Sipping tea with God probably wasn't the first thing on your mind for today, much less the situation where there's an angel-pony sitting next to you, face flush, trying to explain to God why she believes she must be your bride by rite of boop.
But, y'know, it could be worse. It could've turned out there was no afterlife, after all.
You nod to yourself, content, as God gives you a look. Up-and-down. Inside-and-out. Soul-and-body.
"... Zoph, you could've done much better..."
"He's the only one who has yet to fear me! He lacks the fear to summon an angel to do his bidding, much less make such a move upon them!"
God sips his tea further, a great slurping coming from his b̸̟̹̲̺̀̇̍̆͋̆̔̒͗̊͋̾̚ę̵̦̮̪̈a̶̢̞̫̭͓̯͚͚̳͇͓͉̅̋̃͒̎͋̒̈̐̀̅̚͜͠͝ų̷̯͓̘̜̳̑̋̓̇͐̅͂͘͜͝t̶̨̜͍̹̪̳̬̼̥̗͔̥͈̰̏͜i̴͖͎̞̟̠͖̦͇͋̀̌̏͆̃̾̒f̷̱̌͌̆̀̇̈̂̈̀͊̍͂̉̕ù̴̧̧̨̡̳̹͈͔̖͖̖͙̼̭̺̅͐͝l̷̺͙͎̞̭̔̈́̿̀͐̓͐̚ form as he continues to size you up.
"... Perhaps, perhaps. But first, I must hear the story."
She perks up, seeming like she's about to give it- before he points his a̵̼̮͓̩̹͍͓̬̠̝̗͆͛͒̈́͊̏̏͐̎̉̚p̸̢̧̠͙̪͈̼̯̮͖̥̬̒̿͗̍̈́̕p̵̧̠̲̙̳̪̙̖͎̙̌̅̊̂́͒è̸̢͚͖̲̮͕͇̫̲̯̦͚͕ͅn̵̨̘͉͙̗̠͑̋̍̀̀̎͑d̶̺̪̳͎̏̍́͛̀̿̐͂̒͠a̷̡̯̭̙̯͔̜̬̘̘͍̮̣͙̐͂͗͋̈̆͝͠g̶͕̮͈̝͂̒̓̄͛̇͜͠e̷̢̨̡̛͓̯̥̙̳͕͌̄̉̊̃̐̈̀͘͝ at you, saying nothing but quietly waiting.
"... I can't say anything profane, can I?"
God smiles, amused. "Twould' not be wise."
You sigh, shaking your head.
"For the sake of living, I will do what I must."
Jeez, even their fancy speech is starting to take you over, huh...
"So selfish- yet I suppose in my image, I cannot judge that, hmm?"
... Did God just admit he/she/they/it/is-it-possible-to-offend-god wasn't perfect?
"Hummunahummunahummunahummunahummuna-" You've engaged in the chants you figured this silly horse world would consider demonic, channeling your inner gremlin to get the cadence right with a proper phlegm. You were bored, had chores to do, and had other things that needed sorting- and what better a way than to simply make a demon do it, right? Ma' always said you'd go early, so why not play into that!
... Wait, was that an insult or something?
Doesn't matter- for now you have a goal!
Laziness! The ultimate goal of mankind!
"Hummunahummuna- eMroFserohCyMoDeMroFserohCyMoDeMroFserohCyMoD-" You chant the name of the demon you wish to summon, raising your hands to the heaven as the world in front of you seems to buckle. The little altar in front of you has it's hastily-scrawled pentagram start to glow an eerie red. In one moment, you realise you might've screwed up, as you feel your soul start to get picked at. Though weirdly, it almost feels like it's being sucked through a silly-straw. No, seriously, you can feel i-
"STOOOOOOP- D-do not fear, mortal, I am here to prevent you from making a mistake that could plummet this realm into pure chaos!"
... 'Do not fear, huh?' Well, guess it checks out if pony-demons are a thing-
In one moment, your window smashed in as a beautiful barely-blue pony totally-doesn't-crash into the floor in front of you. Her white mane a complete mess, and her halo crooked as she flipped over herself, and landed face-first into the floor. She briefly stands up, a brave look on her face as, bless her heart, she tries to act like she doesn't want to cry. Though those blue eyes say plenty. She raises a hoof, where the ring around it glows a beautiful golden glow, almost as if to drown out the sun itself... And everything unseen becomes seen. Oh, and her halo gets put back in place too.
