//------------------------------//
// -and the Breakthrough 
// Story: All Smoke, No Mirrors 
// by Jinzou 
//------------------------------//

"I don't have any problem with you getting help." Script tossed over his shoulder, working on lunch. "Why don't we discuss this with Goldie?"

My heart plummeted in my chest. I definitely didn't want to discuss it with her. Anybody but her.

"I mean, we two could go together. We don't have to go to her. You're an adult too." I argued.

Script laughed and shook his head. "I don't make the plans. I just go through with them."

"So you do whatever Golden asks you to?" I challenged.

"Pretty much." Script shrugged.

"If she asked you to go to the depth of Tartarus and back, would you do it?"

"Yes. I would do that for any member of my family, which includes you now."

Words failed me as my eyes shot open.

"But if you or Noi asked me to go to Tartarus I'd have to run it by her first." Script smiled playfully.

Speaking of the devil, the front door swung open, and in bounced Noi.

"Hey Dad and Sunny! DT came by to play! Gonna go tell Mom!" Noi greeted cheerfully, before pausing and walking right up to me.

Everyone was quiet as Noi silently studied my face for a few seconds. 

"Your eyes are red." Noi noted. "Were you crying?"

Very tactful.

"Uh…" I stalled. "No. I was straining to try and do magic. That happens to kirin when they try and don't succeed."

Noi's smile returned. "Cool! Be right back."

As she pranced off I caught sight of a familiar-looking filly behind her.

Ah, DT stands for Diamond Tiara. 

"Uh, hi again." Diamond greeted with a sheepish smile. "Noi says good things about you."

"You're friends with Noi?" I couldn't keep the incredulous tone out of my voice.

Diamond's gaze met the floor. "She's one of the first ones who forgave me after… uh… I stopped being a bully. Even after how much of a jerk I was to her."

I could feel the hair on the sides of my neck bristling.

"I don't care for bullies." I spat, taking a large step forward. "Especially ones that have come after my family."

Diamond stepped back, her eyes darting around quickly for an escape.

"I apologized, and she accepted. I've really tried being better!" Diamond responded with another sheepish smile and a quick chuckle. 

"What are you doing?" Sunny cut in. "I don't think Noi would bring her if she was still a bully."

I closed my eyes and let out a slow breath.

"Fine." I managed. "But I won't pretend I trust you. I'll have my eyes on you."

I guess I was making a lot of compromises today.





"So if there's two of you, does that mean you're twice as smart?" Diamond cocked her head to the side.

"No." Sunny giggled. "It's not like two brains in one, it's like if you and Noi fused bodies."

As soon as Noi returned from Golden's room, she started eagerly telling Diamond Tiara how Sunny actually was two different kirin, sputtering a lot of assumptions and poorly understood magical knowledge at her. Of course, that started up a game of 20 Questions between the four of us.

Surprisingly, Sunny decided to take the reins in answering them, and watching her enthusiasm in hanging out with kids her age, well… not to sound too much like an old lady, but it warmed my heart. It didn't occur to me until now that outside of Noi, most everyone she's interacted with since I came on the scene was way older. And I had usually been the one interacting with Noi.

"So… what do you look like in your other form?" Diamond's ears perked up. "Can you do it at will?"

"Well, um…" Sunny shifted, trying to make herself smaller. "I can do what Smoky calls 'turning on the fireworks'. It's more of a small show-y thing than actually going nirik, and easier to control, but…"

"Hey." I whispered. "The nirik transformation is a safety mechanism. It's not you being a monster. Besides, if it's small, and you want to get over your fear, that sounds like a good step. I'll be here if you need me to take over."

"I… don't…" Sunny stammered mentally. "A-anything happens, you take over?"

"And there are two adults less than a minute away. You're safe. We're all safe. You got this, little warrior."

I felt a tiny wave of warmth, and heard Sunny taking slow deep breaths. She gave herself a small smile, then sniffed the air.

"I smell prey." Sunny growled, lowering her tone.

"Wh-" Noi began.

"I crave PREY!" Sunny shouted, leaping to an attack position as her voice took on a sudden, almost demonic double tone. 

