//------------------------------// // Gifts And Drinks From Strangers Doesn't Suck. // Story: This Sucks: A Story About The First Human In Equestria // by Justa Dooda //------------------------------// If there is a god, or if the universe is listening. I would like to apologize for my slander earlier today. Today was terrible. So terrible that it would tip you over the edge. But thankfully with the help of some ponies you know, that tipping point is no longer a point on the map! Why? Because these ponies that just started talking to you actually give a damn about your well being. All it took was one pony's magic against your will to speak their language to do the trick. What can you say, no one is perfect. But it looks like the ball is rolling in the right direction. That direction was Ponyville. The place was crawling with so many ponies, and other creatures that you don’t recognize. Well expect a yak or two that seemed to be around these parts. Very big yaks. Somehow horses are smaller than you remember and yaks are bigger than you, like way bigger here compared to back on Earth. But for the most part the major demographic of this town was ponies. Many of which look at you with at first shock, but more out of curiosity. You get the feeling that humans don’t usually show up in town like this. Being naked too doesn't help matters either. Your companions lead you to a building that Rarity introduced to you as ‘Carousel Boutique.’ This place…is kind of out there. For one this architecture is very different compared to the other buildings in Ponyville. Many pinks and baby blues accents adorned the building. Its design was more circular than square. When you look, you can see the ‘carousel’ part as part of the major design with nice decorative pillars. But it also has a 'little girl princess castle' vibe to it all. Does not help that the main sign looks like a pony mannequin with hearts around it with a nice iron ‘S’ to keep its shape. Rarity leads you inside; a bell announcing all of your arrival. The colors inside scream frilly fashion and upper status. Many mirrors lined the walls with many different shades of pink drapes that colored the walls. The carousel motif carries heavily inside of the building. “Come on girls, Windle, let’s see if I can make you look like a stud!” Rarity said with much enthusiasm. You stretch and lazily pace your hands behind your head, "I don’t want to look like a stud, I just want to not be naked." "Ha!" Rainbow Dash smirked, "good luck Windle when Rarity gets like this, you gonna be the dorkiest looking dude in all of Ponyville," Rainbow Dash bellowed in laughter. The pink party pony seemed to giggle as well, though there was a feeling deep down you got that she's just laughing because someone else is laughing. Oh gee it's like I'm not the biggest 'dork' already. Rarity leads you to landing. With her magical horn she started to measure your figure. The fashionista mumbled and talked to herself as she worked out the details of your new set of clothes. "Sooooo," you break the awkward silences. "This is what you call a 'Friendship Emergency?' What else does this emergency do? Fluttershy answered from her long silence ever since you could begin to talk, "Well it usually comes down to making sure that every pony knows the value of friendship." She looked up and winced, "I mean every creature of course." A tape measure came in front of your view for a moment, "And getting clothes for someone like me counts as a friendship emergency?" The fashionista jumped in, "Yes, a little generosity can help any creature get out a nasty trenches of absolute," Rarity paused briefly, inhaling deeply, "despair!" She finishes with a dramatic flourish. "Despair?" You cock an eyebrow. "I don't think I was in such despair." Rarity was about to respond but a certain pink pony could help herself. "OH I KNOW!" Pinkie seemed to bounce into your view. "We should have a party! Yeah a really big party, a 'Welcome to Ponyville Windle from Another Dimension' party!' I can ask Discord to open some whacky portals and to make you feel right home!" "That sounds-" you begin to say. But you were cut off. "No no no don't have to thank me, it's what I do best" Pinkie smiled and she made a weird 'squee' noise. Do all ponies do that when they are happy? "I don't think that sounds like a good idea with portals and magic." You protest tilting your you head away with a concerned look on your face. Pinkie taps her chin and scrunches up her muzzle. She gasps; an