//------------------------------// // Figuratively, and Literally // Story: Stitched // by Jest //------------------------------// “Is the illusion holding properly?” Rarity asked, looking down at her now perfectly normal white-furred legs. “Yes, the spell seems to be holding for now but it probably won't last very long. The more the spell has to change the shorter it lasts and well you had a lot that needed changing.” Twilight remarked, glancing out the window at the station just up ahead. “Twilight, darling. If you do not start watching your words I will actually sew your mouth shut.” Rarity stated simply, giving the alicorn a deadpan expression. “Look, I’m sorry. I should watch my words a little better. Just a little nervous is all. Plus teleporting all your outards took a bit out of me.” “Outards?” Rarity asked incredulously. “Well, we certainly couldn't call them innards anymore.” Twilight snickered. Rarity just rolled her eyes and waited as the train began to slow, finally coming to a stop at the station about the same time Rarity’s eyeballs stopped rolling around in their sockets. “You ready Rarity?” “As I’ll ever be.” Rarity droned. “Right.” Twilight nodded before taking the lead. Together the pair slipped out of the relatively empty train and out onto the equally as relatively empty train station. Other than one now thoroughly disgusted train station employee, they hadn't had to get close to anyone, much to Twilight’s relief. Even the usual guards found near the station seemed to be absent today, leaving the pair breathing metaphorically easier. The few passengers avoided the pair like the plague, meaning they didn't have any trouble save for Rarity acquiring a new swarm of flies that buzzed incessantly around her head. “Hold still,” Twilight muttered while trying to zap the tiny bugs. Rarity sighed. “Don't bother Twilight, just get them when we are at the shop.” “Well alright, I just don't want them to bug you.” Twilight giggled. Rarity pretended she didn't hear that. “Get it? Cus they are insects.” Twilight added, unhelpfully. “I get the pun Twilight now would you please be quiet, you are drawing attention to us.” Twilight looked around, noticing a pair of solar knight scouts standing wide-eyed and slack-jawed at them from several feet away. The one holding out a pamphlet for a local bake sale was tall, and slender, with a gold coat and light blonde hair cascading down her face in a haphazard fashion, her cutie mark was of a sun rising over a pie. While the other who was currently trying desperately to hold down her lunch was a lot shorter and was the first filly’s complete opposite. Her mane and tale were twin shades of dark blue, her short, overly styled mane only slightly darker than her fur, her cutie mark was of a padlock with two bobby pins sticking out of it. “Ooh, a solar scout bake sale!” Twilight grabbed one of the pamphlets from the filly’s grasp, hardly noticing the fact that the filly had hardly moved. “Thank you!” “Let's go Twilight.” Rarity hissed, pulling the other mare into a much less populated alley. “Hey watch it! No need to pull. Jesse.” Twilight whined, obediently following Rarity as the pair disappeared down a nearby alley. Leaving two rather stunned young mares to slowly turn to each other. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” The shorter one asked. “I am, and no.” The yellow one responded. “What! But you smelt that too! She was definitely a zombie!” The blue one pleaded, gesturing over to the small swarm of flies still chasing after the pair. “I mean look at that! It's the only explanation!” “Not everyone who smells funny, or walks weirdly is a zombie. Did you think about the fact that she might have just stepped in something?” The taller one raised an eyebrow, poking the smaller one with a hoof. “So, did ya?” “What?! You smelled that too! You can't just step in death!” A confident smile spread across her face suddenly and she stood up tall and proud, placing a hoof over her heart. “Besides, isn't it our duty as solar knights?” “Augh, you know they changed the name years ago, it's solar scout.” The smaller one rolled her eyes and blew the taller one a raspberry. “Whatever, names don't matter. What does matter is duty! We definitely have to capture her and bring her to HQ!” “HQ?” The taller one asked incredulously. “Tumbler, we don't have a headquarters remember?” The smaller filly just smirked. “That's now what I remember.” “I was six! Six, tumbler! I thought it was cool.” “It so is cool! Who else has a secret tree house headquarters in their backyard.” The other filly struck another valiant pose. “Besides, need I remind you, it's the solar knight's sworn duty to protect the realm from devastation!” “Augh, please Tumbler, not here! There are people watching!” “Come on Sunny, I know you know the words!” Sunny rolled her eyes and mumbled. “To unite all people within our nation.” “To denounce the evils of hate and fear!” Tumbler yelled. “To extend our reach to the stars above.” “Blue Tumbler!” Said pony struck a dramatic pose, pointing valiantly skyward with a wide smile on her face. “Sunny Pies!” Said the other pony struck a similar pose, save for in the opposite direction, and with much less enthusiasm. “Solar knights are always ready for a fight!” “Surrender now or feel our might!” In the distance, a cat screeched. Sunny Pies was the first to stop posing, pushing down her friends still extended forelimb. “Alright fine, so what if she was a zombie? What are we gonna do about it? We can't even ride the train alone. Why don't we just tell the guard?” Blue Tumbler frowned. “It's the solar knight's job, that's why! We are the protectors of the realm, sworn to save the world from the scourge of evil!” An old stallion suddenly stopped and gasped dramatically. “Oh no.” The slightly younger but still old stallion beside him muttered, slapping a hoof to his face. “EEEEEEEVIL!” The first stallion yelled before sprinting off down the street, continuing to shout evil for several seconds. “Now look at what you made him do.” The younger stallion said with a sigh, following after the older stallion who was now viciously attempting to grapple a tree. Sunny Pies blinked and looked over at her friend. “Uh, anyway. Why shouldn't we just tell the guard?” “Err, sorry Sunny, that was just really jarring.” Tumbler shook her head. “Because it's our job Sunny! It was part of the sacred oath we took as solar knights!” “Maybe a thousand years ago it was, now the only foul creatures we hunt down are ponies who haven't heard of the bakesale we are throwing.” Blue huffed. “Don't be such a spoilsport Sunny! Think of it! We could be like the knights of eras long past, hunting down monsters and bringing justice to the realm!” She looked back and forth before leaning in and whispering. “And think of all the stallions we would get if we caught a real live zombie!” “A, a zombie isn't alive by definition. B, what is it with you and stallions? You know there is an easier way to get a date.” Sunny gestured toward her friend's overstyled mess of a hairdo. “For one, you could stand to lose a few of those pins you love so much. It looks like a rat’s nest up there.” “Hey!” Tumbler lifted her hooves up to her head, defending her rat’s nest. “My hair isn't that bad.” “It really is.” Sunny replied. “Humph!” Blue crossed her forehooves indignantly. Suddenly her eyes lit up and a creepy smile spread across her face. Pies backed up a step, gulping nervously. “What? What is that look for?” “I bet if you caught a zombie, Starlit Sentry would finally notice you. I heard he looooves tough mares.” Sunny stopped backing up and looked down at her friend curiously. “Really?” Hook line and sinker. Blue Tumbler thought with a smirk. “Oh yeah, did you see the look that he gave that female guard during career day?” The taller filly tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe…” “Yes!” Blue Tumbler cheered. “But we need a plan, and a good one! And you’re not allowed to eat any of my mom’s blueberry cookies!” Sunny added, waggling her hoof at the other filly. “But why? They are so good…” Sunny got up. “Your farts smell worse than that zombie did and I don't think I can handle any more apocalyptic-level nastiness today.” “H-hey!” Blue scrambled to her hooves and chased after her rapidly retreating friend. “Come back here Sunny Pies! I swear to Celestia you're going to get it!” Sunny turned and blew a raspberry at her friend. “You’ll have to catch me first, tiny legs!” “AUGH!” The blushing filly yelled, sprinting after her madly giggling friend. Twilight peered out of the alley the pair were hiding in, looking up and down the more or less barren stretch of street. The hoof traffic was low as they were at that perfect time right before the rush began after work and school let out, allowing them to have slipped through most of Canterlot without too much trouble other than the swarm of flies they had attracted, which Twilight had to stop and zap. Now that they were close to the boutique Rarity’s disguise had begun to flicker and the dead unicorn cringed as suddenly her pristine white fur was replaced by the hastily sewn-together mess that it actually was. “Is the coast clear? We must hurry darling.” Rarity whispered. Twilight frowned. “Wait, there is a group of ponies passing by aaaand we're good. Let's go.” The alicorn stepped out onto the street, ushering her friend out. Rarity peaked her head out and let out a small sigh of relief. “Not far now, is it worse?” Rarity asked, looking up at her friend with wide, hopeful eyes. Twilight gulped audibly and slowly turned around, revealing that her nose had several more clothespins attached to it. “Mo, mot at all.” Rarity let out a shallow breath. “Let's just get there quickly. The basement isn't very big but it should be just enough for what we need.” Twilight nodded and walked out onto the straight, trotting confidently towards the shop at a brisk pace. Followed closely, but not too closely, by Rarity who wore an uncomfortable frown. Her ears twitched, either because of the death of the nerves that connected to them, or the distant sound of someone singing very poorly. As they drew closer to the shop, the distant sound of what seemed like several cats vigorously