Having just finished introducing myself, there was a small round of deafening silence. Then, a small (what am I saying they’re all small) blue griffin raised his paw. “Yes, Mr…?”
“Gallus,” he finished for me. “I have to ask, what the cluck did you do?”
I could practically feel Twilight’s eyes burning a hole in the side of my head. “My dear sweet summer child, there isn’t time in the day. Now, I can understand that many, if not all of you, have multiple concerns about your substitute teacher being here as a result of community service, but I can assure you that I have never, at any point, made an attempt to overthrow, supplant, destroy, or unmake any member of the royal family, their friends, family, or Equestria as a whole. Neither have I ever required the use of the Elements of Harmony to resolve any conflict.
“I am, however, fully qualified as a substitute teacher,” I paused, and rolled my tongue in my mouth for a second. “Nope, still tastes weird to say that. I also have multiple commendations from Equestrian Royalty, a handful of foreign ambassadors, and a rather good eye for detail, so if the changeling and the dragon in the back row could please wait till after I’m done addressing the class to have their own conversation that’d be fantastic thanksomuch. Now, I will not be teaching the entirety of your lessons today, but I will be your acting homeroom teacher for the next few weeks, give or take. Minimum of three, five max depending on circumstances.”
The dragon in question at least had the courtesy to look sheepish about being caught, then raised her hand. “Yes, in the back, Ms…”
“Smolder,” she finished. It occurred to me for a moment that these kids were already easier to talk to than some adults I knew. “So why, if you’re so great, are you doing community service?”
I smiled, and waved a hoof noncommittally. “It’s not actual community service, in a sense. As in court-mandated. Think of it more as… losing a bet. I have an ongoing game with the Princesses, and this is just part of it.”
The mood in the room seemed to lighten considerably after that, as the Princesses did have a reputation for silly bets and games with their subjects. Twilight much less so, but I had a whole month to fix that. Although she had taken to sitting quietly behind the desk and watching, slightly amused, as I fielded questions. Now more of the students were raising their hooves and claws. I pointed to the bright blue changeling that had been gossiping with the dragon. “Ms…”
“Ocellus,” she answered. I could tell right away she was the quiet but curios one. “So, if I might ask, what is your special talent? Your cutie mark is… confusing. And what does Schadenfreude mean?”
“Incidentally, your second question answers most of your first. Schadenfreude is a Germane word meaning ‘malicious glee’. My special talent is finding the things that most annoy a creature, and then irritating the feathers off of them, to great comedic effect,” I said proudly. Apparently I was the only creature in the room, as per usual, that thought it was something to be proud of.
“So how the Tartarus did they let you be a teacher?” Gallus asked. Nuh-uh, kid, you didn’t raise your claw.
Instead I turned my attention to the most exuberantly patient hippogriff I’d ever seem. A somewhat subdued shade of pink with a blue mane, she was waving her claw like crazy, but making a surprisingly little amount of noise doing so. “Yes, Ms…”
“Silverstream!” she all but shouted. “So what kind of job do they give you with a talent like that?”
“I’m Prince Blueblood’s butler.”
There was a rousing chorus of ‘ooooohhhhh’s from the ponies present. The rest of the class looked slightly confused. “Who?” asked Gallus again. Sorry kid, please raise claw for assistance.
Then the yak rose her hoof. I say ‘the yak’ because one, she was difficult to miss in this crowd, as many yaks are, and two, she was the only yak I’d seen since I got to Ponyville. I gestured at her. “Ms…”
“Yona! Who is Blueblood? Other ponies seem like he no good,” she said earnestly.
I tapped my hoof to my chin, trying to think of a good example. Then something Twilight had mentioned clicked in my head. “He’s like… ok, imagine of Chancellor Neighsay was Royalty, and directly related to the Princess. And hadn’t finished college.”
The rest of the students flinched appropriately. Yona continued, “So teacher is like babysitter for mean Prince?”
“More like the psychological equivalent of a full-body check, but yes,” I said, catching a small smile from Twilight. Blueblood was one of the few things the two of us always saw eye-to-eye on, especially since her position as Princess obligated her to spend more time with him. “Yes, Yona, I am. Now, I understand there are plenty more questions, which I will have time for later. Unfortunately, this was a bit of a last-minute arrangement, and I have some lesson plans to review. I will be teaching classes in full effect as of Wednesday, but will be sitting in on lessons tomorrow and available for conversation during breaks. In the interim, by which I mean ‘in the meantime’,” I added, seeing a couple of confused faces, “Princess Twilight will be covering classes today and tomorrow. Auf Wiedersehen!” I exclaimed, and walked out of the class.
