//------------------------------// // Twilight Sparkle // Story: A Pony Walks Into A Bar... // by chief maximus //------------------------------// Twilight Sparkle Ah, my favorite night of the week! Friday night, and our 'two bit' drink special! It really brings in the crowd, and there's nothing like a busy night to make the time fly by. The night started out strong, nearly every seat had a tail in it. I had maybe three open seats at the bar, and they'd be gone soon enough. I was wiping my favorite bar glass when another newcomer strolled in. A purple unicorn that I recognized from the newspaper. This one was supposedly the student of the princess herself! Though what a scholarly type like her would need with a bar like mine was beyond me. There was one seat left at the bar when she came in. As soon as she walked through the door, she looked a bit lost. She wandered towards the last seat and clambered up, after I waved her over. "Welcome to the Horn and Wings, Miss Sparkle." She returned my smile. "Thanks I, wait, how'd you know my name?" Looked like somepony didn't realize how famous saving the kingdom made them! "Being the personal student of Princess Celestia gives you a bit of notoriety." I was already wiping my usual glass with my cleaning cloth. Idle hooves are Discord's playthings, or however that saying goes. "So, what can I get you?" She laughed. "Oh no, I won't be consuming any ethanol, thank you." She nearly had an air of superiority about her when she said it, which led me to question what she was doing in a bar in the first place. "Then what brings you here? I mean, there isn't much to do here besides drink." Her expression soured a bit. Many ponies don't generally head to a bar just to... hang out. "My assistant locked me out of my house." I found that a bit odd. Locksmiths didn't really get a lot of service from unicorns, mainly because a simple spell could unlock a door if they forgot their keys in their house. Of course, magic locks could resist such spells, but I digress. "So, why not just use some good old fashioned magic?" I asked. I've forgot my keys in my house after locking the door on more than one occasion. "He insisted I get out of the house. He said I spent too much time at home, and not enough out... socializing." She finished her sentence as though she thought the last word was poisoned. "The only reason I'm here is because... he has a point. It's been weeks since I've had a weekend away from the library." Another shy type. Well, if her pal Fluttershy could work up the stones to hang out here, there's no reason the leader of the Elements of Harmony couldn't too. "Tell you what, your first drink is on me." That seemed to brighten her mood a bit. I have to admit, she had a pretty cute smile. She reminded me of my daughter. She was still studying at Canterlot University, and I could certainly relate to Twilight's assistant wanting her to get out of the house. I try to tell my daughter that when she calls. I mean, I couldn't care less whether or not my little girl meets a nice pony. If she's happy by herself, then that's what I want for her. My wife, however, isn't as subtle. She wants grandfoals, and has left no doubts about it. "I'll have a Dr. Salt, please." "Comin' up." I went below the bar to get a soda out of the fridge. Usually these accompanied rum, but there was no law saying you had to drink alcohol at a bar. I'd be a lot wealthier if there was. Anyway, I poured her soda and she seemed content to sip on it. I knew her type; I almost expected her to begin taking notes on my patrons! "Anything else I can get for you?" I asked. She seemed hesitant. I'd noticed her glancing around the bar at the different ponies talking, carrying on, and generally having a good time. This was a pub, after all. She almost looked... confused by it. "Everypony seems to be having a great time," she commented. "Did all these ponies come in together?" I guess she really didn't get out much. "Well, some did. Some are here like clockwork every Friday," I replied. "Some just come here to loosen up and maybe meet a few new faces." She raised her eyebrows before focusing on the fizzy drink in her glass. "That's kind of what I came to do, but it's a lot easier for me to be social when my friends are with me," she lamented, taking another swig of her Dr. Salt. Okay, I know booze isn't some cure-all for social anxiety disorders, but let's just say that I think I know when a nip or two of the good stuff could stand to do a pony some good. A quality bartender stays comfortable, but not familiar. You could come to the same bar a thousand times and see the same bartender and never feel any closer to him or her by closing time. That 'close aloofness' as I call it, was key to maintaining my customer base and generally kept me from getting too involved. Just the way I liked it. This mare, however, reminded me so much of my daughter that I just hated seeing her looking so down on herself. With that in mind, I put on my salespony hat. "Well, they have been benefiting from a bit of social lubricant, you know." She raised an eyebrow. "L-lubricant?" "Alcohol, dear." No need for