making love was revealed to be a stallion standing directly before the boutique. A small record player set before him was belting out an upbeat, moderately paced tune that was heavy on the brass. Which he was completely murdering with what sounded like a very amateur adaptation of a moonlit sonata. “Oh, Rarity I sing for thee! Won't you please come out and we can have tea!” The stallion sang, much to Rarity’s growing annoyance and Twilight’s complete perplection. “What is he singing? I’ve never heard something so terrible.” Twilight asked, turning to her friend. Rarity sighed and ran a hoof down her face. “It's a song he wrote, he comes down here every week or so to ‘serenade’ me.” She added air quotes around the word serenade, which was hardly necessary as the amount of sarcasm dripping from her tone could have drowned a pony. “Oh.” Twilight wilted. “That's… nice?” Twilight asked, forcing an awkward smile on her face. “Maybe the first few times but at month eight it gets exhausting. Unfortunately, there are no laws against it since he's on public property.” Rarity remarked dryly Twilight frowned. “Surely we could have a restraining order placed against him? This sounds a lot like harassment.” Rarity sighed. “It kind of is but he's just so young and vulnerable, I want to let him down gently but every time he comes by I’m too busy to break it to him.” “Well, why not now?” Twilight asked before turning toward the stallion and walking up to him, waving all the while. “Hi!” Rarity blinked. “W-wait! I look terrible and smell like death!” Rarity huffed, making a note to buy Twilight a leash the next time they went out in public. Only to feel a flash of embarrassment, and a tiny bit of arousal flash through her mind as she realized the full implications of such a thought. Maybe another time. Rarity thought before pushing the image from her mind and trotting after her friend. “Hi, hello. My name is Twilight Sparkle and you are?” “Your eyes are like a big pizza pie - oh, um hello there. Can I help you?” The small, demure green, and teal stallion asked, shrinking a little at the presence of royalty. “Your uh, majesty?” “Well I was just accompanying my friend Rarity and I was hoping she could-” “Get to her shop without any interruptions.” Rarity added quickly, making her way toward the door. Only to be blocked by a stern-faced Twilight who whispered. “Come on Rarity, now’s your chance.” “Twilight will you kindly butt out of my-” “Oh, Rarity it really is you! I almost didn't recognize your effervescent beauty!” “I wouldn't go that far.” Rarity mumbled. Twilight jabbed her in the shoulder and gestured to the stallion but right as she was about to encourage her friend the stallion suddenly gagged and took a step back. “My word princess, what on earth did you eat?” Rarity snorted, stifling a giggle as Twilight blinked. “What, I don't stink Rarity does!” The stallion scoffed, squeezing shut his nose with a hoof. “I hardly believe that the most fashionable pony in all of Equestria would go out smelling like that.” He gagged again, nearly vomiting in the process. “Shouldn't you have servants to help you with your personal hygiene issues?” Rarity elbowed her friend. “You really should allow your servants to help with your little issue, your majesty.” Twilight’s face grew bright red and she stared daggers at her friend. “I do not have an issue!” “Now now princess, it is a tad unsightly if you were to discuss your frankly disturbingly bad halitosis in public.” The stallion exclaimed. Rarity snickered and walked towards the door to her boutique only to be blocked by the stallion who suddenly appeared in her path. “Please Miss Rarity I know the princess’ smell has put a damper on the mood but I must take this chance to profess my love and ask for a boon.” Rarity’s eyes twitched, whether that was in anger or the nerves dying was unknown. “Look, I really have to get to work why don't you come back later?” Meanwhile, Twilight had removed the pins from her nose and breathed into her cupped hooves, trying to smell her own breath. The stallion only moved more in the way, a wide confident smile growing across his face. “Oh, but it is such an Infinitesimalsmall thing Miss Rarity! I desire only a single hair from your perfect mane!” Rarity recoiled. “You will not get a lock of my hair you rapscallion now please-” “Oh but it is just the tiniest of things, you see my friends doubt your beauty, your grace and I wish to prove them wrong, please help me show them the light!” The stallion cried. “Now see here I will not-” “Please, please! Just a single strand would show them the error of their ways!” Rarity frowned and tried to duck squeeze between him and the door only to get blocked again. “Augh. See here mister I will not-” The stallion suddenly collapsed to his knees, his eyes growing wide and watery and he looked up to Rarity with the most pathetic expression the mare had ever seen. “Please, please, please! I beg of you!” Rarity growled dangerously, her eye twitching in a mixture of nerve death and rage. “FINE!” She yelled before grabbing one of her hairs in her magic and tearing it out. She tossed it up and grabbed Twilight with her magic. “Come on Twilight, let's go.” The stallion’s eyes went wide and he leaped up, chasing after the floating strand of hair. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!” Rarity rolled her eyes and pulled Twilight inside the shop and away from the love-struck stallion. Who leaped into the air and grabbed the strand of hair before it could blow away. “Oh, what a wonderful, wonderful day! Truly I have been blessed by-” He blinked, looking down at the base of the strand of hair, where a clump of scalp was still connected. “Hurk” Inside Rarity and Twilight exchanged a glance as they listened to the sound of the stallion vomiting his guts out onto the pavement. Then when his stomach was empty he screamed a high-pitched feminine scream and ran away, the sound of his cry slowly vanishing into the background noise of the city. “Well uh, that was certainly one way to do it,” Twilight remarked before leaning in. “My breath doesn't stink, right Rarity?” Rarity sighed and ran a hoof down her face. “Your breath does not stink, now will you please focus?” Twilight pulled her hoof from her nose and blushed. “Err, right.” Looking around the boutique Rarity saw several customers in the midst of shopping, a stallion inspected a suit a ponyquin wore. A mother was pulling dresses from a rack and handing them to her beleaguered filly who merely took the garment and rolled her eyes. Several other mares were grouped around the counter, haggling with Sassy Saddles who seemed as beleaguered as the filly slash servant. The fashionable Sassy Saddles wore a strained smile, her shoulders were tight with stress and her mane was disheveled. “Please miss, that coupon is expired I cannot-” “Oh pish posh.” the older mare remarked, raising her nose into the air. “I only got this coupon last week in the Canterlot gazette, surely it cannot be expired already!” “Yeah.” Another one added, this one towing her nose up even higher and scoffing. “Are you saying your coupons are only good for a single week? What kind of game are you and Miss Rarity playing?” Sassy Saddles stifled a groan and picked up the coupon, displaying the expiry date clearly for the gathered elderly mares. “It says right here that it was printed two months ago and it was good until last Tuesday. I cannot accept this, but I can give you a smaller discount for being a repeat customer.” Another scoff and Rarity quickly lost her patience, she needed the store empty and she needed it empty yesterday. With her head held high, she trotted up to the counter and cleared her throat. “What seems to be the problem here?” The elderly mare’s turned-up nose scrunched in disgust, just now catching a whiff of the stench that radiated from the deceased mare. “Why I say, have you been rolling around in the gutter?” One of the other elderly mares with a short pixie-cut mane chuckled. “Typical townie.” Sassy Saddles' face was the perfect mask of respect, despite her nose scrunching up slightly. “This mare is trying to pay with a coupon that expired last week, I tried offering her a different discount but she won't accept it.” One of the mares harumphed and was about to speak but was cut off by Rarity’s icy glare. “Take the offered discount or leave, now.” “Why I never. You cannot be serious.” “Did I stutter?” “Err-.” Twilight smirked. “You better take the deal.” For a tense moment, the lead mare seemed ready to continue complaining but suddenly the wind blew out of her sails and she turned to leave, clutching her purse tightly against her chest. “Come on along girls, let's go somewhere that doesn't smell like a dumpster from the griffin quarter.” Rarity snorted, rolling her eyes, watching as the three older mares left. “I’m sorry but we are going to be closing early. Please accept a ten percent discount as my sincere apology.” The stallion shrugged and left, while the mother’s eyes went wide and the filly face hooved. She grabbed the entire pile of dresses they had been trying on and dragged it up to the counter. Rarity leaned in close to her assistant. “Lock up as soon as she's done.” “Alright…” Together Twilight and Rarity moved to the back of the shop. Once out of earshot Rarity sighed and looked back to her assistant. “How am I going to break it to her?” Twilight shrugged. “Just tell her flat out.” “Do you think that’s wise Twilight? What if she screams or something?” Twilight snorted. “Being dead isn't a crime Rarity. I should know, I read every single book on Equestrian law.” “Thats… concerning.” Rarity muttered, sighing. “There must be a way to ease her into the news though…” “Ease me into what news?” “Bwah!” Rarity’s eyes widened and she took a nervous step back. “Err it's just, well you see the thing is darling-” “Rarity’s dead,” Twilight added, quite unhelpfully. Sassy Saddle’s jaw metaphorically hit the floor and she turned to Rarity, whose jaw literally hit the floor. The live mare collapsed in a heap, fainting at the sight of her employer littleraly coming apart before her. Rarity tried to speak only to face hoof and glare at the alicorn who just shrugged. “What?”