hit.” Chrysalis smirked. “You scream like a mare.” “Rude.” “But it’s accurate…” Chrysalis cleared her throat. “Now, we’ve reached a breaking point for you. You’ve just used magic for the first time, so let’s try this. Take your spoon, think of the desire to transfer some of the chicken noodle soup’s broth into your mouth.” I did as told. The spoon glowed in a light, red hue, scooped some soup up, and slowly started moving to my mouth. “Magic is all about emotion and motivation… “Be weary, however. If you have dark desires, such as a desire to hurt somepony, it can corrupt your mind and tap into dark magic. Dark magic corrupts, and is very addictive since it is an easier pathway to raw magic output combined with easier to learn spells. Since I don’t think you will be fighting anypony, ever, I believe you will only need to have a good grasp on levitation.” I twirled a fork in the soup with my magic, and got a mouthful of noodles onto it. Chrysalis clapped her hooves. “Yes! I’ve taught a pony how to use magic!” She squealed… okay, that was cute. “And you’ve got a natural affinity for levitation, even if your magic does seem to be a bit shaky.” Now my head was starting to hurt. “Wait!” Chrysalis shouted. “I know your head hurts, remember the Changeling sense?” “The one about emotions?” “Yes… anyways, if your horn starts aching, or your head begins to hurt after using magic, take a moment and rest. From there, no magic for the rest of the day. With enough practice, you can go for days while using magic, depending on the complexity of a magic being used, without fatigue, and recover from its usage much quicker. Dark magic… doesn’t have this drawback, but again, can corrupt you. I’ve seen firsthoof what that wretched stuff can do to a pony. My last encounter with a dark magic user ended with a sizable chunk of my hive killed. “And while I might be evil, I do not enjoy the usage of dark magic, as it can corrupt a Changeling and turn them into something that only wishes to cause harm. Even if a Changeling kidnaps a pony, it has the intention of consuming the pony’s love; a means to survive. Heck, the pony it kidnapped might be returned the next day unscathed, if maybe a bit woozy. A Changeling corrupted by dark magic will kidnap and torture you, only because it would like to cause pain to another sentient being.” “So, essentially absolute power corrupts absolutely?” “Correct. And also, dark magic can deteriorate your body when used at high levels.” This straight up sounded like something out of Star Wars. I mean, normal magic, or good magic, and then dark magic which corrupts and hurts the user. The only thing missing from this universe are ponies with death glow sticks, running at each other, yelling, and zapping each other with spells… Okay, won’t touch dark magic, I would like to not be an evil sack of shit- nevermind, humans are already pretty bad so what if- “No.” “Wat?” “You are not trying Dark Magic. I can sense your curiosity, stupid. You are a friend, Fruit Punch. It would break my heart to see a friend corrupt themselves and become but a shadow of their former selves; a being with no room in their heart for compassion or love. I’ve already lost many friends, pony and Changeling, all the above, to age or murder. I’d hate to lose a friend to a corrupt, vile form of magic.” “You had pony friends?” Chrysalis nodded. “Sometimes a mare’s got to find some time to relax. So occasionally I would go out disguised, make a few pony friends, and stick with them for a lifetime while gathering love for my Hive. Even if I was friends with said ponies for a purpose, I’m still saddened by the loss. Just because I’m using a pony as prey, doesn’t mean I cannot actually enjoy their company can I?” Chrysalis had finished her fifth bowl of soup. “I’ve even married a few stallions and mares in the past on my love escapades. While I never had foals with those I’ve married, I always preferred adoption, I always did genuinely love them back. And by the end of it, I can bring food back to my Hive that will last for decades at a minimum! It was originally why I was out here, to gather love.” “So, I’m sorta… like a mission piece.” “Yes and no. You are my friend, but you happen to be supplying me with love. And you’re doing it while I’m not even disguised as somepony else. For that, you mean so much more to me than many of my past pony friends and lovers. And it’s hard to be friends with your children, all of whom are scared of you, respect you, and see you as a goddess. So for that, I can say you’re a true friend. A friend who doesn’t love the somepony I am pretending to be, but just me. “And also I do like your pizza.” “Damn woman, only here for my food.” “That’s right! Can you make pizza tonight? And maybe even teach me how to make one?” Chrysalis tilted her head as she spoke. How is a bug horse adorable? And… Chrysalis can sense that. Welp, she knows how to win any argument we have even easier now. A head tilt, big puppy eyes, and she wins all the time. There was a tiny spark in her eyes when she found out about this bargaining chip; she was unintentionally adorable at times. “Yeah, I can. I wanna head outside before we do anything whacky, like making a pepperoni pizza,” Chrysalis’s eyes widened.  “You can put meat on pizza? You’ve only been making cheese until now!” “I thought you didn’t eat meat until now!” A knock at the door put a pause on our shouting contest. Oh lord. “Fruit? Are you alright in there? I could hear you shout from down the street,” Celestia’s voice rang in from the other side. Uh… how would Celestia feel if she encountered Chrysalis in my home? I don’t want good ol’ Chryssy to get murdered(even if she snores kinda loudly), and… “We cannot have Princess Celestia see me,” Chrysalis whispered. “Hide somewhere!” I whispered back. Next thing I know,Queen  Chrysalis scrambled to get under the bed, and I stuffed the blanket in with her to hide her eyes(they glowed in the dark. It’s pretty cool, but really not helpful when trying to hide from an immortal pony that can set you on fire by blinking). With a successfully hidden Changeling Queen, I went to open the door. And whaddya know? Celestia is standing on the other side of the door looking ready to pounce on somebody. Not without taking a deep breath and adopting a more casual(and not slightly panicked) face. “Hey Tia, what are you doing here?” “Well, I was coming by to introduce you to somebody,” Celestia stepped inside and made her way over to the table… fuck, the chicken noodle soup is out. That’ll look odd to Celly, since it had a few expensive ingredients in it(that’s what Chrissy said). Another alicorn, a pink one stepped inside after Celestia. This one was much, much shorter than Celestia, had a heart for a butt tattoo, and had a non-flowing-not-physics-defying mane and tail that were yellow, some pink? And purple.  “Sup,” I casually greet. Woohoo, a third princess! What’s next? Somebody becomes the Princess of Friendship? Actually, I hope not, since that would spell disaster for everybody here. Like why the fuck would you need a Princess to tell you how to make friends? Just be like me, look approachable, get adopted by somebody with social skills, and wa’la! Friendship! Actually, I did kinda adopt Chrysalis, so for once I was the one with social skills… Fuck. “Hello, my name is Cadence, Princess of Love,” well then, at least it ain’t about friendship. “What is that smell…” The two of us turned to see Celestia eyeballing the soup on the stove. I chuckled nervously, that thing probably smelled a lot like Chrysalis for obvious reasons. I almost exclusively used the oven while Chrysalis exclusively used the stove. “Is that chicken soup?” Cadence looked slightly disgusted by that. “What? You ponies eat eggs, which are basically chicken fetuses. Why can’t I eat some chicken?” I cleared my throat. “Say Celestia, does Cadence know the thing about me?”  Celestia nodded. “I did inform her that she was meeting a pony that was… unique. Princess Cadence is my adoptive niece, and also, well, a Princess. It wouldn’t hurt to tell her about you being a human…” Celestia looked in the pantry. “Did you find a job? This place was much more bare the last time I was here.” “Yeah, I told a few jokes at a comedy bar, and got paid a good amount by the patrons,” I waved a hoof. Technically, this was true, I did get a few(not a lot) bits from a couple ponies in a comedy club. “Best crowd I ever told jokes for…” a piece of paper floated over to me, which neither Princess noticed somehow.  “One of my drones thinks I just got captured, and is heading back to the Hive.” Oh dear. Welp, that can’t be too good. I read the rest of the note. “Also Princess of Love… she was planning a wedding in a few months, and I was gonna kidnap the bride and take her place. Then you told me to behave and housed me, so I decided not to do that.” Well that’s neat, Chrysalis had plans of basically stealing a Princess’s husband, how could that go wrong?  Oh, and she was either being honest or pulling my leg. Least Chryssy didn’t say she’d go through with the plan because of me! That was kinda sweet, actually. “Well, perhaps I can give you the addresses for more comedy clubs. I have not been to many myself, but I did not know that ponies gave tips to those who went on stage,” Princess Celestia started. “I didn’t either.” “Well, I was hoping to invite you to Princess Cadence’s wedding as my plus one. Since you are a friend of mine, friend of the crown, and you can spend some time with Cadence, she did want to speak with you.” Wat? Go to a wedding?  “I have been wanting to meet you. A stallion crushes one of my aunts, and somehow gets on her good side right after? You sound like an interesting pony to speak to,” Cadence said. “I ain’t a pony. I’m a horse,” I said while trying to think of some way to get these two out of my home. That got Cadence to roll her eyes. Celestia simply chuckled, as she was used to my terrible sense of humor already, and actually took a sip of some of the chicken broth. That got Cadence to gag a bit. C’mon now, you fuckers are omnivorous, don’t give me that ‘meat is digusting’ bullshit.  “This isn’t too bad, Cadence you should-“ an alarm clock poofed into existence and Celestia’s eyes widened. “Darnit, Day Court is about to begin!” With that, Celestia grabbed Cadence with her forelegs, and the two of them teleported away. What the fuck is Day Court? That sounds like just a constant stream of lawsuits during the day! “Thank Celestia, literally, for her scheduling. I like the darkness that comes from hiding under your bed, but I’ve got long legs I’ve got to stretch!” Chrysalis shivered and shuttered. “Remember that drone I brought up, Fruit?” She asked. “The one that thought you were gonna get beheaded?” I asked. “Yes. It seems as though that drone managed to inform the Hive… and now the Hive is making its way down to Canterlot,” Chrysalis said.  “Can’t you stop them?” I asked. “You are the Queen, after all.” “Nope. When you’ve got thousands of drones that are concerned for your well-being, once they figure out that you might be in danger, they will not stop under any heed. Even my own,” Chrysalis face hoofed. “I love my children, I really do, but I think a war is going to break out here in Canterlot, especially at the wedding,” Chrysalis wrapped her forelegs around me like a protective mother. “Do not go to that wedding, or you might get killed! If my drones think I have been captured, then they will search the castle first!” “You aren’t gonna do anything stupid either, right?” I asked. “No, as I said in my note, I have given up on trying to impersonate the Princess of Food. For now…”. The Queen was engulfed in green fire before setting a hoof on me. “Let’s just go on a walk. Having Princess Celestia in such close proximity to me was horrifying, and my legs are still cramped from hiding under the bed. Who knows? We might find you some ‘sorry for not showing up at the wedding, a bunch of horse bugs invaded’ gift.’” “Hey, you got mad when I called you a horse bug when we first met.” “It is something you would write on a note attached to such a gift, would it not?” Chrysalis giggled. “If I wanted to, I can make a psychological profile on you in a day.” Wat. Before I could even ask what that would entail, Chrysalis picked me up on her back, and proceeded to gallop out of my house.