her to get the wrong idea. "Oh!" She blushed. Better see if she'd like a cider. After all, nearly everypony in town has had cider at least once. "How about a nice mug of cider?" I offered. "Not too much alcohol in that, I promise." "Well, I have had cider before... I suppose one glass wouldn't hurt." Another satisfied customer! Or, so I'd hoped. I floated a cold mug out of the fridge and filled it at the tap. A perfect pour, if I do say so myself. When you've been doing this for as long as I have, anything less is unacceptable. I slid it across the bar and she took it in her magic. After a few shallow sips, I noticed her shoulders ease back as she relaxed in her chair. This mare was mighty tense; no wonder her assistant made her take some time for herself. "How is it?" I asked. "Good, thanks." She smiled. I'd been neglecting my other patrons for a bit too long, a fact Vinyl was quick to remind me of. I've never seen a mare drink so many vodka and Red Ponies before or since. Must be a DJ thing. Anyway, by the time I got back to Twilight's end of the bar, she'd made short work of the cider. Not that I could blame her. It was the easiest thing to drink we had behind the bar. A foal could probably manage one without feeling ill. "So, ready for another?" I asked. I could tell she'd finally loosened up a bit, but I wasn't exactly prepared for her next request. "Yes. What do you have in an aged scotch?" Well, I was prepared, just not expecting it. From cider to scotch? Quite the transition, but who was I to question the will of those who fund my bar? "Sure thing, miss. We've got twelve, sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one, and twenty-five." "I'll start with your twelve." She slid the empty soda and cider glass towards me. "Cider to scotch: that's quite a leap," I commented, retrieving the Marecallan single malt from the middle shelf. "I studied up on the process of scotch making and found it very interesting," she explained. I slid her a small portion in a glass. She took a sip and hissed, as though she'd just bit into a hot pepper. All the studying in the world can't compare to actually tasting a well-aged scotch. "Just as I'd read," she said once she had regained her breath. "Oaky, but with a smooth finish after the initial bite of ethanol." "Uh... sure. So a glass of that, then?" "Please." I retrieved the rocks from the fridge and set them in her glass. When I say rocks, I don't mean ice cubes, I mean actual rocks. Ice eventually turns into water, which spoils the flavor of the scotch. Cold (clean) rocks, however, keep the drink at a nice temperature while maintaining the integrity of the flavors. If there's one liquor I know about, it's scotch. I poured her a glass and resumed wiping my cleaning glass as she took another sip. She'd better be careful or she'd find herself on the floor. "So, about why you came in the first place..." "Oh, yes." She sighed. "Would you believe I was sent here from Canterlot to make friends?" Now was not the time for honesty. "I would have never guessed." She chuckled, a bit of redness beginning to hang around her cheeks. "Well, it's true. I made five close ones then stopped." "C'mon, you're telling me a mare like yourself only knows five ponies in this whole town?" The pony next to her stood from his seat, freeing it up as a magenta mare I knew as the town school teacher walked in. She was a semi-regular. She usually only showed up after a particularly stressful parent-teacher conference, or after having graded twenty-six essays on the same topic. Earth pony and pegasus writing can be somewhat difficult to read since they have to write with their mouths and all. You'd think somepony would have invented an easier way by now. "Well, I have acquaintances, but nopony I'd really call a close friend except the other Elements of Harmony." Cheerilee took the seat next to Twilight before realizing who she was next to. "Twilight! I never figured you to be the type to be socia—I mean, at a bar!" That was quite the save, Ms. Cheerilee. A smile crossed Twilight's face for the first time since she'd come in. Looks like she knew more ponies than she was letting on. "Well, Spike kind of locked me out of the library unless I went out and had fun, so, here I am," she joked as Cheerilee set a few bits in my direction. "A grey duck martini, please. Extra dry." "Extra dry, eh?" I said. I'll bet she'd just gotten done with a particularly stressful day at the schoolhouse. "What's the occasion?" "A conference with Diamond Tiara's parents. They just can't accept that their daughter is a bully," she moaned as Twilight took another sip of her scotch. "I've been told about her," Twilight remarked as I mixed Cheerilee's drink in the tumbler. "I had a bully like that once. I hope she broke her leg." I couldn't help but grin. Alcohol lowers one's inhibitions, and it seemed like Ms. Twilight's were now firmly in a downward spiral. "Ugh, I know. It's never the foal's fault anymore, is it?" Cheerilee lamented as I slid her her drink. "Thanks, Frosty. It's been a long one." "That's what I'm here for. I'll be right back, enjoy your drinks, ladies." I