Luna felt numb and exhausted.
She didn’t know how long she had been laying on her bed, nor did she remember casting a teleportation spell. She supposed that she shouldn’t be too surprised though, it wouldn’t be the first time that a unicorn or alicorn had cast magic instinctually during instances of extraordinary emotional stress.
Her hysterics and tears had long since run dry, leaving her feeling empty. She had bottled up her emotions for so long that she didn’t know how to deal with anything beyond bitterness, frustration and vague melancholy. She had sacrificed everything of who she once was to fulfill her royal duties, to put aside every other facet of herself in dedication to serving her ponies and what had she gained from it? Anger, emptiness and a deep sense of longing for what once was.
Luna didn’t know why her sister’s words had cut so deeply. She had known for a long time how little Celestia had thought of her abilities as a ruler. It shouldn’t have brought her so low. Perhaps she had always subconsciously held the belief that her sister really did love her, like when they were young and that she was just putting on an aloof, austere facade for the benefit of presenting the illusion of a perfect, infallible ruler.
Seeing all of it laid out before her made that hope seem so distant now. It had destroyed the final tether that Luna had been anchoring herself with all these years.
She should have been stronger than this, but she wasn’t. Luna was an all powerful alicorn, defender of Equestria, guardian of the night and stars, a near goddess in the eyes of normal ponies. Yet all that it had taken to reduce her to a wreck of misery, self-pity and despair, was a few cruel words from her sister. She felt like a foal, a little filly who was crying, because her big sister called her names.
It was pathetic. If she could feel anything besides numbness and exhaustion at the moment, it would be futility and self loathing. The words from the diary kept bouncing endlessly through her head and for once she didn’t know what to do. There didn’t seem to be way forward. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.
Usually criticism, while feeding her anger and bitterness, would light a fire under her. Driving her to improve, to make her night more spectacular, to try new and creative methods of public relations and to prove her sister wrong. Out of spite for her detractors if nothing else.
This time was different however. She didn’t feel that faint sense of hope that things would improve. There didn’t seem to be a point to it all anymore. Her night that she spent countless hours crafting with an artist's touch, grew evermore forsaken. Her ponies that she had given years of her life for, felt more distant and dismissive than ever. Her sister, who was once her closest friend, confidant and protector, seemingly couldn’t wait to be rid of her.
Even her prestigious title of Commander of Equestria’s Armies was hollow. Equestria’s pseudo-feudalism meant that soldiers were not directly under her control and would not follow her orders if their Lord or Lady told them otherwise.
It all seemed so futile.
...everything would be so much easier if I could just rule alone...
The words rang through her head again, but this time she stopped to really consider them.
‘What if Celestia was right?’
'What if she got her wish?'
It was a line of thinking that she had never considered before. She had been a Princess for so long that she had never stopped to consider if there was another path.
A small amount of fatigue evaporated from her body as her thoughts began to assemble an idea in her mind that made her feel something akin to a cautious, daring hope. As well as curiosity as to where this line of mental inquisition would take her.
Luna had never felt comfortable on the throne. The endless shackles of duty and responsibility. The rotten undergrowth of deceit, manipulation and corruption of politics that lurked eternally in her peripheral vision. Always there, but just out of sight enough to avoid being scrutinised too closely. The ingratitude of ponies that discarded all that she did for them and treated her as though she was some sort of liability to the kingdom.
Her sister that had once promised to love and protect her forever, yet with every passing day she recognized less and less of the sister that she had once known, as Celestia grew more and more into the mould of an emotionless, aloof, perfect princess. A mould that she herself could never fit, despite the best efforts of her elder sister.
What future was there left for her on the throne? The more she thought about it the more she realised how miserable her life as a ruler had been.
It wasn’t who she wanted to be anymore.
With her decision made and a course of action firmly set, the last of her numbness and fatigue was replaced by a renewed sense of determination. She sat up in her bed and used her magic to light up her horn, no longer wishing to sulk in the dark.
With the soft illumination of her cyan aura, the details of her room came into focus. The wall opposite her bed was dominated by massive floor to ceiling windows that allowed her to gaze out at the majesty of her night. Thick curtains, decorated with her iconic dark blue with silver trim colour scheme, were drawn closed to block sunlight from disturbing her rest during the day. In her panicked hysteria she had forgotten to open them tonight and let herself emotionally breakdown in complete darkness.