And suddenly, our vision was much clearer. I took special notice of Noi and Diamond's pupils dilating. The muscles under their fur moving as they both threw themselves backwards in unison. The two distinct shouts of surprise, followed closely by the small cry of distress coming from Sunny as soon as the moment ended.

"Oh my gosh!" Sunny sputtered. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! That's what Smo-"

"That was so cool!" Diamond shouted, scrambling to get to her hooves. "How did you do that with your eyes and voice?! Do you have fangs?"

Noi made her way to her hooves a moment later, and you could almost see the stars in her eyes.

"I told you I have the coolest sister ever!" Noi announced triumphantly.

"You aren't… scared?" Sunny asked softly.

"I'm never scared!" Noi boasted.

Diamond turned to raise an eyebrow at Noi, shook her head, and chuckled.

"That's ponyfeathers." She winked at Sunny. "And no, you just surprised the heck outta me."

"Ooh!" Noi squealed. "We can make a game with that! We hide from monster Sunny and she tries to find us!"

I couldn't help but notice Sunny flinching at being called a monster.

"You…" Diamond paused. "You just mean regular hide and seek?"

"Yeah!" Noi chirped. "But like, cooler!"

DT and Sunny met each other's gazes, and shrugged.

"Be careful, your front legs still aren't fully healed." I instructed. "Also, what was that weird surge when you 'put on the fireworks'? I hadn't seen that before."

"Okay!" Sunny responded to me silently. "And that was just basic kirin magic. Y'know, 'use the predator, use the prey'?"

"You can use magic already? Can you, like, lift stuff?"

"Nah, telekinesis is advanced magic. I won't be able to do that well for years." Sunny explained, watching Diamond and Noi scurry off to hide. "I can only harness the two basic sides of our magic and do some very basic flora manipulation. I can teach you! This is the perfect opportunity!"





"Well." I commented, trotting outside. "She's a pretty good hider. I can't tell where she's gone."

Sunny laughed. "Well of course you can't find her. You're only using your eyes."

There was a strained moment of silence.

"Well how else am I supposed to find her if I don't look?" I rolled my eyes.

Sunny giggled. "Good one."

Another moment of silence.

"Wait, are you being serious?"

I fought the urge to roll my eyes again. "Yes. I am completely serious."

Sunny just giggled again. "I forgot you aren't very good with instincts. Give me a minute."

With a click, Sunny was fronting. Through the mind room, I could see her eyes closing. I could feel us crouching, and a moment later, movement. Sunny walked around for a few moments, eyes still shut tight, before straightening up.

"Found her." She commented.

"What? How?"

Another click, I was fronting again.

"Stop being a kirin." Sunny somehow commented in a mystical, ethereal tone. "Close your eyes and be a dragon."

Ooh, that sent shivers down my spine.

"How do I do that?"

"Close your eyes." Sunny whispered.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Put your nose to the ground. Open your ears. You don't need your eyes to see."

I crouched down, just like Sunny did. I stuck my muzzle in the air and sniffed. I smelled flowers. That was it.

"Keep your nose down." Sunny chuckled. "Countless generations ago, the great Cyba above granted us the power of the predator. You can see with your nose. You can hear everything that moves. You can feel the vibrations through your hooves. Use her gift."

That sounded… almost religious. Do kirin have religion?

"Each kirin has a powerful dragon inside them, always fighting, always raging. Use that dragon, and find your prey. Hunt them down and make them yours."

I took a deep breath, focusing on her words.

"Be the dragon."

And just like that, my senses exploded. My veins filled with fire again, but unlike all the partial nirik transformations, it felt… different. Hot, but not like it would burn you. Powerful, but like it could be controlled.

I could feel my muscles tensing, as a result of the crouched position. I could hear the breeze, and the birdsong, and what must have been a door opening three houses down. The information came in like a flood, but it all made sense. It all sorted itself in my mind.

And with that, I could feel the vibrations in the earth. I could feel movement below me. The tiny movements of a tiny animal. No, many tiny animals. One larger one and six smaller ones. I don't know how, but I seemed to automatically recognize them as rabbits. Must be a den somewhere underfoot.

But I couldn't feel just the rabbits. I could feel the grass gently blowing in the wind. I could feel the wind all over my entire body, every square inch reporting that they experienced it. 