And you see the spiritual silly-straw come into being. It's covered in pink-and-red hearts. The angel pony gives you a slow look, with deep concern on it, even as she sniffles some of the pain away. After a moment of pure judgement you had never felt before, she slaps it away, causing a silly sound as it vibrated in place. Your soul didn't seem to be through the entire thing yet, as it slips back into you from it.
You're pretty sure you hear cursing from the other side, and a 'I'll get you next time lazy ape thing! Foiled again!' before it slips back into the pentagram, and the entire thing combusts.
Oh yeah, you carved that into wood.
You and the angel-pony pause for a moment, quietly observing it burst into flames as if you both lack the braincells to process it. Which, granted, maybe you do.
... Gloooowy, yeeees... Caveman like fi-
Ope, the curtains are on fire. And the wallpaper. Oh, a support beam?
You both shriek and dive for them- smacking into each-other in the process, before in a tumble of trying-to-climb-over-each-other, you both start smacking the wall vigorously to try and put out the fire.
It only takes about half of your wallpaper as a sacrifice, and probably many pain receptors in your hands, but at least your house ends up mostly-okay.
Though the sniggering the entire time from the pentagram's ashes doesn't help.
"F... f-fear not, little po..." She suddenly seems to actually realise what you are, looking at you with a mix of fear and curiosity- Ironic- before letting out a small cough and continuing. "... Thing. I have vanquished the demon and returned your soul, not to mention saved all from the fire!"
The framed picture of your grandpa, one of the few things you had left in this world from home, begged otherwise.
"... Most things! What matters, at least, such as your home!"
... 6/10, it was a nice effort, at least.
"... Okay." You reply, simply.
A great awkwardness sets in as you, and the angel pony, proceed to stare at each-other. Not knowing what to do.
More sniggering abruptly comes from the ashes- some words coming from it you didn't hear, before her face went a bright red and she proceeded to kick the ashes. They all disintegrated into holy fire, or at least the parts that didn't get stuck in her coat and mane.
With a quiet blush, she turns around, seeming to fish something out of her long white mane- which was the most covered in the stray ashes- her fidgeting with it in front of her for just a moment. Her face seems entirely distracted by whatever the demon-pony had said.
She turns around, said object now showing itself to be a little hand(hoof?)book in her hoof, as she clears her throat and tries to speak clearly to you:
"A-attempted sinner, I have come today due to the call of a demon coming from your abode. In the interest of protecting your tribe's simple life and all who reside in it, I am required to inquire to what is so unfulfilled in your life, you felt the need to call upon something so heinous to f-fulfill it! W-was God's mercy to provide you this life not enough?"
It was very much a tries to speak clearly. She seems pretty new at this. The volume could use some work, definitely. Stuttering, too.
"I'm so embarrassed God knows how much of a failure I am-"
You give her a reassuring little pat, where she remains hidden under her mane, her face growing increasingly red. Faster, now, actually. Weird.
"... Dunno, I was bored, had lots of chores to do. Plus I'm lazy, and doing it alone every day sucks. Among other things."
She quietly seems to process this for a moment, her brain churning. Before, with a glow of that same bracelet from before, the pages start flipping wildly from her book and her eyes just as much. She seems to be referencing the entire damned book.
"... Is that not... the job of your monkey-wife, then? To do your chores and such?"
... Okay, an angel being very orthodox. That makes a bit too much sense.
"Only monkey of my kind here."
Her mind churns again, before she looks out the window. Seeming to see something in the far distance.
"... Would a zoo not suffice for your needs, the-"
"Thinking is not optional. I'm also not an animal, and despite how lazy I am, I am not living in a zoo."
Her muzzle seems to scrunch up as she processes this as well.
You raise an eyebrow at her.
"I can talk."
"All animals can, can they not?"
"With Fluttershy, maybe. And maybe you can too- but I have a house. And bits. And a job."
"... A sapient monkey, you don't say..."