Luna's bare hooves touched down on the carpet beside her bed as she struggled to support herself on unsteady legs. Her downward emotional cascade had left her feeling physically exhausted as well, but with every uncertain step her confidence and drive grew.
When Luna finally reached the curtains, she stood tall as she pulled them back and bathed the room in her starlight, her moonlight and her aurora. A churning sea of colour and light danced across the sky as if directed by an unseen, silent orchestra. Behind the colours were the stars. An endless expanse that stretched across the infinite heavens.
Among the billions of pinpricks of light, a single star stood out from the others. A star that shone brighter than all the rest. A beacon that guided all who travelled or were lost home.
The North Star.
Among all of the stars in the night sky, this is the one that she had the greatest connection to. The same very star that had led Luna to realise her destiny and earn her the Talent Mark that she still bears to this day. Much of her early memory had faded over the years,but the memory of that night is still fresh in her mind no matter how many years have passed.
Luna was lost and the only way to truly find herself again was to remember her destiny. She tried to feel now what she felt then.
Luna was still a filly when one night, her mother took her stargazing on the hill outside of their small village. The pair had laid down on a blanket that they had brought with them. It was something that they did often. Luna's mother's Talent Mark depicted the night sky and she was so eager to share in her passion for the stars with her daughter.
Luna loved those nights that she spent with her mother, she learned so many incredible things about the night and absorbed all that her mother had to teach her. She heard about all of the incredible things that ponies had learned from studying the night. From the basis of their calendars to their navigation techniques.
She learned about the constellations and their mythology. It amazed the young filly to no end that ancient ponies had seen a random assortment of disconnected lights and had crafted stories and legends about heroes, gods and odysseys.
Every pony, every civilization, all saw something different when they looked at the stars. All born from the vivid imagination of those who dared to dream bigger than themselves.
It ignited a fascination within Luna. She couldn’t explain it, but she saw so much more than pretty lights when she gazed at the sky. The stars called out to her and she yearned for nothing more than to answer them, but she didn't know how. It was as if she saw her own soul reflected back at her in the stars. Luna saw everything she was and everything she wanted to be in them. They were curiosity, discovery and adventure unbounded. More than anything else, they represented freedom.
Her village and her home seemed so small in comparison to the endless reach of the starry night.
She desperately wished that she was old enough to fly at that moment. Able to spread her wings shore through the night. To fly higher than anypony had ever flown before. She wanted to be able to reach out and touch the stars themselves, to swim among them as though she was submerged in an ocean made of light. She wanted to explore everywhere and everything that the light shone on, to travel to destinations unknown.
She couldn’t explain the feeling in words or why she felt that way, but right then she wanted to become a star. To live so far removed from the world and see everything that Equus had to offer. She wanted to be the beacon of hope that would guide those wayward and far from home to safe shores. To be a teller of stories that awed and inspired. A dreamer of worlds beyond her own.
It was as though she had an epiphany. A moment of perfect clarity, where in a single instance she could see everything of her past, present and future. Where she understood exactly where her place in the universe was. She could see unknowable truths of creation and existence. Her flanks felt tingly and she instinctively knew what had just happened.
All this only lasted for a fraction of a second however, as a moment later all that she had learned slipped from her mind as though she was forgetting a dream. The one that remained was a sense of certainty. A clarity of destiny that she heard other ponies describe when talking about receiving their talent marks, but had never experienced herself until that moment. She didn't didn't know how she knew what her destiny was. She just knew.
It was a calling.
She felt that calling now, just as she felt it back then.
Luna had once thought that the crown had been her destiny. She was utterly convinced of it. She was powerful, immortal and raised the enormity of the sky every day. How could her destiny be anything less than to become akin to a star. To reign above all, to guide ponies and inspire them.
It had taken a torture of a thousand small cuts to her psyche over years to shatter that illusion, but what she read in that diary had been her final breaking point.
This wasn't where she belonged anymore. Luna saw that now. Celestia had come to a similar conclusion, but where her sister only saw Luna's ineptitude, the Night's Princess saw an opportunity for a second chance.
