//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: Pegasus Vs. draconequus // Story: The Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship // by ThePinkedWonder //------------------------------// It was a basic, classic prank. Even so, it would be a sufficient warm-up. At Sugarcube Corner, a bucket full of water precariously balanced over its near-closed front door, masterly set to tilt over should somepony fully open the door. After looking her bucket over, Rainbow “Odds-beater” Dash ducked into a nearby, very conveniently placed bush. Princess Twilight waited with her inside said bush, though the Princess’s frown screamed she’d rather be doing almost anything else. Namely stopping the prank-off before things could go south, severely. “Wait for it…” Odds-beater mumbled, mostly to herself. The booby-trapped door opened; the bucket above it dropped and poured its contents onto the clueless earth pony mare below. “Hey!” “Ha ha ha! That never gets old!” “It can and does for me,” Twilight whined with her cheek leaning against her upturned hoof. A poof flashed behind the pair. When it faded, Discord–that is (ugh, I’m still getting used to this) the Stone stood tall. With a mocking bored tone in his voice, he said, “I admit there is a primitive charm to that old ‘water bucket to the head’ prank.” “Yeah, I know it’s not the best prank ever, but it was just a warm-up.” “Ha! You call that a warm-up? Get ready to watch a real warm-up.” The Stone snapped his claw. Buckets of paint of various colors, such as blue, red, green, white, and more rained down on ponies, back to back. The ponies’ reactions when nailed varied, be it growling, yelping, screaming, to even muttering “one of these days…” The Stone held his head up in pride and smugness. “Taking notes? That is what you call a warm-up!" He stroked his goatee and added, "Still, it feels like I'm forgetting something...” Two more buckets rained on Odds-beater and Twilight, soaking them in pink paint. "Hey!" the mares shouted in unison. "Right, that was what I forgot. Can't have ponies thinking I'm discriminating against you two. I'm an equal opportunity prankster." Odds-beater shook herself off, sending paint splattering in all directions, causing Twilight to flinch as flying drops of paint splashed on her. "Discord–uh, Stone, I know prank-off rules allow you to prank me too, but could you please leave me out as a target? It's bad enough that I'm stuck having to act as your and Odds-beater's judge, being the only alicorn around. I'd much rather be home reading my books!" "I suppose, but you really need to learn to lighten up." He rose and flipped himself in midair, and reached out his paw to his vexed adversary. “As for you, would you like to give up now, Odds-not-so-beater, or will you struggle some more first?” “Neither. I’m going to win!” “Good filly. Winning a championship won't be fun if you throw in the towel so quickly." Deep in the apple orchards of Sweet Apple Acres… “She always starts with that tree first. I hope she’s ready to run,” Odds-beater said with a giggle as she, Twilight (both no longer covered in paint) and even the Stone hid in an even more conveniently placed bush in the apple fields. How could someone as tall as Discord/the Stone manage to fit himself inside a pony-height bush? Simple: he’s him. Applejack trotted through her field and to the tree in question, humming cheerfully. She glanced to the bush hiding the pranksters and their reluctant royal judge, but shrugged in non-concern. “Huh. Thought Big Mac was supposed to clear out the bushes growin’. Granny Smith’s gonna let ‘im have it if he were slackin’. Unless…” She squinted her eyes and stared more intently at her tree. Apples were big, red, and juicy. The tree’s branches and leaves ballooning outward looked to be untouched and innocent. “Nah. Even if I couldn’t get her back for it, Rainbow wouldn’t dare mess with one of my trees for her prank-off with Discord.”  The earth pony turned around to face away from her tree, then stretched her hind legs. “Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee, time to go to work.” She bucked the tree, sending shivers throughout the proud structure. Four apples fell…along with a big bucket full of honey that was hidden in the branches! Said bucket tilted as it fell and dunked honey all over the pony caught under it. “What in tarnation?!” she asked as she gawked at herself, dripping with thick, sticky honey. Laughter from a certain pony burst from a certain bush. Applejack emitted a low, slow growl while gritting her teeth. “Rainbow Dash!” “I almost don’t want to say it,” Twilight whispered to Odds-beater, “but that prank isn’t more impressive than the Stone’s first prank. Therefore, I can rule this pr–” Odds-beater slowed her laughter and whispered, “Give it a few more seconds, Judge. It’s not done yet.” Low but approaching buzzing pushed through the fields. It grew louder and more chillingly ominous. Applejack stared up toward where it seemed to be coming from–her mouth fell agape as her pupils collapsed. With their sights locked on her, a swarm of bees stormed toward the honey-coated Applejack! ("Blasphemy!") the swarm's leader yelled in bee language. ("You eat honey, not wear it! Let's STICK HER GIRLS!") ("Banzai!") The rest of the swarm roared. “Whoa, nelly!” Being heavily outnumbered, Applejack – somewhat ironically – dashed away as far as Bucky McGillicuddy, Kicks McGee, and whatever she named her other two hooves could move.  “Ha ha ha ha!” “Rainbow Dash, I can hear yer laughin’! If not for those prank-off rules, I would kick yer flank to the moon, beg Princess Celestia to send me there, just so I could kick yer flank again!” As Odds-beater expected, Applejack forgot in her panic and anger that she could have let herself get stung to get the pegasus disqualified as payback. Twilight heavily considered reminding the cowpony of the injury clause, yet the possibility of Applejack entering anaphylactic shock from en masse bee stings kept her quiet. Twilight was lucky she didn’t suffer a case of anaphylactic shock when a swarm of bees dive-bombed her, back during her unicorn phase. “See?” Odds-beater asked as her laughing calmed. “That’s almost like two pranks for the price of one! That’s way more clever than a bunch of buckets of paint falling on ponies’ heads!" She poked her hoof into Twilight's ribs. "Right, Judge?” The prank-off judge sighed in begrudging agreement. “I wish I could say ‘no’, but as judge, I must be honest by saying I agree.” Stone mockingly yawned, extra-loudly for emphasis. “Very cute, Odds-beater, very cute. Prepare to watch and learn.” He snapped his claw and the three vanished from the Apple family's apple orchards. Twilight, Odds-beater, and the Stone warped near a window of Carousel Boutique's AKA Rarity’s home. Another snap of the draconequus’s claw summoned a mass collection of chickens, which all gathered further away from the window, almost like a living cushion. “What are we doing here?” Twilight asked as she looked over toward the chickens. “And what’s with those chickens? If you’re trying to call me a ‘chicken’, Rainbow ‘Odds-beater’ Dash is anything but a chicken!” Stone pointed toward Rarity, who was trotting to a sewing machine in her living room. “Just keep your eye on the unicorn.” The pegasus and alicorn turned their gazes to the unicorn. “Time for some stress-sewing.” She turned on her sewing machine. One of its ends sprouted a mouth and unleashed a mighty roar, its decimals literally shaking the boutique. “AHHHH!” Rarity scurried back in a flash…and into bands of a slingshot that had just appeared behind her from chaotic magic. “What is the–” As if trying to be a jerk by cutting her off, the slingshot flicked Rarity forward. She screamed as she flew across her room, spinning head over hooves, and through her window. She fell onto the Stone's waiting chickens, which cushioned what could have been a painful splat onto the ground into a soft, painless landing–at the cost of Rarity being covered in feathers. Although to a sophisticated mare that values her coat and especially mane looking fabulous, that result might have been worse to her. “Okay, what is the meaning of this?!” she shouted with a scowl, still surrounded by clucking chickens. “Oh, poo, I forgot to wish upon a flying unicorn. Could you repeat that stunt one more time, or should I fetch you a stunt double?” the Stone teasingly asked. “My chickens can wait.” “I should have known immediately that this was some ridiculous prank.” Rarity stared at her new feathers adhering to her coat, grimacing in disgust–though it could have been worse.  “At least these feathers won’t be too hard to brush–” The chickens flapped their wings, took to the air, and then…hoo boy! They each laid and dropped an egg onto Rarity’s back and mane as they flew away! After which, the Stone snapped his claw; Rarity’s sewing machine inside her boutique returned to its inanimate, mouthless state. Too bad what Rarity cared most about remained untouched. Dripping in egg yolk, Rarity's muscles froze. Her pupils enlarged, but bore a vacant stare. The Stone counted down, "Three, two, one..." “NOOOOO!!" Rarity's screech was heard as far as Tartarus, even scaring Tirek and waking up Cerberus. The raw impact of her mane being ruined was so extreme, her human counterpart shed a tear, but had no clue why she did. “Perfection. Three pranks for the price of one! Or four if you call the feathers and eggs separate pranks. More impressive than Odds-beater's two-for-one prank! Isn't that right, Judge?” "I have to agree," Twilight said, her eyelids half-closed out of annoyance. "If I ever meet who invented prank-offs, I will have choice words for how they forbid even princesses from stopping them." "If you do, I will provide popcorn for that show. But enough of that." Stone looked to Rarity with a sly, trolly smirk marked on his lips. “Well, Rarity, looks like the ‘yolk’ is on you.” Tiny cracks eeked onto Rarity's gritting teeth; good thing she has dental insurance. "DISCORD! That crossed the line!” “Uh, I’m ‘The Stone'.” “Right now I don’t care, Discord!” She pointed to her yolk-dripping mane. “JUST LOOK AT WHAT YOUR CHICKENS DID!! It might take me hours if not days to get all this egg yolk out of my mane!” Stone floated to Rarity and patted her on her back, yolk sticking to his paw. “Tell you what: when I talk about who I owe the most to during my victory speech after I win the Equestrian Heavyweight Prankster Championship, I'll say your name first.”  “Seriously?! That is your idea of making this up to me?!” “Not good enough? Then I’ll let you make a speech about me instead.” The probable future champion levitated back to and petted Odds-beater's head, leaving a streak of yolk on it. “Anyway, you’re up, Odds-beater. Try to make this a little more challenging for me, will you?” “Then get ready! It’s time for a serious prank now!” Inside Ponyville’s post office… Along with Twilight and the Stone, Odds-beater stood in front of a tall cubic shelf holding letters and packages. “Good, we snuck in successfully and there's nopony around. Now for phase ‘2’.” She smiled mischievously and swapped the letters and packages from their rightful shelf, one by one. “Heh heh! This is his and now it’s hers! This is hers and now it’s his!” “Rainbow, I don’t like this prank,” Twilight said as she shook her head in disapproval. Must be getting serious if she forgot to address Rainbow by her new prank-off stage name. “You don’t like any of my pranks, sourpony,” Odds-beater scoffed as she continued her phase 2. “Fair enough, but this falls under mail tampering! Even if prank-off's ‘consequences’ clause protects you from being arrested, it could take the post office days to sort out everything when ponies bring these letters and packages back here. Muffins do her best, but she struggles under normal conditions as it is.” “‘Muffins’?” Odds-beater stopped switching letters/packages and stared at Twilight with a puzzled frown. “You’re talking about that clumsy cross-eyed pegasus right? I thought her name was ‘Derpy’.” “It is, but she apparently loves muffins so much, she started going by both names. I heard she sometimes go by ‘Ditzy Doo’ too, but that’s not important right now. " Twilight pointed a firm, no-nonsense hoof at Odds-beater. "What is important is that you’re tampering with mail!” “But I need to do something big to outdo what the Stone did to Rarity, and the bigger I go, the sooner I can win! You want our prank-off to end as fast as possible, right, Judge?” “Well, I do, but…” Twilight trailed off, finishing off with a defeated groan. On days like this, she hated her innate aversion to breaking rules and clauses, or she would scream “Screw the rules, I’m a princess!” and shut down this prank-off immediately. “I can’t wait until this prank-off is over and I can try to legally ban future ones!” “As long as I win, I can live with never having another prank-off." Odds-beater swapped the last few letters and said with a smirk, "Now, ‘Stony’, let’s see you do better!” Stone snapped his claw. “I just did.” “Huh?" Odds-beater rubbed her head in confusion. "What did you do?” “To the chagrin of this story's lazy writer, telling tends to have less impact than showing, so I’ll do the latter. That poor sap needs all the help he can get from us.” “Huh? What lazy wr–wait, never mind. I’m not in an asking questions mood," the normally question-happy alicorn said. "Just take us to your prank.” Not needing to be asked again, the Stone teleported them out of Ponyville's post office and outside. Nothing seemed to be amiss. Ponies still had four legs. Houses were free of traps. Sky was still blue.  “Uh, where’s the prank?” Odds-beater asked. “Give it a second.” “What happened in here?!” a mare from inside a house yelled. “I didn’t even have a piano! Where are my cameras and pictures?!” “I don’t know, but who put all these rocks and books about stand-up comedy in my living room?!” “At least you’re not surrounded by boxes of mouth-watering cakes, cupcakes, and pies while you’re on a strict diet like I am! This is just cruel!” “And who can even read this many books?! They look like they were from a library! But this book…hee hee! Spicy! Whoa, what the hay is this thing…?” Twilight growled and glared at the Stone. “Stone, did you use your magic to swap what ponies keep in their homes?”  “Welp, there goes the ‘show, don’t tell’ principle, but yes, I did. Much more impressive than swapping some letters, and just wait until you learn what a pony just did thanks to me." Twilight's silence gave the answer she really didn't want to say out loud: Discord's prank outdid Odd-beater's. Thus the prank-off was still live. “Rainbow or Discord must somehow be behind this!” another mare called out. “They and their stupid prank-off!” “I don’t think Rainbow could do this, so it gotta be Discord’s prank! Maybe now she’ll wise up and let him win that championship before he buries Ponyville under ten feet of snow!” “No kidding! There’s no way she could outdo that guy in pranks! He’s Discord or ’the Rocky’ or whatever it was he called himself!” “YEAAAAAAH!!!” Odds-beater facehoofed. Fully understanding her opponent could do much more than even this via his magic, and her raw skills alone could only do so much, it was time to face the cold, harsh facts. The pegasus was outmatched, pure and simple. She would have to suck it up, concede, and hope the Stone would eventually get bored with gloating. Or stay near Fluttershy for a while–he wouldn’t dare be a sore winner around her. Or maybe not. She got an idea. An awful idea. No seriously–this isn’t just a reference; it is an awful idea! If it backfired, things could end in a type of disaster Twilight feared could eventually transpire in this prank-off.  And yet, her idea was her only shot, albeit a long shot, of pulling off what miracle upsets dream to be. She did call herself "Odds-beater" after all. She also wasn’t a pony known for playing it safe anyway, so if anypony would accept the risks, it would be her. “Time-out! I need to get some help with my next prank.” In Princess Twilight’s castle, a lilac unicorn screamed a question. Not because she was the victim of another prank, but because of what was just asked. “You want my magic’s help?!”