Her head is now repeatedly slamming the table in front of God. You nervously laugh, trying to pull her back from it. Her hooves latch to it and she lets out a whine, continuing to bash her face into it.
"Flagellation. Some faithful see it as virtuous. She won't be harmed in my realm, let her have this..."
... Oh jeez. Or-er- Oh lor- Chri- DAMNIT-
God seems to chuckle at your expense.
After a long time to process, her face goes a little red again.
"... A lone, sapient monkey, who reached out to a demon for help? Are you truly that desperate without a wife?"
"Seemed like fun, and I was bored."
"Poor being was driven to madness being alone, oh me oh my..."
You watch her, mostly amused as she paces back and forth. Her mind seems to take a while to process most things. Which you'd judge, if your braincell count wasn't also one to struggle at times.
"... Praytell, h-how desperate are you? Th-those hearts, they could only mea-"
"I thought we were going to keep things light, hmm? Or do you wish to lay all your sins before me?"
"Hey, that's the story, don't blame me, it's what she brought up!"
A quiet, self-muffled-in-fluff scream comes from beside you as the poor angel mare loses it.
"... Perhaps we should skip that part?"
You give her a look of concern, moving a hand to stroke her back. She goes stiff, but stops the external screaming.
"Such desperation, and boredom, and a need for one to do chores for them! Truly deprived of what a healthy stallion needs!..."
You proceed to sip on some tea from the dining table, quietly nursing a red face from the argument you just had. You had a healthy lifestyle, damnit!
Even if it was a demon you'd have standards, and horses are not that standard!
"Ahem."
"I can't avoid all of it!"
"Continue, then. But I remind you again, I am here to observe all you say and do."
... Welp, you're much more screwed now.
The angel-pony continues to flick through her book wildly, more and more concern growing on her face. Even if her face was a little rosy from the earlier conversation, with how her muzzle scrunched up in effort trying to figure out what to do, it was... cute. And admirable, in a way.
She was determined, and apparently wasn't going to smite you for being lazy. You'd think 'sloth' would have you sent to hell or something, but it seemed to be working out.
Maybe 'the living have hope' or something. Or 'you will only be judged at death' or something. Or maybe 'pony-jesus died for our sins' is forward-thinking, too.
"Well, in fact-"
"SHUT UP AND LET ME TELL THE STORY WITHOUT INTERJECTING EVERY OTHER GODDAMN-" Your hand abruptly smacks to your face as you realise you just snapped at God.
... Of all things, you didn't expect him to look impressed and lean back, before quietly sipping on his drink some more, waving a hand at you to continue.
"H-hmm... well, if our goal here is to prevent you from summoning a demon into this realm to consume your life-force, and let you have a long life..." She hums to herself, her large, beautiful wings flapping out as she circles in the air, her head starting to work at it's maximum speed. Which still needed a moment.
"Chores, you said? Is it perhaps an overload of them that could lead to your desire for sloth? A-are the duties of life too much, being alone as you are?"
"... Let's go with that." You say with a nod. Totally not sweating inside as you're trying to slip one past a literal angel.
They say they can see all your secrets or something, right? Messengers of god, he who sees all?
Time to test how much is faith and how much is truth!
Or something like that-
Regardless, she perks up, seemingly emboldened by your passive agreement. Poor girl seems desperate to do good. You can't help but feel a liiiittle bit mean for taking advantage of her like this, but...
"I-is there anything in particular thine soul finds to be outrageous to expect to do alone?" In a sort of Luna-esque way, the more excited she gets, the more ye-olde her voice starts to sound...
"... Well, my wall was on fire, for one. Might need that fixed," You say, totally prepared to get called out for your bullshit.
"Th-the damage I was guilty for not containing..." She deflates the smallest bit, before pulling herself up with a sniff, acting tough for her charge.
"If this is what must be done to keep you from summoning a foul and wretched demon unto this world..." Abruptly, a thing of paint flies through your broken window from your shed, along with a paint-roller... "Then I shalt do as I must! Prepare thyself!"
She then proceeds to violently paint-roll the wall. Which was burnt not long ago. And had wallpaper on it. That was supposed to match the rest of the room.
... Bless her heart. But you're just inviting a mess, aren't you?