Much to the relief of Twilight Sparkle, who seemed to relish the opportunity to teach her students some practical Germane. ‘Seems like a decent pack of youngins’, I thought to myself, my father’s slightly rural twang sneaking into my inner voice. Having had a surprisingly wholesome first interaction with my new students, I could feel my need for mischief building. I’d made a promise to myself, and partially to Twilight, that I wouldn’t drag the students into, well, anything, if I could avoid it, and as such had to be both creative and thoughtful when exercising my usual mayhem.
After all, it wasn’t their fault I was here. It was Twilight’s. Who’s castle I had recently been given accommodations in. And had already had cause to stay in, with time to memorize the floorplan. The only issue was Spike. Not because he was, himself, an issue, but because he and I got along well enough (outside of Ogres and Oubliettes), and he also lived in the castle. Ponyville seemed to have quite the series of obstacles for me to overcome if I wanted to be, well, me. What fun.
-------------------------
Did I say fun? I meant work. Just a lot of it. Headmare Starlight Glimmer spared no time or glee in handing me Pinkie Pie’s rather extensive lesson plans, almost none of which made sense to me. I would have been irate if she hadn’t been humming to herself with the satisfaction of dumping the workload on me. Schaden recognizes schaden. Respect. Apparently, and completely unsurprisingly, Pinkie taught ‘Laughter Class’. Her lesson plans were an impressively extensive series of jokes, puns, and games, but a more thorough inspection revealed a few choice lessons.
Laughing in the face of danger. Being positive in a negative situation for yourself and friends. Things that were and weren’t appropriate to laugh at, such as things that make creatures different, even from one pony to the next. She had an entire quarter of classed devoted to recognizing differences between creatures, learning to draw boundaries, and accepting somecreature for who and what they were. Surprisingly heartfelt stuff.
Followed immediately by eight pages devoted to delivering clever one-liners when the fate of the world was at stake. Not all of the writing seemed to be hers, but I had a slight idea who else might have contributed. A certain cerulean pegasus sprung to mind, in fact. Then another, somewhat louder thought. One that I surely should do something about once I had finished reading these lesson plans and sorting out which ones I could actually teach without raising a small army of mini-mes. Having one was enough, and he lived in another dimension. Which gave me another, louder thought.
So I starting making some notes of my own, alongside my class prep.
A few hours later, I heard yet another bell ring, and what seemed to be the fifth rousing chorus of young voices filled the halls. This one seemed rather much louder, and taking a glance at the clock, I realized the school day was over. I had gone through quite a large amount of paperwork and the like, made a small checklist for myself, and had prepared what could easily be considered a week’s worth of lessons. It helped that, for most days, I would be teaching the same lesson multiple times to different classrooms.
Which also meant I was going to have the same introductory conversation at least five more times. That rather large note card was top of the pile.
A few minutes later, the first of a hoofful of familiar ponies entered the room I was in. The faculty room. Which, under normal circumstances, would have deterred me with it’s ‘Employees Only’ sign. Today, however…
“Schaden? What in tarnation are you- oh. Right. Substitute…” Applejack trailed off, and shuffled to her corner of the room. I could smell the great outdoors from here. Not an unpleasant smell, but a predominant one. There came the sound of shuffling papers from her corner as she sorted through her own pile of work.
The room was rather quite, save for the almost calming sound of paper, hooves, and office supplies. One would think I would be rather uncomfortable in such an environment, but after a few years of doing the paperwork for a certain Prince who couldn’t be arsed, I’d gotten used to it. So I almost didn’t notice when Rarity and Twilight came into the room. I actually didn’t notice when Fluttershy entered, and only became aware of her presence when Rarity greeted her.
The pony who I could NOT have missed, however (sans Pinkie Pie herself, but that was a moot point), was Rainbow Dash. She practically burst into the room with a loud groan. “Maaaaannnn…. Monday’s take forev- the hay? What’s Schaden do- oh yeah. Hey Schaden, what’s up du-”
“Shut,” I said simply, raising a hoof. There was a rather interesting pause right after, as Rainbow Dash wasn’t entirely used to being cut off mid-sentence by ponies that weren’t her friends.
“’Scuse me? I was just-”
“Shut.”
“-dude I’m just-”
“Knock knock.”
“...who’s… there?” she asked confusedly.
“Shut.”
“But I-”
“Turn down for SHUT.”
“Oh that’s real-”
“Shutty buddy.”
“Would you-”
“Bigger Longer and un-SHUT.”
“Wait, doesn’t-”
“Shut.”
“I-”
“You put the lime in the coco-Shut.”
“But-”
“Have you checked your shuthole?”
“-”
“Shut.”
“But I didn’t even say anything that time!”
“That was a preemptive shut. I have a whole saddlebag full of SHUT with your name on it. Won it scoring a hole in one at the shut-shut golf course. SHUT.”
The rest of the room, seemingly greatly entertained by the exchange, had stayed quite to watch. I am, above all else, extremely entertaining to bystanders.
“...Hey Rarity, can you-”
“SHUT.”
“OH COME ON!”