Celestia might have found her place in the sun on the Equestrian throne, but Luna would find her place elsewhere.
Luna thought that she had discovered her destiny when she was a filly and that she would have been able to sail blindly towards it, as though she had a compass that led her to her calling. She was wrong. It wasn't as simple as that.
She didn't know where she would find her destiny, but she did know what the first step was on her journey.
Leaving would be hard, but she couldn’t stay. She deserved better. She deserved to be happy. There was nothing left for her here.
It would be so easy to be angry. To rage and hate. The emotions came to her like second nature these days. It would be so easy to leave, just to spite Celestia. Luna wondered out of morbid curiosity how long it would take her sister to notice that she had left if the Lunar Princess continued to raise and lower the moon. A day? A week? A month?
Luna didn't want this decision to be made out of spite though. She didn't want her potential last memory of this place to be one of rage and grief. She didn't want her final message to her sister to one of hate and resentment.
Celestia was everything to her once. She was the best big sister that Luna could have ever asked for. No matter how angry Luna was, no matter how grave the slight, she didn't stop loving her sister. She still loved Celestia deep down and perhaps that was why her written words had hurt so badly.
She had always followed in her sister’s shadow, but for better or for worse, it was time to step out into the light. Their destinies might diverge from here, but memories will remain. Both good and ill. Celestia might not be a hero in Luna’s eyes, that illusion had long since been shattered, but Luna couldn't find it in her heart to see her as a villain. Even now, after everything.
She was just a mare, same as Luna.
Tears streaked down the Princess's cheeks as the enormity of her decision began to rest on her shoulders. Not since the final her confrontation with Discord, had she been so completely and utterly scared. Every challenge that she had faced in her life, she had not faced alone. Her parents or Starswirl or Celestia had always been right behind her. Ready to catch her if she fell.
Nopony would be there to catch her now. For the first time in her life she would be absolutely, completely alone. And that scared her more than she thought possible.
The idea of leaving frightened her and saddened her, but it wouldn't stop her.
With a deep breath to calm herself, Luna took one last gaze at her night. As if hoping to draw to somehow draw courage from the moon and stars themselves.
With her decision solidified in her mind. There was only one thing that was left for her to do.
She needed to prepare.
Luna stood at the edge of her balcony. She had draped herself in a large, black travelling cloak that would hopefully disguise herself or at least allow her to remain inconspicuous enough until a more permanent solution could be found.
The saddlebags secured at her sides contained little, but money, food, a map and a few small personal trinkets that Luna could not find it in herself to part with.
This was it.
No turning back.
The town of Everfree sprawled out before her, lit by the gentle glow of her lanterns.
Luna wondered how long her sister would keep them up after her departure, perhaps she wouldn't take them down at all. Even if they failed in their intended purpose. The idea that some part of her legacy would endure, was strangely comforting to her.
Beyond the town stretched the Everfree forest. Even with her enhanced Alicorn eyesight, she could not see an end to the sea of trees. Had she not known exactly how far the boundaries of the forest extended, she could have easily believed that they had no end at all.
Luna turned her head to look at Celestia’s tower on the opposite side of their castle.
'It wasn't too late to stop, to turn around and walk away,' a treacherous part of her mind whispered to her.
No line had been crossed yet that couldn't be uncrossed. She could burn the letters that she had left for her sister and the Captain of her Night Guard. She could withstand the lecture she would get from Celestia over her invasion of privacy. Perhaps the sisters could someday reconcile and it would be like the old days when they both loved each other unconditionally.
The thought was a tempting seductress, but Luna knew that it was too late to fix things. The bonds that had been broken between them could not be unbroken.
All that she could do now was to try to live her life and try to find happiness.
She wondered what Celestia would say to her if she was here right now. Would she beg Luna stay? Would she renounce the words in her diary and vow to do better by her younger sister in future?
Or would she encourage Luna to go, glad to be rid of a nuisance?
The Lunar Alicorn wasn't sure her heart could take the latter.
She closed her eyes and summoned every scrap of courage that she could muster.
One final step.
The former Princess launched herself into the air, over the balcony railings. Luna’s spread wings stabilized her flight as her cloak bellowed out behind her.
On steady wings she flew in search of the one thing that she couldn’t find in the castle, even with all the power in the world.
Happiness.