Despite that, her serious expression is met with a gentle glow from her halo, as if this was some grand act of good from her that meant the world. She seemed to literally glow as she seemed to find her purpose, hastily fixing your wall of the damage that'd been inflicted. Or, the visual parts.
Bless her heart-
"... Okay, okay, wait a minute-" You said, totally not feeling your heart sink as she stumbled during her work, that little pang of pain and sheen of water over her eyes appearing from the fear she'd messed up.
"... Let's start slowly here, yeah? Maybe... fix the fire damage, first? And clear the wallpaper if we're gonna paint it? Maybe fix the window you broke?"
The gears slowly turn in her head again.
"That would be... wise?" She asked rhetorically, a sheepish grin coming to her.
You sigh, slowly moving over to her side, gently guiding her down from her posture and giving the wall a look.
This was going to be a loooooong night...
-- One abrupt house-fixing montage later --
"A-aha! It is done! The work a demon would be required for, finished!"
You didn't have the heart to tell her that undoing the damage wasn't the same as doing the chores that you were sick of doing- but the way she glowed was still hard to ignore.
Bless her little- okay serious she's too cute.
Those big blue eyes, sparkling like that- hnnnn-
"Good work, there. You're a good helper," You give her mane a little tussle, and she seemed to hum happily, her tail wagging almost like a dog's.
She seemed more than elated, at this point.
"M-maybe I'll be able to rise a rank, now, I've been so low for so long..." She practically whispered, this look of happiness to her you can't describe.
It made it hurt all the more as your heart sank to your feet.
"I-uhm... that... wasn't all the chores that were holding me back-"
She seemed to both deflate and raise at once.
"S-surely an angel that completes their work would be well-regarded, huh?"
And with that, she seems to be elated again.
"A-a true angel never rests! Onwards, then! What chores need to be done, to vanquish your desires for a demon?!"
Oh sweet merciful Jesus your heart- That smile is infectious!
You just want to pinch her cheeks and just- Aaaaa!
The little wing-flaps, her happy eyes, the way her mane just bounces and her little pony smile- the way she wiggles with excitement and her tail seems to wag-
G-get ahold of yourself, Anon! Those aren't manly thoughts! Just pat the cute pone and consider that a victory!
You give her a righteous pat, for being cute, and that is all! Only what God himself would want from a good man!
'Squeeee'
A higher power is definitely needed to stop you from doing something unmanly.
"... O-okay, so... D-dinner was one. So was laundry. And doing some gardening before it got dark. And..."
You go down the list, and through the entire time she nods vigorously. Though some of her excitement dies down at the list, she seems all the determined to do her work.
Maybe not the brightest bulb among the angels- but damn, she could still light up a city with that energy...
God's smirking. You don't like that. That's suspicious.
He notices you noticing that he noticed you noticing.
"... Should we skip the tedium, then?"
"... Let's."
The angel-pony, still oblivious to how she'd been played, seemed to have risen from her tomb of embarrassment, to have a proud little smile for her work. And to rest her head against your side, looking a little tired. Overloaded herself, it seemed. All over the place, she is...
She hums happily from the kitchen, her coat dusted with the grime of the day. From dirt, to the earlier ashes, to plant smears, to literal dust- and she hardly seemed to care. You wouldn't expect that from an angel- in fact you might more expect them to be super-prissy about everything- but even with the offer of a shower she claimed that 'A good angel never rests until their work is complete!' and continued to work tirelessly to complete your chores. Oh also her face was red for some reason. Doesn't like taking kindness or something? She isn't just a slave or something...
You were pretty sure the work of an angel was never complete at that, but you weren't going to burst her happy little bubble.
"And here we are! A proper meal with dietary considerations!"
Placed before you was a plate. With a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich on it. And some bacon. The sandwich almost looked like it had cheese on it, too... And of course there was a carrot. Ponies, you swear.
You-uh... yeah, that wasn't an amazing meal. In fact, you're afraid of it. It looked cooked to perfection, yes, but the ingredients concerned you more. The taste was going to be... something.
Regardless, she seemed to glow, waiting for your opinion.
You... debated your life choices, as you quietly picked up a corner of it, taking a small bite...
It was... passable. A bit ew texture-wise, but passable. The cheese she used was, at least, pretty tasteless... just weird texture. Ugh.
