//------------------------------// // Lesson One: Read the Rules // Story: Schadenteacher // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// My name is Schadenfreude von Douchehorse. Although, given that you’re reading this right now, the chances that you already knew that are rather high. I’m Prince Blueblood’s butler. I’m an honorary scholar. I’m also a general pain in the flank, and righteous with it. So I know shenanigans when I see them. “Oh come on, this is shenanigans and you know it,” I argued. Princess Celestia sat upright in her throne her hair flowing in a wind that doesn’t exist (which I have checked for extensively), gazing down upon me with an air of Royal Disapproval™. And a smirk. The look was just for show. “Schadenfreude, you and I both know the rules of the Game. You broke them, you lose.” “I broke them without malicious intent in the course of a daily activity that literally everypony else participates in regularly,” I pointed out. I sat before her in the middle of her court, being smirked at from all sides. Princess Luna on one, Princess Cadence on the other. Apparently, they hadn’t wanted to miss this. “Rule #43: Not Allowed near the Post Office without a Guard escort-” “-there is a GUARD at the front DOOR of the Post Office-” “-Rule #71: Not allowed on Public Transportation-” “-which I only took so as to stay within my work schedule as assigned by you-” “-Rule #138: Not allowed near anything with an engine-” “-it is a bucking bus this is cheating-” “-Rule #168: Schadenfreude is not allowed to address Princess Celestia as ‘Momlestia’, ‘Miss Sunset Shimmer’s Mom’, or ‘Sunmommy’. “-” “Well?” “That one’s legit.” Celestia nodded and smiled. “Now Schaden, you and I both know you agreed to the rules in all fairness. We’ve even had to edit the list several times given your post here, and some of the… questionably legality of some of its prohibitions. All of which you were present for, of sound mind, and signed willingly and without duress.” “Which is all well and good, except I took a bus to mail a certified letter to respond to an official notice from Princess Twilight Sparkle. Which, as common law states, can only be done by said certified letter, dragon post, or by hoof. And I doubt I could make it to Ponyville and back on my lunch hour,” I argued. It was Luna’s turn to cut in. “All of which we are perfectly aware of, Schadenfreude. In fact, so is Twilight. And we have come to the conclusion that her official notice was sent in such a manner as to bait you into breaking the rules.” “Which is absolutely not cool,” I pointed out. “Also not against the rules of the Game,” Cadence replied. “Look, Schaden, you and I both know I’m not your biggest fan, but I also believe in fair play. What Twilight did, while questionable, was well within her purview as Princess, and well within the parameters of the rules governing enforcement of the List.” “However,” Celestia added, “Going forward it will not be. The three of us are in accord, and, having outvoted Twilight on the matter, are creating a new, fairer, less obtuse set of Rules. So while this particular series of infractions is legitimate, going forward it shall be considered a clear violation should you be baited, coerced, or otherwise put into a position where breaking any of the Rules is unavoidable.” “Well, how does this help me now?” I asked indignantly. The Princesses looked between each other with a mischievous glance. Celestia’s and Luna’s I had gotten used to, having lived in the castle as long as I had, but seeing Cadence reflect their expressions was… curious. And somewhat alarming, even to me. “The three of us have also decided, again having outvoted Princess Twilight, that your typical sentence- one week of community service per infraction- shall be served… elsewhere.” “...I have several questions.” Luna raised an eyebrow, and asked, “Schadenfreude, how do you feel about… teaching?” “...I have no more questions.” --------------------- Several minutes later, and several miles away. “THIS IS HORSEHOCKEY,” Twilight bellowed, reading and re-reading the latest letter from Celestia in absolute indignation. “This is NOT what I meant when I asked for help!” The rest of the Elements of Harmony -well, almost. There was a distinct lack of Pinkie Pie- had gathered around the Cutie map, having responded to what Twilight had labeled ‘The Absolute Utmost Friendship Emergency to Ever… Emerge’, and were staring at her with a mix of disappointment, curiosity, and, in