did have other customers, after all. I slid down to the other end of the bar to check on the stallions playing darts and to refill Vinyl's sixth vodka cranberry. Call it a hunch, but she always seemed to hang around the cello player that used to play at our coffee nights. I think somepony was too cool to admit her crush, but I could be wrong. By the time I'd circled back around to Twilight and Cheerilee, they were making quite the raucous. The timid, nervous mare that had come in and ordered soda was now laughing boisterously with the town teacher at some of her students' goofs. Perhaps not particularly becoming of a shaper of young minds, but ponies have to blow off steam somewhere—might as well be a place where your students won't overhear you, right? Besides, everypony likes to talk about other ponies behind their backs. It's pony nature. "Frosty! Another scotch please!" Twilight called. She was getting a little drunk now, but I supposed one more couldn't hurt her. She wasn't falling all over herself, and her eyes were still in focus. I poured her another Marecallans and replaced her rocks as Cheerilee ordered another martini. It was another good night to be a bartender. For all the problems that may or may not be caused by alcohol, seeing ponies happy and having fun was half the reason I got into this business. "So then I said, wyrm, I barely know him!" I must have walked in on the last part of that joke, but Twilight thought it was hilarious. She followed up with a joke about sub-atomic particles that had Cheerilee in stitches. I must not have been smart enough to get them. As the night wore on, the bar began to empty. Even though last call was at two-thirty, we rarely stayed open past one. Ponyville is a small town, and most ponies don't like to stay out too late. Either that, or they get their drinking in early. Soon enough, Twilight and Cheerilee were the only ones sitting at the bar as I chatted with them. Cheerilee was buzzed, but Twilight was smashed. Looked like I'd be calling a cab tonight. "I... did I ever tell you guys... how I..." She paused to let out a particularly large hiccup. Honestly, it was kind of cute. "I beat Discord? Because I so did. I sealed that... that bastard back in stone so hard. Well... we did, but if it wasn't for me, we'd all be drinking chocolate milk from the sky right now!" Twilight slumped back in her chair. "Then the Princess let him out again..." Cheerilee and I smiled at each other. It looked like it was about past Twilight's bedtime. "I seem to recall reading something about that in the Ponyville Gazette," I replied "You bet your flank you did!" she giggled. "You know what I think?" Cheerilee asked as Twilight threw back the rest of her scotch, inhaling sharply as she did. "What?" "I think you're drunk." Twilight scoffed. Only when you're drunk do you not think you're drunk. "I'm not drunk, you're drunk!" "Sorry, Twilight, I think she's right," I added. All the chairs were up on the tables, and the waitresses were mopping the floors. It was time to send these lovely mares back to their beds. "Hey, you... you don't know me! I once knew a guy... you look like him..." With that, she rested her head gently on the bar and attempted to sleep. Honestly, that's not the first time that's happened. Cheerilee paid Twilight's tab and nudged her awake. "Twilight, you can't sleep at the bar." She grunted awake, rubbing her eyes with a hoof. "Right... I knew that, I was just resting my eyes," she claimed. "I'll just teleport myself back to the library. Oh, I'll make Spike make me something to eat! I'm... I'm so hungry..." "Easy there, miss. You don't want to get a CUI (That's casting under the influence for all you non-unicorns)." Twilight sighed. "You're right. I guess... I guess I can walk home..." I glanced knowingly at Cheerilee, who nodded to me in return. "How about I walk you home. We can stop at a hay stand on the way so you won't have to wake up Spike." Twilight gasped. "You... you'd do that? Cheerilee... I think I love you." We all shared a laugh. Booze can certainly send you from one extreme emotion to the next fairly quickly. Thankfully, we don't get many angry drunks in here. "Well, you two ladies have a good night," I said, preparing to count the money in the register for the evening. "Oh... before I go..." Twilight stammered, looking back towards me, the infamous 'I'm drunk' blush most ponies get thick on their face. "You were right! I had fun tonight!" Ah, words like that—sober or otherwise—made this job worth it. "I'm glad, dear. Now get some food and then get to sleep. Something tells me you may not be so quick to sing my praises tomorrow morning." She laughed. "You haven't seen the last of me!" With that, Cheerilee helped Twilight out of the bar. I locked the door behind them and let the rest of the staff out the back before calling it a night. A good Friday, as usual. So, now I've only got one more Element of Harmony to mention, and oddly enough, I actually knew she had something to do with them—I just wasn't sure what. Pinks was many things: a pool shark, a dart hustler, and above all else, one of my best customers.