Good thing bacon was there as a palette cleanser, afterwards- and carrots are nice?
Regardless, technically, it was well-filling, and was the last real chore to be done with...
... And the glowing Angel pony in front of you was still looking for an opinion.
The last opinion. Of the many clumsy-yet-technically-functioning methods she'd used today.
... Seriously, wasn't death supposed to have the scythe? She literally cleared your entire lawn manually-
"... It was good... er... Did I ever get your name?"
"Zophiel!" She chirped up immediately, her face going into a complete grin as she was told she had done well.
"It was... good, Zophiel. Very good." She'd practically happy-dance as she was told she was done, skipping around the kitchen counter, to your side.
"Well then- err...?"
"Anon."
"Anon! Well then, Anon, what else is there for me to do?"
... Nothing, really. Which was... sorta sad. Today was fun, honestly. In a way, having someone as innocent as her kept you grounded. Even if you were still taking advantage of her...
Hey, least' you weren't a degenerate. You could've done far worse, something irredeemable.
"... One last thing. Stand there."
Her muzzle stretched for a moment as she tried to figure out how 'stand there' was some important task compared to the rest, but nonetheless gave a salute, before standing there proudly, wings out, like a proper angel might.
"... Last chore. One I can't do alone. Boop a cute pony."
"... What? What is a-"
Your righteous finger raises with righteous fury, and you righteously boople her snootle.
In an instant- in a flurry of feathers and chaos, the angel pony rears up in shock to your actions. Yet you press forwards! Not allowing her snoot to go untarnished by the sins of man!
You had already taken advantage- now to truly take what you wanted!
A boop to last the ages- a man to defile a messenger of god themselves!
Her face went a bright red, and she proceeded to stare at you as if you had done something heinous- and well, the other parts were exaggerating, it was just a boop, right?
That held no special meaning! Right?
... Right?
"... C-cute? Boop?"
"... Yes. Thank you for today."
She gasped dramatically, before flopping over onto her side from her reared-up position, a hoof going over her temples for dramatic effect. Seeming to pass out from how horrible your action was.
... She was still in a sorry state, like that. Covered in your mess and now looking... tired. In fact- you really did run her ragged, eh?
... Now you feel bad. For spooking the poor pony.
Boops are for the evil only- how could you defile an angel in such a way?! Bad Anon, bad!
... Boop.
You just booped a passed out angel. You deserve whatever punishment you have coming.
Boop.
Later, though, for now this is funny. She giggles in her sleep, and squirms like a dreaming kitten. Pawsy-hooves, at that. Tryna grab your booper. All like 'stooooooop~'
Boop.
She's adorable. Oh jeez, she's adorable. Can you keep her?
Please?
Boop.
She let out a little squeak- aaaa-
Zoph proceeds to blush up a storm, hiding herself under a wing. "D-defiled in such a way, and during my sleep too..."
God seems mostly amused, still watching, sipping his drink. Clearly getting a kick out of the angel's innocence as much as you had. "And what next?"
You pick up the poor pony after having defiled her giggly-snoot far too much, cradling her in your arms as you make your way towards your bed. Gently laying her down on top of the sheets, you sigh. Gonna have to clean those tomorrow... more chores...
Maybe you should go ahead and summon a- wait, would that make her come back?
You perk up a bit at the idea. Before briefly considering if you only got one shot at an angel, and every other time they'd let the demon slurp you. Knowing your fate, and all...
Hmm...
You look over to the peacefully snoring angel pony, her letting out a gentle hum in her sleep, seeming to snuggle up closer to your pillow, burying her nose into the thing.
Again, can you just keep her? Or would she leave anyways cause greed is bad or something? Or would doing that make her a fallen angel?
You deeply consider all of this, clasping your hands in front of you and leaning into them. Very, very deep in thought.
Seriously though- other than vanquishing demons, she's a little... oblivious. You almost want to protect her in a way. It's hard to describe. She just has that... energy to her. Like she's perfect and you want to protect her.
Seriously, someone worse than you could've pulled something, and that bothers you.
... Damnit. You literally just met her, and you don't know the rules. Dumb things to be thinking about, let her rest-
Hell, she could even be coming off innocent just because they knew you don't fuck with authority! Unless it's all-powerful! Wait, no, they would've sent anyone then...
