//------------------------------// // Finally, we're done here. // Story: Schadenfreude HATES MAGIC // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// I have to admit, whoever the hell I was expecting to come fix my current situation, it wasn’t whatever the fuck this guy was. I was being regaled, in every sense of the word, by Zecora’s tales of her homeland (and learning some absolutely SICK rhymes while she was at it), when in strutted this evolutionary etch-a-sketch of a dude. Seriously, whoever this guy was, he looked like you asked a 5-year old about his Carebear villain OC. Like someone took a screenshot of Toy Story 3’s furnace scene and put it through a Snapchat filter. “I mean it, dude,” I continued, as he stared at me with a very amused look, “I didn’t know dyslexia could metastasize yo your visual cortex. You look like somebody mugged a vat of primordial ooze for parts and sold it on eBay.” The… guy turned around and said to somebody out in the hall, “Ok, now I one hundred percent believe he- sorry, she- is supposed to be you.” Then, of course, something even weirder had to walk into the room. It was… me. Older me. I think. Sunset tried to explain age differentials across the portal, but I fell asleep in self-defense. “I told you so,” other Schaden said. “What was it I said to you five minutes after we met?” “That if stained glass could walk and talk, and then suffer a stroke, it would look like me?” Otherden (which is what I had chosen to call him, regardless of you got here ‘first’) smiled. “Precisely. And you remember how grumpy I get on bedrest. Now, you,” he said, pointing a hoof at me. “We have good news and bad news. The good news is that, after leaving Twilight Sparkle alone with the bracelet for an hour, and then giving it to Discord here-” “Of bucking course that’s your name.” “-we have successfully found a way to reverse your gender permanently. The bad news is that, given your current injuries, sending you home isn’t an option right away. Believe me when I say the experts at hoof -why are you flinching- have assured me that doing so would only exacerbate your injury, so you’re stuck here for a couple more days.” I sighed, having expected that outcome already. Partly in relief, as I still had doubts when it came to magic, partly in frustration, as I hadn’t grown to like this world even a little. “Well, needs must. Did we ever figure out who did this to me?” I groaned, sitting a little farther up in bed. “Also, where the hell did Zecora go? She was just here.” “Oh, the Zebra?” Discord said off-handedly. Hoffedly. Pawedly? I was gonna have a stroke. “She pointedly walks out of any room I’m in. She is… not a fan of mine.” Otherden gave him a sideways glance. “Right. Also,” he said, pointing a hoof at Discord, “He did it.” “Ek-scuse me?!” “Not on purpose!” Discord groaned, staring at the ceiling in frustration. “At least, not to you on purpose. It was supposed to hit him,” he elaborated, pointing a claw at Otherden, “But this stupid magic portal thing between your worlds messed the whole thing up!” “Which is now why he has a week of remedial classes with Twilight on Friendship,” other me said with a rather familiar grin. Huh, so that’s what it looks like from here. “...wait. Hold up. Friendship classes? What, is there a school for that?” I asked. “Did… did you miss the giant collegiate building attached to the Castle when you got here?” Discord replied, with a hint of mockery. “Ok, first, I haven’t left the building since I got here. The portal is… upstairs? Down… stairs? Somewhere in the castle. Second, giant collegiate building?!” I barked, then winced as the effort put strain on my arm. “Third, and please tell me I’m wrong, is that an entire SCHOOL about Friendship?” Other me shrugged. “Well, given that ‘Friendship’ in this context is a measurable, tangible branch of magic based on the synergy and relationships between people, and has, and I wish this were a joke, saved the world quite literally over a dozen times, yes, they made a school for it.” I felt something in my brain snap. “Ok, nope. Done with magic. Done with horseworld-” “-Ponyville,” Discord corrected. “Equestria, actually,” Otherden amended. “DONE. WITH. PASTEL QUADRUPED MAGIC LAND. Please, please just turn me back into a guy. I really don’t know how much more of this place I can stomach.” ------------------- I really did feel bad for him. Other, smaller me, I mean. Not a pleasant situation to be dragged into. No