I could feel the vibrations of somebody walking around in the house, and my brain told me by the weight and amount of time between the steps that it was Script.

I could feel everything. But instead of overloading my brain, all the information sorted itself out. Fit itself into little boxes I could focus on at will.

I put my muzzle right above the dirt and took a deep breath in.

A world of scent exploded in my mind. I could smell more than just flowers. I could smell countless life forms around me. So many smells that I didn't recognize, but my brain labeled. I could smell the dirt, the oils in the ground, the rabbits, all the ponies… everything.

And there it was. The smell that I somehow knew was Noi's, despite never really smelling her. It was tinged with the scent of sweat, and leaving a trail… up?

I lifted my head, greedily sucking in more and more information. I couldn't explain it, but it left a… path in my mind. Without opening my eyes, I could tell that she went around the back of the house. I could also tell the house was approximately seven steps away. 

I could almost see her hoofprints. They were farther out. She was running. Not desperately. Not like prey, not something to chase. Her steps were wider, not panicked. An easy canter.

I followed the path in my mind, then opened my eyes.

With another sense, I had another explosion of information. I could see everything. I could see the tiny movements of the grass and the leaves in the trees as the wind blew them. I could make out the defined shape of every single blade of grass, every single leaf, every knot in the tree, and every shingle on the roof.

It actually took me a second to figure out what I was looking at. I had opened my eyes and there Noi was, in the center of my vision.

…Hiding on the roof.

"Ooh, you're good." Noi called out.

I blinked as that realization processed in my brain.

"Noi, what the hell are you doing?" I gasped. "Come down before you hurt yourself!"

Noi just smirked. "Come get me."

That little shit.

I circled the house, trying to find a way up. Did she climb the pipe that led to the gutter? Did sh-

"You can't find a way up there like a predator. The predator's mind doesn't think like that. Let the dragon fade away, and let the prey mind show you a way up. The two sides are always fighting. Always hunting and always running. A true kirin can master both."

"Like yin and yang." I grinned.

"Hmm, remember the timberwolf? Think on that. Think if you didn't have the nirik powers to stop it."

Visions of blood overwhelmed me. Visions of pain, broken bones, bleeding out of the ground.

"Take five quick breaths. You need to outrun the predator."

Five quick breaths later, and all the information from my then-sharpened senses sort of faded into background noise.

"Now just open your eyes, and find a path."

My eyes snapped open as my body flooded with energy. God, I could run a marathon like this. I feel like one kick could bend steel.

My vision snapped to a barrel, next to the gutter pipe. 

I could use that.

I barely had to even try to move. My body, moving almost by a thought, broke into a sprint. I made a quick jump and was suddenly on the barrel. Without pausing, I leapt again. My front hooves landed on the pipe, and after hastily using them to make tiny adjustments, my back legs landed on the pipe.

Completely vertical for just the tiniest moments, I made one final jump, and found myself scrambling up onto the roof. I feel the wide eyes and absolutely baffled expression now adorning Noi's face were probably mirrored on mine.

"Eh?" Sunny asked, and I knew she would be wearing a shit eating grin if she could have.

"That was awesome!" I shouted, not even bothering to reply mentally.

"That so so coooooool!" Noi exclaimed. "Ooh, could you do that again, but like, do a backflip? Cause that'd be like straight out of an action book!"

"I can't." I wiped the grin off my face. "Why did you hide on the roof? What if you fell off and hurt yourself?

"Can we get her down safely?" I quietly asked Sunny. "How strong are we?"

"I can do it pretty easily. Want me to?" Sunny responded. 

"Yeah."

Another click, and Sunny walked over and stuck her head under Noi's sides, flipping her onto our back with an easy movement. Two quick jumps down later, and she sat down, letting Noi slide off us.

"Wow." Noi said, looking impressed. "I wish all my friends were as cool as you."

"What are you talking about?" Sunny asked. "I'm just any other kirin."

"But kirin are so awesome!" Noi gave a tiny jump as she broke into a manic grin. "Ponies can't do anything that cool! Well, except ponies like Rainbow Dash obviously. And Miss Applejack. She can kick hard enough to make a redwood shake."

"That is impressive." I chimed in. "She could probably kick us over that crystal castle thing if she wanted."

"Well I sure can't fly, so let's not try that." Sunny sassed. "Now we just need to find Diamond."

"That won't be a problem." I shrugged. "She's pink."

To be fair, that's not how we found her. I walked into the house, took a single look around, and saw a filly sized lump behind the curtain in the living room.

"Diamond." I monotoned. "That's not a creative hiding place."

"Aw." Diamond groaned, pushing past the curtain. "I was sure that'd work."

I chuckled. "You also just gave yourself up. I could be saying that and had no idea where you were. Just said that to flush you out."

Diamond blinked slowly, before blowing out and kicking the floor. "Sorry. I've never played before."

"You've never played hide and seek before?" I chuckled.

"Nopony has ever wanted to play with me before." Diamond's gaze met the ground. 

My heart hurt as I saw her deflate. Those weren't the actions of a bully. Those were the actions of a kid just trying to fit in. The ones I'd seen on Jake so many times.

Oh god, I really had misjudged her, hadn't I?

"Hey, it's no problem." I bumped shoulders with Diamond. "I'll show you how to be a pro. Let's play another round."

Diamond responded with a timid smile, but I swear I could feel the warmth radiating off her like a wildfire.





"Right!" Diamond clapped her hooves together. "Noi is probably gonna rush into the kitchen. If you hide in the bathroom we can wait till she goes outside, then meet-"

"Diamond," I interrupted. "Hide and seek doesn't need planning. Just have fun!"

"But… mom said I always need to take charge an-" Diamond froze, a furious expression flashing across her face for just a moment. "Right. Uh, no plan. Good idea. I'll just… go this way."

I paused as I watched Diamond canter off, shooting furtive looks back. I faked a smile to encourage her, which dropped off my face as soon as she rounded the corner.

"You trying to make it my turn early?" Sunny joked as I didn't move.

Silence answered her.

"Uh, Jenny, something wrong?" 

"That kid has got some serious mommy issues." I whispered out loud, more to myself than anybody else.

"What do you- is something wrong? I mean, you never told me about y-" Sunny started.

Fortunately, my train of thought was cut off by a sudden series of knocks on the front door.

"Oh, I think that's Rich." I heard Golden's voice from the living room. "Fillies! Come on here!"

Yeah, trust her to be the one to end the fun. 

As I took my time making it to the front, I heard the door swing open, and the voice of a stallion rang out. 

"Golden Harvest, a pleasure, as always." Filthy Rich greeted. "I have come to retrieve my daughter."

Yeah buddy, you're not convincing anybody. You even sound like you don't care.

"Father!" Diamond chirped, digging herself out from under the couch. 

Filthy fixed his daughter with a bemused expression as he picked a string of dust out of Diamond's mane. "Dear, what… what were you doing under the couch?"

Diamond turned to wave at me and Noi, who cantered in, beaming.

"Playing hide and seek with Noi, and my new fr-" Diamond faltered.

"Her new friend, Sunny." I nodded and stepped forward. I turned and fixed Diamond with a gentle smile. "Don't be a stranger, okay?"

Diamond's cheeks flushed pink, and she had to turn to hide her smile.

"I'm sure she won't." Filthy asserted in a strong tone, taking control of the conversation. "She does always make the most precious, peculiar little friends. But we must be going."

"Oh, won't you stay for dinner?" Golden offered. "We're having stuffed peppers tonight. I'll have made plenty!"

Filthy took a little bow and his voice took a tone that could almost be friendly. 

"I'm afraid I can't. Thank you for the offer and the hospitality as always, Golden. Our cook is already in the process of cooking our own dinner, however."

And then with a final wave, the door closed behind them. 

"He's… hard to get a read on." I thought out loud.

"He grew up in Canterlot." Golden answered. "That's why he seems so… cold. He is a very good pony, though. Just takes time to get used to. I mean, he is a single father."

Yeah, a single father with a cook. And probably a butler. A manor. A private tutor for his daughter.

It's not respectable being a single parent when you have other people to do the actual parenting.

"Anyways!" Golden clapped her hooves together. "Are you three ready for Golden's trademark 'Stuffed Pepper Surprise' soon?"

"Depends, how close is the nearest emergency room?" I tossed back.





"So… I just had an interesting conversation with Script." Golden spoke from behind me, interrupting my focus on the Ponish lesson. "Sure, we can get you set up with a mental health specialist. I was gonna try and get one set up within the next moon anyway. Is there a reason you were asking today though? Did something happen?"

Fucking dammit. This is the last person I wanted to discuss this with.

Gritting my teeth, I answered curtly. "Nothing I'd care to discuss with you. I promised Sunny I would."

Golden paused for a moment. "You don't sound like you really want to."

"Therapist's diagnoses are quackery at the worst, guesswork at the best." I spat. "Talking your problems through with a stranger might give you catharsis, but when it gets to medication, that's one bad diagnosis away from what should be malpractice."

Golden blew out slowly. "That sounds like a closely held belief. Personal experience?"

I refused to turn to get to address her properly. "Not me, but my brother. He- nevermind. I don't see why you'd believe me anyway."

There was a pause, then a soft hum from Golden. "Humor me."

I turned to look at her incredulously. "Are you really gonna believe that I have true experiences from my life as a currently extinct species in another world?"

Golden shrugged. "A couple years ago I helped the ruler of our entire nation take on a psychopathic child, a demon from Tartarus, and a big screechy shapeshifting queen, while fighting along with every species in Equestria. Some species who were even seen as sworn enemies of ponykind a year prior. Trust me kiddo, you are far from the weirdest thing I've seen."

I opened my mouth to reply something snarky, but words failed me.

"Besides," Golden continued. "This entire town gets periodically harassed by Discord. Considering all that, I'd believe a lot of outlandish sounding things I would have thought impossible a few years earlier."

"Alright." I tossed out. "Fine. Growing up, my little brother was diagnosed with what felt like everything under the sun, and in return prescribed tons of different crap. Some jacked up his emotional state, some turned him into a zombie. Some even made him refuse to eat at all. But as soon as he gets off them, he goes back to normal. Or well, the closest he gets to normal."

Golden shrugged. "Sounds like trial and error. Something worked eventually, didn't it?"

"No. Because mental health 'professionals' are paid to guess at shit and screw it up." I monotoned. "If somebody comes in with a broken leg, there are easy ways to prove it, and easy ways to fix it. The same can't be said for the brain. That's way more complex, and even if we can explain and diagnose it with professionals, the run of the mill therapist is just gonna guess at your condition and could easily make it worse. So yes, I will go for Sunny, and I will give it my all, but I don't trust anybody you'd bring me to."

I laid my head on the cushion and prepared myself for her trying to "relate" by telling a story from her own life.

"That's… completely fair." Golden responded slowly.

"Huh?"

"I'm not gonna say I totally understand, since I never had interactions like that, but I totally respect your decision, and applaud you for still trying."

Alright, well that didn't go as expected.

"I'll see what I can arrange, but in the meantime, dinner's ready."

I followed in silence as Golden led me back to the table, spotting Script and Noi each appearing from their respective rooms. Judging by the distracted look on Noi's face, she'd been working on her comic book and was still lost in artist mode.

We all settled down at the table, where dinner, which actually looked like human food, was awaiting us.

"So." Noi started the conversation, turning to me. "You're from a species called humans? But they're all gone. Are you a time traveler? I'm trying to make a character like you but I don't get it."

I love how the ponies here just accept this. If I went off spouting that shit in the world I remember, I'd be in a madhouse by now.

"I don't know what I am." I sighed. "I don't even know if I'm real anymore. I mean, you'd think if I can remember a life entirely before this, I would exist. But this world has so much magic, who knows?"

Actually wait, I'm an idiot.

"Sunny," I spoke aloud. "Did any of your other alters have a past they remember?"

"Melody didn't." Sunny responded evenly. "Orange never stuck with one story, and King insisted he was a frog before he joined me. Might have been a joke, though. He had a lot of weird jokes. Boys, right?"

Well that's the most unhelpful thing.

"Nevermind." I grumbled.

"Well…" Script pondered. "Is there anything you know for sure that Sunny couldn't know? That would prove your history as you know it was true."

My vision fell to my hooves as I chewed on my lower lip. Logically, there had to be something. I mean, I was in my twenties from a completely different world, but what could I…

My vision focused on my hoof and I let out a gasp. I extended it in front of me, trying to imagine it was the back of a human hand, fingers all splayed out.

"Proximal row. Scaphoid, lunate, triquetral, pisiform. Distal row. Trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate. Then the metacarpal bones extending in three distinct phalanges. Proximal, middle, distal." I recited, my breathing picking up and a sudden light feeling bubbling in my chest. There's no way Sunny would know the bones of the hand! But then again, there was no way I could prove it.

My breath caught in my throat. Neither ponies or kirin had fingers or hand bones. In fact, I wasn't especially well versed on equine anatomy, but I'm somewhat sure that either the tibia or ulna led into specifically named horse bones in equines. The names wouldn't coincide with humans.

There was Spike, though! Wait, Script told me Twilight took Celestia's throne in Canterlot. She probably took Spike with her, and I doubt anybody in this town would know the names of the bones in the hand of a dragon. That's even assuming they'd have the same names. Of course there could be books on dragon anatomy in the library, but… I still couldn't read the language.

Fuck.

"I got nothing." I responded dejectedly. So unless I thought of something else, the existential horror would extend till I learned to read a brand new language. Well that's just great.

Wait. Waitwaitwait.

I smacked my forehead as a sudden thought occurred to me. There may be evidence after all! 

"Sunny!" I began excitedly. "That pink pony that threw that party, have you ever seen her before?"

I know the others were fixing me with that bewildered look they always did when I spoke to Sunny out loud, but this was far too important to care about how I appeared to them.

"No." Sunny replied. "Well, yes, kind of, but not directly. After we were freed from the Stream of Silence's effects, our village and some ponies tried doing an int… integre… uh, integration thingy. We went to some pony town, showed us around, then we all went into a building to see a… think they called it a 'film'. It gave some history of Equestria and showed clips from that mountain town and Ponyville. The pink pony was shown with some other ponies and a big mismatched snake creature with gem necklaces. The ponies had the necklaces, not the snake creature. I recognize the teacher cow f- sorry, teacher mare from that film thing too. It was weird. Ponies look so vulnerable without kirin scales and fluff."

I didn't bother responding. I couldn't. My heart was too busy falling into the pit of my chest to retort. Pinkie's manic nature could be ascertained from any clips of her, that's for sure. And if Cheerilee was in the video… Fuck, my life could be a lie. Just a part of the character come up with by a fragmented psyche. Sunny could have learned about humans in school. I could be… fake. My dad, my brother, Maria… everyone I knew and loved could never have existed. Everything I learned, everything I studied could just have been the machinations of the creativity of a traumatized child, creating fake worlds to escape from the real one.

I wrapped both forelegs around my stomach. I felt like I had just gotten struck with a fever. But who cares about fever when my entire life could be a little GODDAMN LIE?

"Nono." I mumbled to myself. "No no no no no no no."

"Jenny!" Golden spoke loudly, grabbing my shoulder. "What's wrong? Why are you crying? Please, answer!"

"I… stomach ache." I could barely whisper. I leapt off the chair, a jolt of pain shooting through my broken leg, but it was numbed. Numbed like the rest of the world. The only world that existed for sure.

I don't remember entering the bathroom, but suddenly found myself doubled over, right above the shit hole part of the pony toilet. I was dry heaving, heavy sobs coming out. I barely noticed. My skin was coated by a cold sweat and I could feel my fur matting.

"Jenny?" I heard a gentle knock on the door, and Golden's voice. But who's to say that was real? Shit, if I could imagine twenty three years as a human, who's to say I'm not imagining this? Maybe I was a human, trapped in a padded room screaming about magical ponies and being trapped in the head of a little girl.

My stomach finally gave way, and with a splattering noise and a sick, acidic smell, I coated the hole in a gross, chunky yellow mix of bile and lunch. I frantically tried to catch my breath, my nose full of the smell of pine air freshener and vomit, but my body decided to give the bathroom another coating of sick.

I sat there a few more moments, struggling to gain control of my breathing between dry heaves, before my stomach finally seemed to settle. Exhausted, my throat still burning, and my far more sensitive kirin nose highly assaulted by the worst smell I can imagine, I flopped onto my back. I could say the feeling was familiar, calling back to all the nights I drank a bit too much a bit too fast, but shit, those might just have been imagined up too.

I felt my eyes start rolling, the world getting lighter and farther away, but I did my best to shake it off. I managed to roll onto my stomach, and saw the door open, and the concerned face of Golden Harvest looking through. Or at least the being I perceived as the orange earth pony. Who the hell knows what was actually happening? I could see her lips moving, but could barely hear a sound. I could hear the much higher tone of Sunny shouting something, but her words were distant and impossible to understand.

"I'm…" I panted, unsure if the body was actually speaking or not. "Sorr-"

Everything stopped.





"Woah there honey, don't get up so fast. Here, drink."

Things were moving around me. I could feel the different ambience of the room, a warm presence against my back, what could be ceramic against my lips, and a pounding in my head.

"Ughhh." I muttered, my eyes slowly opening. I could make out what looked like a white room, lit only by one source behind me, but dark otherwise. At the bottom of my vision was a mug being pressed against my lips. Holding the mug was an orange hoof.

I leaned away from the warm body, which could only be Golden, and into the mug, taking large, greedy gulps. I could still feel my throat stinging from throwing up.

"Woah hey, small sips." Golden warned. A bit too late, as I had just drained the cup as she said that. She gave me a minute to sit straight, put the cup down, and get my bearings, before speaking again. "Do you wanna talk about what just happened?"

Did I? Fuck no. Especially with her. But I also knew she wouldn't leave until I did.

"Panic attack or something." I muttered, not meeting her eyes.

"One doozy of a panic attack." She replied evenly. "What brought it on?"

I took several moments debating whether I should even say.

"Existential crisis." I whispered.

Golden took a moment to process that. "You don't think you're real?"

I finally met her gaze, full of a sudden unexplained rage. "Well no fucking shit I'm real. But everything I was so sure existed in my past can just be explained away by Sunny's experiences. How the fuck am I supposed to think anything I've ever experienced is real if I can't explain it?!"

I could tell she was shaken just by the fact that she didn't give me shit for swearing. But fuck, who cares what she thinks?

"You do know things Sunny couldn't." She attempted to cheer me up. "Medical knowledge. Multiple languages. I can tell you're smart."

"Yeah, and who can prove they're real?" I retorted. "Who can prove I know the bones of a hand, or how to speak Russian? Nobody else here knows that!"

Golden was silent for a few moments, maintaining eye contact. Finally, she spoke.

"What part of the brain is responsible for memory?"

"Hippocampus." I spat.

"How do you handle an infected wound?"

"Antibiotics." I rolled my eyes.

"How…" Golden was silent for a minute. "How many degrees of burns?"

"...Three." I responded hesitantly, more confused than pissed at this point.

"The nurse told me you told me you studied medicine. I didn't know the answer to any of those but the second, and I don't think Sunny will either if you ask her." Golden said surely.

"I didn't know any." Sunny whispered.

"Jenny, I can't even begin to understand what you're going through." Golden's voice adopted a soothing tone as she stepped closer to me. "All I can do is try to be there, like any proper mother, and help you through this as best as I can. I can try and ask Starlight to talk to you…l"

Golden tried to put her hoof on my shoulder. Tried. Full of that burning hot rage again, I swatted her hoof away.

"Don't. Touch. Me." I growled.

Golden set her jaw and stiffened. "What's your problem with me? You're fine with Noi and Script. Sunny is fine with me. Why do you have such an issue with me? I've noticed it since the first day you were in my home. I'm not trying to replace your mother, just be there whil-"

"That's right, you're not my mother." I interjected. "You're never gonna fucking be my mother. For fucks sake, LEAVE. ME. ALONE." I had jumped to all fours without even noticing, and screamed the last three words in her face.

I thought I saw her lower lip tremble.

"If that's… what you want." Her voice shook. "Good night, Jenny."

I whipped around and a moment later heard the door click closed behind me.

"What… was that about?" Sunny asked accusingly, her voice growing in volume. "She's done nothing but good things and been nice the entire time we've known her! What's with you and mares? You need to apologize to her!"

“No!” I raised my voice. “We don’t fucking need her!”

“H-hey, watch the language.” Sunny responded, her voice getting weaker as it always did when I yelled at her.

“No, you listen right fucking now, because it’s best you learn it early. Moms aren’t good for shit. Oh they’ll carry you around for nine months, sure. They'll soak up all that attention and support, but as soon as they pop you out and they’re just some other bitch with a kid? Then all they’re good for is running off, probably whoring out for some other town. Did you know I don’t even know if my little brother is my half or full brother or not? My dad refused to do a paternity test because he vowed to 'love him like his own, even if he wasn't.' All because my whore of a mom didn't. That’s all moms are good for.”

“Mine didn’t-”

“But guess what?” I shouted. “I didn’t even need her. She wasn’t around to teach me to bake, or talk to girls, or even do my hair, but I learned without her. She wasn’t there to guide me through all those confusing questions I had growing up that I couldn’t ask my dad or brother, but I still made it just fine without her! She wasn’t there when I had my first date, learned to drive, or learned to hold my own in a fight. I had twenty-one GREAT birthdays without her, and I didn’t even get a fucking CARD from her. To HELL with her!”

Sunny didn’t respond, and for several moments the only things I was aware of in the world was of my own heavy breathing and a ferocious burning sensation behind my eyes.

“I didn’t need a mom then, and I sure as hell don’t need one now.” I finished.

“J-Jen-”

“You listen, and you listen good, Sunny.” I interrupted. “You and I, we’re gonna make it through this shit. I had to take care of my brother when my dad wasn't around, and I'm gonna take care of you. We're gonna go through school, go through college, get a big fucking house, and if you have to have little gremlins of your own, I'm gonna make sure they know what it feels like to have a parent who loves them, something else I didn't learn from her!"

A moment passed in silence and I heard a soft knocking on the door.

"Go away, Noi." I grumbled.

I didn't hear a response as the door slowly opened, and a pony stepped inside. The hoofsteps were too heavy to be Noi, so I just had to hope…

"I uhm… couldn't help but overhear you." Golden said softly.

God… dammit.

"Hey, hey. It's okay," Golden gently shushed me, wiping away the tears of frustration I could hardly feel. "I'm sorry you had those problems with your mother… Jenny. But I want to tell you that regardless of whether or not you accept me, I'm not giving up or running off on you."

"I don't need you." I grumbled, turning around and staring at the floor. 

"Maybe not," Golden whispered, right behind me. "But your mom made a mistake. I think you're still a fantastic little pony, and you're strong and brave for making it past all you've had to."

She was lying. She had to be. She barely knew me, but...

I could feel her breath just barely rustling some of the fur on my neck, and her hoof laying over my shoulder blades. I wanted so badly to lean away, but I couldn't. I wanted so badly to yell at her, make her go away. To scream at her until my voice turned hoarse.

But I couldn't.

"I…" A thousand warning sirens blared in my head. I was being vulnerable. I was being weak. I needed to make some space and come back when I had my head on straight.

But I didn't move.

"I… I…" My entire body started trembling. I finally met Golden's gentle gaze through teary eyes as I took a shuddering breath in. "Why didn't she want me?"

And then her forelegs wrapped around me and gently pulled me in.

I was tempted to pull away. I hated hugs. I hated being touched in general, but to show affection? God no, way too uncomfortable. Especially between me and her? Forget it.

But somehow as Golden pulled me in, I wasn't feeling uncomfortable or angry. In fact, the only thing I felt was warmth. I know it was likely just body heat, but I felt something else, something… special as I completely surrendered to the embrace, pressing my face straight into her fur and shivering.

Maybe I was just being weird. I mean, I didn't remember the last time I had a real meaningful hug, so maybe they're all like this. Maybe I was just being weird and melodramatic as I desperately pushed myself deeper into her, silently begging for her to tighten her grip and just swallow me with her fur, to completely block off the outside world.

It was probably me just being weird as I felt every muscle in my body relax. As I compared the embrace to being swallowed up by a warm cloud, coasting miles away from any worry or troubles that I could think of.

It was probably me just being melodramatic as I felt the pressure of judgment sliding off me, and gave out a ragged sob as I moved my head just enough to wipe my eyes on Golden's fur.

It was probably just me being a strange, unlikable person parading around as a child as minutes later I was still being held, Golden's chest fur dampened with salty tears while I was softly sleeping, far, far away from the troubles that plagued my waking mind.