Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06


The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

You haven't gotten a letter from me in a while because I've been seething from what you did to us at the Gala. I spent the next two days doing nothing but sitting in the bathroom, you tyrant! How the hell do you stay in power? You're all nice and gentle on the outside, but I know your true colors. If that letter of yours hadn't self-burned after I finished reading it, I'd have the proof I need to show Equestria who you really are. Leaving your school was the best thing I ever did. So why do I keep writing these damn letters?

To prove, week after week, that I do not need you or your lessons. And really, you wanted revenge on me for all those letters? You know what the cause of those letters was? You sent me down here in the first place! I also love how you acted all nice in the ice cream shop as we were eating those laxative-strewn sundaes, you bitch. It was so touching how you claimed you knew we'd 'liven things up a bit'. You pulled it off beautifully, because none of my stupid friends are seeing through this charade!

And DON'T tell me that I just imagined that Gala letter of yours just because I tried some acid from Pinkie ONE TIME. Don't you dare do it. I know what happened! Do you honestly expect me to believe that disaster of a Gala was just some string of hilariously unfortunate events? That the hours upon hours of sitting on the toilet wasn't because of 'laxative', but because of Pony Joe's 'lax quality control issues'? Just because I asked Pinkie for something extra because I really wanted to enjoy myself doesn't mean you didn't purposefully make us all miserable. Yes, one of the side-effects was extreme hallucination, but nowhere on that bottle did it say taking things WAY out of context and getting imaginary letters were side effects too.

So that means STOP sending me letters suggesting that Pinkie and I get help. Just stop!

That's okay, though. If you can keep this namby-pamby pony princess gig up, then I can keep this 'friendship student' thing going too. But first, I want to have a little fun. You could call it retribution for what you did to us at the Gala. And I can do self-burning letter spells too, so good luck proving I was behind this.

Because the thing is, Celestia, my disposition aside, I was your brightest pupil, your 'most faithful student', at one point. So you of all ponies know I can do my research. I know who ruled Equestria before you and Luna. He seems like such an upbeat guy who knows how to be delightfully random. So if you kept him in the castle garden in stone form just because you believe in 'keeping your friends close and enemies closer', I'm gonna make you regret that. If Harmony turned him to stone, then chaos should soften him up a bit. Turns out I have three separate ingredients that, when combined, become one of the most glorious forms of chaos ever known to ponykind.

I call them Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo.

Miss Cheerilee seemed so enthused by my suggestion of a field trip to the Canterlot Gardens. So much history could be learned there. History could also be made there. Let's see if my theory proves true.

Success! Not even two hours after the field trip ended, I saw approaching pink clouds, which began to rain chocolate milk down on Sweet Apple Acres. That's gotta be better for the soil and crops than water, right? I mean, it made Applejack's corn pop faster than anything I've ever seen before. It's also good for the animals! It accelerated their leg growth! And Rainbow mentioned soda showers over Cloudsdale. So far, so good!

But of course, here comes the distressed Princess Celestia asking for our help. Clearly, my friends still believed that you had nothing to do with our misfortunes at the Gala, because they were ready to help. Well, except Pinkie. She was perfectly willing to live with chocolate showers from now on. But apparently Applejack doesn't like her crops harvesting by themselves, or her apples growing to be about as big as her older brother's nuts. Of course Fluttershy wants to return the animals to their helpless short-legged forms so her life can have meaning again. Rainbow doesn't want the clouds to have minds of their own, because then she's out of a job. Rarity doesn't want to wear that hideous rain gear forever now, does she? Seems Pinkie and I are the only ones that can live in chaos.

So after this Discord guy did his monologue for a few, we all set off to find the Elements of Harmony in the castle labyrinth. I figured this was the perfect way to keep things as they are, because my friends can't find their way out a paper bag. Then the chaos master himself shows up, and decides to toy with us by taking away our horns and wings, and in the case of Pinkie and Applejack...um...uh...

Yeah, have to get back to you on that.

After he explained the rules, Disccord vanished. I figured he had trouble to brew somewhere out in space. I mean, there's gotta be someone out there he can annoy, right? So we set hoof into the maze, and got immediately separated. Turns out Discord didn't go anywhere. His plan had been set in motion. I knew he would make my friends' lives better. Applejack can now tell really convincing lies. Rarity is now considering the beauty of things that aren't so fucking shiny and glittery all the time. Pinkie doesn't tolerate laughing at her addiction to drugs and partying. Fluttershy is standing up for herself and talking back now. And Rainbow...

...well, come to think of it, Rainbow's still a cheating bitch who cares only about herself. Don't know what went wrong there.

This is going to be a beautiful, new Equestria. I call it Equestria 3: Revenge of Chaos. Wait, no, that sounds too dark. Return of Chaos, yeah, that's better.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle