I knew I was going to learn things, being a substitute teacher. I had no illusions about the fact that I still had much to learn about the world, having rarely left Equestria, and having spent most of my life benefiting at least on some level from the opulence of Canterlot. What I did not expect, however, was to learn exactly how much I had to teach these kids. I thought I was going to just barrel through some pre-made lesson plans, maybe have a wacky friendship adventure, and most undoubtedly infuriate a national hero or two. I was surprised how much of myself, and my life experiences, I could teach these bright-eyed youths.
“Kid you really don’t wanna put that in your mouth unless you’re not entirely attached to the idea of having one.”
“No, Gallus, you can’t come out of the corner yet.”
“DO NOT. READ. THE LATIN. Carved INTO the skeleton. OUT LOUD.”
“No, Gallus, the Princess does not float everywhere, although I can see where you’d get the idea.”
“I really wouldn’t try and overlap Starswirl’s Temporal Tampering and Clover the Clever’s Clockfixer Enchantment just to make lunch last longer. It might work, but there’s a distinct possibility it won’t UN-work.”
“No, Gallus, the painting doesn’t UN-tilt. Ask Princess Twilight. No, seriously, go ask her. I want to watch.”
“”Enochian actually sounds more like cloister bells and bone grinding if both have vocal chords. Go ahead, ask me how I know.”
“No, Gallus, birds can’t have fleas. And no, asking a griffin isn’t a better idea.”
So my second full day on the job was going great. I knew it would be a different story with Princess Twilight out of the room, but apparently my idea of sharing the secret about my special talent had worked too well to endear myself to the student. They seemed to see me as less of a teacher and more of just ‘some dude who’s here while Pinkie Pie isn’t. Although a large part of that might be holdover from their relationship with Pinkie herself.
The bell had just rung for lunch and my class was emptying out. After a minute or so, however, I noticed a small-ish presence in the room. In fact, I might not have noticed her at all until she said something if not for all the time I inadvertently spend with Fluttershy via Discord. Apparently she and Derpy were good friends, and enjoyed the idea of ‘double dating’. I didn’t have a problem with it, but Discord seemed to have two settings: Fluttershy, and the entire rest of the world. The dial didn’t really like being set in-between.
However, all that time had gotten me used to somepony who had a habit of being almost deathly quiet even when they were trying to get someone’s attention. So after about a second of what I first thought was an empty classroom, I noticed there was someone on the other side of the cream cheese and cucumber sandwich I was about to do awful things to with my teeth.
“Hello, Ocellus.”
“Hi, Mr. Freude, um…”
“Schadenfreude, actually. It’s one word. My last name is… best not repeated by children. Freude is actually a separate pony altogether. Most everyone calls me Schaden.”
“Oh! Ok… then…” she said apprehensively. Yeah, you try explaining what Douchehorse means to a bunch of extremely talkative children in a small town. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“Go right ahead.”
“You’ve… worked with changelings before, correct?”
I paused for a moment, as questions like this are usually landmines. Coming from an adult, it would usually follow a long and irritable explanation of whatever I just did wrong. Coming from a kid, let alone the only changeling in the entire town, it could mean a bunch of things. “Not extensively, although I’ve had occasion to speak with their delegates at length.”
She nodded with a smile. “That’s actually what I wanted to ask you about. I understand the changeling delegation has an office and quarters in Canterlot. I was kind of wondering how they’re doing. I don’t really know them personally, but I know our transition here hasn’t been… easy. Even though it’s been a few years.”
I felt a little bad for this shiny blue student of mine. Equestria didn’t exactly have a great foundation of dealing with other species properly. I mean, our entire foundation story and holiday is based around us learning to put up with each other. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be a changeling or yak or griffin living here.
What I did know, however, was the delegation she was talking about. Extensively. “Oh yes. I know the changeling diplomats you’re referring to. I may or may not have spent a few ill-advised weekends at their embassy. Ill-advised as in adults doing things they would absolutely tell a kid not to do,” I elaborated, seeing the hesitation on her face. “While we aren’t good friends the way you and your classmates are, I do have a good rapport with them. To more directly answer your question, I’ve been told that it has gotten a lot easier for them over the last couple of years. The work Twilight and her friends are doing spreading the word of ‘Friendship’ across the world has made a dramatic difference. Not to mention the efforts of a one King Thorax. Who, before you ask, I’ve only ever met once.”
“That’s good,” she said. Well, more sighed in relief. “As much as I love it here at school, and in Equestria, there are still some ponies who… aren’t particularly welcoming.”
It was my turn to sigh. “Kid, you’re gonna run into that no matter where you go. While I’m not the best person to refer to for the common experience of ponies everywhere, I can tell you even the most average, kind, and respectful ponies will always have someone somewhere who doesn’t like them. While having so many different creatures mulling about and interacting with each other is absolutely a good thing, it comes with a wide spectrum of individuals, not all of whom are comfortable with everyone and everything.”
“I know,” she said sadly. “It’s getting better, but I do wish it would happen faster.”
“Agreed,” I replied with a dry smile. “Now, I do have a few questions for you, if I may?”
Again with the apprehensive look. “I… guess?”