A fully-asleep and snoring angel pony proceeds to attack your back, dragging you down into the bed with her. Forcing you to be her big spoon through sheer effort of sleep-magicking bracelets.
... Damn the rules, you're keeping her-
"And then you woke up in my realm, correct?"
You pull a pokerface. "Maybe."
"... You fell asleep and then woke up here. That seems rather straightforward. No need to play games..."
You continue your pokerface. You're already doomed as you are.
"And one who never gives up... charming. Maybe I can resolve two prob- AHEM- So, Zophiel, you have yet to explain your position in all of this, truly... why would what he has done suffice to marry one of my own angels?"
Zophiel stutters wildly, but ultimately flattens her coat with a blush, trying to seem presentable in front of God to say her part. Despite her constant breakdowns throughout the story already damaging her perception to him plenty.
"W-well, for one he was quite bold to make such a move upon an angel!"
Your pokerface reaches the sturdiness of diamonds.
"And what kind of move was that?"
"Y-you heard it! He called me cute and then did a thing only he could, with his graspers! A... boop, he called it? That name is clearly not pure- he made an action upon me! A-as defiled as I am, I believe accepting it would be the only true path in this instance- to allow it to become a benefit to the heavens instead of corrupting another angel!" She rambles on, desperately trying to make her point.
God seems to almost snort, coughing as some of his drink goes down the wrong p̷̮̉̀̈́̀̇̆ȉ̸̗̬̮̼̬͋̽̾͊̊̕̕͝͝p̸͎͙̬͙̳̞̺̗̑̓̀̃ȩ̴͍̥͕̮̮̼̾̈́͂͝ͅ. "A-and whatelse?"
"... What do you mean, whatelse?"
"Well, you did say 'for one', did you not?"
The gears in her head turn again, and she tries to process this. And come up with something, to not embarrass herself in front of God anymore than she had already.
"... H-he is alone! To let his line die out would be such a sin, he clearly is a good soul, although misguided and needing to be treated of some sin! A-allow an angel to watch over him, as we are compatible with all, and I am sure he will the progenitor of a great line of faithful! N-not to mention my tireless form would mean h-his propensity to attract degenerate demons would not matter at all!"
... Wait what. Okay, firstly, tireless, no, you passed out after doing chores and getting booped sweetheart. Secondly- what is she implying?
"... You need not worry, they would be pure ponies. Alicorns, in fact. Every spring would truly be a blessing, you'd be doing the world a service." God piped up.
Why does God sound weirdly okay with this. Even moreso- why does he look like he's relieved. Or, perhaps more accurately- like he's dealt with some problem?
Did- did God just pimp out an angel to you?!
Even moreso- is he just trying to get rid of one he sees as useless?!
"A-allow me to do this task, and I promise to turn him to the righteous path!"
"Zoph how about we slow down a moment here and think about this-"
"I need not dwell on thoughts again! I take so long to think in front of the lord, it's embarrassing... I-I know this is the only true path!"
God seems moments away from laughing. "N-never doubt an angel's determination, dear monkey. Never doubt it."
"... What just happ-"
"Well, you wanted her to stay, didn't you? And now your issue is resolved- a wife to assist you with your daily tasks? All I ask is you treat the springs well with her, do your duty as a husband, is all~"
That look on his face. That's the look of a god that would ask someone to sacrifice their kid to them for shits and giggles, before pulling back last moment like 'it's a prank bro.'
... Alicorn kids, he said. Oh God no-
"What."
"D-does that mean you're-"
"Yes, Zophiel. Though I won't do the proceeding myself- a priest will still be required to officiate. Consider this my... blessing, for you to begin romancing him. As a true faithful would, to claim his heart and his love~ We will not force the heavens upon him, simply guide him down the correct path."
"... What."
"I will not force anything, as I said. It it up to you, to demonstrate your determination as an angel, and to bring his doubts to bear. Bring him to the holy path, just as you said."
Zophiel proceeded to bow down, practically kissing the floor as she nodded vigorously. "I-I will not let you down!"
...
"W-wait a minute here-"
Cute angel wife, get?
What the absolute fu-