agency, in actual, physical pain, and missing a few notable appendages, in more ways than one, I could absolutely understand his frustration. However. There was work to do. Much of it had already been done. Discord’s week of classes with Twilight, which had been Celestia’s suggestion, taken from the pages of Fluttershy’s book, had been a compromise to actually telling Fluttershy. Seems the panicked state we’d found him in was him trying to figure out how to fix his mistake before news got back to her about it. Twilight and Sunset, while having received a distinct talking-to from the Princess, had otherwise come out of things OK. Neither Celestia nor I (as their superior in the ENUS) saw fit to report the use of the Restricted Section, as really none of it was there fault anyway. As much as I love using bureaucracy for petty purposes, I try to reserve it for ponies, or creatures, who deserve it. Also, I got to be there for most of Celestia’s ‘Mom and teacher’ lectures, which was plenty satisfying in its own right. Although I did have a few new measures added to the list: 167: Schadenfreude is not allowed to drift in the castle halls or any of its rooms. 168: Schadenfreude is not allowed to address Princess Celestia as ‘Momlestia’, ‘Miss Sunset Shimmer’s Mom’, or ‘Sunmommy’. 169: Schadenfreude is not allowed to tattle on members of the Royal family except in an emergency or event of national security. 170: Schadenfreude is not to be granted any further Royal Favors from any member of the Royal Family. 171: Schadenfreude is to be accompanied by a guard during Beak Week, if not already in the company of Prince Blueblood. 172: No provisions on this list apply to the second Schadenfreude. That last one had a few inkblots around it, as the scribe had had a coronary hearing about the ‘second me’. Zecora, I had been informed, had also been given some kind of accolades from the Equestrian National Unicorn Society for her efforts, although having never spoken to her, this was secondhoof information. All of this I happily shared with a now-male, still bedridden Mini-Me, as I had been granted the opportunity to spend the day with him while he rested, with the understanding that, as terrifying as two of us in a room could be, Celestia wanted to minimize my interactions with the foreign delegates as much as possible. “Ok, so this list,” Miniden asked (my own nickname for him after he called me Otherden out loud), “It’s got 172 rules on it?” “I have a copy right here,” I informed him, handing it over. “Keep it, I have several. Also, they update automatically, although I don’t know if that’s true across dimensions.” “Oh, so it’s not like Twilight and Sunset’s journal?” My ears perked up at that. “Their what?” Miniden smiled. Huh, so that’s what it looks like from here. “Yes, actually. It’s a handy little, and by little I mean there’s many, many volumes, because they don’t stop writing each other, book that lets them write notes to each other from across the portal. It even buzzes when the other holder has written in it. Although my favorite part is that Sunset has a giant rubber stamp she uses that just says TWILIGHT on it that she uses to interrupt Princess Twiggles when she gets to writing too fast.” I felt a tear form in the corner of my eyes. “That is the most beautiful thing I’ve heard all day. Also, Twiggles?” “Yeah, what do you call her?” “Twiggly-Wiggly.” Mini-me choked up a little. “That’s art. She must hate it so much.” “Oh, she does. Also, if you’ll give me a moment, I have to go ask her for a favor. I’ll be right back,” I added, seeing his budding disappointment. I stepped out into the hall, and followed the rather loud conversation Sunset and Twilight were having in the other room. “-I’m just saying you could have told me!” Twilight whined. “I’m not expecting you to make it national news, but given my relationship with both of you-” “-Your relationship with my mom is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you, Twilight!” Sunset groaned. “Do you have any idea how much I resented you?! When your mom tells you you’re gonna grow up to be a princess, and then gives it all to somepony you’ve never met? Even after we became friends I still hadn’t truly forgiven mom. It wasn’t until I saw her in person with the Memory Stone thing that we even started talking again!” I coughed somewhat loudly. “Um, sorry to interrupt-” “And I would have been more than happy to help! Also, it would have gone a long way to explain