epiphany struck her, "Oh I know, I just remembered something! Sooo when Fluttershy was taking care of you and Applejack sent over a barrel of cider, I was there checking up on you, Windle." She jumped into the air higher than a sea lion breaking the water, though her fall back down was slower than a feather, right into your open arms. "BUT! When Fluttershy was taking a drink from the cider your eyes went all Whoosh Whoosh Whoosh!" Her eyes went crazy, looking around at a speed you could have sworn to make her eyes roll out of her skull. She slaps the side of her cheek with her hoof with a loud smack, her eyes locked onto you "And the only time I saw some creature do that in their deep sleep is if they really really wanted something bad. So I put two and two together…" She leaped from your arms, paused to defy gravity and somewhere she fished for something in her mane, maybe it's a pocket dimension? A shower of confetti exploded all around you annoying the fashionista pony. Pinkie slowly drifted back down to earth choosing to obey gravity, "You are the type of creature that absolutely doobly loooooves cider!!" She gets to her hind legs and claps her forehooves together. "And the best place to get cider, or any nice booze is that new place that opened up." What the fucked did I just watch? How…how…what how?! Rainbow Dash ears perked up. "Wait wait wait, are you talking about that new pony that opened that saloon close by?" She gently hovered down above Pinke. "The one with all the Las Pegasus games in it?" Las Pegasus? That sounds like Las Ve- "Yup! That's the one alright!" Pinkie beamed. "Pinkie, are you suggesting we go out and get drunk?" Twilight said with an annoyed look. “Yup!” Pinke bounced to face Twilight directly. “But I have seen ponies go there to either forget their troubles, or waste themselves away.” Twilight raised a hoof at her energetic friend. “Oh Twilley, that's because they didn’t have me! We can make it fun and not boring and sad!” Pinkie completely sweeping aside the Princess's concerns. “Well I suppos’ Pinkie has a point there.” The cow pony spoke up. “I've always been interested in that there saloon. I heard from the town folks that the mare herself makes a mean drink if ya just ask.” “Applejack, I don’t know if I can go there!” A hint of panic set in the lavender pony. “I-I’m a Princess! That would set a terrible example to everypony.” You tilt your head at the Princess. Interesting. It made sense. Gathering from the clues that a 'Princess' is a title that has some weight to it. And also gathering from Twilight went out of her way to make a school about teaching friendship, that too had much weight behind it. Going into a bar to get piss drunk in front of your subjects would be a bad call. However, looking at Pinkie's face, it's hard to say no to that sad puppy dog look. Seriously, how do ponies make not only their pupils big, but their iris as well? Just another little thing that makes you stand out like a sore thumb in this world. You were about to interject, but Starlight trotted next to the Princess of Friendship, “Twilight, It's fiiiine. If it really concerns you, you can just not go?” She placed a forearm around Twilight in a half hug. The fashionista chimed in, “Twilight dearie, it will be fine. Everypony and every creature needs ways to unwind. Sometimes a good bottle of wine does wonders. How do you think Princess Celestia deals with the nobles during the Galla?” She nodded and walked off the stage to another corner of her boutique. “OR a tall mug of a Mudslide!” The party pony squealed out. “Heh, You know I never seen Twilight get really tipsy, the last time was when she first got here.” Rainbow Dash smirked. “I..I didn’t get THAT tipsy, did I?” Twilight cheeks flushed peering up into the floating race pegasus. A shriek stops all the conversation as all eyes where on Rarity. The white pony was shrieking at empty racks. “Nonononononono ugh this is the worst!” Rarity pouted and signed in defeat. She turned to you. “Im sooo sorry Windle, but” She gestures to a lack of supplies. “It must have slipped my mind that all of my stock got used in the classes just a couple of weeks before.” Her eyes seemed to water up before shaking her head. Her friends seemed to gather around and give some positivity. “Oh,” you blinked surprised. She was making such a fuss over you not having ‘proper’ attire. Well that kind of sucks that you are not going to get any clothes. Might be for the best if Rainbow Dash was correct. Thou judging by some of the dresses around this place, you would be in extreme regalia. That's too much for your tastes. You look down at the distressed pony and begin to speak. However you stop yourself. She looks really distraught. So much it breaks your will to protest. Well fuck. She was really looking forward to helping you, and now she can’t. To you that's no big deal, however judging from the stories and banter between the ponies before coming to Ponyville that friendship must be extremely important. Maybe a pillar of how this society works? Fuck they even have an authoritive figure about friendship for god sakes. You can’t brush it off. That might insult her. Shit. Rock in a hard place. What can you do? What is the answer? Turns out the answer was right in front of you. Your eyes spot a vase which looks like ancient depictions of pegasus of old. Taking a step of the stage you wander to the vase to get a closer look. Something about their attire. It's simple. It looks like it covers your nether bits. It was perfect. “Uhhh Rarity, what about…” You gestured to the ancient ponies. Rarity ears twitched and looked in your direction. Some of her eye shadow started to get runny under her eyes. “This…whatever this is.” Rarity whipped her eyes and wondered over to you. Her horn glowed and she plucked the vase from your grasp. “You…want to have this? An ancient pegasi ensemble?” She pointed at the the vase. “I mean if that isn't too much of a hassle.” You scratch the back of your head feeling all eyes are on you. Rarity to look at the vase and then at your figure, pondering deeply. A moment passed before her eyes lit up. “A-ha! I just know that this needs to be magnifique!” The posh pony went to another corner of her shop to gather some materials. “Windle if you hop on here, this will be the fastest design yet!” Well alright then. You solve that problem way easier than you expected. You take your stand back on stage. With no warning your vision becomes white cloth. Your instinct to pull away but Rarity told you to hold still as she did her work. With her magic, a simple stitch here and there, than finally she was finished. “And there we have it Windle take a look at your dashing self.” She used her magic to levitate a small hand mirror to you. You looked at her work. A simple white toga with a deep red sash that wrapped around your right shoulder and to top it off a cord of rope accented with golden threads for accents to hold your waist. This was simple, but somehow something so simple as this Rarity made it just a bit extra. You could help but smile at her work. Wait. Was this the first real smile? Huh. You had a feeling that you couldn’t smile ever since losing some vital memories and just suffering internally while you are here. But right now, looking at yourself. You look good. Not normal but you look pretty decent. “Oh I almost forgot you need something to protect your bare…what are those?” She said looking down at your exposed toes. You give them a wiggle and she jumps a bit. “They are called feet.” You say simply. “That is got to be the weeeeirrrdddest thing I have seen, and I have been around.” The racer pegasus spoke with a hint of disgust in her voice. “Hehehe I can do that too, see?” The pink pony sat down and blew into her forehoof, with odd pops she somehow blew up small five tiny little nubs. Somehow this pink eldritch creature keeps surprising you with her strange…antics? You look around to see if it's just you. Well turns out it is just you that finds this weird, the rest of the other ponies either ignored her or find some humor to Pinkie Pie. You on the other hand, you don’t. Not one bit. Rarity whipped up some nice sandals that were also simple with just one strap to keep them down across your foot. With just one measurement she made the perfect footwear as well. The feeling was odd, it should be leather, it was the same color as tanned leather, but something told you that these ponies don’t condone leatherworking. You took one final look at the new set of clothes. You were flabbergasted. “Rarity, this is…I don’t know…how can I repay you? Wait...how do you pay for things?” You grabbed your chin with your finger. Rarity chuckled, “No charge for you Windle. Consider this as a gift!” She cheered at your new attire. The rest of the ponies clapped their hooves in delight. “Now I have two parties to plan. ‘Windle got a new dress!’ and 'Welcome to Ponyville Windle from another dimension.’ Oh I got so much to do I'll be right back!” Pinkie turned around and you swear you heard an engine starting to rev up. “No no NONONONO!” You shake your hand at the pink race car pony. “No parties. Please, You said there was a saloon. A bar, or whatever you guys call it. Maybe we can just do that and call it good?" Pinkie just stopped her car revving. The rest of the crew looked at each other curiously. Rainbow Dash spoke up. “See Twilight, even Windle wants to paint the town in red!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well as the Princess of Friendship, if that is what Windle, and I guess the rest of you want to do, than we will,” she sighs heavily, "'paint this town red.’” The crew of colorful ponies cheered triumphally. Well I guess you're gonna actually gonna get a drink. They say getting a little tipsy with strangers can get you a bit more friendly. Well when in Rome they say. Walking around town in the new duds, you feel that you are a part of the community. Thou feeling like something and actually seeing something are two different things. While you and your crew were walking through Ponyville you got many stares from around town. Sometimes smaller ponies you thought must be children either walking up to you to ask questions only for their parents to wrangle them up or just run away from a towering six foot ‘monster.’ You really hope this is not a thing you have to get used to. Buuuuuut something tells you that's not gonna happen. The evening sun slowly reaches its ending horizon. Rainbow Dash leads the pack to their main event. You and your fellow mystical equine creatures stop in front of a building that could fit well in a spaghetti western movie. A strong musky odor wafted from within the saloon. A musk that was a wood rot and stale beer. You all enter the double swinging doors, only to be greeted by a pony that you assumed must be a male, or stallion. Is it a stallion? Regardless, you saw a stallion forcefully tossed out by a magical force you saw Twilight and Rarity use to grab things. The poor bastard must have flown a dozen feet before face planting into the cold hard dirt. "And stay out ya cheap ol work horse!" You saw a mare that was a good head taller compared to your equine troupe with the horn on her head. She had muscular mass to her form but still had a feminine quality to it. The coat of this grizzled mare was a shade that was close to a nice blue ice. Her left right eye had a nasty scar just like yours that was whited out. The left had a dark auburn like a cold whisky. Her mane was tapered to her right side but buzzed on the other Finally she ironically had a dark barrel with a open tap as her branding on her flank. "Oh way hello der ladies and….feller?" Her accent was hard to pinpoint. It had a drawl just like Applejack, but it also sounded like she had a perpetual dry throat to make it even more husky than it should be. "Sorry about tha' dumb ol Lucky Strike. Come on in 'er got plenty of room fer actual payin' customers." The tough mare gestures to your troupe. You looked back to see a mixture of reactions. Twilight looked like she was having reservations about the place. Rarity had wide eyes at the skid mark that Lucky Strike left when he was tossed out. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had a mutual respect for the tough mare while Fluttershy jumped back and covered her mouth in shock. Lastly Starlight had a raised eyebrow at you. Well this was going to be interesting to say the very least. You all wonder in the very bland building with minimal décor. What made it weird is that in the far corner there was the arcade games Rainbow Dash mentioned earlier. Somehow ponies live in a world where magic is reality, but also live in a reality there are arcade games. Games in an old timey saloon themed bar. Strange. "So what ye drinking tah day?" The grizzled mare walked around using her magic to grab some glasses. Your group paused looking at each other. Looking to see who would order first. After a quick moment Pinkie Pie took the initiative. "Surprise us Sour Mash!" Sour Mash? Now that's a name. "Well Pinkie knowin you, yee want something sweet, a Mudslide." Sour Mash started to use her magic to get the cocktails ready to be made. The eldritch pink pony seemed to be delighted and pranced In placed. "A Manehattan for the city mare, a Long Island Iced Tea for ya shy friend, Dark and Stormy for the Wonderbolt, Sweet Apple Brandy for the Sweet Apple Acre lass, Galaxy Magic Mule for the Princess." The magical pony was whipping up a storm. Many glasses and ingredients danced to life as the drinks were being crafted by a veteran. It was, well, magical to see it happen all at once. "And let meh see for you," Sour paused as her blinded eyes peered at Starlight. "Somethin tells me yeah like some Earl Gray tea, I think I can whip up somethan," one by one each of the beverages were served to their respective pony hooves. That just left you. Sour look directly into your eyes. She is trying to get a read on you. It felt uncomfortable to be silently probed like this. "Hmmm…never seen a feller like ya self…A Snow Yak would do ya good. The hell is a Snow Yak? The saloon pony walked over to the other side of the counter to fetch the ingredients. You watched as you were curious what she was going to make. It took you only but a moment to figure out what she was crafting. First you smell a strong smell of Vodka, then followed by a strong coffee smell. Finally from a glass milk jug she mixed it together. She uses her magic to bring the drink to your hand. Huh. So that's their version of…. … What is this? You know what this drink is called. But what? Well it will eventually come to you; your pastel amigos trotted and chattered amongst themselves to a nice place to sit and enjoy their beverage. Well a nice place to sit down for ponies that is. For you the chair and table are way too low. It really puts in perspective how much bigger you are. "Oh my Windle I didn't think about how small this ugh uncomfortable décor." Rarity shifted in her creaky old stool. "Ya know, I kinda like it, it has a charm to it." Applejack sat down and swirled her drink; a satisfying clinking to your ears. Pinkie giggled as she rocked back and forth making the stool squeak at different pitches, making a makeshift tune. You look around. Some of Pinkie's friends seemed to chuckle at the strange pink ponies' antics. She is an odd one but she makes her friends laugh, that's got to count for something. You sit down with your legs crossed with the table just barely passing your waist "Welp." You begin. "This is not a bad spot to be, kinda reminds me of home a little." Starlight raised her glass. "Well I am for one glad that I casted that spell on you, now I get to relax and get a drink. On the behalf of the Princess of Friendship" Twilight glared at the comment. "You said you wanted to know if Windle had a mind of his own and here we are!" "Yeah sure Starlight used her magic against Fluttershy's pet without asking but look where we are! Drinks, Las Pegasus games, this is so awesome!" The cyan pony grinned cheek to cheek. She took a sip of her drink and sighed in satisfaction. "I never knew you would like somethin' more than mah cider Dashie." Applejack smirked. "Pfft, of course I like that cider, it's kinda the best cider in all of Equestria,” Rainbow Dash took a sip of her drink. She gasped at the taste then groaned “Gah, now I can’t choose!” The crew chortled at the indecisive pegasus. You could help but smile. A hint of contentment sent shallow waves throughout your being. Raising your glass to your lips, this Snow Yak, tasted so familiar. You blink, something long forgotten to the helm of your mind’s eye. “A White Russian as usual sir?” A human bartender, Mikey, asked you. Nodding and putting a fiver on the table. This was a popular place. Especially after someone such as yourself pulls a performance like that. You turn around only to be tackled into a hug. “Good to see you man, fucking hell! That was such a good show!” It was your over supported brother. Of course he was here. You tell him to come, he’ll come, if you don’t he does it anyway. It would be fine if he didn't do this every time making a damn scene! “I-I can’t…” You choked out trying to tap out the massive lovable bear. “Don’t know that musicians get all the bitches?” Your other friend who's sauntering up next to you. His libido level is concerningly high and never wavering. Great. Both of the chuckleheads are here tonight. Well fuck me sideways. Your brother finally lifts his death affection off of you, slapping your shoulder hard enough to falter slightly. “Mom and Dad would be proud of you.” He smiled a large goofy smile. “Mom would be proud. Dad constantly told me to ‘waste my time with a jazz instrument. Or any instrument.’” You peer down at the long black case with three latches to hold the case shut. “Well fuck em, not your Dad, and I would like to fu-” “Dude, shut the fuck up.” You cut off your horny friend, turning to the bar to nurture on your favorite drink. “Come on, he's just joking, Right?” The golly giant of a brother turned to the lustful friend. “Well before that, well you know, she was hot, and I think she hit on me.” “Remember when I said shut the fuck up?” You turned your head glaring at your crew. You sign as you take a sip. You hear a familiar voice. No it can’t be. You turn to the voice. No. It’s her, Melody. You spit up your cocktail. The chuckleheads gazed at caused your disturbances. “Oh ho ho ho, isn't that Melody, that girl you want to get your one eyed wi-” “Does everything have to involve you wanting to fuck?” You pinch at the bridge of your nose. “Fuck, of course she saw the show.” “And you think that sweet girl didn’t want to see you?” Your brother leaned in a low tone. “You know she likes you right?” “I fucking know, Jesus.” You hissed back. “Then why don’t you go over and talk to that fiery headed vixen. Hmm?” Your lustful friend waves at Melody. She waved back at you and your friend. “Fuuuuck she's a nice piece of ass. You know what? I'm gonna talk to her.” “What no, no no no!” You straighten up as hint of panic set in your voice. You reach out to spot your friend but he is quickly out of arm's reach. You curse under your breath. Well today’s the day, the biggest of days, even though it was forced onto you. You take a quicker pace than your friend. Melody eyes light up and change her demeanor. Before you get to her, a gaggle of her own friend surrounds Melody’s table, making you approach unrealistic. Well shit. With your head hung low, you return to your seat making sure no one has taken your prized instrument. Secured, you order another White Russian. “Well he never misses an opportunity to swoon, does he?” Your brother leans back on the bar. You look back to see your friend, and sure enough he is schmoozing the ladies. “No he doesn’t.” you spoke plainly. The bartender places another drink in front of you. “Fucking prick.” You and your brother spoke for the rest of the evening just about your plans and when would be a good time to catch up outside just him watching your performances. Maybe next week since it is a dry season for performances. You look back at Melody. She was bored out of mind. No way she can hide it with that face smile and nodding along to your friend trying to get in the pants of one of Melody’s friends. If only you get alone time with her maybe you two can be an item. I just need an in. Just one opportunity. Well well well, looks like that opportunity is now! Melody has seen through the bullshit of your friend and went to the door to step outside. “Excuse me, I have to take a piss.” Quickly you made your exit not forgetting your instrument behind. Your heart was pounding. A chance like this? Now? The stars, or fate or a god is smiling down on you today. It was raining outside, but it was temperate. You scan the streets as the rowdy commotion of the bar was silent when the door shut behind you. Under the streetlamp in a moonlight night you see your affection, leaning and looking down at her phone texting away. You take a deep breath and you make your move. “Uhh hey Melody, what are you doing here, like out here, I thought you wanted to be around your friends after the show.” Melody stopped her texting and looked up to you with an amused look on her. “How did you know I was here for the show? Your show” Shit. “W-well that’s because the bar here is usually a hot spot after shows, A-and you are here, so you know. So ahhh logic?” Melody laughs as she puts her phone into her back pocket. “Logic huh? It’s not that you saw me in the crowd right?” Well it is true you did see her in the the sea of people. It’s hard to miss such a person like her. You chuckle, “Well there’s that too, but you know my answer is better.” She pushes off the post and gets a little closer to you. “Your answer is just too stiff, and that is…” Melody paused her eyes narrowed, focusing on something else.“ What the hell is that…?” She said breathlessly. You follow her gaze, you see it now. What the hell is that? “Windle? You alright dearie?” Rarity tilted her head at you. You blink back into the land of Equestria. “Y-yeah, just…” you paused. “Just remembering something from my…recent past?” You ask yourself more than the ponies around the table. “Oh oh is it story time! I love a good story!” Pinkie leaned in wanting to hear your tale. “I am going to need a few drinks for that. Things are kinda fuzzy.” You finish your Snow Yak. Hopefully Sour Mash can make more where that comes from.