one particular apple farmer’s case, an expression that could only be described as ‘I Told You So’. “Told ya so,” Applejack said. “I knew that plan would backfire, Twi’. Always does. You’n’I both know no good comes from tryin’ ta’ pull a fast one like that.” “It was well within the rules of the Game, AJ! Yes, they changed the rules right after, but it was still valid!” Twilight whined, punctuating her sentence by flopping into her throne and letting her head fall on the map table. “It still feels like poor sportsmanship, dear,” Rarity said soothingly. “While I do agree that… particular stallion needs to be taken down a peg or two, there’s something to be said for professional courtesy.” Rainbow Dash made a rude, dismissive noise. “Courtesy, schmurtesy. It was totally a legit play, and like, the definition of a harmless prank. Honestly, if I’d done it you’d all say I was going to easy on him!” “Exactly!” Twilight groaned, lifting her head and gesturing in Dash ad Pinkie’s general direction. “This is nonsense!” Fluttershy spoke up, finally, having found the words. “Well, to be fair, Twilight, he is performing community service. He’s even doing two more weeks than you thought he would.” “Yes, but why near meeeeee?!” ------------------ The next Monday, at the School of Friendship. A rather rowdy classroom had just been made to quiet down by a rather offput-looking Princess Twilight Sparkle. “Good Morning Class,” she said, forcing a smile. Well, partially. She still loved seeing her students. Which was just enough from keeping most of the class from realizing the effort she was putting into looking cheerful this morning. A bright blue changeling leaned in her seat to whisper to an orange dragon. “What’s got Princess Twilight all… weird?” Ocellus asked. “No idea,” replied Smolder. “As you know,” Twilight continued, “Your teacher Pinkie Pie is going to be unavailable for the next few weeks, as she has temporarily taken over Sugarcube corner while the Pies and their children are out of Ponyville. You may also have heard that, given recent events at the school, finding a substitute teacher has been… difficult. Well, I had reached out to Princess Celestia not too long ago for help, and she was able to scuttle a… last minute substitute.” A few more students had caught on to the tense nature of Twilight’s tone, and a few worried glances were being passed around. “It also behooves me to inform you that said substitute will be working here as a form of… community service, which I may or may not be partially responsible for. That said, I can assure you that he is neither a danger to Equestria, you, or even Ponyville. He is even, and I can't be-frickin-lieve I’m saying this part out loud, board certified as a substitute by the EEA. That being said, allow me to introduce you to your new teacher, and I apologize in advance,” she groaned, her horn lighting up as her magic opened the door. In trotted one of the most confusing stallions any of the students had ever seen. Effeminate in build and style, though somewhat athletically built, he bore brown and white patches and a rather long mane of dusty brown hair. His Cutie Mark, a painting tilted askew, wasn’t even the weirdest thing about him. Of all of the teachers at Twilight Sparkle’s School of Friendship, very few actually made any effort to dress for the job. One of them did wear a straw hat, but only because removing it was punishable by personal injury. This pony, however, had seemingly gone the extra mile- a button-down shirt with a blue pinstripe vest and tie, a matching blue flat cap, and rather sensible shoes. Except there seemed to be something wrong with his outfit at every corner. The buttons were off by one the entire way down, the pinstripe vest was shorter on one side, and the tie was, somehow, inside-out. Eve the shoes were… uneven. The hat seemed to be the only normal part of he outfit. However, should one look closely, they would discover that he stripes were in fact very, very fine white text that simply read Tee-Hee over and over. “What. The heck,” Smolder said, looking for all the world like she’d been face-checked by a cutting board and hadn’t quite figured it out yet. “Who in the world is that?” Ocellus asked. Twilight, still trying to maintain her smile, although it was now more obviously strained than ever, pointed a hoof at the newcomer. “This, students, is Schadenfreude.” ---- Thus began the most confusing and possibly lethal month of my life.