why you stole the crown from me when we first met!” “Excuse me!” “Even if we didn’t have that whole mess between us, I’m not exactly keen on anypony knowing she’s my mom in the first place! For buck’s sake, I didn’t even tell ponies before I ran away! Do you have any idea how hard it is to be taken seriously as a unicorn in academic circles when you’re Royal blood? Either they assume everything was just handed to you, or they go out of their way to make you fail in front of your family just to make themselves look better!” “PARDONNEZ-MOI!” I barked. “What?!” the two mares yelled back, turning to me. “Not that I don’t understand the… import of this conversation, but Twilight, I have a Favor to ask you. Don’t worry-” I said, seeing her arming a complaint, “-I assure you it’s nothing illegal, immoral, embarrassing, or even inconvenient. Well, maybe a little inconvenient. I don’t pretend to know magic very well-” “Yes you do!” they both yelled. Again. “No, I never pretend. Also, I know magical lore, not actual magic. As in, I have no idea how difficult it would be to-” “To what?” said Twilight, in a much quieter, but still exasperated, voice. “I wanted to ask you to create a pair of journals for me and mini-me, like the ones you two have,” I explained. Twilight paled a little. “How, uh… how do you know about those?” I stared at Sunset, who had a sheepish grin and was looking anywhere but at Twilight. “Oh, I know a guy who knows a girl.” Twilight gave off some serious side-eye at Shimmer. “Sunseeet….” “OhwouldyoulookatthetimeIreallyshouldgosayhitomomagainbeforeIleaveEquestriaforeverbyyyyyeeeeeeeee!” Sunset rattled off in a high-pitch voice, then bolted out of the room. Twilight watched her go with a sour expression, then turned to me. “Fine, Schaden, I’ll see what I can do. Although there will probably have to be some… provisions about its use-” “-Eeeehhhh, we’ll write that list when we get to it,” I interjected. “-but it shouldn’t be a problem, given how much experience I have making them now. It’s going to take a while, but it should be ready before he heals up,” she explained. I smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Princess Twiggles.” Her whole body twitched slightly. “I’m sorry, what?!” -------------------------- [SEVERAL DAYS LATER] -------------------------- I had just gotten home from my first day back at school, and gotten up to my room after a thorough inspection from my father that I hadn’t brought anything else magical home. Convincing him to let me keep the journal was a long, drawn out conversation, but he conceded, mostly out of what I think was guilt for how he’d handled the situation, and then worry for me being gone so long, even with assurances from both my classmates and our Principal that I was in good care and would be home soon. Dizzy would be coming over soon, so I didn’t have a whole lot of time, but I wanted to get a few words in. So I opened the journal Other Me had given me as a parting gift, with a rather pained smile from Twilight and Sunset, and wrote: Me: So I did a little digging, and yes, it seems like the Discord from my school is your Discord’s counterpart. Really, that suit should have tipped me off. Other Me: I can only imagine. Are you also friends with him? M: Kind of? He’s our school’s career counselor, although I’m pretty sure he’s on something. OM: ‘On something’? M: Sorry. It means I believe he’s partaking in recreational drugs. OM: That, I don’t doubt. I’m pretty sure our Discord would be to if he could find one that actually works. M: Also, I have to ask, I saw the list got updated again. What’s this about you not being allowed to use me as a threat? OM: Oh, some guard got huffy when I was being candid with Princess Celestia about something, and I told him to ‘Mind his manners or I’d go get the OTHER me’. He laughed, until he saw the look on Celestia’s face, then ran into a broom closet and didn’t come out till dawn. M: Wow. I think if I told people over here there was a second me they’d just come to school the next day with earplugs and welding goggles on. I should test this theory. OM: You should. M: Oh, Dizzy’s here! Sorry, I need to leave. OM: I still find it amusing we’re dating the same… person in both dimensions. M: Agreed. Although I think if you put them in the same room they’d just end up staring at each other for an hour then leave to bake something. OM: I… can’t argue that. Farewell, Mini-Me! M: Later, Oldenfreude! OM: Kid shut the fuck up.