“To be frank, I’m kind of surprised you spoke to me so readily. I know you had a few questions at my introduction, and my first class, but you seem to be, if you don’t mind me saying so, mostly a quiet person.”
“Well,” she said sheepishly. “You were the first teacher I’ve had that didn’t do a double take when they saw there was a changeling in their class. Besides, I asked Miss Fluttershy and some other teachers about you, and they said that, while you could be annoying, you were basically harmless. Miss Flutter even said you had a very polite streak in you.”
“Well, her perception of me might be a bit skewed by context, but I’d like to think that they’re mostly correct. I do have a reputation for being an absolute… how did the ambassador say it… chink in the chitin?” To which she responded by dissolving into a fit of very quiet giggles. “But like I mentioned yesterday, and a little this morning, I’ve spent most of my life learning how to balance my more irritating impulses with the wants and needs of people around me. Although, if I might backtrack a bit, I believe I heard you were the only changeling in Ponyville, right?”
Ocellus shrugged lightly. “Kind of? I commute from the hive to here on weekends, and spend the weekdays with a nice pair of mares in town. Why?”
“Well, given your apparent success here, I just thought King Thorax would be inclined to allow more changelings your age to attend.”
“Well… I wouldn’t call it a rousing success. There’ve been a lot of… adventures? Along the way.”
I felt a knot forming in the back of my neck whenever someone used that word. “I’m starting to thing ‘adventure’ is the local dialect for ‘absolute barn fire of a situation’.”
She gave me the same dry stare I could feel myself settling into. “You have no idea.”
--------------------
Having ended up spending my whole lunch talking to Ocellus, finishing my first day of classes with… less actual fire than I had been expecting, I had finally trotted back to the faculty lounge. Well, limped. My rear right leg still burned a little, and the icepack duct taped to it had started to melt and shift. I wasn’t the first pony there today, I noticed, my gaze rolling over our esteemed Headmare Starlight Glimmer as I made my way to my seat. Dropping a day’s worth of paper and fire suppressants onto my desk, she gave me a wry smile. “Already got to the ‘kids like things that go fwoosh’ stage, huh?”
“Are you kidding? I live in a building filled to the rafters with Royal Guards for a reason. Adults like things that go ‘fwoosh’. So, I assume you’re not here to ask me to get absolutely ruined on Zap Cider after work,” I mused.
“As much of an absolutely perfect idea as that sounds in the middle of the week, pass,” she drolled. “I just dropped in to check on you. Twilight might be the reason you’re here, but besides her position as a Princess, I am technically your boss. Honorary Archeomancer notwithstanding. So, incidentally, I do need to drop by and make sure that, at the very least, you’re putting out the fires you start.”
“On that note, actually, can you please make it a point in the curriculum to teach these kids basic high school chemistry and physics?” I groaned, shoving the fire blankets I’d dragged in under the desk I was borrowing.
She looked slightly alarmed. “Why in the flying buck would I teach a bunch of hormone-driven teenagers chemistry?”
“One, they are distinctly more cautious and attentive than I feel like that sentence gives them credit for. Two, yes, that is a rather alarming idea by itself, if only because I remember my own high school experiences. And three, so that, should the occasion arise, they know for future reference not to light a spark in the middle of a cloud of chalk dust,” I grunted. I took out another strip of tape to support my failing and very amateurish first aid.
Starlight’s eyes went wide as she noticed my leg. “They didn’t-”
“-set off a small thermobaric explosion in class? Yes, yes they did. Which, after we got both my leg and the chalkboard put out, led me to explain to a group of teenagers exactly what a fuel air explosive is. Let me tell you, that dragon kid, Smolder? Wayyyy happier about that knowledge than I think she should be,” I groaned, resting my head on my desk.
Starlight flinched a little. “Ok, so literally trial by fire day. Well, you’re still alive. Which is at the very least a passing grade. Oh! Speaking of Smolder…” she trailed off.
I lifted my head just enough to see a small orange dragon over the stack of papers in front of me. She, at least, had the common courtesy to look apologetic. Which was a leap in the right direction from “DO THAT AGAIN” half an hour ago. “Uh… Mister Schaden?”
I gave Glimmer a sideways glance, to which she responded with a look that said ‘You’re the adult here’. I’ll be honest, I should have just run away then. “Yes, Smolder?”
“I’m… uh… I’m sorry I lit your legs on fire. And the classroom. And then cheered about it,” she added, seeing my expression.
‘This must be what it feels like to be Celestia whenever somepony comes crawling to her. I caught myself thinking. I made myself sit up straighter and clear the distressing look off my face. “Well, thank you for that. I trust you’ve learned a valuable lesson today about, and I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud stars help me, laughing at someone else’s pain?”
I didn’t even need to look sideways to know Starlight was suppressing a laugh. She wasn’t doing a very good job. Smolder, however, did look genuinely apologetic. “Yes. It’s only funny if it doesn’t actually hurt someone.”
“Good. Now, what else did we learn today?”
“Ignition isn’t just about material composition. Anything with a small enough surface area gathered in large enough quantities is sufficiently dangerous when exposed to an open flame. Also, grain silos are terrifying,” she added.
“Excellent. And finally?”
“...don’t suggest a frozen steak as an ice pack in a room full of herbivores.”